Top Chef New York - Episode Two - Wiener Takes All

Last week on Top Chef, the military wife went home after being in NYC for 7 minutes, and Team Rainbow’s membership was reduced by 33 % when PocketGay Patrick was sent back to culinary school. And Stefan of Finland won everything they threw at him. Read my Episode One recap HERE.

It’s morning in Brooklyn (which doesn’t have the same ring as “Morning In Manhattan” like on Project Runway) and we are presented with a shirtless Jeff. No thank you. Richard The Pooh is a sad bear now that his little buddy Boo-Boo isn’t around to help steal pick-a-nick baskets. And Ariane is old. She said it, not me.

Stefan of Finland is feeling good about winning 100% of the competitions so far. He is obsessed with my Italian Stallion Fabio, and considers Fabio to be his biggest competition. It seems that when straight Stefan of Finland discusses Fabio, his face lights up and a Finnish twinkle appears in his eye. Dear Stefan: Fabio IS Dreamy, so I totally understand. But keep your hands off my man.

Dreamy Fabio tells us some story about Dragons and Princesses. I have no idea what he’s talking about, but Fabio certainly is pretty… He says something about taking home the Princess and I’m sure he’s talking about me. Now I know why Stefan’s eyes light up when he thinks about Dreamy Fabio.


QuickFire Challenge

Back at the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma welcomes the Cheftestants and introduces restaurateur Donatella Arpaia. From my experience, a “Restaurateur” is someone who can’t cook, but is willing to pay someone who can. And is also willing to pay for tables, chairs, kitchen equipment, etc. And since most restaurants don’t succeed, a “Restaurateur” can also be referred to as a “Sucker with Money to Burn”.

Padma tells everyone that the QuickFire this week will feature something that New Yorkers love and spend $100 million a year on (Crack? Antidepressants? Earplugs?). And for the first time ever, the Cheftestants will actually be competing against an “expert”.

At that precise moment, Susie Hot Dog rolls in with her Hot Dog Cart. Actually, its Angelina D’Angelo of Dominick’s & D’Angelo’s Hot Dog Truck in Queens. Angelina, it seems, is Queen of the Weenies.

The challenge will be to create a signature hot dog. I suggest a simple grilled wiener…

Fabio says: “I love hot dog. Do I know how make hot dog? No. I know how make sausage.” The word “to” never comes out of his perfect mouth – but I don’t care.

I don’t know how I’m supposed (to) take notes for my recap when Fabio is talking about (his) sausage. Did I mention that Fabio is DREAMY?!? Even Stefan thinks so…

Time begins, and the Cheftestants do the usual grab & growl. Ariane, who is old, hasn’t made a hot dog since she ran out of weenies at a July 4th cookout in 1954. Note to Ariane: the recipe hasn’t changed much. StraightBear Daniel, who grew up on Long Island, is EXTREMELY familiar with Angelina’s hot dog truck in neighboring Queens – as evidenced by these recent pictures.



Stefan of Finland puts everything but the kitchen sink into his “World Dog” (tarter sauce??), Jill cuts up some Oscar Meyer Wieners and wraps them up to serve “Asian style” (more like “Loser style"). Hosea isn’t happy with his lumpy, stubby, little short sausages. Quick – someone lie and tell him that “size doesn’t matter”.

Radhika – the Indian gal who has vowed not to get stereotyped as someone who only cooks Indian food, decides to do an “Indian Dog”. Natch.

UNTENSILS DOWN, HANDS UP BITCHES!!!!

Padma and Donatella stuff everyone’s wieners into their mouths (including Angelina’s), with the following results:

They likee:

Radhika’s Indian KebabDog – described as “moist” and “satisfying”

Dreamy Fabio’s Mediterranean Sausage. Fabio definitely knows how (to) make sausage.

Hosea’s short and stubby WonderWiener. Size DOESN’T matter???.

They no likee:

Jill’s Oscar Meyer SummerRollDog. She must not know “how make hot dog”, since she used store-bought wieners.

Stefan of Finland’s World Dog. Donatella wouldn’t travel down the block for Stefan’s wiener – let alone around the world. The Fabio-induced twinkle immediately fades from Stefan’s eye.

Radhika is the winner and has immunity. She will now be cooking EVERYTHING with an Indian-inspired twist. Which she was doing anyway.


Elimination Challenge

Padma informs the Cheftestants that for the Elimination Challenge, they will “open a Top Chef restaurant” and create a three-course “New American” lunch menu. They will be feeding 50 New Yorkers. The Cheftestants will break down into three groups: Appetizers, Entrees, and Desserts, and each chef will create his/her own dish.

After some yelling, screaming and general confusion – the teams separate:

Team Appetizer: Dreamy Fabio, The Lesbian® Jamie, Hosea, Princess Leah, and someone named “Melissa”. Where did she come from?

Team Entrée: Stefan of Finland, PapiAlex, Eugene, Jill, and “How’s the Hair?” Jeff.

Team Dessert: Ariane – who is old, Crazy Carla, Richard The Pooh, StraightBear Daniel, and Radhika – who has immunity.

They terrorize Whole Foods for 30 minutes of shopping, with $2500 total to spend.

Hosea, the “seafood guy”, buys canned crab meat for his crab salad. Why doesn’t he just buy some Bumble Bee Tuna and REALLY screw himself? Jill sees a great big Ostrich Egg, and thinks it will be “original” to do a quiche, “Flintstone’s style”. And Fabio, appropriately, is doing Beef Carpaccio, which is delicious raw beef. OMG – did you hear him pronounce the word “carpaccio”? Fabio is SO dreamy…

Back in the Top Chef kitchen, they begin two hours of prep. Jill can’t open her Dinosaur Egg – so Dreamy Fabio helps the Princess in Distress. Ariane – who is old – sounds like a tired Carmela Soprano after a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a Xanax. Ariane is doing a dessert – presumably for the sugar rush.

Chef Tom visits and makes some announcements. First of all, they will be cooking at Tom’s restaurant – Craft – tomorrow. And the “twist” this week is the fact that all the diners will be NYC chefs who tried out for Top Chef and didn’t make it. In other words, a bunch of bitter losers.

Carla predicts that this pack of losers will probably be “jealous” and “critical”. Thank you Miss Marple for solving that mystery.

That evening – back at the Brooklyn pad – Dreamy Fabio and Stefan of Finland are cuddling on the couch. Fabio is talking about dragons and princesses again – but I’m watching Stefan’s hands to make sure he’s not touching on my man. Back off, Straighty!!!

Princess Leah snuggles up to Hosea, saying she’s the type of gal who “likes to have a boyfriend.” That’s also called “horny 24/7” or a “whore”. Apparently Leah doesn’t mind that Hosea’s sausage was short and stumpy.

The next morning they all get up and head over to Craft. The Lesbian® is doing a cold corn coup – which Fabio says is “berry seemple” (very simple?). Fabio is doing something which involves olives and puree and chemistry and solid and liquid. Actually, I have no idea what he’s doing, but GOODNESS he sure looks Dreamy while doing it.

Hosea starts out by saying “so I get my crab out…” which was the same pickup line he uses on Horny Princess Leah – and IT WORKED. Carla is doing some kind of pastry. Her crust is “flaky” but “not perfect” and it’s “driving her crazy”. As my mother would say, I bet that’s a short trip.

Droopy Ariane – who is old – asks everyone to taste her dessert – and everyone lies and says it’s absolutely delish. And Jill finally figures out how to make quiche with her Brontosaurus eggs. Is it me, or does Jill seem extremely stoned?

The bitter Losers fill the restaurant, and immediately start talking restaurant crap. “Blah blah menu blah blah animal fat blah blah avocado blah blah which way to the restroom blah blah”. If I was one of the Cheftestants, I would have hung a banner that said “SUCK IT, Losers!”.

Chef Tom will expedite the service, and advises the chefs not to “double-dip” with their tasting spoons. At the exact same time, the Boobie Brigade (AKA Padma, Donatella, and Gail) enters and sits at the judges table.

Service begins with the appetizers. The judges likee The Lesbian’s® soup, and REALLY likee Dreamy Fabio’s dish – whatever it is. They no likee Hosea’s cold crab dish, which is described as “terrible”, “slimy”, and “muddy”. I guess Princess Leah isn’t that picky. They cut to one of the bitter New York Losers in the dining room who mumbles “I cudda dun way bedda den dis”. Gee, I wonder why he wasn’t selected??

Entrée’s are served, and the judges think Jill’s Stegosaurus Quiche tastes like “dog food” and/or “glue”. I don’t think it was one of their faves. “How’s My Hair?” Jeff is slowing up service of his Chicken & Chorizo dish. When Donatella finally gets her taste, she exclaims “Give me a good Chorizo and I’m happy!”. I’m right there with ya, sister.

It’s dessert time! Radhika has made “Crap In a Cup” (Indian-style, natch) – but it doesn’t matter since she has immunity. Carla has made an apple tart that the judges likee, and Ariane – who is old – serves up “Sugar Surprise” which makes Padma gag and spit into her napkin. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that is a good sign.

At the end of service, Tom tastes everything back in the kitchen before joining the Boobie Brigade in the dining room. And the bitter Top Chef LoserDiners hand in their tear-stained comment cards and go home to their shattered dreams.

Chef Tom voices his displeasure at the Cheftestant’s take on “New American” cuisine. But he could just be pissed because he had to work during service and couldn’t hang with the Boobie Brigade.

The Cheftestants hang out in the way-too-undramatic Not-So-Glad Storage Room – and Chef Tom calls The Lesbian®, Hosea, Ariane, Fabio, Carla, and Jill to appear before the judges table. Wait, isn’t that Padma’s job? It’s not like she’s busy doing other stuff…

The judges talk to the Cheftestants. When they get to Dreamy Fabio, he immediately begins defending his dish – saying it is a “beeg success” at his California restaurant and sells well and he has no idea why they don’t like it. Padma informs him to cool his tool – they DO like it. “Oh, dat’s good!”, he replies, smiling. OMG – FABIO IS SO DREAMY……… And now the Judges think so too. WATCH YOURSELVES Boobie Brigade – I WILL cut a bitch if you try and lay a hand on my man.

They also likee Jamie’s cold corn puree, which seems to REALLY make Gail and her Boobies perk up. Wait, is Gail flirting with The Lesbian®? Well, at least I won’t have to worry about Gail getting all up in Fabio’s grill (so to speak).

Donatella pronounces Fabio to be the winner (back off Cougar!!) and he exclaims something in Italian that’s even sexier than his story about Dragons and Princesses. Carla, Jamie and Dreamy Fabio return to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room where straight Stefan of Finland greets Fabio with a kiss. That BETTER be some kind of European thing…

We are left with the “No Likee” group – Hosea, Sleepy Ariane (who is old), and Jill Flintstone. Hosea is shocked … SHOCKED … to be in the loser group.. Unfortunately, the judges are not. Ariane – who is old – is informed that Padma spit (and did not swallow) her dessert and that’s all I’m going to say.

But the best is when Gail and her Boobies ask Jill to defend her dish, and how Jill will improve next time. Here is Jill’s dumbass response:

As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there, they are right next to our state.

Or something to that effect.

The judges deliberate, then call the three losers back in front of the Judge’s Table. Jill is told to pack her knives and go. Jill is surprised that it wasn’t Old Ariane who was sent home. You know, with the whole spitting situation and all. Ariane cries as if SHE is going home – perhaps preparing for her departure next week.

Jill will head back to the town of Bedrock and continue cooking Pterodactyl Omelets at the Hard Stone Café. Yabba Dabba Dooooo!!!!!!

Next week on Top Chef: Thanksgiving! Foo Fighters! Spit on a Plate!! It rains on Dreamy Fabio’s Tiramisu!!!