Project Runway 9 - Ep. 9 - The (Fat) Boys In The Band

Last week on Project Runway, Bryce was sent packing and I’ve already forgotten everything about him. Except for what he looked like… 

Also last week, it was revealed that Olivier is a rabid size queen sizeist – and hates fat people. And by “fat people”, I’m referring to anyone with a waist size over 28 inches. SPOILER ALERT: As a “Person of Size” (also known as a “Lard Ass”) this truly offended me. So I might just hafta throw some stank at the precious Miss Olivier during this recap. Stay tuned… 

Anywhore… on this week’s episode, the designers get themselves together and meet Heidi on the runway for the pointless “hint” at what the challenge might be. Heidi tells them “image is everything” and sends them to a Manhattan music venue to meet Tim. Whatevs. 

At Rockwood Music Hall the designers are greeted by Tim Gunn and the Garnier Hair Queen. We find out two things: 

1) This is the “Garnier Challenge”, meaning that this episode will be a 90 minute commercial for hair care products. And later, if Project Runway history is any indication, hair will be completely ignored during the judging. 

2) This will be a “group challenge”. Except for the fact that everyone will be judged individually and there doesn’t have to be any cohesion within the group. Which sounds like the exact OPPOSITE of a group challenge, if you ask me. 

We also find out that the designers will be creating a look for an up-and-coming band – the Sheepdogs – and the winning look will be featured in Marie Claire and Rolling Stone. 

Teams are chosen via the Magical Velvet Bag©: 

Team Harmony: 

Bert, Laura, Anthony-Ryan and Anya 

Team Untitled: 

Olivier, Viktor, Kimberly and Joshua 

The Sheepdogs come onstage to perform, and they look … um … kinda like Sheepdogs, akshully. 

We later find out the guys have the personalities of Sheepdogs also – fluffy and loveable. And you can dress them up and they won’t bite you!

The Sheepdogs play a song – which is much much too loud for Olivier’s sensitive euroeardrums. Either that, or Olivier was simply recoiling at the fact that these guys are enormously obese. And by “obese” I mean “totally normal” (unless you’re a damn dirty sizeist like Olivier). Did I mention that Olivier annoys me and offends me at the same time??? I did???? Sorry. 

Each Sheepdog will be dressed by one person from each of the two teams. The teams-which-aren’t-really-teams meet and decide who is designing for whom: 

Bert and Olivier pick Ewan, the lead singer. Ewan is over six feet tall and is actually pretty hot. However Olivier is simply horrified at the sheer size of the man. OMG – he might even have a 38 inch waist!!!!! Where will Olivier be able to find that much fabric to cover this entire Jabba-The-Hutt-esque monstrosity?!? Did they stock up at Mood??? JUST LOOK AT HIM!!!...

Laura and Viktor pick Leot, who looks like Santino Rice – if Santino Rice still had real hair on his head. And since Santino google’s himself regularly, I expect to receive another (yes ANOTHER) Twitter rant directed at me and my “lame” (his words) sense of humor. I’m rather looking forward to it, akshully. 

Kimberly and Anya pick Sam, the drummer. Sam likes Caftans. Sam is not gay. Who da thunkit? 

Finally, Anthony-Ryan and Joshua pick Ryan – who I don’t remember much about at all. But then again, I am fat and lame and apparently forgetful. 

The designers go to Mood and then back to the workroom to begin their designs. Highlights/Lowlights: 

1) Olivier won’t stop complaining that Ewan is so much bigger than the mannequin. He even refers to Ewan as “massive”! I wish someone would drop Olivier into a Denny’s so he could see the people ordering the Mac ‘n Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt. 

2) Josh gives us a (hairy) Booty Show while trying on the jeans he was making. Talk about Sheepdogs… 

Day #1 ends and #2 begins with a Tim Gunn/Sheepdog visit to the workroom. Highlights/lowlights: 

1) Bert is making a hippy “blouse” for Ewan. Bert should have picked the caftan kid – I bet Bert can whip up a caftan like I can whip up a couple trays of Chicken Enchiladas. 

2) Josh is afraid that his design might be a little “too gay” for this straight Sheepdog. Guuurrrrl, you’re too gay for Sunday Tea Dance on Fire Island – that rainbow-colored ship has sailed, hunty. Also, Josh “primarily sells to gay men” {{{side eye}}} Mmmm hmmmm… 

3) Olivier mentions Ewan’s size at least four different times during the consultation. And then later, Olivier refers to his client as “plus size”. REALLY?!? Listen you little twerp, if I was a cruel person I’d say you have a horrible die job and an even worse fake accent. But I’m a bigger person than that. Get it? BIGGER??? Oh nevermind… 

Day #2 ends and Runway Day with a Sheepdog fitting before their runway performance. The band will perform two songs, wearing designs from each of the two teams. 

Highlights/Lowlights: 

1) Kimberly thinks Sam’s butt looks “yummy” – but I think her outfit looks like the uniform at Church’s Fried Chicken. Circa 1978... 

2) Olivier keeps Ewan sitting in his underwear for an hour while he sews at the last minute. Ewan suggests that he might have to go onstage naked. I have no problem with that… 

On the runway, Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Friggin Garcia, and out gay rocker Adam Lambert. 

The Sheepdogs rock out and it’s time for the judging. 

They Likee: 

1) Bert/Ewan. Hippie chic.  

2) Viktor/Leot. Viktor created an amazing fringed jacket that the judges love. 

3) Joshua/Ryan. It seems Adam Lambert REALLY liked Josh … er … Josh’s DESIGN. Adam obviously has never seen Joshua’s sheepdog-hairy butt.

The judges No Likee: 

1) Anya/Sam. Nina Friggin Garcia calls it “Pocahontas”. Michael Kors calls it “Reggae Jesus”. Everyone else just calls it “ugly”. 

2) Olivier/Ewan. AGAIN, Olivier mentions on the runway that Ewan is bigger than a 16 year-old female model and at this point I want to throw things at my TV. But the only items nearby are edible and a “plus sized” person NEVER wastes food. Serenity now … serenity now… 

3) Kimberly/Sam. Poor Sam can’t catch a break. Michael Kors nails it with “Peter Brady at an Autumn Harvest”. 

The judges discuss and it’s time for the results. Victor is the winner: 

Bert, Laura, Anthony-Ryan, Joshua and Anya are in. Leaving Kimberly and Olivier as the bottom two. 

At this point I’m thinking that Kimberly will be sent home so Olivier can continue to spout off about fat people. But the judges do the right thing and send Olivier back to his fantasy world of tic-tac lunches and size zero models. Good riddance. 

I hope he gets fat.