Project Runway Episode Four - Maybe They Said the SPECIAL Olympics?...

Last week on Project Runway: bitches got wet, Kenley won, and Emily lost. Or maybe Emily won and Kenley lost? These white girls all look alike to me. Read my recap here.

It’s morning in New York and the fashiontestants are preparing for another challenge. As they walk out of the apartment on their way to Parsons, one of the queens says “Let’s get this mess over with”. My sentiments exactly…

On the runway, Heidi begins the model selection. Kenley, as the winner last week, has immunity and has the option of swapping models. Kenley decides to stay with Shannone – which is pronounced “girl·u·so·SEXY”.

Heidi tells the designers to head downstairs and meet Tim – they will be going on another field trip. They all pile into vans and head uptown.

On the way, Korto thinks they might be headed to the “Boogie-Down Bronx”. FYI: When I first moved to NYC, they called it the “Boogie BURNT-Down Bronx”. The Bronx has improved greatly since – along with the Fire Department’s response times.

They don’t quite make it all the way to the Bronx, but end up stopping in the middle of Washington Heights – the center of New York’s Dominican population and Papi Heaven. In fact, the Dominican Day parade happens this Sunday – and I hope to be out and about amongst the shirtless Papis. Washington Heights is also where baseball player and asshat Manny Ramirez grew up, but that’s not the neighborhood’s fault.

Anywhoo, the gang stops at the Armory Track and Field Center – which is an enormous former military facility. We see someone skating around the track, and we soon find out it’s Olympic cutie Apolo Ohno.

I have always thought Apolo was absolutely adorable. That boy could butter my bagel any day of the week. He tells the fashiontestants their challenge will be to create a look for female U.S. athletes to wear at the Olympic opening ceremony. For a second I though that the winner might have their design actually used in the real Olympics, but then Tim reminds us that Ralph Lauren designed this year’s uniforms. And really, do we want to risk Stella putting Dara Torres in leah-tha? Although I wouldn’t mind seeing Michael Phelps in some assless chaps…

There is also an Olympic exhibit at the Armory which the designers can peruse for inspiration. Daniel is “stumped” – he has never watched the Olympic opening ceremony before. How gay are you?!? Daniel speculates that “someone holds a flame” and “runs around a track field”. What the fudge is a “track field”?!? Butch it up bitch - you’re making us look bad!! I guess if it’s not having sex with Wesley, Daniel isn’t interested.

Average Joe is psyched! He is straight! And the Olympics feature hot women with killer bodies! In bathing suits! And Joe has a “sportswear background”! If he could somehow incorporate Budweiser into his design, he will have found his very own Nirvana.

‘Around The Way Girl’ Terri is “into” the “Lympics”. Girlfriend loves her some “Lympics”. She gonna kick ass at this “Lympic” challenge. Pat, I’d like to buy a vowel – is there an “O”…???

Time for the Mood fabric scramble. Korto thinks white is the way to go, and even purchases some lightweight white leather. Burnout Stella will put heroin in your Fresca – be careful girl. Stella is going “cave girl” – because nothing says “summertime” like leather trimmed with fur. Keep her away from Dara Torres, PLEASE.

Hot Keith and Streetwise Terri have a little fabric dispute. Keith has taken Terri’s fabric. “Oh no he di-int”, Terri exclaims, followed by “A sista gotta keep one eye open, that’s all I’m saying”. After Project Runway, Terri will be auditioning for the part of sassy neighbor “Willona Woods” in Good Times – The Musical – appearing off-Broadway next spring.

Back in the workroom, Average Joe says (for the SECOND time): “Let the fashion games begin!”. Straight guys are SO boring. Unless they’re hot. And Dominican. Or Puerto Rican. Or Cuban. Or Brazilian. Or… well, you get the picture. Joe is none of the above.

Speaking of Joe – he is doing a “skort”, which is a combination skirt/short. OH NO!!! The minute I hear the word “skort”, I assume the fags will immediately evacuate the building. But no one runs in terror. My people have changed – and not for the better. A world in which a pack of queens can occupy the same room as a “skort” is not a world I want to live in. But then again, these bitches have put up with Stella and Tango, so they can pretty much tolerate anything

Speaking of Tango, his powers of “liciousness” are dwindling due to his lack of tanning. Earlier, Blayne tells Tim that he likes to tan every other day. Some people go to the gym, but Tango tans. OMG – Tango and I have something in common. I always tell myself I’m going to tan and THEN go to the gym, but I can only seem to get to the tanning salon. Tango is getting “weaker and weaker” with each passing day that he doesn’t tan. Tanning is like reverse kryptonite for our Gay Little Grommet.

Jennifer has decided on a camisole, skirt, and sweater for her Olympic athlete. Maybe her opening ceremony will be held in a garden. With tea and finger sandwiches. If so, she is ALL SET to win.

Average Joe is hating on the fags and their “drama”. Actually he is hating on exactly one fag and one fag hag. Daniel and Kenley won’t shut up, Kenley laughs like a hyena at a comedy club, and Daniel only cares about Daniel … and having sex with Wesley.

We find out that Keith used to be a gymnast (hot), Average Joe was a football player (not), and Korto had to get the hell out of Liberia during a Civil War or faced being raped, tortured, and/or murdered. Wow, I get depressed when I break my diet or a coworker acts like an ass...

Tim visits the fashiontestants – beginning with Average Joe. And Tim doesn’t snort at the skort – he seems to actually likee. Is this Bizarro Project Runway again?!? Daniel doesn’t want his outfit to look too much like a superhero, you know – because Olympic athletes are just normal people like you and me. Normal people who train their incredibly fit bodies into perfect shape their entire lives in preparation for a once-in-a-lifetime competition. Yep – normal, normal, normal. I bet if this challenge involved having sex with Wesley, Daniel would be a little more into it.

JerHell is creating SOMETHING – but I’m not sure what in the JerHELL it is. Tim doesn’t seem to likee. He mentions it looks “very Lucy Ricardo”, so we know JerHell is in trouble. Jennifer is also in trouble, with Tim mentioning that her look seemed “matronly”.

The workday ends, and a new day begins at the Atlas apartments. We see the obligatory shot of a shirtless Keith (yes!), followed by a shirtless Average Joe (no!). Joe will now be known as ‘Below-Average Joe’. And JerHell looks like he packed a lunch in his underpants. Either that or he is REALLY glad to see Keith with his shirt off.

Back in the workroom, the designers have one hour to get their models ready. When they show JerHell’s outfit, I let out a scream. Even Tango describes it as “Titanic” – in the ‘sinking ship’ sense of the word. “Lucy, ju got some ‘splainin’ to do!!!!!”. Combine JerHell’s Lucy Ricardo with Jennifer’s “matronly” Ethel, and we have an entire I Love Lucy episode:


On the runway, we are introduced to the Judges: Michael, Nina, and Apolo “Oh YES!” Ohno. The models do their walking.

After the show, Heidi announces that the Judges would like to speak to Average Joe, Terri, Korto, Daniel, Jennifer, and JerHell.

They likee:

Terri. She tried to put her own “spin” on the Lympics. Nina calls it smart and sharp; and Lympic gold medal winner Apolo Ohno calls it “very American”.

Average Joe. AM I THE ONLY ONE ON THE PLANET THAT THINKS WHOMEVER INVENTED THE SKORT SHOULD BE SHOT?!? Apolo likes the way Joe’s outfit shows off a women’s body, and the judges just LOVE Joe’s use of different colored zippers. He made a SKORT people – WAKE UP!!

Korto. She wanted an updated look – and succeeded. Apolo is a “big fan” of her white linen and leather look. Nina says that American athletes would “be proud” if they wore this outfit.

The judges no likee:

Daniel. He says the color is blue. Everyone else says it’s purple. Whatever – Daniel would like to get back to having sex with Wesley and is trying his hardest to go home. Michael Kors comments: “If the sport is drinking, it’s a good dress”. In that case, I’ll take one for my upcoming trip to New Orleans. I wonder if Lane Bryant has anything similar in my size…

JerHell: OK Ethel, here’s what we’ll do: First, we’ll make a ridiculous outfit that will make even the MODEL roll her eyes. And then we’ll get jobs at the Chocolate Factory to get money for REAL outfits! Don’t tell Fred.


Jennifer. She tried for a 1920’s inspiration, but there is nothing athletic about this look at all. Nina says that it seems to be difficult for Jennifer to separate her feminine/girly personal taste from the challenge. In other words: Don’t make a friggin' garden party outfit every week, biatch! The judges think it’s bland and unathletic.

The designers line up for the final judging. Below-Average Joe does above-average in this challenge and is safe. Korto is the winner, and will have immunity next week. Terri’s Lympic effort put her in second place – and she is also safe.

On the bottom, we have Jennifer’s debutante sweater set, Daniel’s purple cocktail dress, and JerHell’s Mess. And why is JerHell dressed like the Boogie Woogie Bugle Girl of Company B? However, JerHell is somehow safe. He seems as surprised as I do.

Jennifer loses the challenge and is going home. Which means Daniel will have to postpone sex with Wesley for a few more days.

Now, is Jennifer the Fashion Assassin, or the Salvador Dali chick? Or the Fashion Dolly? Maybe she’s a Salvador Assassin? All these white girls STILL look alike…




Next week: Brooke Shields, big sweet potatoes, and “slutty, slutty, slutty”! Till then bitches!!!