Project Runway Episode 5 - It's A Jungle Up In Here

On last week’s episode, Apolo “Oh Yes!” Ohno stopped by for the ‘Lympic challenge. When all was said and done, a white girl went home, Daniel whined about the challenge's lack of “high-end glamour”, and Korto won the gold medal and immunity. Read my recap here.

It’s a new day on Project Runway, and I am excited to see sexy Keith in the gym lifting weights! Then we see skinny, whiny, Daniel struggling with lady-dumbbells, and there goes my morning wood. Daniel vows not to be on the bottom this week – which is also the theme of an argument he often has with Wesley.

Next stop: the runway. Models are selected, and Heidi tells the fashiontestants they will be dressing a high-powered and glamorous professional woman. Heidi instructs them to go to the workroom and meet this mystery PowerHo.

In the workroom, Tim calls a “gather round”, and in walks Brooke Shields! Everyone is excited, except Burnout Stella – who has a completely blank look on her face. I don’t think Stella has any idea who Brooke is. Stella must have been in and out of rehab when Suddenly Susan was part of the NBC lineup. Either that, or her Methadone just kicked in.

Suede, who increasingly forgets to use his trademark 3rd-person mode of speech, tells us “I love Brooke”, not “Suede loves Brooke”. “David still hates Suede”, I say to my television. “David still wants to neck-stab Suede with a dirty fork”. Suede is losing his 3rd person like Vivian Leigh loses her southern accent during Gone with the Wind. First rule of gimmicks: stick with it – you gotta sell it, sister. Second rule of gimmicks: don’t ever use gimmicks – they are annoying.

Anywhoo, Brooke tells the designers that they will be creating a “day to evening” look for her Lipstick Jungle character – Wendy Healy. Wendy is a studio executive, a mother of two, and the wife of a hot musician. Tim then gives them the bad news: they will be working in teams of two. A collective look of stank suddenly fills everyone’s faces.

The designers will have 30 minutes to sketch – and then they will meet privately with Brooke to pitch their ideas. Brooke will select six designs – and the selected six will be the team leaders.

Everyone starts sketching, and JerHell comments that he plans on listening to the challenge this week. Good plan girl, because your “Lucy Ricardo meets Little Bo Peep at a fabric remnants sale” outfit was ridiculous last week. Although, if the challenge was to “dress Lucy Ricardo as Little Bo Peep at a fabric remnants sale”, you would have definitely won.

Also while sketching, whiny Daniel drops a bombshell: he comes from a “Middle-Eastern background”. OH NO – another Rami!!! I swear to God, Allah, and Liza Minnelli: if Daniel starts talking about how “politically complicated” things are in the Middle East while draping a pair of shorts for a lady wrestler, I’m checking out of this bitch.

After they are finished sketching, the designers meet with Brooke one-on-one. First up is Suede, and you can tell that Brooke isn’t impressed. “Brooke hates Suede”. Keith, on the other hand, is WORKING Ms. Shields, and she is eating from the palm of his sexy gay hand. Daniel whines (natch), JerHell is SASSY!™ (natch), and Kenley gets Brooke to talk about her “friends”, also known as her boobies.

Brooke has one more announcement: the winning design will actually be worn by Brooke on an upcoming episode of Lipstick Sex and the Jungle City. This really motivates Terri, who exclaims “It’s ‘bout to be a SERIOUS competition!”. I would have added “up in here!”, but “up in here” can pretty much be added to the end of anything Terri says.

Brooke announces the six designs/team leaders she likes, and then Tim lets them draw from the magic velvet bag to select partners. Here are the matchups (with the team leaders in bold):

Keith and Kenley. Sexy Keith’s ass-kissing got him selected by Brooke, but he’s a little bit concerned about Kenley headstrong attitude. He just wants Kenley to “shut up and sew” – which, not coincidentally, is one of the main tenants of his Mormon religion.

Korto and Average Joe.

Terri and Suede. “Suede loves strong black women”.

Kelli and Daniel. Even though Kelli is friendly with Stella, she selects Daniel. Daniel is not happy. Daniel is NEVER happy…

Blayne/Tango and Leanne. “I’m a little scared”, Brooke said when she selected Tango’s design that included shorts. She should be.

Last but not least, we have JerHell and Burnout Stella. Too bad the challenge isn’t “Lucy Ricardo as Little Bo Peep at the Leah-tha Bar”. They would be a shoo-in for the win.

They have $150 to spend at Mood – and the designers do the usual fabric grab and growl. Kenley, who’s obviously not a Mormon, is already bossing Keith around with fabric choices. Tim stops by and gives them a little advice about Kenley’s floral print suggestions: “keep looking”. Daniel is doing his best whiney passive-aggressive routine with Kelli. Even though this is a “high-end” challenge – Daniel is still not happy. Did I mention that Daniel is never happy? Unless he’s having sex with Wesley. And even then, only if he’s not on the bottom.

Back in the workroom, Tim announces that the winner of this challenge will not have immunity, since the winning design will be featured on network television. Daniel and Kenley, as usual, are bonding – and Kenley is hating on Keith behind Keith’s SexyBack. I am starting to dislike Kenley immensely. Some advice for Miss Kenley: things could get ugly here at DavidDust if I hate you. Just ask Evil SourFace Victorya (Project Runway – Season 4), Fugly Betty Miguel (Step it up and Dance), or Stank Tracee (Design Star – Season 2). But I will totally kiss your ass and be your bestest girlfriend if I ever meet you face-to-face. That’s how I roll…

We get some background information on Kelli – which means she’s either going to win, or she’s going home. Kelli was raised by her handicapped grandmother, who kept her on track while her parents weren’t around. Looks like you’ll be seeing Grandma soon.

You can file this information in the “No Shit, Sherlock” file: Tango “stuck out” in small-town Washington State when growing up. Shocking! Tango would stick out at a traveling freak show in San Francisco… on Halloween. During a full moon.

Now it’s time for the “Terri and Suede Show”. It’s a story of a Strong Black Woman and an Annoying Gay Man, trying to “make it work”, up in here. Suede is having trouble with the shirt/blouse, and actually says “Suede draped the top” to Miss Terri. Suede is worried and is afraid of doing anything without Terri’s guidance. Terri has pronounced Suede’s blouse as “jacked up” (in here).


As a result, Terri is TIRED of Suede (up in here!). She says that every time she checks on him, he is sporting a “look of concern”. Terri is sporting a look of “Don’t mess this shit up, queen”. Finally, Terri makes the best series of statements of the episode:

“I don’t know what he’s packing – balls or vajayjay – but he better work that out” (up in here!). “I ain’t got no babies – ain’t no one sucking on my titties” (up in here!). “He better man up” (in here!). Terri is just one “oh.no.he.di-int!” away from turning into a living, breathing, Maury episode. Finally, Terri dismisses Suede with a “just go”… This girl needs her own show on BET or one of those cable networks that white people don’t watch. Does UPN still exist?…

Suede slinks into the sewing room, and Kenley asks him “how’s the shirt?”. That’s just evil. To add insult to injury, Kenley advises Suede to get ready to defend himself to the judges. I love how Kenley gets away with being stank simply by laughing a lot. I am now taking suggestions for nicknames for her stank ass. How about “Kenley and her laughing stank ass”? Too wordy?

Tim makes a twirl through the workroom. He stops by Team Tango – and is concerned about the shorts they are making. Duh. He advises them to “dress up the short for night”, which is a little like trying to make a wool sweater for the beach. Tim is also “dubious” about Kelli and Daniel’s design.

Surprisingly, Tim likes what JerHell and Stella have come up with, and Team SASSY!™Junkie seems to be in good shape. And Tim’s approval of Terri and Suede’s shirt/blouse prompts relieved hugs from Terri. Terri states that their “hustle” paid off (up in here). Tim also has nice things to say about Keith and Kenley’s design, and he gives Kenley an “I told you so” about the floral fabric he steered them away from at Mood.

Tim visits Korto and Joe – and he has some concerns. Average Joe agrees with Tim, and states he has the exact same concerns. The only problem: Joe failed to mention these concerns to his partner Korto. This pisses Korto off, and since Terri is now happy, we are back to our quota of one angry black woman. But Korto gets the last laugh, because she reminds us that SHE has immunity – so if the judges have problems with their outfit, it will be JOE going home, not her. Up in here.

It’s now runway day, and Keith is shirtless and Tango is being cocky, saying: “it’s gonna be awesome to see my [winning] look on … that show”. He can’t seem to remember the title of Brooke Shield’s NBC drama. I don’t know what’s so hard about remembering Cashmere Jungle Lipstick Sex and the Mafia City. It’s not that difficult.

At Kelli’s insistence, Daniel is sourly cranking out a new skirt, and Kenley is talking smack behind her “buddy” Daniel’s back. “Daniel cracks me up”, Kenley says, adding that he’s always talking about “elegance”, but she “hasn’t seen it” yet. This is an absolutely accurate statement, but Kenley is still stank. I think I’ll call her “HappyStank”.

It’s time for the runway show, and six models walk down the runway. Daniel Downer hates on his own team’s design – calling it “kind of Dynasty”. Yeah?, well so was The Colbys – and that wasn’t so bad. When Team SASSY!™Junkie’s outfit comes out, Brooke gives JerHell a “have your people call my people” look. JerHell responds with a thumbs up. Stella wipes the drool from the side of her mouth and wonders why that pretty lady is making happy faces at JerHell. Drugs are bad.


They are all called back on the runway, and Heidi announces that Korto/Joe and Terri/Suede are safe. Total number of angry black women up in here: zero.

The judges likee:

Team SASSY!™Junkie (JerHell and Stella). JerHell kisses Brooke’s butt – calling her “Miss Shields”. Brooke loves the outfit, but has some belt concerns. Heidi and Michael Kors also love it. Stella continues to drool.

Team SexyHappyStank (Keith and Kenley). Michael thinks their look is “sophisticated” and Nina thinks it’s “appropriate” for Wendy Healy.

The judges no likee Team TattooGirlWhinyGay (Kelli and Daniel). Brooke calls the look “unfortunate”, and says it looks “cheap”. Michael thinks it looks “slutty, slutty, slutty”, which, coincidentally, was the theme of the Michael Kors 1992 Spring Collection. They question the “taste” of Kelli and Daniel, to which Daniel whines: “my taste is impeccable”. This prompts an inappropriate laughing fit from HappyStank Kenley, and hateful looks from Daniel.



I found this quote from the hysterical Project Rungay (which is also where I “borrowed” the screen caps):

She's damn lucky she got paired up with a polite little Mormon boy, because if Terri or Korto had to deal with her, there would have been only a bloody smear and a flower on the workroom floor to remember her by. In fact, she's the kind of girl that other girls hate on sight.

Up in here.

The judges also no likee Team TangoPlusWhiteGirl. Brooke mentions that the shorts are too casual for her glamorous television character. Ya think!?! Heidi says “she looks like a woman without a mirror” … or a skirt in her closet. Nina throws up a little in her mouth. But Tango (unlike Suede) “mans up” and says HE should go home if they have the losing look because he was the team leader. Unlike Suede, Tango does not have a vajayjay.

The designers go backstage, and the judges discuss. They basically have to decide between Kelli and her lack of taste, and Tango and his reluctance to listen. I think they should seriously consider Daniel Downer, just on general principles.

Everyone is called back to the runway, and Keith is the winner! His design will be worn on the show. This means that Kenley, JerHell, and Stella are all safe.

Leanne and Daniel are also safe, leaving Kelli and Tango. In the most predictable decision in a season full of predictable decisions, Kelli is sent home. Tango – with all his “Liciousness” and “Holla at cha boy’s” – makes for good television. But let’s not forget this: he thought he could put Brooke Shields in shorts – for evening. Holla atcha boy?!?


Next week. Oh.My.God! The drag queen challenge we’ve all been waiting for. It will feature some of my favorite NYC drag queens: Varla Jean Merman, Miss Understood, Sweetie, and the hysterical Hedda Lettuce. These bitches are vicious, and desperate for superstardom – so you can expect insane amounts of outrageousness. And lots of behind-the-scenes trips to the ladies room to “powder” noses and sip from flasks. Up in here.


Till then, bitches!!!