Top Chef All Stars Ep. 11 - Deep-Fried Redemption, Dipped In Butter

Last time on Top Chef All Stars, the Cheftestants showed us how to get, how to get to Sesame Streeeeeeeeeet … and then to Tarjay. Angelo was sent packing and Dale ended up winning the Quickfire, the Elimination, and a buttload of cash.

Only 6 chefs remain – and the morning after they discuss Angelo’s departure while sitting at the kitchen table. Blais mentions that he has brought notebooks with drawings, descriptions and plans for various dishes. Note to Richard: this is a reality television competition, not worldwide espionage. It’s not that serious.

After breakfast, the Cheftestants head over to the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Padma and that lovable lump of Southern butter known as Paula Deen.

Paula explains her life’s philosophy: “If You Can Eat It, You Can Fry It”. Now there’s a religion I could follow. I’ll meet ya’ll at KFC on Sunday for deep-fried worship with a side of biscuits. Grease is the word. Amen.

Anywhore, this week’s quickfire will be to deep fry something delicious – Southern-style. Paula mentions that she has deep fried everything from lasagna to mac & cheese to butter (natch) – she does NOT want to see some fancy-schmancy “Calamari on top of a salad”. Translation: don’t even try to be vaguely healthy – Paula only wants food that clogs your arteries and can kill you. Again – sign me up for the Church of Our Lady of Saturated Fats.

Some of the Cheftestants are excited about this Southern-fried Quickfire – particularly Carla, whose specialty is Southern comfort food, and Tiffany – who may have mentioned once or twice that she’s from a town in Texas that rhymes with “Slow Jaunt”.

Dale, on the other hand, laments that Paula Deen’s style is so different from his – reminding us that he works in a “Chinese Restaurant, fer chrissakes”. A Chinese Restaurant that’s too fancy to deep–fry an eggroll?? Maybe they bake their eggrolls and serve them on top of a salad (SACRILEDGE!). [Dear food snobs: YES, I know he works at the very fancy Buddakan].

Blais uses liquid nitrogen to fry mayonnaise or something – and I’m just going to say it: Would Richard Blais be able to compete if they took that damn liquid nitrogen tank away?? In the famous words of Fabio – “Thees eesa Top Chef, notta Top Leeqwud Nitrogen”.

While Richard Blais plays with his frigid gasses, Bighead Mike is being sneaky. Bighead read in one of Blais’ TOP SECRET HOMELAND CULINARY SECURITY journals about cooking a chicken “oyster” (part of the thigh) and serving it on an oyster shell. And, because Bighead Mike is Bighead Mike – he steals the idea and uses it for himself. That's Bighead Cooking 101.

Time for tasting. Padma and Paula – looking like a “before” and “after” PSA about the detrimental effects of butter – taste each dish. Tiffany maybe mentions she’s from Beaumont (we get it girl), Carla’s hush puppies taste like “spit balls” (wadded up pieces of elementary school worksheets???) and Antonia forgets to plate two dishes (only plating one). When Paula visits Richard, she mentions that her hair looks exactly like Blais’ in the morning. EVERYONE is stealing from Richard Blais!!

Results:

No likee – Dale, Carla.

Likee – Antonia, Blais, Bighead Mike.

Paula states that Antonia would have been the winner, but since she didn’t follow the rules and plate two dishes, sneaky Bighead Mike gets the win. This makes Blais look even more like Droopy Dog with Chronic Depression.

Padma announces that Paula will be one of the guest judges for the Elimination Challenge – along with New Orleans chef John Besh, who enters the Top Chef kitchen.

The Cheftestants will be catering a fundraiser for the Greater New Orleans Foundation, which helps families around the New Orleans area who were affected by the Gulf oil spill. And since it’s such a big challenge, the Chefestants will be getting “help”.

The “help” arrives in the form of Angelo, Fabio, Tiffani, Marcel, Spike and Tre. Each of these eliminated Cheftestants is carrying a Gulf seafood item. The 6 remaining Cheftestants get to choose their helper/protein. Here’s how it shakes down:

Mike and Tiffani - Brown Shrimp

Richard and Fabio - Red Snapper

Carla and Tre – Grouper

Tiffany D – picks the White Shrimp, which unfortunately comes with Marcel

Antonia – “I’ll take Spike and his Crabs”. That’s one brave woman.

Dale and Angelo - Amber Jack, which apparently is a fish and not a mixed drink.

The teams meet and discuss strategy. Bighead Mike learns that Tiffani spent some time cooking in New Orleans, so he lucked out (yet again). On the other hand, Carla figured Tre would know Southern food, however he does not. Carla threatens to take away his NAACP card, but Tre explains that he’s just a Dallas pretty boy “city boy” who doesn’t know country cuisine. I bet Tre could hook up some fried calamari and serve it on top of a salad, though.

The chef’s go to Restaurant Depot and then to Whole Foods to buy ingredients. During shopping, we find out that Fabio and Blais have kind of a thing for each other – with Fabio saying that “Reechie” reminds him of his ex wife. So their relationship based on angry revenge sex?? We also learn that Carla – after being dissed by Paula in the Quickfire – is attempting to prepare a big plate of redemption with a side of atonement. I bet Blais doesn’t have THAT one in his book.

Day One ends and Day Two begins in the Top Chef kitchen. The teams seem to be getting along fine, except for Tiffany and Marcel (of course). Marcel is obsessed with shrimp heads (I guess because he has one), but Tiffany just wants to finish. Which is probably the reaction of every female who has ever “teamed up” with Marcel. "Just let this be FINISHED quickly ... I pray to you, dear Paula Deen Lord"

After the mayhem in the kitchen, the teams move to the Puck Building where the event is being held. The guests and judges arrive and lines form at each station. Some teams deal well with the pressure of serving 300 guests – and some do not.

The judges discuss and it becomes very clear who the top and bottom will be.

Bottom:

Tiffany/Marcel: Marcel makes the 2^nd batch of honey glaze and Tiffany doesn’t taste it. He also overcooks the shrimp. Basically, Marcel is to this challenge what Paula Deen is to healthy eating - TOXIC.

Dale/Angelo: They are “in the weeds” (as they say in the restaurant biz) and end up serving the judges fish stew with undercooked potatoes.

Carla/Tre: Poor Carla has to spend her entire time “Hootie-Hooing” everybody in line, and not enough time cooking. And fancy, pretty, city boy Tre isn’t much of a help with her “down-home” plate of non-redemption. Tre should have pulled out the big guns (literally) and just taken his shirt off. AUTOMATIC WIN!!

Top:

Bighead Mike/Tiffani. Ugh.

Blais/Fabio: Despite a lovers quarrel, Blais’ Combo Platter #3 (Fish, Pork and Grits) is a hit with the guests and the judges.

Antonia/Spike: Antonia knows how to deal with Spike’s crabs - just boil the hell of them and hope for the best, I guess.

The remaining Cheftestants say goodbye to their loser helpers and then go to the Not-Ever-Going-To-Be-Glad-Again Storage Room. As expected, Padma calls Antonia, Blais and Bighead to appear in front of the judges. They are the top three. Richard “Keeper of the Books” Blais is declared the winner. His prize is a trip to Barbados, and Blais says he will invite Fabio to come along “with his family”. Right…

That leaves Dale, Tiffany and Carla in the bottom.

Tiffany’s shrimp was overcooked by Marcel, and the glaze (which was prepared by Marcel) was too sweet. On a positive note, we learned that Paula Deen loves sucking on heads. Too easy.

Judge John Besh said that Dale’s Amber Jack stew was “flavor warfare” – and you couldn’t taste the fish. Also – raw potatoes. Dale works in a Chinese Restaurant, fer Chrissakes!

Carla’s fried fish and collard greens was covered in too much sauce and “didn’t make sense” to Paula Deen. “Doesn’t make sense” means “needs more butter” in the Church of Paula Deen. FYI.

So there I was – sitting in my living room with my notebook on the tray table in front of me, sipping on a Diet Dr. Pepper – thinking that Tiffany is going home. After all, Tiffany hasn’t won any elimination challenges yet – whereas Carla and Dale both have. Also, as far as entertainment goes – Carla and Dale are reality TV gold. Carla because she’s so sweetly wacky, and Dale because he says what’s on his mind. Tiffany, on the other hand, is mostly known for her “I’m from Beaumont, Texas” schtick.

So there I sat, waiting for Padma to tell Tiffany to pack her knives and go back to that place that rhymes with “No Font, Lexus”. And then Padma says…

“Dale, please pack your knives and go”.

WTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMG!!!!! Really??? Dale?????

Poor Dale. After the announcment, tears welled up in his eyes because he got so close to winning AND improved so much as a person and a Chef this season. Not many of the others can say that.

I’ll miss you, Little Daddy.

What did YOU think of last night's episode? Were you surprised at the outcome?? Please share your thoughts with us in the comments.

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Top Chef All Stars Ep. 5 - "Grand (Dis)Harmony Palace

Last time on Top Chef All Stars, Spike was sent home even though Jamie somehow managed to get away with not doing much of anything. In fact, Richard Blais compared Jamie to the elusive giant octopus – lurking unseen in the deep, only venturing out occasionally to cook chick peas before disappearing again. I had no idea Octolesbians knew how to cook chick peas – obviously I need to watch more of the Discovery Lesbian Channel. 

On this week’s Quickfire, the Cheftestants enter the Top Chef kitchen and find out they will be competing head-to-head with Daddybear Chef Tom Colicchio. Tom will create a dish in the fastest time possible – and the Cheftestants will then create their own dishes in the same amount of time (or less). The only other rule is that they cannot make a raw, uncooked dish. Also, the winner will receive immunity and a Toyota “Prius” – a vehicle which sounds like it was named after a Pope or a surgical instrument. Amirite? 

Ready, set, cook! The All Stars look on in awe as they observe Chef Colicchio and his madd culinary skillz. And as Tom moves around the kitchen, they follow him blindly - like Arkansas blackbirds (watch out for those power lines!). 

After all is said, done and sautéed – Chef Tom prepared his Black Sea Bass dish at 8 minutes, 37 seconds. Which is about the same amount of time it takes me to finish my second McRib – although I’ve been known to come in at under 5 minutes if I’m really hungry. 

Ready, set, QUICKFIRE! Everyone heads to the pantry – except for the shifty, crafty, sneaky, lurking, octopus-like Marcel – who grabs Tom’s leftover Black Sea Bass. {{using my best Kung Fu voice}} “You learn quickly, young douchehopper…”. 

Everyone cooks for 8 minutes and 37 seconds, and then Padma and Tom taste the results. Some didn’t finish (Dale, Jamie) and Angelo, of course, prepared a raw dish, even though he wasn’t supposed to. On the other hand, Richard Blais, Marcel and Mike Isabella prepared dishes they liked. 

In the end, Mike Isabella wins immunity and the car – and I throw up a little in my mouth. I REALLY just don’t like that guy. And did you ever notice when they interview Mike on camera his head takes up your ENTIRE television screen? Look for it next time. Actually, you won't be able to miss it - trust me. 

Anywhore, Mike Isabella, his giant head, and Marcel get into Mike’s new car – thus making the Toyota Prius the Official Vehicle of Douchenozzles and Their Extremely Large Heads. 

Elimination Challenge: 

In this week’s elimination challenge, the Cheftestants will take over the Grand Harmony Restaurant in Chinatown for a Dim Sum lunch rush. Douchy Marcel is psyched to go to Chinatown, because it’s where he gets “cheap massages”. Ewwwww. Dale is also happy because he works in a Dim Sum restaurant – and also because as a kid he had to go home and eat sticky rice when the little David Dusts of the neighborhood were scarfing down McRibs. Sometimes life is just unfair that way. 

The Cheftestants return to the apartment for menu planning, drinking, and boobtalk – which for some reason makes the men flee. Um, I thought straight guys would be into that kind of stuff. I would understand if this was ProjectRunwayTopDesignTheFashionShow – but Top Chef??? Wow. 

They decide that Mike Isabella will “expedite” during tomorrow’s service. “Expedite" is restaurant code for “Stand around and yell about how badly you need food to serve the customers”. Coincidentally, this is also what I do in line at McDonald’s waiting for my double-McRib order. They also decide that Casey and Carla will be “Front of House” and push the Dim Sum carts. Oh, and Jamie has decided to do scallops, which makes Fabio recite the Top Chef sound bite of the ages. Everybody say it with me: “This issa Top Chef – notta Top Scallop!”. Jamie also decides to do two dishes – but not really because Antonia is going to help her with one of them. Or something. 

At this point I called the local Chinese restaurant and ordered delivery – because I realized McDonalds stopped serving McRibs and all this Dim Sum talk was making me hongray. 

The next day they go to the Chinatown equivalent of Whole Foods. And I mean, seriously, they serve WHOLE foods. Whole frogs, whole eels, and whole turtles. Poor Fabio – who has a pet turtle that he calls his “Preensess” and takes for walks on a leash – is traumatized by how the “mean” people at the market keep cutting up little Preensesses and making soup. 

The ever-sensible (and OhMyGodSEXY) Tre decides to take a different approach – walking up to the meat counter and inquiring: “What’s dead?”. But no one speaks English there, so Tre probably got a bag of slithering eels and was sent on his sexy way. 

In addition to pushing a Dim Sum cart, Casey decides to go WAY out there and prepare a chicken feet dish – which is ALMOST as disgusting as the thought of Marcel getting a rubdown across the street at Fun Yung Tings Massage Palace. 

They all head to the boiling hot Grand Harmony kitchen to prepare their dishes. A while later, the dining room fills up with 250 ravenous Chinatown residents. When you're a kid and your Mom reminded you to think of those “people starving in China” who would be “MORE THAN HAPPY” to eat those Brussels sprouts – THESE were apparently the people she was talking about. Because they were HONGRAY. 

So hungry, in fact, that some literally grab food off the Dim Sum carts as they go by. The diners obviously thought they were at the Grand Harmony Country Buffet, which is actually located on the New Jersey turnpike just south of Tenafly. I think.

The judges arrive – and they include Top Chef Master Susur Lee – the calm, cool, zen-like Mr. Miyagi of cuisine. The judges seem to get food rather quickly – but after looking around the room and seeing the starving masses, Chef Tom decides to go down to the kitchen and bust some heads. 

The scene in the hot Grand Harmony kitchen is chaotic. The Cheftestants are trying to meticulously prepare their dishes – but when you’re cooking for 250 starving former Communists you shouldn’t worry about presentation. Tom tries to get the chefs to send food out faster, and at one point Casey had to come downstairs because Antonia hadn’t sent out her chicken feet as she had promised. Dale, meanwhile, isn't even breaking a sweat – wiping of his Chef’s clogs and taking it easy. Dale has GOT THIS… 

He’s such a cute little fella, isn’t he?!? 

At the end of service, everyone feels pretty beaten up and not at all positive about what may happen at Judges Table. They gather in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room and await a stone-face Padma – who asks to see Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie and Tre. 

These five are on the bottom. Casey for her nasty chicken feet, Antonia for her part in Jamie’s bean dish, Carla for bland summer rolls, Tre for his warm custard dessert (insert inappropriate “hot cream” remark HERE), and Jamie because … well … because Jamie is always in the bottom. Despite having 8 suction-cup-equipped tentacles which should really help her while cooking. 

The top four dishes were made by Tiffany D, Angelo, Dale and Fabio (who prepared ribs which he declared were a divine Top Chef “MARACLE” for turning out so well). In the end Dale T – the Dim Sum Daddy – wins the challenge. As I told you, he GOT THIS.

As for the Chef who was sent home, everyone thought it would be Jamie. Including Jamie herself. After all, Jamie made one bad dish (scallop dumplings) and assisted in making another atrocity (General Tso’s Greasy Beans). HOWEVER, it is Casey who is sent home for her nasty chicken feet – much to everyone’s surprise. 

Then Jamie – having survived another day - returned to her hidden undersea cave to rest and prepare for the next challenge. 

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Joe Jonas is REALLY Excited to be on Top Chef Tonight

There's certainly SOMETHING going on in those jeans

Joe "Totally Not Gay" Jonas appears on Top Chef All Stars tonight to help judge the quickfire challenge. Dale Talde's reaction to this earth-shattering news cracked me up - he's obviously a big Jonas Brothers fan ...

Speaking of Top Chef All Stars, I had a little Twitter exchange with Carla "Hootie Hoo" Hall last night! It all started when I received this notice in my inbox...

Yup, Fabio "Top Dog, Italian Dog" Viviani is following me on Twitter! I sent him a "thanks for following" tweet, and shortly thereafter I got THIS in my email inbox...

Hootie ... HOOOOO! I figured she was just following me because Fabio was, but then we had THIS short exchange...

Yikes! I THINK I was relatively kind to Carla in my recaps that season, but maybe I should go back and check ...

Anywhore, Fabio told me he'll be live tweeting during the show tonight, which should be fun (FYI: he tweets with an accent also). I'll be taking notes for tomorrow's recap during the show, but I'll try to stop by Twitter and say hello at some point.

Follow Me on Twitter HERE

Follow Carla Hall HERE

Follow Fabio Viviani HERE

Follow Dale Talde HERE

Follow Spike Mendelsohn HERE

Follow Jamie Lauren HERE

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Top Chef All Stars - Episode 1 - The Gang's All Here

So who watched Top Chef: All Stars last night? I did – and I thought it was the most enjoyable 75 minutes of television I’ve seen in a long time.

Please Note: I purposefully didn’t “Drunk Tweet” the show in order to take good notes and write a proper recap today. However, two things conspired against that…

• I forgot to bring my notes with me.

• The “All Star” Cheftestants are, much like the Top Chef Masters, are so aware of themselves, their ‘characters’, and their images – that it may be difficult to recap. DRAMA = FUN RECAPS, and these Cheftestants are all celebrities now, and most of them know each other. So I wonder just how much DRAMA there will be this season.

Here are some bullet points just from memory. Forgive my scattered train-of-thought:

• Last night was a great walk down Memory Lane, but I’m not sure casual fans of the show enjoyed it as much as I did. The elimination challenge was awesome – recreate the dish(es) that sent each person home, but it was a little bit insider-y.

• 18 Cheftestants is A LOT of people to keep track of.

• There is a special place in my heart for the Season Four (Chicago) Cheftestants – since it was the first season I recapped. And as much stank as I threw toward Dale Talde and Spike Mendelsohn – they are actually now my two favorites.

•  I love Dale because he’s a smack talking shorty who called out Chef Michael Chiarello on his douchery during Top Chef Masters. And I love Spike because… well, he’s Spike. As Chef Bourdain said last night – he is probably the sneakiest M-Fer to ever appear on the show. And Spike is actually a nice guy – I’ve corresponded with him on Twitter, and he totally doesn’t hate me for calling him an Asshat or accusing him of having a homobromance with Crazy Andrew.

• On the other hand, there are some Cheftestants who I simply cannot stand. Marcel, Mike and Stephen fall into this category. I also don’t care for Casey (I’ll never forgive her for what she did to Carla) and Elia. And I swear to Jeebus, if Angelo wins this I’ll be furious.

• Gail. Boobies. ‘Nuf said.

• I love how happy Tom Colicchio and Padma were to see these Cheftestants again. You could just see by the smiles on everybody’s faces that they are enjoying this.

• Fabio. Oh Fabio … how I love thee. In my eyes, he is “Top Dog … Italian Dog” – but I thought he was gonna go all Tony Soprano on Anthony Bourdain’s ass last night after Bourdain talked smack about his pasta.

So, what did you think of last night’s episode – please let us know in the Comments.

UPDATE: To read my Episode Two Recap, click HERE.

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Top Chef Tonight & Live Chat With Dale Talde

Don't forget to watch Top Chef tonight at 10pm EST on Bravo. Click HERE for previews - and look for The Minx's recap to be posted here sometime tomorrow.

In other Top Chef news, go HERE to find out how to join in on a live chat with Cheftestant Dale Talde (below) from Season 4. You know I didn't like Dale during his season of Top Chef - he seemed to have such a large ego for such a little man. But during Top Chef Masters, when Dale called Chef Michael Chiarello out for being an enormously smarmy D-bag, my attitude towards Dale completely changed for the better. So if you join in on the chat, tell him that David Dust would like to pinch his chubby little cheeks! AND the ones on his face ...

Besides, Dale was the only one brave enough (stupid enough???) to pick fights with the lesbians from Season 4. Now THAT takes balls...

Top Chef Masters Ep. 9: "What's My Name?... B-U-T-T-M-U-N-C-H"

Last week on Top Chef Masters, the chef’s cooked a lunch for actress/vegan/gluten-allergic/pain-in-the-ass Zooey Deschanel and her friends. And Art “Food is Love” Smith was sent home after learning that cooking for Vegans is even harder than keeping up with Oprah’s insatiable appetite for Macaroni & Cheese.

Four chefs remain – Hubert Keller, Anita Lo, Rick Bayless, and Michael “David Has Been Saying For Weeks That I’m An Ass” Chiarello. They enter the kitchen and are greeted by Kelly Choi.

Kelly announces that this will be the last Quckfire before the Championship Round. And they’ve saved “the best for last” – the blindfolded taste test. Each chef will taste 20 ingredients – the chef who identifies the most will get 5 Stars.

The chefs wait in the dining room to be called individually. Chef Anita Lo mentions that the charity she is playing for is “Cher” ("Share??”). I had no idea my favorite Gypsy, Tramp & Thief was having money problems…


Michael Chiarello is up first, and he’s all like “Italian, Italian, Italian” – and I’m all like “Puke, Puke, Barf”. FYI: The “Italian” missed mascarpone.

The other chefs follow. Hubert’s favorite part was when Kelly blindfolded him (za French, zey are so kinky, no?), and Rick and Anita both identified something called poppadom correctly. That’s funny, I dated a guy named Dominic once, and he liked it when I called him “BIG Poppa Dom”…

The results of the Quickfire are: Michael Suckmyassiarello wins, followed by Rick and Anita. Hubert comes in last.

Kelly announces this week’s Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing a buffet lunch for 200 people rounded up off Los Angeles streets (AKA “Hollywood Insiders”). Each chef must “hire” three sous chefs to help him or her.

The potential sous chefs enter, and they are all former Top Cheftestants. These include winner Ilan, Asshats Spike and Dale, GENUINE Italian Fabio, and Alex Eusebio – the Dominican cutie who was about to be married when he appeared on Season 5. I know, I’m the only one who remembers him – but you know how I am with the Papis. And you know what they say about Dominican men…


Trust me – it’s true. Anywhore, the Masters will have a few minutes to “interview” each former Cheftestants – and then they’ll pick teams.

Immediately, Michael Chiarello cranks up the douchiness to DoucheWarp 17. The first thing he does is tell LesbiJamie to go find some carrots and a knife and start chopping. And then he wants her to iron his shirts and make him a sandwich. Michael is so douchy, that the douchiest douchebag in Doucheville (AKA “Spike”) thinks Chiarello is simply ridiculous.

Even Richard Blais, the mild-mannered “Molecular Gastronomist” runner-up from Season 4, thought Chiarello was an ass – especially when he started asking everyone “What’s my name?”. Blais answered “Key-A-Rell-ee??” and said that anyone who asks “what’s my name?” should NEVER get their name pronounced correctly. Score one for the Molecular Geekstonomist.

Meanwhile, the non-douchy Masters are actually asking questions and discussing the Cheftestant’s backgrounds. You know, like in a normal interview. CJ said it was like “speed dating for chefs”. If that was the case, Michael Chiarello would have ended up with absolutely NO potential matches and wouldn’t have been invited back.

Slimeiarello gets to pick first – and he picks Fabio. Fabio looks devastated because he, like everyone else, wants to work with the legendary Hubert Keller – not the legendarily asinine Michael Chiarello – Italian or not.

The teams end up as follows:

Team What’s My Name?: Fabio, Brian Malarky, and CJ

Team Bayless: Richard Blais, Papi Alex, Betty

Team Anita Lo: Jamie, Dale, Ilan. Jamie (who worked with Anita years ago) actually suggested she pick Dale. And Ilan – who WON his season of Top Chef – was picked third-to-last (just ahead of Betty and Spike). Ouch.

Team Hubert Keller: Antonia, Elia, and Spike. Spike said that it was a “compliment” to be picked last, because the Masters didn’t want Spike to “outshine” them. And that’s why Spike was the douchiest douchebag in Doucheville … until Michael Chiarello stole his douchy crown.


The chefs meet with their sous chefs. Bayless and Keller really seem to want input, Anita mumbles something about “Asian” and “Raw Bar” and “playing it safe”, and Michael Chiarello demands that his sous chefs go out and wash his car.

Everyone splits up for shopping at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods to spend their $2,000 budgets – and then they all return to the Top Chef kitchen for 3 ½ hours of prep.

Right off the bat, the former Cheftestant sous chefs know that being nice and cordial to your “colleagues” just doesn’t cut it in this game. Dale and the others start claiming fridge and freezer space immediate. Chiarello was too busy worrying about the fact that his sous chefs didn’t polish his hub caps correctly to immediately claim fridge space. When Chiarello figures out what has happened, he tries to intimidate Dale into giving up his refrigerator.

Wrong move. First of all, Dale has a bit of a temper. Secondly, Dale suffers from a condition known as “Short Man’s Disease”. Smaller men sometimes make up for their stature by being combative little wombats. So when Michael stars referring to Dale as “young man”, he might have well have called him “Half-Pint”, “Little Fella” or “Shorty McShrimperstein”.

Dale wasn’t haven’t it and started yelling “Whaddya Gonna DO about it?!?”. Now I realize that violence isn’t usually the answer, but if there was ever a time when it was called for, it was now. I was PRAYING for Dale to smack Chiarello. But Dale didn’t swing, and Michael mumbled something about “Italian Macho” and slithered away. I think if Dale would have thrown the first punch, the rest of the Cheftestants would have probably joined in and piled on. I can just picture Antonia and Betty wailing on Chiarello and screaming “What’s MY name, you little BITCH?!?!”.

Over at Team Anita, Chef Lo is remembering things about Jamie. Like how it takes her forever to prepare seafood. Chef Anita mumbles something diplomatic about Jamie getting “overwhelmed by details”, which is just code for “Damn, that girl is SLOW”.

Prep Day is over – and it’s now Elimination Day. Everyone re-enters the kitchen for what they think will be 2 ½ hours to prepare their buffets. But Kelly walks in and announces a “twist” – the location will now be at a hotel, and they must pack everything up and move to the new site.

Everything is neatly put into the Glad family of products (natch) and shipped over to the hotel. When they get over there, the chefs realize that the buffets will be set up outside in the blazing sun. Kelly then announces the final twist – one sous chef must be cut from each team immediately.

Malarky, Betty, Jamie, and Spike get cut (I’m sure Spike was sent home because he was outshining Hubert Keller). Fabio was glad not to be sent home, since he had worked so hard and was “sweateeng like a mountain-a goat at da bitch!”. Goodness, I miss Fabio…

The well-dressed homeless Hollywood Insiders arrive, as do the judges. They visit Anita Lo’s Asian Buffet first, then Michael Chiarello’s “Rustic Italian Buffet” (which Blais said looked like “a wedding from 1987”), followed by Chef Hubert’s table. Finally, they end up at Rick Bayless’ Mexican Buffet – complete with Richard Blais making tableside sorbet with liquid nitrogen.

The chefs serve and the judges and guests eat. When it’s all over, the four remaining Masters head back to the Judges Table.

While the judges speak to the chefs it becomes very apparent that they really likee Chefs Keller and Bayless, and no likee Chefs Lo and Chiarello. They weren’t thrilled with the sun-cooked “raw” bar from Anita Lo, and the judges had problems with some of Chiarello’s 1987 Wedding items – especially the raggedy swordfish.

Time for the results. Hubert wins, and he and Rick Bayless move on to the final round. This leaves Anita Lo and Michael Chiarello. You can imagine who I wanted to stay.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Anita Lo is sent home with no money for Cher. And Michael Chiarello is still the douchiest douchebag in Doucheville. AND we have to suffer through another week of his douchiosity.

What’s MY name: "P-I-S-S-E-D".

Top Chef Masters - Tonight

Remember darlings - Top Chef Masters airs tonight on Bravo at 10pm EST. To see some preview videos, go HERE.

Tonight is the night the producers throw Season 5 Cheftestant Dale Talde an extra $20 to create some drama, so he yells at Chef Michael Chiarello...

Top Chef Masters - Who You Calling A Ho ... Cake?

On last week’s Top Chef Masters, annoying Michael Chiarello wasn’t sent home (damn!), but there WAS a guest appearance by cutie Chef Christopher Lee (below).

Seriously, Christopher and I would make beautiful babies. Anywhoo – the five remaining Cheftestants are Rick Bayless, Anita Lo, Art Smith, Michael Slimearello, and Hubert Keller. FYI: If you Google “Art Smith Big Queen”, DavidDust comes up as the #1 selection. Try it … I’ll wait…

Anywhore, the five Masters enter the Top Chef Kitchen only to find a HUGE table full of Hamburgers and French Fries. This is also known as “Heaven”. Trust. Host Kelly “OMG I Ate a French Fry I’m Gonna Get Fat” Choi explains that this week’s Quickfire will be to create a gourmet burger and a side dish.

Hubert reveals that his restaurants sell 1000 burgers a day, and he also serves the world’s most expensive burger – which costs $5,000. Five thousand dollars for a BURGER?!? That shit better come with extra napkins … and an envelope with $4,990 cash in it.

The Masters get to burgering. Rick Bayless is doing some kind of Mexiburger (natch), Hubert is doing the $15 version of his $5,000 burger, and Anita Lo is doing a Cheese Soup with burger balls. Sounds delish.

Art Smith – my Big Gay Sister – is doing HO Hoe Cakes. I had to Google “Hoe Cakes” (right after I Googled “Art Smith Big Queen”) and Hoe cakes are NOT these …

… Or THESE…


Hoe cakes are cornbreadish, and Art wants to put his burger on that Ho … Cake.

Michael Chiarello is annoying me by calling his big-ass burger a “Hamborghese GreatBighese” or some Italianesque name. Why can’t he just call is a Big-Ass Burger like a normal person? Michael Chiarello is annoyinghese.

We find out the three judges for the Quickfire are: some dude who makes burgers at his restaurant, Asshat Spike, and Morgan Spurlock (below) – a straight man with the gayest facial hair on the planet. I’ve always wondered if Spurlock performs in a Village People cover band on the weekends for extra cash.


Anywhoo – Spurlock’s claim to fame (besides the Macho Man mustache) is the documentary he made called Supersize Me. Spurlock ate at McDonald’s every day for 30 days – and documented his resulting weight gain, etc in the movie. What a lightweight … try eating at McDonald’s every day for 30 YEARS!!! Where the Hell is MY movie??...

Burger-judging happens. The Masters seem upset by the lack of sophistication of the Judges. Uh … DUH!! You have some dude, Spike, and another dude with a mustache. What did they expect? The best was when mild-mannered Rick Bayless and Hubert Keller basically plotted to kill Spike by throwing him off the roof. I could get on board with that.

Results:

Anita’s Cheesy Burger Ball Soup is rated the worst. Rick Bayless and Michael Chiarello tie for the win. And Art Smith’s HoBurger ended up somewhere in the middle. FYI: If Art Smith opened a restaurant called “HoBurger Heaven”, I would totally eat there every day for at least 30 days.

Elimination:

For the Elimination Challenge this week, the Masters will be catering a five-course lunch for “singer/actress Zooey Deschanel”. The name sounds familiar, but I had to Google her (seriously, this recap should be sponsored by Google) to figure out who she was. Art Smith said he liked her in “Elf”, but I though he said “Alf”…


It’s an easy mistake. Art Smith doesn’t trust Miss Zooey – he can tell something’s up. Art knows never to trust a skinny bitch. And something certainly IS up; Zoey Deschanel has a few dietary restrictions:

No meat, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, or soy. And she’s “allergic” to gluten (wheat-based products). Those of us in the restaurant business know that “allergic” means “I’d rather not eat”. We know this because we secretly put whatever you’re “allergic” to in your dish and you NEVER die. I kid...

The Masters drive over to Whole Foods and head for the “Tasteless Crap For Weirdos” aisle. It’s slim pickens, and the Chefs aren’t happy to be cooking with such restrictions. There is nothing worse than cooking for a C-List celebrity with A-List issues.

After shopping, they head back to the Top Chef Kitchen for two hours of prep. Rick Bayless is doing Mexican something, Hubert is doing a trio of something that sounds fabulous because of his accent, Anita is doing grilled eggplant, and Michael is doing some Quinoa pasta. I don’t know what it is either … Google it.

Then there’s Art Smith. Art has volunteered to do dessert – and he has decided on a Strawberry and Champagne soup. He uses some kind of nasty-sounding rice milk ice cream – which “concerns” Rick Bayless. Doesn’t Bayless remind you of the know-it-all kid at school,who was always “surprised” when he got a perfect score on a test? Yeah, Rick is THAT GUY, but I can’t help but like him anyway.

The Chefs head over to the venue to get set up. Zooey is there to greet them, and to apologize for being such a pain in the ass. “Nobody cooks for me!”, she says – adding that she is excited to see what the Chefs come up with. She does this because the producers told her that kitchen people are sometimes known to do HORRIBLE things to the food of annoying people with dietary dramas. Wise move…

The Judges arrive, along with Zooey’s friends and Mother. And let me just say, Mom is the coolest person there … by far. Zooey’s friends look an advertisement for Benetton – if all the “models” were members of the Chemistry Club.

Hubert serves first, but the waiters kept dropping his shot glasses filled with vegan liquid. It’s because that crap wants to be out of that glass and back in the earth, where it belongs. Dust to dust, so to speak.

Anito Lo is next. Her grilled eggplant wasn’t a hit.

Michael Chiarello’s fake pasta is next. It is so good that Zooey now wants to “hug” Michael. He'd love it, but she'd have to wash the smarm off afterwards.

Rick Bayless presents his Mexicana Extravaganza, followed by Art Smith’s Strawberry-Champagne Ho Soup.

Zooey, the Chemistry Club, and Mom rate the food – and the Chefs/Judges head back to the Judges Table.

Judges discuss. Chefs defend. Rick Bayless gives us a 5 minute lecture regarding the many ways the indigenous peoples of Mexico use their native fresh vegetables … zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

In the end, Michael Chiarello wins (DAMN!) – and Hubert and Rick tie for second. This leaves Art and Anita in the bottom.

Anita ends up ½ star ahead, so Art Smith is forced to head back to Chicago. It won’t be the same without Art and his dimply Ho Cakes.


Next week on Top Chef Masters – old Cheftestants return as Sous Chefs!! And Douchy Dale Talde picks a fight with Michael Chiarello. As a result I will NEVER refer to Dale as "Douchy" again. He will forever be known as “Delightful Dale” or “Delicious Dale” or “Kick Michael Chiarello’s ASS Dale”…