Top Haircut Episode Seven - Lots and Lots of Bitches

Yes, darling readers, after a two-week hiatus, I’m back to recapping Top Haircut. If you don’t remember, last week I was thwarted by the Great Blogger Lockout of 2008, and the week before my Mother decided to write my recap for me. Why wasn’t she so eager to do my homework when I was in SCHOOL?!?

To get you all up to speed, Gail and Glenn have gone home – while Nekisa somehow remains. Charlie is still a bitch, Dee is still a cross-eyed lesbian, and Daniel still sounds like Lady Bird Johnson.

The salontestants gather in the salon, where Hostess with the Mostess Jaclyn Smith greets them. Since they all sucked ass last week at the Charlie’s Angels challenge, no one gets to be on the Allure Hall of Fame Lite·Brite Board. The sadness is palpable.

This week’s guest judge is “Kitchen Beautician” Robert Hallowell. He is called a kitchen beautician because bitch is cheap and would rather use peanut butter than Nexxus products. Why is Bravo – the Queens of Product Placement – letting this hippie on the show? Oh, I get it – Bravo just landed the Procter & Gamble account...

Shortcut Challenge:

The salontestants are required to create a “futuristic” look, using no salon products – just food items such as anchovies, mustard and tuna. That’s just nasty. There is a table in front of them with 33 different items, and I’m waiting for Padma to ask them to draw knives. The Top Chef hostess never materializes, so our Kitchen Beauticians select clients and food products and the fun begins.

Charlie will be baking his model’s hair using flour and salt. Dee will be “frosting” her model with egg whites and butter. And Nicole has picked squid – because she is stoned.

Charlie is on the rag today – and is alternately picking fights with wonk-eyed LesbiDee, and perpetual bottom-dweller Nekisa. Nekisa is the only one dumb enough to take the bait. And Charlie better hope that Dee’s good eye doesn’t finally focus on him – lesbians can be vicious once they get a lock on you.

The 45 minutes are up, and the salontestants line up for judging. Guest Judge Robert likee Paulo, Daniel and Dee – and no likee Nekisa (natch) and Nicole. Nicole, who ditched her Fried Hair Calamari idea and got rid of the squid – is the loser. Maybe a nice seafood salad would have been better – after all, it IS summertime. Paulo is declared the winner.

That night, they all return to the house and do their usual drinking and hating. Daniel Bird Johnson, who seems to be the most diplomatic of the bunch, gives us the Hate Update. Nekisa hates Nicole. Nicole hates Dee. Dee hates Charlie. Charlie hates everyone. And Jaclyn Smith hates Lippy Kim Vo for stealing her Monday morning appointment at the Botox Doctor.

Elimination Challenge:

The next day, the remaining six stylists meet René Steak Frites in a park to receive their challenge. He reveals the clients – and six bitches come walking over the hill – along with their female owners. Yes, the stylist bitches will be cutting and styling dog hair.

Dee looks wonk-eyed and horrified. She don’t know nothing about no dogs. She has a cat. Of course you do dear, you are a lesbian. And I bet you also have 85 keys on your clip-on keychain, and a collection of sleeveless flannel shirts. I would bet money that her pussy’s name is Rosie. I mean her CAT, people – don’t be disgusting!

Paulo gets to select his bitch first, and then selects the order the other stylists get to choose. Daniel has to pick last, so we can add “Daniel hates Paulo” to the Hate Update.

What’s this?!? There’s a TWIST! Not only will these bitches be cutting the hair of the bitches, they will ALSO cut the bitch’s OWNER’S hair! And they have to make doggie and lady look alike. And since none of the stylists were paying attention to the women (only the dogs) – they are thrown for a loop. Good luck, bitches – ALL of you.

They return to the salon, which has been stocked with doggie grooming products. They have 2 ½ hours to get all their bitches runway-ready. Goodness, I would LOVE to hear René say “wunway weady”…

René Fudd wanders around giving “advice” – which consists of words that no one can understand. This prompts the salontestants to nod their head “yes” a lot and pray he moves on. But René won’t leave Nekisa alone – saying her doggie looks “pwegnant”. He is also making Charlie smacktalk the others, and Charlie focuses on Dee – who he thinks is good, “but she’s a bitch”. Wait, I’m getting all my bitches confused.

Nekisa’s client look like she wants to run away – the WOMAN, not the dog. And Daniel decides to put HAIR EXTENSIONS on his dog. Paulo thinks this looks like “Duck’s ass on crack”. Now we can also add “Paulo hates Daniel” to the Hate Update.

And now it’s time for me to write the line I’ve been waiting to write this entire episode:

It’s time for the Dog Show, BITCHES!

On the runway, we are introduced to the Judges: Lippy Kim Vo, Kelly Atterton, and Guest Judge Jennifer McCarthy – dog trainer to the stars. She seems like a serious person, and I bet she HATES it when people call her “Jenny McCarthy” and ask her why her hair isn’t blond. I can just picture her eye-roll and disgust. Jaclyn gets to utter the phrase that SHE has been waiting to say this entire episode: “Every dog has its day”. Walk bitches!!!

All the bitches walk and show off their new styles. After the show, the judges determine that Daniel and Dee are the top two. Dee is the winner, because both her bitches ended up looking alike. Yes ladies and gentleman – the lesbian won the Bitch Challenge. My money was on Charlie, but I was wrong.

Speaking of Charlie – he, Paulo, and Nekisa (natch) are in the bottom three. Charlie bitches about having to cut the bitches, but the bitch is safe. This leaves us with Paulo’s “mullet”, and Nekisa’s mess. Nekisa’s model looks absolutely horrified by what has been done to her hair – AND to her dog's hair. These bitches aren’t happy.

Paulo is safe – and Nekisa finally goes home. After being in the bottom for almost EVERY challenge – she gets booted by two bitches.


Next week: Lippy Kim Vo has “violet vomit”. Or is that VIOLENT vomit? Whatever it is, I bet it was caused by the Botox. Till then BITCHES!!!