Project Runway Episode Nine - Reunited, And It Doesn't Feel So Good

Last week on Project Runway: Diane von Furstenberg was in the House! That nice white girl won again – and my darling Stella was sent home to her darling Ratbones. Read my recap here – I even quoted Fat Albert!

It’s morning in Manhattan, and instead of the usual “I can’t believe [fill in the blank] is gone”, we get the total opposite from Terri. Terri is literally doing the Munchkin dance and saying “the witch is dead!” in a singsong voice. I guess she won’t be missing Stella and her “cauwfee with a kick” … up in here.

Suede tells Tango of a weird dream he had regarding Chiffon and Pop Tarts – but at least it didn’t involve another dead relative and tears. Kenley is already starting her stank – predicting that she will win it all.

Onto the runway for the model non-selection. Heidi tells the fashiontestants to prepare for some “special guests”. Lo and Behold – the old eliminated designers walk onto the runway. Each current designer will pair with an eliminated designer to create an “avant-garde” look. Heidi states that the eliminated designers will NOT have the opportunity to return to the competition. That’s reassuring – so these losers have NOTHING to gain from this – but plenty of opportunity for SABOTAGE! This is going to be good.

They meet Tim Gunn in the workroom to pick teams. Tim announces that their inspiration for this challenge will be the astrological sign of one member of each team. Groovy dude!

Using an archaic ritual passed down from the ancient Druids, Tim matches current designer to current loser, using the Magic Velvet Bag of Parsons. Here are the resulting teams.

Korto and Kelli – Kelli is one of the 18 interchangeable white girls this season.

Kenley and Wesley. If Stankley can’t be with Daniel – then Daniel’s piece Wesley is the next best thing.

Straight Joe and Gay Daniel.

Leanne and Emily. Which one is Emily again? Wait, and who in the hell is Leanne?!?

Tango and Stella. Oh.Hell.Yeah. “Tango and Stella” needs to be the next show on Bravo.

Terri will be satisfied with anyone but Keith. She does not get along with Keith. “It’s not going to be pretty” if they put her with Keith. PLEASE don’t put her with Keith! Terri gets Keith. She has just been “punked” by the ancient Druids.

JerHell and someone named “Jennifer”, who I don't think has ever even been on Project Runway. Seriously, I think they just pulled random white girls off the street that morning. “Hey little girl! Wanna be on TV?!?”…

Finally, Suede and Jerry. Many of you might not remember Jerry – who was the first designer to be eliminated for walking THIS monster down the runway…

If ANYONE has the potential to neck-stab Suede, it’s Jerry. I’m sure there’s a Serial Killer in there waiting to attack. Someone give Jerry a dirty fork!

They will have two days to complete this challenge – and 30 minutes to “caucus” with their teammates. Tee hee … Tim said “caucus”! … tee hee. :)

First of all, Stella knows her astrology. She starts reciting to teammate Tango what Libra is all about. I think Stella might have been born on the wagon of a traveling show. Her Mama may have danced for the money they’d throw. Papa would do whatever he could. Or maybe not.

Joe and Daniel are doing Aries. Joe keeps talking about “The Ram”. The Ram is a “great animal”. Well, Joe IS from Detroit – and “Dodge Trucks are Ram Tough”. And he IS straight…

Gay Daniel, on the other hand – keeps talking about “The Horn” – while staring at Wesley and stroking his sketching pencil. Go figure.

Leanne – the winner of the last two challenges – decides against doing Libra (her sign). The whole balanced/unbalanced thing doesn’t appeal to her – and the thought of doing an outfit with scales dangling from either side would be a serious fashion mistake.

Across the workroom, Tango has a brainstorm:

Tango: Let’s do scales!!

Stella: That’s a wonderful idea!

This is the best partnership since Bartles & James…

At Mood, they have $2500 for fabric. Kenley is treating teammate Wesley like Stella used to treat the staff at Mood – “Who’s helping me?!?” Terri asks Mood if they have any fabric leftovers from the 18-year Broadway run of Cats. They dust off a few choices, and Terri selects a few yards of Grizzabella Gold, and some Old Deuteronomy fur trim. Keith keeps telling her this is a mistake, but Terri ignores him – humming “Memory” on her way out the door. She’s a Jellicle cat! If you're not familiar with Cats, you will have no idea what those last four sentences mean - sorry.

Thank you Mood!!

In the workroom, Suede and Jerry are considering a “halter jumpsuit”. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Seriously, have you people seen THIS?:

Why is Suede listening to this freak? Jerry mentions that he has “won awards” for avant-garde designs in the past. Yeah, at the annual CrazyTown Fashion Awards. BTW – Jerry only took THIRD place in the “Outfits for Serial Killers” category – but I guess that still qualifies as an award.

Meanwhile, Terri and Keith are hating on each other in an award-worthy way. Terri is pissed because Keith’s skill level isn’t the same as hers. He asks her to “be gentle with me, OK?” because he’s feeling fragile since being sent home. I will guarantee you that this isn’t the FIRST time he’s said “be gentle with me”… this week. Terri suggests maybe he could count the pins that fall on the floor. Or maybe Keith could count the times that Terri acts like an evil biatch toward him – but I don’t think they make numbers that high.

Stankley’s incessant talking in that nasally voice of hers has even drove the normally sweet Leanne to the edge. Leanne and Emily are going to rip that flower out of Stankley’s hair and shove it up her … Oh look – it’s Tim Gunn for a visit!

Tim heads directly for Tango and Stella – because one is immediately drawn to the scene of a train wreck. Tango tries some mumbo-jumbo explanation about their look, and Tim looks puzzled. Questions like “What’s that mean?”, and “Can I ask why?” are uttered before Tim finally gives up and walks away. “I don’t think he got us”, Stella decides. Add that one to the ever-growing "No shit, Sherlock" file.

Team JerHell/Random White Girl’s fabric choice is perplexing to Tim, who predicts they will either win or “crash and burn”. Did they just mention putting an arrow on their model’s head? OMG.

Tim is leaning more toward “crash and burn” for Stankley’s team after viewing their outfit. Tim suggests that her look might be a bit like Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. Stankley is shocked … SHOCKED to hear such blasphemy about her fantastic dress! “It’s going to be awesome”, she states confidently. “Good luck”, Tim replies - and by that he actually means - "you are stank, and that dress is ugly".

Here are some highlights from Tim’s visit with Terri and Keith: “Darling”. “Don’t call me darling”. Eye roll. “That’s the most feedback I’ve gotten all day”. “Ruffles”. “You’re not the easiest person to work with”. This is the WORST partnership since Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. Tim gives them a feeble “make it work” and slinks away to avoid the impending bloodshed.

Day Two arrives, and they show us a shirtless shot of Wesley ironing. Wesley must have thought he was going to be on “Project Houseboy” – where 14 young men compete to live and "work" at David Geffen’s house on Fire Island. Wesley seems to have the stepping, fetching, and ironing competitions in the bag – we’ll have to find out from Daniel how he does in the OTHER categories.

Back in the workroom, the designers find a note from Heidi. They will be showing their designs at 8:00 pm at the Rose Center – and TWO designers will go home. Cue the panic and feelings of impending doom.

Stella, who is a good egg, is fired up – and wants to help Tango make it to the next challenge. She means well, but unfortunately this would be like ME trying to help out on a Quantum Physics challenge. Jerry and Suede now have their own Nell-esque secret language – which consists of the third person AND whispering. Keith has had enough of Terri’s trippin', and heads to the lounge to relax and make catty remarks about her and her Lion King dress. It's the Circle of Life!

Tim gathers everyone to go to the Rose Center (which is attached to the Museum of Natural History – where they filmed Night at the Museum). They arrive with their models – and Tango is immediately impressed with the pretty lights. What is up with this Gay Grommet and his fascination with light bulbs - UVB or otherwise??

They are greeted by some of Heidi’s “favorite New York designers”, which happen to be fashiontestants from seasons past. We have Daniel V., Straight Robert, Carmen (like the opera) Webber (like the musical composer), Alison and Kara – as well as past winners Jay and MANGO!!! Oh Mango – how I miss your witty banter and your personality. And your Bryant Park show will forever be the BEST Project Runway presentation ever. He showed a CHICKEN GOWN, BITCHES!!!!!! In the dictionary under “Fierce”, there is a picture of Mango. I love that gay little grommet.

Heidi – being the German boozehound that she is, starts popping bottles of Champagne. Soon she and Stankley get into a heated discussion regarding boobie location and placement. Kenley is trying to “set Heidi straight”. Speaking of straight, horny Robert gets right over there as soon he heard Heidi say the word “boobs”. But then Robert asks Keith what sign he is, and I’m starting to think the stuffed animals in the museum next door better be careful – it seems like Robert will hump anything.

Mango decides to give Terri some free advice: lose the fur collar, you hot tranny mess – and stop using my phrase “up in here”. Mango is a giver. Terri acts like Mango doesn’t know what he’s talking about – but you know she's going to change it up tomorrow.

Drunk Heidi is now terrorizing Tango – calling his design “old women’s underwear”. Tango tells her that in the United States, we call them “Granny Panties”. Or, if you're Christian Siriano, it’s “Tranny Panties”.

The past designers vote on the winner – which will be announced after the runway show. The party rages on - and Daniel and Wesley slip away to have sex in the Solar System Exhibit - directly under Uranus. Ba dum bum!!

It's now runway day, and the designers have a little time to get their garments ready for the show. Kenley gingerly approaches her model and whispers: "Do you have any pads?". That explains her stank! Aunt Flo has come to town!! But then she explains that she needs some "pads" to stuff her models boobs (which she has adjusted - as per Heidi's drunken instructions). Nevermind. Joe remarks that Stankley's look is pure "Mickey Mouse" - but I thinks it's more "Cinderella's Evil Stepmother" - in Scotland.

Tim gathers everyone and herds them toward the runway show. Suddenly, Tim has his annual "What happened to Andrae?" moment when he realizes Keith isn't there. Tim find our morose Mormon sleeping in the lounge. I wonder is someone ELSE wasn't gentle with Keith last night - he certainly seems spent.

On the runway - ALL the designers are back to watch the show. We are introduced to the judges (Nina's back!) - and Francicsco Costa (from Calvin Klein) is the guest judge this week.

The models walk. Tango and Stella's garment is ridiculous - and it looks like Tango will be going back to Ratbones along with his partner Stella. Kenley's partner Wesley remarks that they "MAY have missed" with their "Cruella de Vil goes to Scotland" garment. That "No shit, Sherlock" file certainly is getting full.

JerHell's model indeed has a "Wild and Crazy Guy!" arrow on her head - continuing JerHell's tradition of ridiculous headwear.


Finally, Serial-Killer Jerry remarks that he is happy that Suede listened to his input. Suede isn't going to be happy when the judges start tearing that mess apart.

After the show, everyone is called back on the stage. Heidi asks for Korto, JerHell, Leanne, and Joe to step forward. One of them is the winner - but they want to deal with the Fugly's first. The potential winners go backstage and wait.

This leaves Terri, Suede, Tango, and a VERY unhappy Kenley left to face the judges. Here is a breakdown of some of the remarks:

Tango: "haphazard", "one-legged monster", "odd", "pooping fabric", "disaster", "joke". Tango should be free to tan any minute now.

Terri: "You guys should be perfect together", "My partner walked out on me", "Voodoo princess in Hell" (which made Terri's model crack up). "I really hated this outfit" (Nina). Things are not looking good for Miss Terri ... up in here.

Stankley: "Has nothing to do with the Zodiac". "You did what you wanted to do". Stankley yelling. "I don't look at collections!". Dear God. Hi, it's me David. Could you do me a favor? Could you have Kenley voted off Project Runway, so I don't have to listen to her nasally, whiny STANK anymore? See what you can do. K thx bai. Amen.

Suede: "Suede and Jerry chose Libra". "Boring, "self-delusion". "Suede didn't want to take it too crazy". Hi God - David again. I'm NOT going to pray for a neck-stabbing (I don't want to go to Hell) - but please consider at least a stubbed toe or an impacted molar for that annoying queen. Your kind help regarding this matter is greatly appreciated. Very truly yours, David. Amen.

Everyone is called back to the runway. And the winner is ... JerHell. Wait...what?!? Did you see the friggin ARROW on her head?!?!!! The former Project Runway designers who picked the winner were obviously drunk and obviously playing a joke on us. We've been punked by Mango!

Leanne, Korto and Joe are safe and leave the runway.

This leaves us with Kenley, Terri, Suede and Tango. Kenley is safe. All that praying for nothing.

Tango is out. He is "baffled", but the rest of us are not. His fellow designers hug him backstage, and generally seem sorry to see the Gay Little Grommet go home.

This leaves us with Suede and Terri. Please let it be Suede. Please let it be Suede. Please let it be Suede. Please let it be Suede. Please let it be Suede. Please let it be Suede. Please let it be Suede. Please let it be Suede...

Suede is ....... SAFE??!!?? OMG - Terri is out. There is going to be some cutting up in here!!! Please Terri - cut Suede first!!

Terri is "blindsided" - she always saw Bryant Park at the end of her Project Runway journey. And so did most of us.

There will be no more Terri ... up in here.


Next week - "Special ladies" ... Kenley won't listen ... and Jerhell wears shrubbery on his head. Till next time, bitches!!