The Fashion Show Ep. 9 - BRAAAAAAIIIINSS!!!

Last time on The Fashion Show, consistent winner Eduardo was sent home – leaving Cesar, Dominique, Jeffrey and Calvin Tranny to compete for the three places in the finale.

This week everyone is missing Eduardo, and the usual note is slipped under the door – instructing the Fashiontestents to head over to the Chelsea Piers. Once there, Iman informs them that they will be taking a boat ride to experience the elements (Earth, Air and Water) – which will serve as their inspiration this week. Which is about as standard a fashion reality show challenge as there is. Could it be that the producers of The Fashion NO are as “over” this show as the rest of us are?

The two Houses will compete against each other for the final time (Nami: Calvin/Dominique; Emerald: Jeffrey/Cesar) and the winning House will go to the finale AND receive…

Tell them what they’ll win, Rod Roddy:

(Link) View more Bob Barker Sound Clips and Price Is Right Announcer Sound Clips

Anywhore, they get on the boat and sketch and let the wind blow the stank off for a while. Speaking of stank, Calvin is psyched about the challenge because apparently he's some kind of Feng Shui Master. Which is puzzling, since Feng Shui is the practice of positioning objects in order to achieve maximum harmony. It seems that if one of the objects in a room is Calvin’s mouth, then there's usually lots of disharmony. Is all I'm sayin'.

After Mr. and Mrs. Howell, Mary Anne and Ginger finish their One Hour Tour, they head to the workroom for Mood Boards and sketching. Calvin is obviously in charge of Team Nami – rambling on about “Ancient Chinese Secrets” and such. Ancient Chinese Secret, huh??...

I know better - I watched TV in the 70's.

Cesar and Jeffrey are “like sisters” and are working as a true team. They also have the advantage of being able to use a vintage accessory because of Jeffrey’s win last week. Being a true Queen (albeit a virgin one), Jeffrey chose a jeweled crown to incorporate into their collection.

Calvin and Dominique, on the other hand, are working as a dictatorship, with Calvin playing the role of Emperor Palpatine and Dominique as his evil apprentice - Darth Giggles.

Isaac consults with both Houses – and spouts off a bunch of high fallutin’, fancy references that none of the Fashiontestants understand. Speaking of incomprehensible – Calvin’s “vision” for the House of Nami’s show involves snow, bare feet and sounds of the elements. If they REALLY wanted to go all elemental – they could use the universal sound of climbing snow-capped mountains…

(Link) View more Cliffhanger Sound Clips and On The Franches Mountains Sound Clips

The designers head to NotMood for fabric and then back to the workroom. As the day progresses, Calvin becomes more and more confident – but inexplicably transforms from Emperor Palpatine to Hong Kong Phooey, complete with Kung Fu kicks.

Day One ends and Day Two begins – and back in the workroom Dominique is starting to smile. I guess Calvin DOES know some Ancient Chinese Secrets. The models come in for fittings and for the first time we see Calvin’s pregnancy dress – which is really weird. But Calvin spews some gibberish about women and birth and earth and the source of life – and, like a good Apprentice, Dominique doesn’t question her Master.

Both Houses line up their looks and say not-so-nice things about the other teams – before finishing up for the day.

Fashion Show day is here and everyone scurries around backstage while the audience arrives. Guest judging this week are Gilles Mendel of J. Mendel and Glenda Bailey, the head-biatch-in-charge of Harper’s Bazaar.

The House of Emerald show first – and they send a flowy and light collection of dresses down the runway. Cesar and Jeffrey seem very happy with the results.

Up next – the House of Nami. Let’s see … how do I describe this show??? Okay… take one part Zombie movie:

Add a touch of the creepy girl from The Ring

And sprinkle in a little of Michael Jackson’s Thriller (without the choreography, music or the King of Pop):

And that is what the House of Nami’s show looked like:

See what I mean? The shoeless models slowly crept down the cotton ball-covered runway like they were in search of BRAAAAIIINS – and the audience actually looked uncomfortable. It was at that moment when I got the feeling Calvin and Dominique would win for this hot Zombie mess.

But of course the judges had to make it look like Calvin and Dominique might lose. They particularly hated Calvin’s pregnancy dress – with Isaac saying the model didn’t look pregnant, she looked “malignant”. Glenda Bailey said it looked like an advertisement for back pain medication. Trust me, not even Doan’s Pills wants anything to do with this mess. Furthermore, Ms. Bailey remarked that the models looked like they were mad because someone stole their shoes. No darling, they were mad because they were undead zombies who crawled out of the TV set in search of brains – and apparently found none among an entire sea of fashionistas.

On the other hand, the judges also had issues with the House of Emerald. They hated The Virgin Queen’s Crown, and also both Cesar’s and Jeffrey’s looks with jackets.

Time for the results. And the winner is … ZOMBIES!!! I knew it.

That’s right – Calvin and Dominique will go to the finale AND they win new cars. Tell us what else we have for them:

(Link) View more Bob Barker Sound Clips and Price Is Right Announcer Sound Clips

This means either Cesar or Jeffrey will be going home. But in an interesting twist, the judges send both backstage for an additional 45 minutes so they can revise their least successful looks. They scurry around – both ditching the unsuccessful jackets and trying to come up with something the judges will like.

After 45 minutes, Cesar and Jeffrey bring out their updated designs. The judges will write down the name of the person they think should win – at which time Jeff Probst will tally the votes and one Survivor’s torch will be extinguished and he will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately. Or something.

Iman Probst reads the votes – and the third person to go to the finale will be …

Sorry Cesar, the tribe has spoken.

And, on his way out the door - after collecting his consolation prize of a year's supply of Turtle Wax - poor Cesar was haunted by a constant and familiar sound. A sound of sadness … a sound of LOSING:

(Link) View more Yes Sound Clips and The Price Is Right Losing Horns Sound Clips

So, with the three finalists established, I leave you with these words of advice from a very wise man:

(Link) View more Bob Barker Sound Clips and The Price Is Right Quotes and Sound Clips

What did YOU think of last night's episode??? Tell us in the comments - or I'll come eat your BRAAAAAIIIINS!!!



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The Fashion Show – Ep. 1 – “Oh Here Go Hell Come”

Hello DustBunnies! Did you watch The Fashion NO Show last night? Believe it or not IT WASN’T HALF BAD!

For those who watched last season, you might remember that The Fashion Show sucked like Lestat at a Blood Bank. But Bravo made some big changes, and the results were positive. And I’m not JUST SAYING THIS OUT OF SPITE.

Last night’s show opened with the Fashiontestants arriving in NYC via skateboard, subway and taxi (literally). Each was ushered into The Fashion Show studio, where they were greeted by Stefan – one of those headset-wearing, clipboard-carrying control freaks who rule over fashion in NYC. Stefan instructed the designers to select a sewing kit – each kit having a number. This number corresponded to a model, and the order in which the model will appear on the runway. Yes, the designers will be doing a fashion show immediately – they were instructed to bring a signature look, which they slap onto their models while Stefan barks instructions.

In the midst of this process, we meet some of the Fashiontestants. There’s Jeffrey, who is wearing some kind of Obi Wan Kenobi robe. There is Cindy, who begins her introduction with “When I was a little girl in Mexico...”. Oy. Nothing good can come of an introduction like that. It’s either going to continue with “fabulous seaside Haciendas” or “selling tortillas door-to-door”. There doesn’t seem to be much middle ground once you go the “little girl in Mexico” route.

We meet Cesar Galindo – who’s a designer I’ve actually heard of. Cesar left the business when his partner got sick with colon cancer, a battle his partner (sadly) lost. There is also Dominique, who is the plain white girl I immediately forget when she’s off the TV screen. Dominique is one of those people who constantly mentions she’s only 21 years old.

The highlight (or lowlight, depending on your outlook) of these introductions was Calvin Tran (below). Calvin, obviously, is the “character” this season – and his accent reminds me of an Asian Casanova. Like Casanova, Calvin requires subtitles while speaking.

In addition to being the “character”, Calvin is also the bitch this season. But, for some reason, “da bitch come out three clock”, he says. What is it about 3 pm that brings out the stank in Calvin?? Most people get sleepy at 3:00 and have a cup of coffee – Calvin, apparently yells at babies and kicks puppies instead. Whatever works, I guess.

The designers are ordered to the runway CATWALK (sorry) and all of a sudden it’s LIGHTS! MODELS! GARMENTS! GIBBERISH FROM CALVIN! The models walk the runway, but this mini-show doesn’t serve a purpose other than to introduce more of the designers to us.

There’s Francine, who is already judging people and talking about how she has a “good chance of winning” the competition. Buh-bye, Francine.

There’s Tamara, who begins her story with “I grew up in the Projects”. Oy. And then she equates being a successful designer with being a Double Dutch champion. Double Oy. Somehow I don’t think Coco Chanel ever got on the Double Dutch Bus.

Then we meet Eduardo … who says some words, but the only thing I can do is purr "HOLA PAPI" as I stare into his deep brown eyes" Yep, I already have a favorite …

Then there’s Mike, who wears a hat and has “sat front row” at many fashion shows. Dear Mike: that’s what Kelly Rowland said last season, and you’ll notice she’s not here anymore. I’ve sat in the first booth at Arby’s plenty of times, but that doesn’t mean I know how to make Horsey Sauce. Just saying.

We also meet David – who is frickin’ adorable, but starts yammering about “the return of the Greenpeace Yuppies” and “being born in space in the 80’s but coming back to earth”. All I can think of is …

“Golnessa” is next. She wants to “bring glamour back” and loves “old Hollywood” and “wants to be famous”. Golnessa obviously got lost looking for RuPaul’s Drag Race (which was filming next door) and decided to give The Fashion Show a try instead. It’s time to Lip Synch For Your Life, Golnessa!

Speaking of RuPaul, Iman makes a Drag Race-worthy entrance that has the children gagging on her glamour. Learn it … and LEARN IT WELL!! Iman explains the rules and then instructs the designers to LOOK AT THE SCREEEN! (she talks in a language all her own – in which exclamation points are the only punctuation). The screen shows images from Iman’s long and lauded fashion career. She has worked with the BEST (!), and now she’s working with the REST (AKA "these biatches"!).

Challenge #1: Design an outfit for Iman. She instructs them to consider her story! Her style! And her “bubbly and sometimes prickly personality”! Then Iman drops the bomb: they will be working in two teams this season! The numbers they picked backstage correspond into two “fashion houses”!

Calvin immediately burps … “Me … Calvin Tran … working with PEOPLE. Oh here go Hell come”. I half expected him to add … “AND I GETTING FAT”!!

The teams meet to come up with names and ideas. First of all, we have Team Nami (“Iman” backwards) which consists of all the cute Latino guys, that front row hat dude and the 21-year-old chick.

The other team – AKA “Team Avoid Calvin After Three Clock”, AKA “Team Island of Misfit Designers”. They decide to call themselves Emerald Syx, which sounds like a slutty girl-band/opening act for Prince during the 1980’s.

Isaac Mizrahi makes an appearance to consult with each team, and does his best Tim Gunn imitation. Isaac actually gives good advice and avoids being the Mean Girl he was last season. But he does mention that he’s “terrified” by the tension on Team Calvin. “They will hate my face!”, Calvin blurts out. Honey, they already hate your face … and your fingers, your knees, your earlobes, etc …

The Fashiontestants go to NotMood and shop for fabric, and then head back to NotAtlasAparments and check out their living space. It is here that we find out that cute-but-drug-addled David (below) is “straight” (despite his outfit in this picture).

When asked how old he is by one of The Gays, David suggestively answers “30 … with a 33 inch … … waist” and then flashes his adorable smile. DANGER!! IN THE NAME OF JUDY GARLAND, THE GAY BOYS MUST EVACUATE!!! David is one of THOSE straight guys … one who isn’t afraid of batting an eyelid (or taking off his shirt) when he wants/needs something from The Gays. This syndrome is also known as “Every guy I have ever fallen for”.

The next day in the workroom, the designers begin to work on their designs. Front Row Mike is attempting to do an African tribal motif as a tribute to Iman’s heritage, but then he mentions something about a noose-like rope around the neckline. I just CAN’T.

The clock hits ‘three clock’ and Calvin starts fighting with his sewing machine. Imagine, me … Calvin Tran … working with SINGER. Calvin also mentions he designs his garments to be multi-functional – “skirt become a dress become a poncho become a Snuggie become a cleaning rag”. Oh here go HELL come.

We find out that Golnessa (stripper name: ‘Golnessa The Undressa’) and Cindy-From-Mexico are actually business partners. This, unsurprisingly, pisses Calvin off since it's after ‘three clock’.

Cesar seems to be finished already, and is walking around giving his team advice and helping out. Cesar is a wise Yoda, whereas Calvin is evil Darth Vader. However, Calvin does end up helping Francine, who can’t get herself together and mentions that it’s “not easy working under the gun like this”. I guess she thought the revamped Fashion Show would include 7-day challenges, as opposed to the traditional 1-2 days.

The next morning arrives, and the designers prepare for the runway CATWALK. This includes Calvin doing upside-down calisthenics and aerobic gibberish-talking.

They proceed to the workspace and dress their models and take them to hair and makeup. “Three clock” hits again, and Calvin and Francine get into a huge shouting match about smoky eyes (or something). Best line? “You I accuse, Honey”. Wait, maybe Calvin is Yoda after all. “Begun, the Fashion War has …”

The audience and judges enter the auditorium. The judges include Iman!, Isaac, designer Rachel Roy, and Laura Brown from Harper’s Bazaar.

The House of Vanity 6 Emerald Syx shows first, and all I can think of is “Oh here go HELL come”. Tamara’s model can’t walk in her dress, Jeffrey’s model forgot to open the jacket, and Francine’s model looked like she’s wearing something from Sex and the City circa 1996. Furthermore, they have arranged for the models to be covered in sheets, which are ripped off before they walk down the runway. The effect is more “Let’s Make A Deal” than “The Devil Wears Prada”.

Next up is the House of Cute Papis Plus Two (AKA “Nami”). They use a white color palette, and their collection looks polished and fierce.

Iman and Isaac come backstage to speak to the designers and announce the winning team. The House of Cute Papis Plus Two is the winner! Isaac thinks they captured the spirit of the different sides of Iman – incredibly without using exclamation points. Furthermore, Cesar Galindo produced the overall winning look.

Next up, the House of Emerald Syx must face the judges - who didn’t think the collection was cohesive, and had some big problems with some of the individual pieces.

Laura Brown thought Francine’s outfit looked like it came from the "Prices Reduced As Marked" rack at Strawberry. Ouch. Tamara threw everything but the kitchen sink into her garment – making the model look fat AND preventing her from walking. And Calvin produced something with a jeweled neckline that even RuPaul’s girls wouldn’t wear. Not even Golnessa.

This set Calvin off into a gibberish rant directed smack dab at the judges. Something about “whatever wind blow dat way what vision want little screw them drape around …”.

Actually, I must apologize to Casanova. Casanova sounds like John (“They EARN it”) Houseman compared to Calvin.

Iman isn’t having it, calling Calvin’s garment CHEAP! and declaring it a FASHION EMERGENCY! in need of an EVACUATION! Apparently 'da bitch come out three clock' for Iman also.

Jeffrey, Cindy, Golnessa the Undressa and Tamara are safe – leaving Francine and Calvin. At that point, any veteran reality show watcher knows that Francine didn’t stand a chance – Calvin will stick around to yell at sewing machines and mangle the English language for at least another week.

And, as expected, a bitter Francine is sent back from whence she came. Oh here go (home) Hell come.

For my Episode #2 recap, click HERE.

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REMINDER: The Fashion Show Premieres on Tuesday

Just a reminder: The Fashion Show: Ultimate Collection premieres on Tuesday (Nov. 2nd) - and I will be recapping it. It's been a long time since I dished out the reality show snark, and I'm looking forward to putting on my biatchpants again.

Furthermore, after that horrible travesty from last week, I've decided to promote THE HELL out of The Fashion Show. I don't care if the show is bad or if Isaac Mizrahi is annoying - at least The Fashion Show is on Bravo and not on that-network-which-shall-not-be-named-on-this-blog-again.

Seriously, I'm gonna be selling this show like a Funnel Cake vendor at a Weight Watchers convention.

In addition, our friends at Blogging Bravo and Tom & Lorenzo will be blogging about it as well. In fact, Tom & Lorenzo have seen an advanced copy of the first episode and have good things to report - especially about fierce diva Iman. Oh, and apparently Isaac Mizrahi is NOT annoying - at least during episode one.

Watch what happens, biatches...

The Fashion NO Returns

Bravo has decided to give The Fashion Show (which is referred to around here as "The Fashion NO") another try after a HORRIBLE Season One. Thankfully, they've gotten rid of one of the big negatives from last time, Kelly Rowland, and replaced her with none other than the legendary Iman!

I think this is a brilliant move, even though there is something absolutely terrifying about Iman. She is other-worldly beautiful, and yet looks as if she could reduce Naomi Campbell to tears with nothing but an eye flick. Miss Bitchypants Isaac Mizrahi better mind his P's and Q's, lest he find himself at the bottom of the Hudson River - his hands and feet bound with Christian Dior haute couture gowns.

Actually, Isaac DOES look askeered standing next to Iman. BE AFRAID Isaac ... be VERY afraid ...

More information on The Fashion NO - Season 2 HERE.

Daddy Of The Day - Iman

Funny name - gorgeous guy. And NO, he's not married to David Bowie.