Thursday, August 21, 2008

Project Runway Episode Six - Hot Tranny Messes Up In Here!


Last week on Project Runway: Brooke Shields was a fashion icon(?), Keith was the winner, Terri questioned Suede’s anatomy, another white girl went home, and we found out that Kenley (aka Stankley) prefers to laugh AT you and not with you…

It’s morning in Manhattan, and it looks like someone tainted Stella’s heroin with Drāno. Seriously, someone poke her and see if she’s still with us. Otherwise, next week’s challenge will be: “design an outfit to wear to a junkie’s funeral”.

Onto the runway we go. Heidi introduces this week’s special guest – Season 4 designer Chris March. Chris comes out in Disco Viking Drag – and gives us his signature laugh and a cheerful “Hey Guys!”.

This week’s challenge will be to design an over-the-top look for a drag queen. One by one the “ladies” introduce themselves and then the designers get to pick their clients in random order. Here are some of the matchups:

Tango and Miss Understood, who “eats sequins for breakfast”. I wonder if she has a taste for “gay little grommets”?

Sweetie (“New York’s big-titted honky soul mama”) and Korto. “Watch out, it might rot your teeth”, Sweetie warns when Korto announces that she likes sweets.

Hedda Lettuce – professional camera-whore and comedienne – with Suede. Hedda wants Suede to make her as pretty as Heidi, or she’ll kill him. It looks like I may not have to neck-stab Suede after all…

Annida Greenkard and Daniel. Daniel picks Annida because he likes the Spanish aristocratic vibe she projects. That’s funny, she’s projecting “Guatemalan Tranny Hooker” to me.

Sherry Vine and Keith. Keith does his usual ass-kiss and picks Sherry for her “sexy legs”. I’m sorry, but it looks like those knobby knees have been ‘road tested’ – up and down the West Side Piers.

Acid Betty and Terri. Terri LOVES drag queens and I love Terri more and more each week. Betty describes herself as the fiercest “hybrid drag queen”. With gas prices these days, do you blame her?

Finally, the fabulous Varla Jean Merman and Average Joe. Varla moved to NYC a couple of years after I did. She was fat and raunchy - now she’s svelte and lady-like. It seems that she and I have done the old switcheroo – I used to be svelte and lady-like, and now I’m fat and raunchy. Ain’t life funny?

Back in the workroom, Tim gives the designers some advice: follow your client’s individual persona, and go over the top. And after all is said and done, the outfits will be auctioned off to benefit Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. They will have 30 minutes to meet with their clients, and then $200 to spend at Mood.

The girls enter, and Hedda immediately starts screaming Suede’s name. She is NOT going to let her 15 minutes of national television exposure pass her by. Hedda has a few simple requests regarding her outfit: shiny, pop, glamour, rainbows, Surround Sound, unicorns, Gossip Girl logos, and WiFi access – all done tastefully, of course. Miss Understood lovingly suggests a simple bag for Hedda’s face.

Varla meets with Joe – and Average Joe is now Overwhelmed Joe. He doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. But I will tell you this: Joe resembles every “straight” guy who ever walked into a Tranny Bar in order to find a “lady”. Joe tries to keep himself focused by saying this will be like designing a Halloween costume for his daughter. Just keep repeating that to yourself Joe, and maybe the swelling in your pants will go down…

Daniel wants to do a couture version of a flamenco dancer, Korto is giving “full-sized” Sweetie some full-sized flames, and Stella wants to “grommet everything” for Luisa Verde. Off they go to Mood for shopping.

At Mood, the Sequins and Lamé Department gets ransacked, and Terri gives us a “cha-ching-ching-CHING!” as she spends her last dollar at the register. Someone give homegirl her own show – NOW.

Back in the workroom, Average Joe has turned into Tranny Joe and has put on Varla’s bra and boobs. Joe even gives us a convincing “You better work!”. He better keep thinking about that daughter, because I do NOT want to see Joe’s hairy ass in leather chaps at next year’s Gay Pride Parade.

My girl Terri is working on the serious tip. She has dealt with drag queens before – and she knows they are NO JOKE. Terri is doing an 80’s punk kimono and leggings for Acid Betty – the “hybrid” drag queen. And by “hybrid”, Betty means: “I don’t feel like wearing boobs so I’ll pretend to be androgynous”. Lazy queen…

We get our usual Tangolicious montage – and it’s as annoying as ever. Tango is SUCH a Mango wannabe – even reenacting the “what would your drag name be?” conversation from last season. Korto had the best answer: “Annoyedlicious”. Even “Silent Fashion Assassin” Leanne has had enough. Tango better watch out or Leanne might silently sneak into his room one night and cut out his voiceboxalicious.

Day number 2 rolls around, and we have the WTF moment of the episode: Suede claims to have a vision. A vision of his garden-loving grandfather. And in this vision, Suede’s grandfather was scattering seeds. Bibb lettuce seeds, to be exact. And this, somehow, prompts Suede to make gloves with little Brussels Sprouts on them for Hedda. I would have paid money if Terri would have said “Girl, you have done gone and lost your mind!”. But Terri stays silent, and Suede continues sewing.

The models come in for a fitting – and this time they’re out of drag and unrecognizable. Tango said that Alex (Miss Understood) is a “normal, short little Mexican dude”. Good Lord, that means we have one Guatemalan and one Mexican up in here – does Lou Dobbs know about this?!? What happened to protecting our borders from these sequined savages?!?

Acid Betty is certainly not Ugly Betty – he’s actually a very attractive man. Those hybrids are SHARP – and economical! And Varla Jean has some ideas for Joe – I wonder if any of them involve his tongue?…

JerHell’s model LeMay keeps talking about her “gorgeous face”, similar to Daniel talking about his “impeccable taste” or Joe’s “love of vagina”. JerHell isn’t taking any chances, and is creating a huge collar to try and hide his client’s ‘beautiful’ face.

Hedda is NOT happy with her outfit – saying it looks “barnacle-ly” and “Godzilla-ish”. Or was that Godzillalicious? Hedda accuses Suede of being too lazy to make sleeves – creating gloves instead. Suede is so upset, he gives up the 3rd-person-speak completely. Hedda explains that she is making these suggestions “out of love … just get it right!” Terri overhears their exchange and finally gives us a “Oh no she di-int!”. Thanks girl, I needed that. Suede declares Hedda is “such soggy lettuce”. Oh no HE di-int!

Tim makes his rounds – and this time brings Chris with him. For the first time this season, Tim doesn’t look like he wants to jump off the roof of the Atlas Apartment building – he looks like he’s having a good time. Tim loves a hot tranny mess.

They seem to likee Korto’s “woman in heat” dress for Sweetie, and Chris gives her some suggestions about showing off Sweetie’s legs. According to Tim, Tango has created a “Pterodactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park” – which Tango claims is the “greatest compliment”. Actually, for this challenge it probably is. And Tim and Chris really likee the Joe/Varla collaboration. Not nearly as much as JOE is going to like the Joe/Varla “collaboration”.

They don’t seem to likee Keith’s usual “toilet paper in a windstorm” fringe look for Sherry Vine. All Chris can say is “wow” – but he might have been looking at Keith’s pecs and not his shoddy garment.

Suede whines to Tim and Chris about Hedda’s meanness, and they both agree that Suede should make the bitch wear the Brussels sprout gloves.

Finally, Tim thinks Daniel’s aristocratic flamenco dress isn’t over-the-top enough, but Daniel is “not worried about Tim’s critique”. If that doesn’t set off alarm bells in your head, nothing will. Daniel asks Tango to try it on, maybe because Blayne has the closest complexion match to Daniel’s Guatemalan Mama.

It’s now the morning of the runway show, and it’s official – Stella is a corpse. Next week will be the “Weekend At Stella’s” challenge. JerHell and Tango crack me up by making Wookie noises while making fun of Keith’s “Wookie Onesie” dress. But then again, I’m a Star Wars nerd – and Wookie jokes are funny to me. But when Sherry Vine sees the Wookie couture, she doesn’t seem happy. “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope…”

Suede and Hedda have a private chat: head-to-Hedda. Suede has taken everything Hedda said into consideration, dismissed it, and is making her wear the Godzilla-gloves. Hedda, sensing a dramatic on-air moment, hugs and makes up with Suede.

The “girls” get the Tresemme and L’Oreal hair and makeup treatment – I just wonder how much crap they stole off the Bluefly.com wall. The ever-classy Stella explains to us that “these BROADS aren’t classy!”. Most of them wear “tacky shit on stage” (especially if Suede is designing it). I love it that Burnout Stella thinks these bitches lack “class”. On next week’s Everyday Living With Stella, our hostess makes Bananas Foster!

It’s time for the fiercest runway show in the history of Project Runway. Work, bitches!!

Farrah Moans shows off Stankley’s “Marilyn Monroe meets Vegas Showgirl”.

Miss Understood models Tango’s gay Pterodactyl, but one of the wings falls off. It’s extinctalicious.

Varla Jean Merman WORKS her “Anne Margaret on the Love Boat” outfit, and will be WORKING Joe back at the Atlas apartments later tonight.

Hedda, sensing her on-screen time will soon be up, hams it up and down the runway. She looks like what you would get if you crossed Godzilla with a barnacle in a lettuce patch. I hope Suede’s dead grandfather is happy.

Acid Betty works her Gene Simmons meets Diana Ross in Japan look and Terri gives us a “You go, Girl!”. I get the feeling Terri thought she was going on Jerry Springer and not Project Runway, since she seems to know the lingo.

Sweetie ROCKED the runway in red, Sharon Needles looked like Judy Jetson on crystal meth (but in a good way), Sherry Vine resembled a skinny Wookie Hooker, and Annida Greenkard looked like a Guatemalan Beach Ho.

After the show, Heidi announces that Keith, Korto, Joe, Terri, JerHell, and Daniel should remain. The rest are safe and leave the stage. Suede says a silent prayer of thanks to Grandpa Greenthumbs.

The guest judge this week is Rupaul, who put on a bargain-basement wig for the occasion. Seriously girl, whatever happened to “Supermodel of the World”? You need to discard that ratty wig. Foreals.

The judges likee:

Terri’s “Super Samurai” look was “heaven”. Michael Kors wanted Acid Betty’s boots. That’s okay – Betty stole them from the Bluefly wall.

Joe’s “fantastic” look for Varla – which showed off her ass(ets). It also hid her “candy” – which Joe will taste later this evening. Sorry, I couldn’t resist…

Korto’s “fire” look for Sweetie. Michael Kors thinks Sweetie is ready for Victoria’s Secret, but unfortunately they don’t make a 44D.

The judges no likee:

Keith’s look for Sherry Vine. He was going for “Sex Kitten Tina Turner”, but ended up with a Wookie Onesie. Be fearful of the dark side, Keith should.

JerHell’s outfit – worn by the beautiful (?) LeMay. Popped collar or no, that Ho wasn’t cute – and neither was the dress.

Daniel’s look for Annida Greenkard. Now she’s Annida GreenkandAndADecentOutfit. When asked why he didn’t go over the top (which was the challenge, after all), Daniel whined that something ‘gaudy’ would have made him ‘throw up’. Rupaul responds with: “Hello! Drag!!” and schools Daniel that a Tranny Ho cannot make “those coins” in a crappy South Beach summer dress. Do not stand between a drag queen and her coins … or the Bluefly.com accessories wall.

The six remaining designers line back up for the results. Terri is safe, and Joe is the winner. Terri looks mad, and Joe looks horrified when he remembers all the things he promised Varla if she got him the win. You go girl!

This means that Korto is also safe – as is JerHell.

Keith and Daniel remain on the runway – and Daniel has his typical “I cannot believe I am in the bottom two after all I have impeccable taste and everyone at my private boarding school thought so” look on his face.

Let’s see?...Hot sexy hunk or whiny skinny rich kid who didn’t listen to Tim’s advice?...

Guess who went home? Buh-Bye Daniel!



Next week: NO RECAP FROM ME. Check back next week to find out why…

30 comments:

Beth said...

oh gawd......the show last night....what can I say that you haven't already said???!! it was FIERCE!!!

I don't think I've ever laughed that hard....and my kid kept saying.,..."are they girls or boys? I don't get it..." Poor thing!

thank you Lord Daniel is gone....he just has SUCH an attitude last night!!! EEWWWW.

and girlll, I am LOVIN Terri!!! You go girl!!!


xoxoxoxoxox

ps. I wanted to call you during the commercial SO. BAD. but I didn't feel like getting bitched out! ;)

Tivo Mom said...

My faith in Project Runway is restored. Loved last night and loved your take. You were right, those "girls" stole the show. Terri did look mad when Joe won didn't she? I thought maybe that was just me. I cut off ten inches of my hair today (to donate) so I needed to laugh. Thank you very much. And no I odn't look butch yet, I just have more of a mom cut than before. Oh well it will grow.

Timmy said...

Terri is becoming my favorite mainly because of the things that she says.

I love RuPaul's comment to Keith, "And the dingo ate your baby. All I hear is excuses."

I can't believe that the bottom three didn't go over the top.

Your comments about Stella are priceless!

JenM said...

Love, love, love your review! I am glad we weren't the only ones who thought Rupaul's hair was BUSTED.

Extinctalicious....priceless!

mistress maddie said...

Well girl,that recap made me laugh my ass off.I agree,I love terri more each week and I think she is who I'm rooting for.And I agree that Rupauls wig was a mess!She usually looks much better.It was overall a pretty good show though and don't you worry,you to still have some sexy curves!!

Maria said...

I love you and your recaps!

I was sure I was the only one who wondered how many Bluefly.com accessories were liberated!

The RuPaul of 10 years ago would have read the hell out of the RuPaul of last night!

I am already sad that there will be no recap next week - I hope you have a very good reason why we are all going to be deprived.

Bearotic said...

Awesome recap!

Yay! No more Daniel whining! He was taxing in more ways than one.

If you didn't get a chance to see the episode check out some photos of all the outfits at Bearotic.com.

mikeinbama said...

Damn, one of your best recaps ever!

I laughed until I cried! You're going to be at decadence next week. Don't embarrass your readers.....hahahahaha, I tried to say that without laughing out loud.

Take it easy on the Papi's.

Brian said...

I know, right? Can't we give Varla immunity instead of Joe? Thanks for the comment! And since one good self-promoting link deserves another, here's my assessment of last night's proceedings.

David Dust said...

Darling MikeInBama - YES, I AM going to Decadence next week - but I don't leave until Friday!

I will be doing SOMETHING ELSE on Wednesday night!

XOXOXOXOXO

mikeinbama said...

OH, I completely forgot where you're going to be next Wednesday......hahahahahahaha.

Now I remember.

Leonardo D'Cato said...

Yet again another awesome recap! I love, love Terri. She has everything you need - attitude, skills. I also love, love that Daniel finally got kicked out! What the hell was with Keith and Daniel having a moment? Don't tell me he got some hot Mormon action. I knew there was something off about RuPaul, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

Mon Chi Chi said...

Weekend At Stella's is my new favorite movie.

Dagny said...

I loved when RuPaul told Daniel about the coin and all.

Oh, and now thanks to you, everytime Terri spoke last night, I added the words "up in here." Yep, I actually said the stuff aloud. Pathetic, huh? But I love me some Terri. I think she could be my new best friend.

Colette said...

Hey David,

Very funny recap! Thanks for sharing your link. I love finding new blogs, especially fabulous ones!

I wish Varla Jean was on Project Runway every week as one of the models. She is fantastic.

http://coletteslovebytes.com

RJ Flamingo said...

Nice job! It was a great show, last night!

See mine at:

http://flamingomusings.blogspot.com

Cheers!

RJ Flamingo

a-nony-mouse said...

Your recap matched the episode,
outrageous and over the top!
Next week looks all about ripping the roof off an apartment building and dressing the models in it? Sounds like a good episode to miss.

Edz GorGor said...

Sweet lord ... your blog and recaps are the best that I've ever read, straight to the point yet entertaining and funny!

Best thing is, you did recaps for both of my favourite show ... project runway and shear genius! Hopefully you will do review on ANTM as well since it's coming soon this Sept.

p/s: can I add a link to your blog from my humble site?

Kwana said...

What, no recap next week and you're going to make me check back to find out why?

I am so mad over Terri not winning. She had this. I love the Weekend at Stella's line! The best.

John G. said...

Faaab and funeee! And we both had a heartfelt BUH-BYE for Dear Danny Boy in our recaps. I'll be back for sure. :-)

Joy said...

This was one hilarious recap! Loved, loved, loved it! One great line after another!!

I also cracked up when RuPaul said that about the dingo ate your baby. Has RuPaul fallen on hard times and can't afford her former good wigs? What's happening to her? She was as funny as ever, thank goodness.

You'd better have a good excuse for not recapping next week. I'm going to miss you while you're in Nawlins. How long will you be gone? I'm having separation anxiety!!

Terri rules.

theminx said...

"Betty describes herself as the fiercest “hybrid drag queen”. With gas prices these days, do you blame her?" OMG - I didn't even catch the car angle of the comment. Brilliant! (as always)

See you next week!
xoxoxoxox
K

eric3000 said...

Yeah, those hybrid drag queens are very economical! LOL!

kristi said...

Beth sent me your way. This had me rolling!! Too funny!

Meeg said...

This was the most entertaining show of the season for sure.

I can't believe when Daniel was trying to make excuses for his lame dress (which wasn't over the top but also wasn't so tasteful with those colors, btw) and he was like "well its not like I'm making an outfit for a Vegas show girl" and its like "uh, drag queens are show girls!" Dumb. ass.

Cliff O'Neill said...

That line about Hedda wanting "shiny, pop, glamour, rainbows, Surround Sound, unicorns, Gossip Girl logos, and WiFi access – all done tastefully, of course" was pure brilliance!

So much funny here!

Um ...

Still cracking up over Weekend At Stella's!

And, Joe can't get dibs on Varla's candy before me!

Anonymous said...

As a straight woman who would rather hang with a gang of drag queens or gay men, than straight beer drinking guys anyday, this post offended me.

I usually love your recaps but this one is discusting in regards to the Varla and Joe constant sexual references.

Keep your fantasies of converting straight men to yourself please.

You are the reason so many staright men are still homophobic in this day and age.

You are the kind of gay I could see encountering a straight man in a restroom somewhere and pulling out your cock and stroking it while walking towards the poor guy saying "Oh c'mon you know you want it stud!"

Gay men like you who always assume that straight men secretely have raging boners at the thought of drag Queens, Trannies, or other guys in a Gym locker room are the reason why homphobia is still rampant and so many close-minded straight men assume every gay guy is gonna try to put the moves on them.

You just cannot accept that some people are straight and have no curiousity or confusion about whether they like dick or vagina.

Get over yourself Mr. Delusional Dust.

I'm sure Joe's poor wife and daughters love you turning their husband/father into a closeted homosexual who desperately wanted his drag queens dick every chance you got.

I know you and your loyal fans will go off on me for this but I really don't care this post pissed me off!!

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

I loved this recap! How the hell did Terri lose again! I'm starting to believe that she's got the always-the-bridesmaid curse to the nth degree because I loved her outfit (when I finally went to Bravo's site to see them all). I am glad to see Daniel go, because he was getting on my last nerve with his inability to prove that he actually deserved to be on the show.

I can't wait to catch this show on re-runs so that I can see my beloved Chris again. Sigh. Once I hit the big time and I'm rolling in dough, I've got two designers I'm hiring for all of my clothing needs (Chris and Terri).

And to Anonymous: The reason why many straight men are homophobic is not due to the hilarious comments about the one straight man on a show who spends too much time trying to convince the world that they are straight; it has everything to do with ignorance and a delusional belief that every gay man is after their asses. If you are so uptight that this recap offended you, maybe you should take a step back and look at every straight man who has ever been on this show. What is the pattern? They are trying to convince someone that they are straight. It could be said they are saying it to convince the audience a la Jonathan Anton, but it's really to convince themselves that they are, indeed, straight. I doubt Joe's wife and daughters are losing any sleep over one man's comments about their loved one, so you need to stop acting as if homophobia is triggered by gay men saying they want to sleep with straight men (which is not what David said, by the way). You are going to great lengths to further the homophobic cause by getting on your vitriolic high horse and lashing out at David for the "relationship" Joe had with his queen, simply because you can't take a joke and want to believe that the problem with homophobia is caused by gay men themselves. Sure. That's exactly what the problem is; it can't be that people hate that which is a) unfamiliar, b) drilled into them as being "wrong", or c) something that may be part of themselves in some way. If you are going to choose a platform on which to spout your ignorance, come up with a better argument.

Hell yes, I'm angry with you and it has everything to do with you being too moronic to even realize that you missed the point of everything. Maybe you're not as open minded as you thought, and that's why you're so upset. Go sort out your issues on your own time.

Howard said...

I hate to admit I missed this show when it originally aired, but saw it last night for the first time, and have to say 'Great Job!' with the recap, as usual.

I think Terri was ripped off yet again, and am hoping str8 Joe was getting the prize before being sent home next week.

As much as I am not loving Daniel, I am sad to see him leave before giving Stankley a beat-down. And Ms RuPaul definitely needs a new wig.

Speaking of beat-downs, Sailor, I luvs you. Just sayin'...

Mark in DE said...

Great recap, and a fun episode! But what happened to RuPaul??? Now I am a GREAT BIG HUGE RuPaul fan, but her face looked tore up on this episode! Maybe she is recovering from a little nip/tuck?

Mark :-)

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