Project Runway - Episode Six - "Eye Candy"

After a two-week hiatus, Project Runway finally returned with a tried and true challenge – making the designers create outfits out of weird shit. The weird shit, in this case, was stuff from the Times Square Hershey’s Store.

The show opened with some REAL eye candy – straight boy Leonidas Fatone (Kevin) with his shirt off. With Jack gone, the role of “Shirtless Beefcake” has apparently gone to Kevin. If Kevin is eliminated, I don’t even want to THINK about who would be next – Chris…?...Christian?... Sweet P??!?? Scary.

The designers are sitting around talking about the departed Steven. And finally someone has the balls to be honest – this person happens to be Mango (Christian). That bitch DOES NOT PLAY. He isn't sad one single bit that weirdo Steven is gone, and proceeds to talk shit about the ugly “French Maid at a Funeral” dress that got Steven eliminated. Mango’s honesty is refreshing, although completely evil.

On to the runway to pick models. Mango selects first (since he won the last challenge), and he picks Lee – the same model Ricky and Jack have been fighting over all season. Who IS this bitch – Helen of Troy?? Is she made of gold or something?? Whatevs - Mango likee, so Mango takee. Like I said – that bitch DOES NOT PLAY!

Heidi informs the designers that Tim will be taking them on a field trip very early the next morning. They will learn about their challenge at that time. Even if you are only a minor fan of the show, you already KNOW they’re going to the Hershey Store – so this whole process was unnecessary and anticlimactic.

It’s 6:00 am the next day, and Tim Gunn is making his wake-up rounds. Now mind you, these bitches HAVE BEEN TOLD they would have to be up early. Then why does every last one of them look like they just went to bed 15 minutes ago after having consumed a ½ gallon of Popov Vodka??!?? The first to be awakened is Kit “Pistol”, sans bra and even a hint of makeup. OH MY GOD – she looks like HELL! I think Kit Pistol and Yosemite Sam were out huntin’ varmints all night! That Pistol needs some maintenance.

They all proceed to get dressed, and Mango puts himself together, head-to-toe, in minutes. Mango may be a little sleepy, but Mango isn’t going out the door until Mango’s happy with his total look. Again – that bitch DOES NOT PLAY. Ricky is rocking a NEW hat – this time it’s a white Confederate soldier cap with a black brim. “…Oh I wish I was in the land of cotton…”

But the award for most ridiculous outfit on a Project Runway designer goes to…Jillian! That bitch put on Mork and Mindy suspenders!!! For you children too young to remember Mork and Mindy – here’s a picture:

Even Robin Williams has stayed away from those suspenders for 30 years!!! “Nanoo Nanoo” Jillian!

Note to producers: I know you’re always looking for ideas for new challenges. Here’s one: have the designers create some outfits for Jillian – she REALLY could use a new look.

Tim walks them to the Hershey Store, where they FINALLY find out about their challenge (they’re always the last to know). The designers are introduced to Michelle from Hershey’s – who welcomes them to “the sweetest place in New York City”. Michelle has one of those German-sounding last names like all the people I grew up with in Central Pennsylvania – so I’m guessing she’s a transfer from Hersheypark.

They have no set budget, just five minutes to “grab and growl” anything in the store. Mango, of course, is pissed off about the stupid challenge. When is Mango actually going to LIKE a challenge? Probably not until the challenge is: “make something fierce!”. BTW – Mango didn’t utter the word “fierce” once last night – our little elf is growing up!

And they’re off! Mango grabs Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Jillian is grabbing Twizzlers, and Chris is grabbing everything EXCEPT food (I guess he’s on a diet). Actually, Chris says he is all too familiar with the hardships of using food as material for an outfit, so he is staying FAR away. After all, this is the guy who can make drag queen pageant dresses out of salad bar items – so he should know.

Back to the workroom they go – and at first the designers are all play and no work. Chris is hugging a giant Hershey Syrup bottle and pretending to be Pippi Longstocking, Kit’s handing out candy like it’s Trick or Treat night, and Leonidas Fatone is catching candy in his mouth like a trained seal. Considering these freaks must finish TONIGHT, they better get moving!

Always the gentle lesbian, Sweet P starts slicing open cute Teddy Bears and smashing pottery for her design. Mango has opened “at least a thousand” Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (“I tried to count, but I got dizzy”) for the brown wrappers, and now he feels “so dirty”. Chris is doing a Stephen Sprouse inspired print dress and tells us AGAIN to stay away from using food. Now I’m not one to talk, but this must be the ONLY time Chris has stayed away from anything that said “Hershey” on it.

Then we have a bizarre Elisa moment. Our wacky marionette designer is trying to create a “fairytale-esque type thing” that would be appropriate for her daughter. She is thinking along the lines of Gretel from the Hansel and Gretel story. Elisa then proceeds to give us a little more background information on her life. Gather round kiddies, while crazy Elisa tells you the story of a puppeteer who got pummeled by a Porsche in London, then went into a coma for four days, and hasn’t quite been the same since. She says Project Runway is a way for her to “reclaim her life” after this horrible accident. Whatevs, weirdo!

Straight boy Kevin is designing…wait for it…a halter/corset top with a pencil skirt and a Bolero jacket. Which is naturally what every straight man would design if given a similar challenge. Duh!

After the “dirty” job of opening all those Peanut Butter cups, Mango is now pretty much finished, and is walking around the work room giving everyone Tim Gunn style critiques of their work. Smell her! Ricky and Kevin don’t seem to welcome Mango’s “help”. In fact, Kevin vows to gay bash Mango before the end of the show (not really, but you get the idea). Sweet P, on the other hand, can use all the help she can get, and welcomes Sister Christian’s suggestions. In fact, Sweet P decides to completely start over.

My favorite Mango critique, however, is “Elisa...where is that sleeve going?”. Maybe if Elisa hadn’t been in that coma, she would have known to answer with “I can tell you where I’d LIKE that sleeve to be going”. But unfortunately she’s too much of a space cadet and/or a lady to recognize the opportunity.

The REAL Tim Gunn enters to workroom for some real critiquing. Tim no likee Victorya’s outfit – but Tim likee Rami’s. And Tim is concerned about how much time it’s taking Jillian to make all those Twizzlers into a garment.

Then Tim gets to Sweet P and says the funniest shit he’s EVER said in the workroom, while seriously trying to be helpful. Sweet P shows him her new skirt, and Tim says, with a look of TOTAL concern, “it looks like a coffee filter, or a maxi pad”. OMG!!! I seriously screamed so loud that my cats ran in terror. This does NOT bode well for Miss P. A coffee filter or a maxi pad??!!?? I had NO IDEA those two items were interchangeable...I'll have to remember that.

The night is winding down, and most of the designers are wrapping it up (ba-dum-bum!). Everyone except Jillian, who is “terrified” that her whole Twizzlers idea is going to crash and burn. However, when she states she’s “terrified”, it sounds like she’s taken 15 Valiums with a Xanax chaser – so it’s hard to detect the actual terror. I guess it’s just a very mild terror.

It’s now day #2 – runway day. As the designers enter the workroom, Mango accurately declares “It’s a Tranny MESS up in here!”. They have 2 hours to get everything together and get their outfits onto the runway.

Jillian is "pulling a Ricky" and has her MODEL sewing Twizzlers, Mango is declaring everyone else’s outfits are "hideous", and Chris has the balls to question Sweet P’s taste level. This from a designer that produced a “Minnie Mouse as a New Jersey Hooker” outfit for his big “comeback”. Miss P is DEFINITELY in trouble. Elisa is also in trouble with her “hot mess” (per Mango) of a Gretel garment.

It’s Runway time! Heidi is rockin’ a cute red dress, and informs the designers that all of the looks will be auctioned off for charity. FYI – I would like to be the first to bid on the coffee filter/maxi pad. She introduces fashion designer Zac Posen as the guest judge.

The models do their thing, and everything goes as expected – some of the outfits are hits, some are misses, and Elisa’s is truly a HOT MESS. Finally, Victorya’s model comes down the runway doing a really bizarre walk. She looked like she was taking a field sobriety test – arms out to the side and walking a precise, straight line – with a stick up her ass. Apparently Victorya wanted her model to look like an “Ice Princess”, and she thought this was the way to do it.

Kit, Kevin, Ricky, and Mango are safe – and Mango looks pissed that he didn’t win, as usual. Jillian, Rami, Victorya, Sweet P, Chris, and Elisa remain.

The judges like Rami, Jillian, and Chris – they hate Victorya, Sweet P, and Elisa.

Victorya informs the judges that she was going for an “Ice Princess” look – they tell her the outfit looks like a “Dairy Queen” instead. Ouch! Sweet P’s coffee filter/maxi pad is “boring” and “sad”, and they wonder if her first outfit would have been better. But then we have the "Hatin’ Moment"…

When Michael Kors says Elisa’s outfit looks like a “brown velvet dress from a flea market” with “two silver shower caps on her arms”, you get the feeling that our peculiar puppeteer may not be with us much longer. Nina chimes in with a “disappointing” for good measure. Not looking good…

Elisa's "Hot Mess"

The judges do their thing and bring everyone back to the runway. Chris is safe, Jillian is safe and Rami is the winner! Rami also has immunity for the next challenge. Jillian seems pissed that all her Twizzler wrangling didn’t get her the win. They also announce that “Dairy Queen” Victorya is in.

Rami's Winning Design

That leaves Sweet P with her coffee filter/maxi pad and Elisa with her sad 'Gretel on Acid' dress…

Sweet P is safe, and Elisa goes home. Elisa, still speaking like a “dancer on pot”, says she feels “fortified” by the whole Project Runway experience and – regarding her fellow designers – “they were the TRUE judges”. Honey, if THEY were the judges, you would have been sent home after that first spit mark. Buh-Bye Crazy!!

Next week – Mango “wants to cry”, Ricky cries AGAIN, and Jillian whispers like a Xanaxed maniac. See ya next Wednesday!