Top Chef New York - Episode Five: "Let's Get Pickled!"

On last week’s Top Chef, Papi Alex was sent home to his fiancée, and Ariane didn’t make Kathie Lee Gifford gag – so she won. Read my “Cliff Notes” version of a recap HERE.


It’s morning in NYC, and the Cheftestants are getting ready for more competition. Ariane, fresh off her latest win, decides to sweep the apartment instead of noisily eating and showing us the half-chewed food in her mouth. Thanks for that.

Jamie The Lesbian shows some of the gals a stuffed rabbit that Stefan Of Finland has given her – complete with homemade potholder pants. It must be some kind of Finnish thing to trick lesbians into turn straight. It doesn’t seem to be working.

Stefan admits Jamie is “sexy” – even though I think he realizes he is barking up the wrong tree. In the wrong forest. On the wrong planet. It doesn’t matter – Stefan likee the lesbian.

Quickfire Challenge:

The chefs enter the Top Chef Kitchen to find Padma standing alone. She informs them that there is no guest judge for this challenge – they will be doing the tasting themselves. This is the “Identify That Ingredient” challenge.

They all draw knives and will compete head-to-head against one other chef. Each pair will taste a sauce at the same time – and then declare how many ingredients in that sauce they can identify – Name That Tune-style. They will try and “out-bid” each other until one of them tells the other to “name those ingredients”. Speaking of Name That Tune – did you know that easy-to-gag Kathie Lee was the SongHo from that show?...

Anywhoo, the first pair is Hosea “The Hose” versus StraightBear Danny. Hosea claims that Danny actually has a brain, but thus far there has been no evidence to back up this claim. Danny feels “like a Winnah” today. Unfortunately he is “a Loosah” and The Hose moves to the next round.

The other key match-up is Stefan Of Finland vs. his Lesbian Lovergirl Jamie. She calls him an “asshole” and a “button-pusher”. I think she’s starting to fall for him – those are the kinds of words I use when I’m digging a dude. But maybe it’s different for Lesbians and Europeans. Stefan wins, which only pisses Jamie off even more. Or maybe it turns her on – I can’t tell.

We go to Round 2, and The Hose and Stefan Of Finland are still showing strong. Leah is now referring to Stefan as an “asshole”. Jamie better keep an eye on her man, or Horny Leah will be getting those stuffed rabbits with the fancy pants soon. After all, Leah is already getting The Hose…

Finally, we get to the Speed Round. Good, because this crap is dragging. It has come down to Carla, Stefan, and Hosea. Carla’s Spirit Guides tell her there is Peanut Butter in the Mexican Mole Sauce – and she is out. She apparently thought that this was the Reese’s “YOU GOT PEANUT BUTTER IN MY CHOCOLATE!” challenge – but Reese’s is NEXT WEEK’s sponsor. It’s hard to keep track, I know.

Eventually The Hose wins the Quickfire (and immunity) – and Stefan looks pissed. Hosea can forget about getting a stuffed Finnish rabbit – that’s for sure.

Elimination Challenge:

The Cheftestants draw knives again, which reveal the words “Old”, “New”, “Borrowed”, or “Blue”. Obviously, it’s a wedding theme – and Padma reveals that she is throwing a wedding shower for a “very dear friend”. This friend, it turns out, is judge Gail Simmons … and Gail's Boobies.

Gail and her Boobies greet the Chefs – and she tells them that they will cater her Bridal Shower tomorrow. Gail gives them the 411 on the other guests – they are not the kind of gals who ask for sauce on the side. They like the sauce. Gail seems to like the sauce as well. Many of these ladies will be from Food & Wine magazine – so they are all used to eating the finest cuisine, free of charge. And hitting the sauce hard.

Danny is “pumped” about this challenge – and thinks Gail will be a “hot bride”. Yeah, that sounds like it came from a guy with a brain. Jamie is immediately turned off by the implied heterosexuality of a Bridal Shower – which she is unfamiliar with. She should try to focus on the hot babes – like Danny.

The chefs get together to plan their courses. Team Borrowed (Jamie/Radhika/Ariane) will “borrow” an Indian dish from Radhika’s culture. As always, Radhika expresses her concern over being a one-note (Indian) wonder – but then decides to do Indian anyway. At least she’s consistent.

Team Blue (Fabio/Melissa/Leah) is trying to think of food that is blue – to which Fabio declares “Dare is no any friggin’ blue fud”. Team New (Danny/Carla/Eugene) should be called “Team Screwed” when Danny makes the quote of the night:

“When I think of new – I think of pickled.” WTF?!?! “New” equals “Pickled”??? Again – where is this “brain” Hosea mentioned?? According to THIS, it is believed that the ancient Mesopotamians pickled back in 2400 B.C. Yeah, I guess something that is more than 4000 years old is relatively “new”.

But Danny also says that “Gail likes pickled”. I think he just left out two little words: “to” and “get” – as in “Gail likes TO GET pickled”. Now THAT I can believe.

After all this, Team New/Screwed/Doomed decides to do a “Surf & Turf Sushi Roll”. Carla is “concerned”. Dearest Carla – if your Spirit Guides aren’t screaming at you to run for your life right now, then you need to find yourself some new voices for your head.

Team Old (Stefan, Hosea, and Jeff) spend their time bickering about tomatoes. Everyone seems to whine that Stefan is a bully and bossy and an “asshole” – but no one seems to say anything to his face. Is Stefan getting the “Villain edit” from the producers to make things more interesting?? Last season we had Spike and Andrew and Lisa and Dale who were obvious dickwads – and they were so bad that the others sometimes got into fights with them. No one seems to really fight with Stefan – so I’m thinking this is more of a producer thing than a reality thing. Besides, Stefan gives rabbits to Lesbians – he can’t be all bad, can he?

Then Stefan proceeds to say that Jeff “has no friggin clue” and calls Hosea “Douche Boy” … OK, maybe Stefan IS an ass…

Time for shopping at Whole Foods. The highlight of this is Crazy Carla – who has lost her teammates. She starts shouting “Hootie!” … and then waits for a response. She informs us that when she is shopping with her husband and they get separated, one will shout “Hootie”, and the other will shout “Hoo!” in response. This is how they find each other. Carla seems confused that her teammates aren’t responding to her “Hootie” calls. Um, maybe because your husband is back at home and your teammates don’t know how to play this game. I’m convinced that Carla doesn’t need Spirit Guides, she needs a Spirit Psychiatrist.

After shopping, the Cheftestants return to the Top Chef Kitchen for 2 ½ hours of prep.

Team Borrowed Indian is doing Lamb Chops, and Ariane instructs her teammates to “clean it, French it, and marinate it”. I suggest they also smack it up, flip it, and rub it down. Team Blue has decided to use the blue ocean for inspiration, so they will do a fish dish. Team Newly Screwed has overcooked their sushi rice, but sushi Chef Gene has a few “techniques” to save it. Nothing says “fancy bridal shower” like bad food that has been “saved”.

Tom visits the kitchen and checks in with the teams. The look on his face when Team Pickled and Screwed tells him about their dish is priceless. It is very “whatchootalkinboutwillis”-esque.

That night, back at the apartment, Team New has a “brainstorm”. But don’t you need to have a brain first? They decide to change their dish to a “Build Your Own Sushi” plate. I hope it comes with unlimited salad and breadsticks because sushi doesn’t really fill you up. Danny, who is lifting weights nearby, smiles and nods happily. He thinks this is the bestest, most smartest idear evah.

Later that night, they show Stefan, with beer in hand, on Jamie’s bed begging for a kiss. Hey, it’s the LEAST she could do for that cute rabbit. But Carla is also on the bed for some reason, and she is TOTALLY you-know-what blocking Stefan’s efforts. Damn those lesbian-saving Spirit Guides! We also find out that Leah has a boyfriend and Hosea has a girlfriend. That will probably change once they see the show.

The Cheftestants head over to the event space – 24 Fifth Avenue. The ladies sit down at one long, elegant table and the shower luncheon begins. Padma introduces the guest judge Dana Cowin – Editor-In-Chief of Food & Wine magazine – and Gail’s boss.

Back in the kitchen, Chef Tom has appeared – saying he wasn’t allowed to hang with the girls so they made him stay in the kitchen. Fabio says this makes him nervous – like if Fabio was a Priest, and Tom was the Pope. Or if Tom was a Priest, and Fabio was an Altar Boy. Sorry, that was too easy.

First course – Team New. Stefan doesn’t think Jeff’s sorbet is sexy. Sexy for food, or sexy like a Lesbian?? Anywhoo, a shaking Hosea, Jeff, and Stefan serve their Tomato Trio. The ladies seem to likee the unsexy sorbet the most.

Second course – Team New. Right before service, Danny with the Brain decides to add a “surprise” to Carla’s salad – some mushrooms. Carla doesn’t know about this – so they show a few mandatory shots of Carla with her eyes bugging out of her head. Danny describes the many elements of their dish as “a little dab of dis – a little splooge of dat”. Excuse me waiter, can I get mine with the splooge of dat on the side? Thanks. Danny thinks the ladies are going to love his dish so much, “dare gonna take dare clothes off”. Cause dats what da broads do when dey eats his food. Unfortunately, Danny’s “brain” (and his sploogy cuisine) don’t live up to the hype – the guests seem to HATE it and the ladies stays clothed. Furthermore, Eugene fails to give instructions on how to make their own sushi. EPIC FAIL.

Third course – Team Borrowed. After nervously watching the lamb chops cook to the proper temperature – the Indian-inspired dish goes out to the ladies and gets rave reviews. They REALLY likee the lamb.

Finally, we have Team Blue. Melissa (Remember her? Me neither.) and Leah want Fabio to lay on the broken-English Italian charm – and it works. Seriously – these women are literally “oooohhhhing” and “aaaahhhhing” at everything Fabio says. Unfortunately, once Fabio heads back into the kitchen the spell is broken and the women aren’t too thrilled with the fish dish.

At the end of the luncheon, Gail thanks Padma and her guests for coming – and the chefs head back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Wait, where are the Strippers??? This is a Bridal Shower, right??? Those Boobies deserve a lap dance!!

Padma calls Team Old (The Hose, Stefan, PrettyBoy Jeff) and Team Borrowed (Radhika, Jamie, Leah) to appear before the judges. These are the winning teams. Jeff is singled out for his sorbet. Cue Stefan, looking pissed.

Team Borrowed really knocked their lamb dish out of the park – especially Jamie (who did the sauce/puree) and Ariane (who cooked the lamb itself). Jamie – who is consistently near the top, but has yet to win anything – whispers “I want this win” before Ariane is announced the winner. Cue Jamie, looking pissed. Ariane is as shocked as anyone – and wins some sponsor-cookware-electronics crap.

Jamie states that she’s “always a bridesmaid, and never the bride”. And if conservatives (and the Mormon church) have their way, that will always be the case. Fight the Hate!

The two loser teams are called in. Team Blue is admonished for “boring old-people food”, but next to Team Doomed they seemed like superstars. Fabio, Leah, and someone named Melissa are clearly safe. Eugene, Danny, or Carla will be going home.

Gene and Carla both express unhappiness with the way the dish turned out – but Danny claims that he was “unbelievably happy” about the dish – and still is. He is just unbelievably stupid. Eugene admits to trying to salvage bad rice, and Carla basically keeps her mouth shut. But dumbass Danny still thinks those ladies should have taken their clothes off after eating that mess.

Even though Chef Tom says all three should go home – Danny and his “brain” are sent back to Long Island. Danny claims the judges “didn’t get” what he was trying to do – which apparently was trying to get women naked through cooking. Maybe he should have tried a stuffed rabbit with potholder pants instead…


Next week – OMG, it’s Martha Stewart!!!!!