Hello DustBunnies! Did you watch The Fashion NO Show last
night? Believe it or not IT WASN’T HALF BAD!
For those who watched last season, you might remember
that The Fashion Show sucked like Lestat at a Blood Bank. But Bravo made some big
changes, and the results were positive. And I’m not JUST SAYING THIS OUT OF SPITE.
Last night’s show opened with the Fashiontestants arriving
in NYC via skateboard, subway and taxi (literally). Each was ushered into The Fashion
Show studio, where they were greeted by Stefan – one of those headset-wearing,
clipboard-carrying control freaks who rule over fashion in NYC. Stefan instructed
the designers to select a sewing kit – each kit having a number. This number corresponded
to a model, and the order in which the model will appear on the runway. Yes,
the designers will be doing a fashion show immediately – they were instructed to bring a
signature look, which they slap onto their models while Stefan barks
instructions.
In the midst of this process, we meet some of the Fashiontestants.
There’s Jeffrey, who is wearing some kind of Obi Wan Kenobi robe. There is
Cindy, who begins her introduction with “When I was a little girl in Mexico... Mexico
We meet Cesar Galindo – who’s a designer I’ve actually
heard of. Cesar left the business when his partner got sick with colon
cancer, a battle his partner (sadly) lost. There is also Dominique, who is the
plain white girl I immediately forget when she’s off the TV screen. Dominique
is one of those people who constantly mentions she’s only 21 years old.
The highlight (or lowlight, depending on your outlook) of these
introductions was Calvin Tran (below). Calvin, obviously, is the “character” this
season – and his accent reminds me of an Asian Casanova. Like Casanova, Calvin
requires subtitles while speaking.
In addition to being the “character”, Calvin is also the bitch this season. But, for some reason, “da bitch come out three clock”, he says. What is it
about 3 pm that brings out the stank in Calvin?? Most people get sleepy at 3:00
and have a cup of coffee – Calvin, apparently yells at babies and kicks puppies
instead. Whatever works, I guess.
The designers are ordered to the runway CATWALK (sorry) and
all of a sudden it’s LIGHTS! MODELS! GARMENTS! GIBBERISH FROM CALVIN! The models
walk the runway, but this mini-show doesn’t serve a purpose other
than to introduce more of the designers to us.
There’s Francine, who is already judging people and talking
about how she has a “good chance of winning” the competition. Buh-bye,
Francine.
There’s Tamara, who begins her story with “I grew up in the
Projects”. Oy. And then she equates being a successful designer with being a
Double Dutch champion. Double Oy. Somehow I don’t think Coco Chanel ever got on
the Double Dutch Bus.
Then we meet Eduardo … who says some words, but the only
thing I can do is purr "HOLA PAPI" as I stare into his deep brown eyes" Yep, I already have a favorite …
Then there’s Mike, who wears a hat and has “sat front row”
at many fashion shows. Dear Mike: that’s what Kelly Rowland said last season,
and you’ll notice she’s not here anymore. I’ve sat in the first booth at Arby’s
plenty of times, but that doesn’t mean I know how to make Horsey Sauce. Just
saying.
We also meet David – who is frickin’ adorable, but starts
yammering about “the return of the Greenpeace Yuppies” and “being born in space
in the 80’s but coming back to earth”. All I can think of is …
“Golnessa” is next. She wants to “bring glamour back” and
loves “old Hollywood
Speaking of RuPaul, Iman makes a Drag Race-worthy entrance
that has the children gagging on her glamour. Learn it … and LEARN IT WELL!!
Iman explains the rules and then instructs the designers to LOOK AT THE
SCREEEN! (she talks in a language all her own – in which exclamation points are
the only punctuation). The screen shows images from Iman’s long and lauded
fashion career. She has worked with the BEST (!), and now she’s working with
the REST (AKA "these biatches"!).
Challenge #1: Design an outfit for Iman. She instructs them
to consider her story! Her style! And her “bubbly and sometimes prickly
personality”! Then Iman drops the bomb: they will be working in two teams this
season! The numbers they picked backstage correspond into two “fashion houses”!
Calvin immediately burps … “Me … Calvin Tran … working with
PEOPLE. Oh here go Hell come”. I half expected him to add … “AND I GETTING FAT”!!
The teams meet to come up with names and ideas. First of
all, we have Team Nami (“Iman” backwards) which consists of all the cute Latino
guys, that front row hat dude and the 21-year-old chick.
The other team – AKA “Team Avoid Calvin After Three Clock”,
AKA “Team Island of Misfit Designers”. They decide to call themselves Emerald
Syx, which sounds like a slutty girl-band/opening act for Prince during the
1980’s.
Isaac Mizrahi makes an appearance to consult with each team,
and does his best Tim Gunn imitation. Isaac actually gives good advice and
avoids being the Mean Girl he was last season. But he does mention that he’s “terrified”
by the tension on Team Calvin. “They will hate my face!”, Calvin blurts out. Honey,
they already hate your face … and your fingers, your knees, your earlobes, etc …
The Fashiontestants go to NotMood and shop for fabric, and
then head back to NotAtlasAparments and check out their living space. It is
here that we find out that cute-but-drug-addled David (below) is “straight” (despite his outfit in this picture).
When asked how old he is by one of The Gays, David suggestively answers “30 …
with a 33 inch … … waist” and then flashes his adorable smile. DANGER!! IN THE NAME
OF JUDY GARLAND, THE GAY BOYS MUST EVACUATE!!! David is one of THOSE straight
guys … one who isn’t afraid of batting an eyelid (or taking off his shirt) when
he wants/needs something from The Gays. This syndrome is also known as “Every
guy I have ever fallen for”.
The next day in the workroom, the designers begin to work on
their designs. Front Row Mike is attempting to do an African tribal motif as a
tribute to Iman’s heritage, but then he mentions something about a noose-like rope around the neckline. I just CAN’T.
The clock hits ‘three clock’ and Calvin starts
fighting with his sewing machine. Imagine, me … Calvin Tran … working with
SINGER. Calvin also mentions he designs his garments to be multi-functional –
“skirt become a dress become a poncho become a Snuggie become a cleaning rag”.
Oh here go HELL come.
We find out that Golnessa (stripper name: ‘Golnessa The
Undressa’) and Cindy-From-Mexico are actually business partners. This, unsurprisingly,
pisses Calvin off since it's after ‘three clock’.
Cesar seems to be finished already, and is walking around
giving his team advice and helping out. Cesar is a wise Yoda, whereas Calvin is evil Darth Vader. However, Calvin does end up helping Francine, who
can’t get herself together and mentions that it’s “not easy working
under the gun like this”. I guess she thought the revamped Fashion Show would
include 7-day challenges, as opposed to the traditional 1-2 days.
The next morning arrives, and the designers prepare for the runway
CATWALK. This includes Calvin doing upside-down calisthenics and aerobic
gibberish-talking.
They proceed to the workspace and dress their models and
take them to hair and makeup. “Three clock” hits again, and Calvin and Francine get
into a huge shouting match about smoky eyes (or something). Best line? “You I
accuse, Honey”. Wait, maybe Calvin is Yoda after all. “Begun, the
Fashion War has …”
The audience and judges enter the auditorium. The judges
include Iman!, Isaac, designer Rachel Roy, and Laura Brown from Harper’s
Bazaar.
The House of Vanity 6 Emerald Syx shows first, and all I can
think of is “Oh here go HELL come”. Tamara’s model can’t walk in her dress,
Jeffrey’s model forgot to open the jacket, and Francine’s model looked like she’s
wearing something from Sex and the City circa 1996. Furthermore, they have arranged for the models to be covered in sheets,
which are ripped off before they walk down the runway. The effect is more “Let’s
Make A Deal” than “The Devil Wears Prada”.
Next up is the House of Cute Papis Plus Two (AKA “Nami”).
They use a white color palette, and their collection looks polished and fierce.
Iman and Isaac come backstage to speak to the designers and
announce the winning team. The House of Cute Papis Plus Two is the winner! Isaac
thinks they captured the spirit of the different sides of Iman – incredibly without
using exclamation points. Furthermore, Cesar Galindo produced the overall
winning look.
Next up, the House of Emerald Syx must face the judges - who didn’t think the collection was cohesive, and had some big problems with some
of the individual pieces.
Laura Brown thought Francine’s outfit looked like it came from the "Prices Reduced As Marked" rack at Strawberry.
Ouch. Tamara threw everything but the kitchen sink into her garment – making the
model look fat AND preventing her from walking. And Calvin produced something
with a jeweled neckline that even RuPaul’s girls wouldn’t wear. Not even Golnessa.
This set Calvin off into a gibberish rant directed smack dab
at the judges. Something about “whatever wind blow dat way what vision want
little screw them drape around …”.
Actually, I must apologize to Casanova. Casanova sounds like
John (“They EARN it”) Houseman compared to Calvin.
Iman isn’t having it, calling Calvin’s garment CHEAP! and declaring
it a FASHION EMERGENCY! in need of an EVACUATION! Apparently 'da bitch come out three
clock' for Iman also.
Jeffrey, Cindy, Golnessa the Undressa and Tamara are safe –
leaving Francine and Calvin. At that point, any veteran reality show watcher
knows that Francine didn’t stand a chance – Calvin will stick around to
yell at sewing machines and mangle the English language for at least another
week.
And, as expected, a bitter Francine is sent back from whence
she came. Oh here go (home) Hell come.
For my Episode #2 recap, click HERE.
.
