Friday, August 15, 2008

Project Runway Episode 5 - It's A Jungle Up In Here

On last week’s episode, Apolo “Oh Yes!” Ohno stopped by for the ‘Lympic challenge. When all was said and done, a white girl went home, Daniel whined about the challenge's lack of “high-end glamour”, and Korto won the gold medal and immunity. Read my recap here.

It’s a new day on Project Runway, and I am excited to see sexy Keith in the gym lifting weights! Then we see skinny, whiny, Daniel struggling with lady-dumbbells, and there goes my morning wood. Daniel vows not to be on the bottom this week – which is also the theme of an argument he often has with Wesley.

Next stop: the runway. Models are selected, and Heidi tells the fashiontestants they will be dressing a high-powered and glamorous professional woman. Heidi instructs them to go to the workroom and meet this mystery PowerHo.

In the workroom, Tim calls a “gather round”, and in walks Brooke Shields! Everyone is excited, except Burnout Stella – who has a completely blank look on her face. I don’t think Stella has any idea who Brooke is. Stella must have been in and out of rehab when Suddenly Susan was part of the NBC lineup. Either that, or her Methadone just kicked in.

Suede, who increasingly forgets to use his trademark 3rd-person mode of speech, tells us “I love Brooke”, not “Suede loves Brooke”. “David still hates Suede”, I say to my television. “David still wants to neck-stab Suede with a dirty fork”. Suede is losing his 3rd person like Vivian Leigh loses her southern accent during Gone with the Wind. First rule of gimmicks: stick with it – you gotta sell it, sister. Second rule of gimmicks: don’t ever use gimmicks – they are annoying.

Anywhoo, Brooke tells the designers that they will be creating a “day to evening” look for her Lipstick Jungle character – Wendy Healy. Wendy is a studio executive, a mother of two, and the wife of a hot musician. Tim then gives them the bad news: they will be working in teams of two. A collective look of stank suddenly fills everyone’s faces.

The designers will have 30 minutes to sketch – and then they will meet privately with Brooke to pitch their ideas. Brooke will select six designs – and the selected six will be the team leaders.

Everyone starts sketching, and JerHell comments that he plans on listening to the challenge this week. Good plan girl, because your “Lucy Ricardo meets Little Bo Peep at a fabric remnants sale” outfit was ridiculous last week. Although, if the challenge was to “dress Lucy Ricardo as Little Bo Peep at a fabric remnants sale”, you would have definitely won.

Also while sketching, whiny Daniel drops a bombshell: he comes from a “Middle-Eastern background”. OH NO – another Rami!!! I swear to God, Allah, and Liza Minnelli: if Daniel starts talking about how “politically complicated” things are in the Middle East while draping a pair of shorts for a lady wrestler, I’m checking out of this bitch.

After they are finished sketching, the designers meet with Brooke one-on-one. First up is Suede, and you can tell that Brooke isn’t impressed. “Brooke hates Suede”. Keith, on the other hand, is WORKING Ms. Shields, and she is eating from the palm of his sexy gay hand. Daniel whines (natch), JerHell is SASSY!™ (natch), and Kenley gets Brooke to talk about her “friends”, also known as her boobies.

Brooke has one more announcement: the winning design will actually be worn by Brooke on an upcoming episode of Lipstick Sex and the Jungle City. This really motivates Terri, who exclaims “It’s ‘bout to be a SERIOUS competition!”. I would have added “up in here!”, but “up in here” can pretty much be added to the end of anything Terri says.

Brooke announces the six designs/team leaders she likes, and then Tim lets them draw from the magic velvet bag to select partners. Here are the matchups (with the team leaders in bold):

Keith and Kenley. Sexy Keith’s ass-kissing got him selected by Brooke, but he’s a little bit concerned about Kenley headstrong attitude. He just wants Kenley to “shut up and sew” – which, not coincidentally, is one of the main tenants of his Mormon religion.

Korto and Average Joe.

Terri and Suede. “Suede loves strong black women”.

Kelli and Daniel. Even though Kelli is friendly with Stella, she selects Daniel. Daniel is not happy. Daniel is NEVER happy…

Blayne/Tango and Leanne. “I’m a little scared”, Brooke said when she selected Tango’s design that included shorts. She should be.

Last but not least, we have JerHell and Burnout Stella. Too bad the challenge isn’t “Lucy Ricardo as Little Bo Peep at the Leah-tha Bar”. They would be a shoo-in for the win.

They have $150 to spend at Mood – and the designers do the usual fabric grab and growl. Kenley, who’s obviously not a Mormon, is already bossing Keith around with fabric choices. Tim stops by and gives them a little advice about Kenley’s floral print suggestions: “keep looking”. Daniel is doing his best whiney passive-aggressive routine with Kelli. Even though this is a “high-end” challenge – Daniel is still not happy. Did I mention that Daniel is never happy? Unless he’s having sex with Wesley. And even then, only if he’s not on the bottom.

Back in the workroom, Tim announces that the winner of this challenge will not have immunity, since the winning design will be featured on network television. Daniel and Kenley, as usual, are bonding – and Kenley is hating on Keith behind Keith’s SexyBack. I am starting to dislike Kenley immensely. Some advice for Miss Kenley: things could get ugly here at DavidDust if I hate you. Just ask Evil SourFace Victorya (Project Runway – Season 4), Fugly Betty Miguel (Step it up and Dance), or Stank Tracee (Design Star – Season 2). But I will totally kiss your ass and be your bestest girlfriend if I ever meet you face-to-face. That’s how I roll…

We get some background information on Kelli – which means she’s either going to win, or she’s going home. Kelli was raised by her handicapped grandmother, who kept her on track while her parents weren’t around. Looks like you’ll be seeing Grandma soon.

You can file this information in the “No Shit, Sherlock” file: Tango “stuck out” in small-town Washington State when growing up. Shocking! Tango would stick out at a traveling freak show in San Francisco… on Halloween. During a full moon.

Now it’s time for the “Terri and Suede Show”. It’s a story of a Strong Black Woman and an Annoying Gay Man, trying to “make it work”, up in here. Suede is having trouble with the shirt/blouse, and actually says “Suede draped the top” to Miss Terri. Suede is worried and is afraid of doing anything without Terri’s guidance. Terri has pronounced Suede’s blouse as “jacked up” (in here).

As a result, Terri is TIRED of Suede (up in here!). She says that every time she checks on him, he is sporting a “look of concern”. Terri is sporting a look of “Don’t mess this shit up, queen”. Finally, Terri makes the best series of statements of the episode:

“I don’t know what he’s packing – balls or vajayjay – but he better work that out” (up in here!). “I ain’t got no babies – ain’t no one sucking on my titties” (up in here!). “He better man up” (in here!). Terri is just one “!” away from turning into a living, breathing, Maury episode. Finally, Terri dismisses Suede with a “just go”… This girl needs her own show on BET or one of those cable networks that white people don’t watch. Does UPN still exist?…

Suede slinks into the sewing room, and Kenley asks him “how’s the shirt?”. That’s just evil. To add insult to injury, Kenley advises Suede to get ready to defend himself to the judges. I love how Kenley gets away with being stank simply by laughing a lot. I am now taking suggestions for nicknames for her stank ass. How about “Kenley and her laughing stank ass”? Too wordy?

Tim makes a twirl through the workroom. He stops by Team Tango – and is concerned about the shorts they are making. Duh. He advises them to “dress up the short for night”, which is a little like trying to make a wool sweater for the beach. Tim is also “dubious” about Kelli and Daniel’s design.

Surprisingly, Tim likes what JerHell and Stella have come up with, and Team SASSY!™Junkie seems to be in good shape. And Tim’s approval of Terri and Suede’s shirt/blouse prompts relieved hugs from Terri. Terri states that their “hustle” paid off (up in here). Tim also has nice things to say about Keith and Kenley’s design, and he gives Kenley an “I told you so” about the floral fabric he steered them away from at Mood.

Tim visits Korto and Joe – and he has some concerns. Average Joe agrees with Tim, and states he has the exact same concerns. The only problem: Joe failed to mention these concerns to his partner Korto. This pisses Korto off, and since Terri is now happy, we are back to our quota of one angry black woman. But Korto gets the last laugh, because she reminds us that SHE has immunity – so if the judges have problems with their outfit, it will be JOE going home, not her. Up in here.

It’s now runway day, and Keith is shirtless and Tango is being cocky, saying: “it’s gonna be awesome to see my [winning] look on … that show”. He can’t seem to remember the title of Brooke Shield’s NBC drama. I don’t know what’s so hard about remembering Cashmere Jungle Lipstick Sex and the Mafia City. It’s not that difficult.

At Kelli’s insistence, Daniel is sourly cranking out a new skirt, and Kenley is talking smack behind her “buddy” Daniel’s back. “Daniel cracks me up”, Kenley says, adding that he’s always talking about “elegance”, but she “hasn’t seen it” yet. This is an absolutely accurate statement, but Kenley is still stank. I think I’ll call her “HappyStank”.

It’s time for the runway show, and six models walk down the runway. Daniel Downer hates on his own team’s design – calling it “kind of Dynasty”. Yeah?, well so was The Colbys – and that wasn’t so bad. When Team SASSY!™Junkie’s outfit comes out, Brooke gives JerHell a “have your people call my people” look. JerHell responds with a thumbs up. Stella wipes the drool from the side of her mouth and wonders why that pretty lady is making happy faces at JerHell. Drugs are bad.

They are all called back on the runway, and Heidi announces that Korto/Joe and Terri/Suede are safe. Total number of angry black women up in here: zero.

The judges likee:

Team SASSY!™Junkie (JerHell and Stella). JerHell kisses Brooke’s butt – calling her “Miss Shields”. Brooke loves the outfit, but has some belt concerns. Heidi and Michael Kors also love it. Stella continues to drool.

Team SexyHappyStank (Keith and Kenley). Michael thinks their look is “sophisticated” and Nina thinks it’s “appropriate” for Wendy Healy.

The judges no likee Team TattooGirlWhinyGay (Kelli and Daniel). Brooke calls the look “unfortunate”, and says it looks “cheap”. Michael thinks it looks “slutty, slutty, slutty”, which, coincidentally, was the theme of the Michael Kors 1992 Spring Collection. They question the “taste” of Kelli and Daniel, to which Daniel whines: “my taste is impeccable”. This prompts an inappropriate laughing fit from HappyStank Kenley, and hateful looks from Daniel.

I found this quote from the hysterical Project Rungay (which is also where I “borrowed” the screen caps):

She's damn lucky she got paired up with a polite little Mormon boy, because if Terri or Korto had to deal with her, there would have been only a bloody smear and a flower on the workroom floor to remember her by. In fact, she's the kind of girl that other girls hate on sight.
Up in here.

The judges also no likee Team TangoPlusWhiteGirl. Brooke mentions that the shorts are too casual for her glamorous television character. Ya think!?! Heidi says “she looks like a woman without a mirror” … or a skirt in her closet. Nina throws up a little in her mouth. But Tango (unlike Suede) “mans up” and says HE should go home if they have the losing look because he was the team leader. Unlike Suede, Tango does not have a vajayjay.

The designers go backstage, and the judges discuss. They basically have to decide between Kelli and her lack of taste, and Tango and his reluctance to listen. I think they should seriously consider Daniel Downer, just on general principles.

Everyone is called back to the runway, and Keith is the winner! His design will be worn on the show. This means that Kenley, JerHell, and Stella are all safe.

Leanne and Daniel are also safe, leaving Kelli and Tango. In the most predictable decision in a season full of predictable decisions, Kelli is sent home. Tango – with all his “Liciousness” and “Holla at cha boy’s” – makes for good television. But let’s not forget this: he thought he could put Brooke Shields in shorts – for evening. Holla atcha boy?!?

Next week. Oh.My.God! The drag queen challenge we’ve all been waiting for. It will feature some of my favorite NYC drag queens: Varla Jean Merman, Miss Understood, Sweetie, and the hysterical Hedda Lettuce. These bitches are vicious, and desperate for superstardom – so you can expect insane amounts of outrageousness. And lots of behind-the-scenes trips to the ladies room to “powder” noses and sip from flasks. Up in here.

Till then, bitches!!!


Tivo Mom said...

Finally, finally I have been waiting for this for two days. Daniel should have gone home just because he is so miserable. I am getting a little bored with the show and that upsets me. God do I sound like Daniel whining? At least Chris is back next week. Thanks for the smile today I needed it. Sorry that you have been so busy.

Anonymous said...

'In fact, she's the kind of girl that other girls hate on sight.'

As a girl, I agree with this 100%. Kenley has always struck me as a real bitch, and now her true colors are starting to come out. Not that I don't somewhat agree with her - Daniel hardly has 'impeccable taste' - but that's besides the point.

Great recap, as always!

Timmy said...

“I don’t know what he’s packing – balls or vajayjay – but he better work that out” (up in here!). “I ain’t got no babies – ain’t no one sucking on my titties” (up in here!). “He better man up” (in here!). Terri is just one “!” away from turning into a living, breathing, Maury episode.

OMG David Dust! Where do you come up with this stuff? LOL

a-nony-mouse said...

Read on Tim's Take on Bravo that Suede made that blouse while Terri worked on the pants. The blouse that MADE the look.
I worry about Daniel.
And CHRIS, beloved CHRIS, back next week. Bravo needs to come up with a show for him. I'd so promise to support every sponsor for life!

elise - All Or Nothing said...

Awesome recap, as always! I HATE (read: H.A.T.E.) Kenley. If I would have been on that runway DURING JUDGING and she started laughing at me like that? She would have been the recipient of a nice little smack. You'll notice she never laughs like that at Terri. Bitch'll cut her fo'sho'.

My recap is here

Howard said...

Great recap, but I also have to say I have never laughed so hard at the actual show as I did last night. Terri needs to stay through the finals. I luv her.

I was a bit hurt you continue to pick on my beloved Rami, but will get over it, especially when I finish posting and I pull up a screen cap of him in a towel.

I was glad Daniel was not sent packing, because I want to see him get into a bitchfight with the Stank That Laughed. That would be great TV.

Now I don't want to be a self-hating gay or anything, but how can a show that can possible question Daniel's taste level [which might very well need to be questioned] have a drag challenge?I am just askin', y'all.

Mom2fur said...

Great recap, as usual! You always crack me up.
Kenley reminds me of the snotty girls in that movie "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion." She really is annoying.

shirlsd said...

ahhh .... much better! thanks for my dust-fix!!! wonderful recap and so worth the wait. hugs, chuckles, tears of joy, and kisses! enjoy your weekend!

Joy said...

Some of your funniest material yet! So much that I can't even quote it all! I thought JerHell's outfit was the worst last week and love the way you described it.

Kenley tries to look like Betty Page. I don't remember Betty Page but have seen photos and the movie. I do not like Kenley whoever she tries to look like.

Whiny Daniel with no taste must go. Who knew Stella wouldn't be tne most annoying one?

Anonymous said...

Why only attacks at Kenley?
I thought Kortko & Terri were monumental bullies and bitches to Suede & Joe.
Horrible, domineering, and unwilling to work WITH their partners.

David Dust said...

Dear Anonymous Kenley-lover:

Because I have almost decided that Kenley is going to be the stank bitch of the season. Let's just say I was taking "HappyStank" out for a test drive.

If Kenley proves to be as stank as I suspect she is, this is only the beginning.

You can reference my Top Chef recap entitled "Lisa Is A Stank Bitch" for a preview...


Anonymous said...

I've been waiting all week for your recap. I started reading them two weeks ago and it's the highlight of my week! (I clearly lead a dull life ...)

Anyways, I liked Kenley at the first of the season b/c she has that 40's look going on with her hair and makeup, but she too has begun to seriously get on my nerves. She's turning out to be just like the girls that hated on me b/c I could never equal their so called "coolness." I ready for her to really screw up and get booted off. Next weeks challenge seems so far out of what she considers her stylistic zone that I'm hoping she is done in.

I too and really liking Terri at the moment. David and Korto get on my nerves simply because they are pulling the "different ethnicity" and "I had a horrible childhood poor me + ethnicity" card respectively. I feel for them, I really do - but what on earth does that have to do with whether they can design good clothes or not?

chef_the_city said...

funniest quote o the year:
"You can file this information in the 'No Shit, Sherlock' file: Tango 'stuck out' in small-town Washington State when growing up. Shocking! Tango would stick out at a traveling freak show in San Francisco… on Halloween. During a full moon."

kenley is sorta a hyena. i loves her, but sheesh... she's a bit much.

tango's look was more appropriate for gossip girl than lipstick jungle... and who are they kidding? that's not a good reward for winning: no one watches that show!

david, sir... you rock! ^_^

Joy said...

What happened to this:
Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Presidency
This is hysterical.
1 hour ago

It showed up on my blog list as your newest post. I came over here and gone! Nada! Nowhere to be seen! I want to read it.

JenM said...

Shirlsd (west coast dust bunny) you were right, this recap was worth waiting for. I love the line, "Tango would stick out at a traveling freak show in San Francisco… on Halloween. During a full moon."

David Dust ROCKS!

My suggestion: Stankley

Joy said...

And what was that outfit JerHell was wearing? The sringy sleeveless jacket with a dress underneath? It was bizarre.

David Dust said...

I LOVE "Stankley"!!!!!!!!!!

Darling Joy, I'll send you the link. It's a Youtube video that I tried to post A WEEK AGO, and Youtube JUST NOW posted it to my blog. Weird. Anywhoo, it's still funny, but I didn't want it posted right after my PR recap.

Here's the link:


Kevin said...

I LOVED Kenley at first. I thought she was a sassy little lady and I loved the Betty Page vibe she has goin' on. I still love the BP vibe...and I still love her...because I am a sassy little gay...but yikes, girl. Yikes.

Anthea said...

I am so excited for next week's episode!! Love your recaps as always. I really thought Jerrell and Stella should have won they worked together the best and I loved their look.

Leonardo D'Cato said...

I love this recap! I love your names for the teams. They're just hilarious! I wouldn't mind being in Team SexyHappyStank, minus the HappyStank. I really hate Daniel, he is so freaking annoying! Can't he just get kicked out already? Daniel Downer - genius! Can't wait for your next recap. =)

Joy said...

I posted some Kenley, Bettie Page, and Veronica (from Archie comics) photos on my blog. The resemblance is even stronger than I originally thought! Kenley really has that vibe going on.

Thanks for the link, Bunny Leader!

Anonymous said...

You are beyond clever. Love your recaps.

Chris said...

More terric work, thanks for doing these and making me laugh.

I actually have a little crush on Leanne.

Beth said...

FINALLY!! We've got to get you some internet...up in here! I missed the show this week cuz of the funeral, and have been checking into Bravo a million times a day to catch a re-run. I get up at 8:30 this morning, and low and behold..Project Runway!! I only got to see the last part where they were trying to defend their designs(up in here)...and thought for sure "Bratty" Tango was goin home. But, my homegirl Kelli left us.

I think Whiney Daniel should have gone, myself....what a whiner. He's definately packing a va-jayjay.

And I always thought Brooke Shields was supposed to be NICE!!?? She was kinda bitchy...maybe it was just her character, huh? ;)

And I cannot WAIT to see Chris next week! Now he's one who should have his own show!!!!

love ya Tranny!!

Psychomom said...

I love that all the skanky bitches have balls this season and the gay bitches have vajayjays. Fashion is crazy mixed up entertainment and that Michael Kors, well he knows slutty, slutty, slutty!

Great recap as usual bitches (up in here!)

Timmy said...

chef_the_city: I watch Lipstick Jungle only because of Robert Buckley. He is yummy-licious!

Anonymous said...

Kenley needs to go away. Soon. I liked her in the beginning, but damn, she is a bitch.

Can't wait for Chris! YAY!

theminx said...

"Michael thinks it looks “slutty, slutty, slutty”, which, coincidentally, was the theme of the Michael Kors 1992 Spring Collection" - that made me laugh out loud for some reason.

You forgot to mention Moana Lisa in your advice for Miss Kenley. :)

My recap is here.

mistress maddie said...

This was the most entertaining episode yet,although I don't think it will top next weeks! Your right girl,those queens will rip them ho's apart if they end up in something hidious!

Howard- I agree with you also.I just LOVE Terri and she should go to the finals.She's funny and her designs are actually very chic and fashionable.

Mark in DE said...

This recap made me LOL - more than once! You have definitely found your calling, dear David. Great job!

Mark :-)

mikeinbama said...

I loved the RECAP! You're so dead on regarding Keenly.

I had to keep rewinding Terri's quote because I was laughing so hard. I love her.

Keith is my new reality TV crush.

I can't wait for next weeks show. It's going to be histerical.

Anonymous said...

I'm officially suggesting Dita Von Stank for Kenley's nickname.

mikeinbama said...

David, you're funny as hell....UP IN HERE!

Cliff O'Neill said...

“Up in here” can pretty much be added to the end of anything Terri says.

Totally cracked me up! I'm so lovin' my TerriPants! I need to go up the street and start stalking her!

Also, I learned Thursday that Kelli and friends meet at a (mostly) lesbian bar a block away to watch the show live. Damn! And I was going to stalk her too. And now look!

As for Kenley, wow. She is a real piece of work, that one is!

Love ya!

Maria said...

The recap was well worth the wait.

Daniel reminds me of David Spades brunette, grungy, whiny brother.

Leanne looks exactly like Lucy Little, from the old cartoon series The Littles.

Kenley is mean, but not bold enough to be mean to your face. Wuss. I wish Heidi would have called her out more for the laughing fit.

Jimmy said...

This is hilarious and I think you nailed all of these personalities this season. I like your blog a lot. Love Flannery O'Connor and Aunty Mame!

John said...

Oh I am so happy about Varla Jean on Ep 6. I loves me some Varla! I had my picture taken with her when she last came to Baltimore to do her Foreign Tongue show in January. Sadly, I was too drunk to remember much and just kept on apologizing all over the place. She was gracious as always.

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

Since I was too busy watching the Olympics to catch Runway, this was really, really entertaining.

To answer your question about UPN: It's been given over to young white girls so BET is all we have left (with the occasional show on MyTv).

And to respond to Anonymous who doesn't like Terri or Korto for "bullying" their partners: At least they were in their faces about it. Stankley is such a coward that she talks behind people's backs and laughs it off as if by laughing it makes it all okay. It's the laughing equivalent of "No offense, but...". That, and at least Terri's partner was being annoying by constantly turning to Terri for help. Besides, if Stankley tried to do that laughing crap to either Terri or Korto, there wouldn't be much left of her once that was over (but it would be so much fun to watch).

And Suede may love strong black women, but we don't love Suede!

And since I've said it before, I'll say it again; I would hag for Chris in a New York minute, so I'm very excited that he's coming back. I would totally watch his show if he ever got one.

Great recap as always! Smooches, everyone!

Kwana said...

I can't believe I missed this post last week. You were just perfect.

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