Thursday, January 24, 2008

Project Runway Episode Nine - "Even Designers Get The Blues"

Last night’s episode of Project Runway wasn’t Project Runway at all…it was BIZARRO Project Runway.

Let me explain. If you are a fan of Superman (or Seinfeld), you know that “Bizarro World” is a sort of alternate universe where everything is the opposite of what it is in the “real” world. What was up is now down. What was black is now white. Sucky designers are now fierce…you get the idea.

Bravo definitely gave us a peek into this alternate reality last night. The show opens with SourFace Victorya speaking to Sweet P, but calling her “Kit”. As we all know, Kit Pistol was sent packin’ after the last challenge. On Bizarro Project Runway, is Sweet P now Kit? No – SourFace is just too evil and self-centered to bother to learn anyone’s name. Plus - all white people look alike. Racist!

The other “girls” (Chris/Ricky/Rami/Christian) are sitting around their fabulous apartment thanking the Gay Gods (Cher?, Liza?) that none of them have been sent home. Formerly Jolly Gay Giant Chris viciously yells “get out” (Bizarro!) to nobody in particular – but everyone looks at Ricky. Poor "Señor Weepy" says he’s finding it hard to stay motivated while consistently being at or near the bottom each week.

On to the runway to receive the challenge. Heidi brings the action to a screeching halt with the BORING model selection. “This is a competition for you too”…zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Heidi instructs the designers that Tim will be taking them on another field trip. A collective groan of “Oy Vey!” goes up among the beleaguered designers and they reluctantly file out the door and into a van.

The van takes them over the Brooklyn Bridge and to one of the East River piers along the Brooklyn waterfront. “Really fabulous” Mango/Christian sarcastically sighs. At a Port Authority garage they meet Caroline Calvin, Senior VP of Design for Levi’s. She and Tim tell the designers that the raw materials for the next challenge are behind the door to this garage.

The door slowly opens to reveal a HUGE warehouse with various clotheslines filled with Levi’s 501 jeans and jackets. They are told that they have 3 minutes to grab as much denim as they can, which they will use to make an “iconic denim look” that captures the spirit of the Levi’s brand.

On your mark…get set…GO! The designers run to the clotheslines for the usual “grab and growl”. Ricky sets land speed records, Sweet P loses a flip flop, clothespins fly, and SourFace Victorya claims every pair of jeans on the (filthy) floor as hers.

I interrupt this recap for some questions for the producers: First of all, why did you have to take them to Brooklyn for this challenge? Is it because Brooklyn is the “Bizarro Manhattan”? And why did it have to be a huge, dirty, Port Authority warehouse? You couldn’t have strung up a clothesline or two at Parsons? Just asking.

Anyhoo - the designers and Tim return to the workroom, where Tim announces that they have only until midnight to pull this off. Let the sewing begin…

A suddenly confident Bizarro Ricky declares that working with denim is “fun”. He also states that he sometimes makes his hats out of denim…[abrubt sound of needle scratching a record]…WHY did he have to mention those God-awful hats? You had me at “fun” Ricky…and then you lost me with the hats…

Mumbles/Jillian has decided to do a coat (like the last challenge), and so is SourFace Victorya. Jillian questions the fact (mumbling to herself, or course) that SourFace is doing another coat – suggesting SourFace is trying to ride on the “coattails” (get it?!?) of Team Robot Monotone’s near win of the last challenge. “Mumble, mumble…I didn’t even know she was interested in coats…mumble, mumble.”

SourFace tells us about her mother and basically how, as a child, she would draw something, shove it in her mom’s face, and mom would race to the sewing machine and make it. Spoiled brat! I wonder if SourFace used to mistakenly call her mother “Kit” also?

Mango calls Rami a “greedy bitch” for grabbing so much denim – and Bizarro Rami just smiles and laughs it off! Where is the evil, uptight asshat from the last challenge? Remember, Rami was the one who almost drove Sweet P to suicide! Well, Bizarro Rami is as laid back and fancy-free as a surfer with a dime-bag and a can of Pringles! Dude!

Actually, Rami isn’t TOTALLY in Bizarro World. He does find it necessary to tell us (AGAIN!) that he was born and raised in Jerusalem. Jerusalem is “politically complicated” because of the three major religions that are present there. This drove him to sketching and fashion as a child. Whatever.

Rami tells us all this to show that because he’s NOT American, he can take denim (and Levi’s) in a “fashion forward” and “edgy” direction. That God (or Allah, or whatever) for Rami! What did Levi’s ever do WITHOUT him?!? Finally, Rami will be able to turn this small, unsuccessful company around…

Sweet P complains that her jeans are all dirty from the filthy warehouse floor. The two former members of Team Fierce start fighting over the best way to clean denim (of all things to catfight over!). Mango prefers a dry wipe, while Chris recommends a damp cloth. Bizarro Chris sarcastically states that “it’s so cute to see youth”, and then recommends that they give Mango his bottle and send him to bed. I kinda like Bizarro Chris…

Mango is gloating over the fact that he has immunity, because he’s not really thrilled with this basic “deconstruction” challenge. “I feel like I’m in first grade” he announces, and then proves he never matured PAST first grade by adding “Oh my God, I’m gonna die of barfness”. But Bizarro Mango is feeling “manly” and is doing a very butch trucker/motorcycle look. If that’s not the opposite of “fierce”, then I don’t know what is. Bizarro!

Then we get to Sweet P. “The P” announces that she is creating a wedding dress. Holy shit. She did NOT just say “wedding dress”, did she? A DENIM wedding dress?!? Is Stevie Nicks getting married?!? Sweet P then informs us that her Sugar Daddy husband has been supporting her financially for two years…so I guess she doesn’t give a crap if she wins or loses. Daddy is still dishing out the dough no matter what!

Mango notices how quiet it is with only seven designers remaining, but adds there are “annoying people still left”. Ricky walks into the workroom and everyone clams up. Mango starts hatin’ on Ricky (behind his back in an interview) and says that it’s a “joke” that Ricky is still here, while giving us a “blech” face. Honey, on Bizarro Project Runway, anything can happen!

Ricky chimes in with his (actually impressive) résumé – Valentino, Oscar de la Renta, and Vera Wang, where he was a VP of something (caps and crying??). Bizarro Ricky knows he’s a good designer, and is doing a corset-inspired dress that (he hopes) will show it.

Tim Gunn comes in for his usual critiquing. He calls Ricky’s dress “stunning” (Bizarro Tim likee!). Tim no likee the unfinished trim on Chris’ garment. Jillian “has a ways to go”. Tim REALLY likee Rami’s use of zippers as trim on his dress. SourFace’s trench coat dress is looking “patchworky”.

He then approaches Sweet P. “I’m making a wedding dress”, she tells him. “Uh huh”, Tim replies. “Are you scared?”, Sweet P asks. “Uh huh”, Tim confirms.

Tim is on a roll lately when describing/critiquing Sweet P’s garments. Two weeks ago she had created a “coffee filter/maxi pad”. This week he described her wedding dress as (and I'm STILL not quite sure what this means) “Happy Hands At Home Granny Circle”, while giving her this look of horror:

She’s really going to have to “make this work” to prevent going back home to Sugar Daddy this week. She decides to change the “wedding dress” idea into a short dress.

Bizarro Chris has turned into a totally bitchy queen. He starts hatin’ on Jillian for taking on such a complicated design with only a limited amount of time. Bizarro Rami is jolly, smiling, and generally have a laid-back good time. Dude!

"I am SO wasted!"

Jillian has obviously gone off the meds that keep her on an even keel, and she has turned into Bizarro Jillian. She’s not mumbling! She’s showing emotion! She’s sewing her fingers! (what?). “I’m bleeding everywhere!” she cries. “Where? I don’t see it”, Bizarro Rami replies…but stoned Rami isn’t seeing too much of anything right now. Dude! Sweet P tries to encourage Jillian to buck up and keep sewing. Ten hours of sewing, bitching, and bleeding are finally over for the evening…

It’s Runway morning back in the apartments, and Evil Bizarro Chris is suggesting an assassination plot on Nina Garcia. PLEASE MAKE THIS BIZARRO WORLD STOP!! Laid back Rami is spritzing his face with a moisturizing mist (all that weed must have really dried him out). Jillian mumbles something about making it to the final three and Bryant Park (she’s obviously back on the meds).

They head back to the workroom, and everybody dives for the glue guns. As all true Project Runway fans know – when the glue guns come out, it generally means some fuglies will be marching down the runway. Maybe it’s different on Bizarro Project Runway…??

The models arrive, and Bizarro Chris is now channeling Mango – and 'fiercing it up' backstage. Chris also hates on SourFace a little, calling her design a “jacket with stuff added on” and stating it could have been completed in two hours. What has happened to the Jolly Gay Giant??!!!???

Bizarro Ricky admires his polished design. “Gorgeous!”, he declares. “They’ll hate it, but whatever”, he adds. Bizarro Ricky couldn’t care less what the judges think! Bizarro Sweet P is “positive” she’ll be safe. Bizarro Rami is happily gluing his garment together. Dude!

Commercial break. Second showing of the “gay” Levi’s commercial (one guy pulls up pants, other guy appears in phone booth, both guys walk off together). I want to see the NEXT scene, when vodka and lube have entered the picture…but I digress…

Time for the runway show. Heidi is rockin’ a spangly little dress. Guest judge is the Levi’s Chick. Heidi announces there is no more immunity.

Chris: Look was “eh”, but he is happy with it.

Ricky: To me, it looked a little hooker-ish (but what do I know?). Ricky states that it “looked like the girl in my head”. Seriously, who the HELL is this girl he keeps talking about?!? Has he sought mental help for this?!? Is there some sort of operation in Sybil, I mean Ricky's future?!?

Sweet P: Her look was cute! Bizarro!

SourFace: Boring.

Rami: It looked very “Malibu Barbie Does Denim”. He seriously states that he has made jeans “dressier” and “more modern”. Levi’s is saved!

Jillian: Boring. She “kind of liked it”, and was “kind of happy”.

Guess who says the following: “My outfit’s pretty fierce!”? Yes, some things DON’T change, even on Bizarro Project Runway.

Everyone stays on the runway for judging. Judges like: Ricky/Mango/Sweet P/Rami. They don’t like Jillian/Chris/SourFace.

Ricky’s look is described as “cool” by Heidi. The Levi’s Chick can see his “craftsmanship”. Michael Kors LOVES the dress, and the Amy Winehouse-inspired styling (apparently the show was taped when Miss WineWarehouse was just a REGULAR drug addict, not a raging drug fiend like today). Nina Garcia describes it as “impeccable”. Bizarro!

But then the tears start flowing and we realize that some things will NEVER change. Ricky cries about the Project Runway experience being like riding a roller coaster, and how emotionally draining it is not knowing “if you suck or not”. Trust us honey, you suck.

Sweet P’s look is called “super chic” by Michael Kors, who decides the garment possesses some “voodoo” or “magic”. Nina states that “any of us girls here – except Michael – would wear it on many different occasions”. Miss Kors disagrees. “With the right shoe...” he just MIGHT wear this dress! Sweet P looks like she wants to jump off the runway and kiss the judges. Bizarro!

The judges then critique Jillian’s look. They are surprised with this disappointing effort – especially after the impeccable design she did on the last challenge. Nina thinks it’s “too complicated”, and everyone decides that it made the size zero model look fat. WTF?!?

Hatin’ Moment ahead! SourFace tries to defend her garment…blah, blah…jean jacket…blah, blah…drape…blah, blah…trench coat. The judges ain’t buying what SourFace is selling. Nina thinks it’s uninspired – and the fact that SourFace didn’t have fun with the project showed (did that lemon-sucker EVER have fun with ANYTHING?). Michael said the garment “made no sense”, but boiled down the hatin’ to this one final statement: “It looks like a party skirt got glued onto a jean jacket!” Ouch.

SourFace Victorya's Design

Time for the winner/loser:

Rami is IN. He didn’t win – and seems just fine with the results. Dude! Bizarro!

Ricky is the winner! Also, Levi’s will be selling a limited edition of his look! Time to cry, right?...........and there are NO TEARS. Just a beaming smile. TOTALLY Bizarro!

Ricky's Winning Design

Sweet P is IN.

Mango is IN (has immunity).

Bizarro Chris is IN.

What?!? Could this be?!? Either Jillian or SourFace is leaving us (my two LEAST favorite designers)!?! Here is what I wrote in my notes while contemplating this happy fact:

SourFace Victorya goes home! I am in heaven! The evil look on her face was something along the lines of “you bitches have NO IDEA about real fashion!”. Bitter! In her parting comments, Victorya states that she always tried to let her “work speak for itself”. The work DID speak, and sent you right back home to Mama. I LOVE “Bizarro Project Runway”!

Next Week: Another field trip…moans coming from behind a door…Sweet P and Mango arm wrestle (my money’s on The P)…and Michael Kors feels like “the Pope at a sex club!”. WTF?!?

Till next week bitches!


k said...

Hi David,

I'm another BlogHer (and blogger) and wanted to say your recap is awesome! Please know that Elisa has turned the whole office onto you. :)

Good stuff.

Also, is it wrong that I STILL hate Jeffrey?

Mary Ceille Allen said...

Bizarro is right! Will Ricky ever leave?

David Dust said...

k - I just wanted to thank you for all your comments - KEEP THEM COMING!

I also thank you (and Elisa!) for all the love - keep THAT coming too!

And I STILL TO THIS DAY hate Jeffrey - there ain't nothing wrong with that at all!

Beth said...

Hey my bestest girlfriend!!!!

Ricky won?!?! Bizarro is right!! But I DID like his dress...but the tears! And the gay commercial? My husband says, "...well, that was a Brokeback Moment."!!!!!!

YAY sourface is GONE!!!! woohoo!!!

oh, and Rami's dress with the zippers? Jeffrey did that in his final Bryant Park show!!! He totally stole that from Jeffrey!! It was a green and white striped dress that had zippers all over it...copycat Rami. Bad girl!

And they like "The P"!!! huh? wha? Since when did Sweet P make anything that was cute? I hate Nina...what a bitch. oooh!!

And Mango's jeans were fierce!!!

Love you David Dust!!! you're the BESTEST!!

Callen Martin said...

David - thanks for the comment on my blog. Your blog is now a regular on my check list! your recap is hysterical. The other girl in my office and i are laughing SO HARD. You are too funny! We love all the nicknames you have given the designers. I can't wait for your next recap!!!

Kathy said...

I laughed out loud reading your recap (at work)! Too darn funny....

F.U. said...

Lovin' the recap! I think we all did the two-step watching Evil V get the double kisses and a peace out from Heidi.

But is it really Bizarro to see a cry-baby who wears fugly ass homemade hats and capri pants that aren't sure wear to stop (maybe the knee or the win a challenge? Yeah...I guess it is.

See you next week!

Michele said...

Once again, your recap was totally brills... such witticisms! Ricky actually winning a challenge... BIZARRO, indeed. BTW, I so agree with you about his hats, they're ugly to the Nth degree. I'm beyond thrilled that Queen Victorya/SourFace is gone!! Until next week... XOXO.

Kristen Painter said...

Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog! Your recap is a lot snarkier than mine, but fun!

Check ya out next week.

the fashion mafia said...

"Plus - all white people look alike."
I am rolling on the floor laughing!!!
Thanks for the comment on our page.. we'll link ya!

Menky said...

Love your post! Bizarro Ricky is a perfect name for him!

Check out my Project Runway recap below..

Bina said...

You are so funny! I may have to become a regular here, and may I say I especially like your interests? Big Men Latino Men Big Latino Men! We think alike! LOL

David Dust said...

bina - you know what they say about "great minds"...or was that dirty minds??

See the Daddy of the Day for today - talk about Big Latino Men!


Marcus said...

I only wish there was Project Runway kryptonite I could hurl at Ricky.

Jennie said...

Sweet Baby Jesus, Ricky won??? Stick up her ass Victorya is gone???? I am so glad I tivo'd this one. And yes, the Daddy of the Day is yummy.

Maybe they should let you pick next season's models. That whole model schtick would be much more interesting with hot guys.

HOO said...

Just discovered your blog via fafa--christian=mango=spot on! You do some serious blogging, brother!

Candy said...

As David's mama, I think my son is nothing short of GENIUS!!! Really -- this recap was your best yet -- keep up the good work.

The Jerc said...

Hahaha, I l-o-v-e that you called Rami an "asshat."

Totally thrilled that Sourface is gone. But should Ricky have won with his Amy Winehouse hooker look? I say no, no, no...

Great post! Until next week :)

cb said...

oh, fabulous! recap! I LOVE that photo of chill, stoned Rami!

SO happy i found your blog!

Admiral Freckles said...

hi David -

why do you call sister Christian Mango?

David Dust said...

Party's over everybody - Mom's here!!!!

Elizabeth Kerri Mahon said...

David, they just love making Chris have to run a 10K to get fabric. And since they've already done the Bryant Park 10K, they've moved it to Brooklyn for this episode!

Meeg said...

This episode was hella crazy.

The whole time it was obvious Ricky was going to win and then I thought it was annoying how the judges encouraged his crying. Whatever, it just seemed kind of staged. I actually liked Mango's outfit better than his. Sweet P's dress was hot too, but I guess she couldn't win since Levi lady said it didn't fit the brand's style.

I was psyched about Victorya's offing too. She totally sold herself down the river when she first opened her mouth to the judges and told them how she made her denim jacket out of a jean jacket. Jillian's breakdown about "bleeding everywhere" was classic too.

Am I the only one who thinks Rami talking about his background is uber pretentious? He's like "oh I'm for Jerusalem. I won't bore you with the details but there are people there from three different religions", I mean maybe everyone who watches project runway doesnt read the Economist but please. Then he was talking about modernising jeans as if they were something that like only prospecters wore during the gold rush or something. Watch yourself, Rami!

MrsCrabCalzone said...

I lol at all your recaps. Great job!

Thanks for the comments on my blog too!

Alex said...

You know what, David... tha V. you hate sooooo much is going to be at NY Fashion Week any way... eat that with pleasure!!! Yor are another victim of the editing!!!

Anonymous said...

I think you need to get your bizarro head checked. Ricks dress was beautiful and quite frankly the only wearable one out there. I think you all need to step off. Ricky IS talented and we need to remember thast this is TELEVISION and that editing cips etc. makes for good TV. Give the man a break!

David Dust said...

I have actual HATERS ya'll!! I have finally arrived! Welcome "anonymous" and alex. But you better be careful - my mother reads this and she WILL attack! If you think I'm mean :) ....

Love ya Mom!

TheQuietOne said...

LOL - my favorite part was... well, the whole thing. :)

Anonymous said...

This was the best frickin recap of ANYTHING ever in history!!! :D

Rachel said...

very funny!just stumbled upon your blog...I'm another PR fan(atic) here too!

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