Project Runway Episode Eight - "Diane von Furstenberg Up In Here"

Last week I was at a FANCY PARTY during Project Runway, so I didn’t write a recap. But apparently the nice white girl won, the hot Mormon went home crying, and we found out that Stella is dating someone named “Ratbones”. Why does something like “Ratbones” happen when I’m NOT recapping? Seriously, that’s just not fair.

It’s morning in the Big Apple, and filling in for a shirtless Keith we have … Stella in a black bra?!? Lord have mercy. She is trying to figure out how to make “cauw-fee” …for the 18th day in a row. Poor Ratbones must NEVER get fed (or coffee). Stella finally brews the java, which Terri says has a “kick”. That “kick” probably costs $60 a gram.

The designers go to the runway, where Tim Gunn makes a “surprise appearance”. Tim tells them they will be designing for a “fashion legend”. He will take them to see this legend.

The fashiontestants walk the cobblestone streets of the Meat Packing District – the former rough-and-tumble neighborhood of butchers and tranny hookers. It is now home to Mary Kate Olsen and Eurotrash smoking clove cigarettes in outdoor cafés. This is not progress, if you ask me. Give me a tough tranny and a side of beef any day.

They arrive at the offices of the legendary Diane von Furstenberg, and she descends from a staircase as if in a Busby Berkeley musical. I could hear every queen in my neighborhood snapping and screaming “WORK!”. Ok, maybe that was just me – but I’m sure someone else did it too.

You want to know why I love Diane von Furstenberg (aka DVF)? Because that bitch had her eyeglasses tucked between her boobies. DIVA! Hey, it’s much better than wearing them “librarian style” on a string around her neck. “Put those boobies to work” is what my mother always said. Or was that “get to work, you boob!”?...

DVF explains that their challenge will be to create a look for her fall collection. The collection is inspired by the Marlene Dietrich film “A Foreign Affair”. The movie is set in Berlin (with references to Shanghai and New York), where Marlene plays a singer/performer/spy. I hear more shouts of “FIERCE!” and lots more snapping. Then I calmed down and shut up. Seriously, Bravo needs to repeat this episode every Gay Pride Day. If they could somehow incorporate Judy Garland and hot go-go boys, this episode would be gayer than the drag queen challenge.

The winner will get his or her look produced and sold to AMEX cardholders – with a portion of the proceeds going to the CFDA Foundation. A larger portion of the proceeds will go to funding more staircases and eyeglasses for DVF. As an added bonus, the designers will get to “shop” in the DVF fabric sample room, also known as “where silk prints go to die”.

The designers RANSACK the sample room. JerHell, in an apparent diss to Mood, says DVF’s “amazing” fabric “wasn’t cheap”. Mood is SO going to “forget” JerHell’s zippers next week. Woops! Kenley begins to cry about the fabric, a “gorgeous print” that is now stained with her tears. She "loves" DVF and really wants to win this challenge - so STOP CRYING already!

Because there is no “customer assistance” in the sample room (as opposed to Mood), Stella’s usual cries of “who’s helping me?!?” go unanswered. Tim, who was NOT about to get his suit dusty helping a junkie, suggests if Stella can’t reach something she should “move on”. This also happens to be my strategy in Latino stripper bars.

Back in the workroom, everyone seems to be doing separates (vest, blouse, skirt, etc), but Kenley is doing one simple tear-stained dress. Suede has returned to speaking in the 3rd person and is doing “Berlin Camouflage”. Let’s hope it doesn’t end up like this:

Blayne/Tango and Straight Joe diss the fact that Terri always does the same old pants – which she’s already finished and is showing off. Terri seems to be getting on the others nerves. During a meal break Leanne, Terri and Stella discuss what they are doing – but Stella won’t talk about her design. Stella says she doesn’t trust Terri; besides, Ratbones taught her that snitches get shot.

PLEASE tell me why Joe has decided to make faux Asian “language sounds” (“chin choy chang!”…) while designing his Shanghai-inspired dress. OMG – he just used the term “Oriental”. Racist! Why doesn’t he go all out and put on these glasses:


Seriously, don’t they have any Asian people in Detroit? Who does the dry cleaning?

Anywhoo, Leanne declares that she would love to be a spy – and her spy name would be “LeeAnimal”. I thought she was already a Silent Fashion Assassin? If so, why doesn’t she shut the hell up and sew?

“Suede would love to be a spy”, Suede says, adding that his blue hair might give him away. That, and the dirty fork protruding from his bleeding neck – compliments of yours truly. Careful Suede, I have Silent Fork Assassins everywhere…


Tim comes in for his usual chat. He no likee Suede’s “Berlin-inspired” look, but Tim does likee Leanne’s dress. Although he tells Leanne to assassinate some of the length of the jacket.

Tim visits Kenley and her single, solitary dress – and he likee. This prompts MORE tears from Kenley. During this latest outburst she mumbles something about Wal-Mart and K-Mart. Now discount stores make Kenley cry?!? I don’t know much about female hormones, but if they make you crazy like this, I’m glad I don’t date women. Although “straight” Puerto Rican ex-convicts are no walk in the park either. Trust me.

Then Tim visits Stella. Stella is as high as a kite (all that “coffee with a kick”), confused, and talking shit – just like we love her.

Tim: Talk to me.
Stella: She’s a traveler. She’s from Paris, right?
Tim: Berlin.
Stella: Whatever.

Tim: Last week the judges didn’t think you had a cohesive look.
Stella: The judges were clueless, especially that stylist in an oversized muumuu dress.
Tim: Sorry Rachel Zoe.

Get this junkie her own show - IMMEDIATELY.

The next morning on the way out the door, Joe refers to JerHell as “Chantilly Lace”. At least Joe didn’t use a ‘Buckwheat accent’ and say “Chanti-wee Wace … O-tay!!” while strumming a banjo.

Because THAT would have been racist…

Everyone is scrambling to finish and scrambling to hate on each other’s designs one last time. Tango hates on Suede, saying “yuck” – which sums up my feelings about BOTH of them. Kenley is wearing a rooster blouse with feathered sleeves and isn’t crying (for now). But Kenley IS “worried” for Stella. Stella is worried that Ratbone is boinking his ex from Staten Island while Stella hangs out with these losers.

Leanne is hating on Joe – saying he has created a “cheap costume”. Joe, on the other hand, describes his look as “very polished” – but it might get lost amongst the “crap” coming down the runway. Or did he say “most honorable cwap” and make funny Asian eyes?!?


Because THAT would have been racist…

It’s time for the runway show, and we are introduced to the judges: Michael Kors, Diane von Furstenberg, and fashion executive Fern Mallis.

The looks come down the runway, and I have some questions. Why does JerHell always have to put a funny hat on his model’s head? Why does Tango think that when DVF gives him the “googly eye”, it’s a good thing? Why does Stella always talk about “class”, when she obviously has none? In the immortal words of Fat Albert: Stella is “like school on a Saturday – NO CLASS”.

Heidi declares that Terri, JerHell, and Tango (!) are safe. The judges must be as high as Stella.

In the “Likee” category: Korto, Kenley and Leanne

DVF loves Korto’s use of a yellow lining in her dress, and everyone loves Korto’s jacket. Kenley defended her creation of a simple, single dress, which DVF liked – even if DVF DID roll her googly eyes when Kenley suggested that “you needed a dress”. And DVF liked the “yin and yang” of Leanne’s design. Personally, I’m strictly a “yang” kinda guy.

In the “No Likee” category: Joe, Stella, and Suede.

The judges don’t mind the front of Joe’s garment – but they hate the back. Suede has created the same dress as he did for Hedda Lettuce – minus the Brussels sprout gloves. Michael suggested it looked like Suede’s model “dressed in the dark”. And DVF is NOT happy with Stella’s “Dracula” cape. Stella should have sewn in a pocket for eyeglasses – maybe that would have helped. “Stella was not stellar”, Fern said – obviously getting cheeky in hopes of more television time.

Speaking of cheeky, according the text poll, Heidi’s drag name (or somesuch) is “Venus Schnitzel”. Don’t dangle the sausage!

Everyone lines up for the judging:

Korto is safe.

Leanne is the winner! Her dress will be produced and sold to AMEX cardholders. And anybody with an Ebay account. Kenley is also safe – and thankfully does not cry.

Of the losers, Suede is safe and thus still eligible for a neck-stabbing. It is down to Joe’s “Hong Kong Fuey” outfit, and Stella’s “Sweet Transvestite from Transylvania Meets Tweed” design.

Stella is sent home to her darling Ratbones! I am shocked and saddened. Stella rolls her eyes and declares that “my ego was way too big to be here anyway”. Keep it classy!

In her final interview, Stella declares that she tried to be herself throughout the competition. “I’m a rock star!”, she says, adding:

"If you like my stuff, come buy it. If you don’t, keep walking – I don’t care”.

Just like those Tranny Hookers from the old Meat Packing District.


Next week: Korto seeks Jesus’ help, Terri finds road kill, and somebody poops fabric. Till then bitches!!