Design Star Episode One - Don't Forget To Eat!

It's time for another season of Design Star - the reality competition show about Interior Decorating with an alarming lack of flaming homosexuality. Don't worry, I’ll try to "gay it up" enough to make it acceptable to you - my lovely readers.

This year, Design Star is based in Hollywood, and last night we met the "Desecrators" one-by-one. After ten people arrive at a gorgeous Hollywood home, host Clive Pearse greets everyone and explains that the Designtestants themselves will be selecting the 11th cast member - out of three possible finalists.

The three hopefuls are asked questions from the Designtestants, and each potential cast member talks about their "can-do" attitudes and their "bag of tricks". My question would have been simple: "Which one of you has no talent and doesn't snore?". Seems like a no-brainer to me. Tori, the chick from Houston, is selected as the 11th contestant (because she has no talent and doesn’t snore?) - and the competition begins.

Clive reminds the Designtestants that they’ll be competing for their own show on HGTV. For some reason, this prospect absolutely THRILLS them. Clive also tells them of some changes for this season – HGTV stars Candice Olsen and Genevieve Gorder will be joining Vern Yip as Judges. Considering I can’t remember who Candice and Genevieve replaced, this is probably a good move.

The other big change this season will be that the JUDGES (not the public) will select the winner this year.

Clive informs the Designtestants that the home they are standing in will be where they'll work and live this season – and the first challenge will be to furnish/decorate three bedrooms, the living room, and the dining room. They will have 32 hours spread out over 4 days to complete their tasks – and they have $50,000 to get the job done. They discuss amongst themselves and divvy up the rooms, tasks and money.

Here is how it shakes down.

Dining Room: Dan (cute) and Nate (kinda cute). Considering the fact that these guys are decorators, there’s a good chance one or both of them is gay. But in true HGTV Design Star fashion, we’re not 100% sure – and nobody talks about it (remember Mikey V from last season?!?). So this seems like the perfect time to gay things up a little bit …

That outta do the trick.

Master Bedroom: Tashica and NataLee. They are VERY “high energy” and do a lot of high-fiving.


Living Room: It is huge, so three people will work on it. First of all, we have Antonio who is obviously straight – I’ll try not to it hold against him – and obviously loves going to the Tattoo Parlor. Next is Amy – who comes from a long tradition of bland reality TV white girls who I can’t tell apart. And finally we have Lonni, who immediately states that she owns her own design firm and “has people” to do all the physical stuff for her. Yeah, she’s THAT biatch.

Bedroom #2: Jason and Jen. As they are checking out the room and discussing what to do, Jason gives us our first gay “fabulous”.


No that’s not his picture, but Jason is just as gay as that (if not more so). One problem: I could have sworn that Jason entered the house wearing a Member’s Only Jacket. I’m sorry Gayson, but the only person who correctly rocks the M.O. is Rosario from Will & Grace…


Finally, Bedroom #3 features Jany and Tori. These two are so memorable that I’ve already forgotten who they were or what they look like. I hope they don’t win so I don’t have to figure it out.

Money is distributed based on square footage, and the partners start discussing their ideas. Tattooed Antonio mentions painting something pink for the living room, while Lonnie gives him the disapproving side-eye. Tashica and NataLee do a lot of high-fiving, but don’t seem to get much else done. The Ambiguously Gay Duo (Dan and Nate) seem to have their act together and are working well together.


Day One is over, and Day Two begins. In the Living Room, the gals go shopping, leaving Antonio to paint. Design Firm Owner (and physical labor hater) Lonni remarks that “Amy and I are the Shoppers, and Antonio is the hired help”. She’s getting him confused with all the “Antonio’s” she’s picked up in the Home Depot parking lot to remove drywall and mow her yard. When the “Shoppers” return, Lonni and Antonio butt heads over how to hang wallpaper. “You wanna do it?”, Antonio keeps asking. I think we all know the answer to that question is a stank “No, thank you”.

Ambiguously Gay Dan is MAKING his own dining room table – without the help of anyone named “Antonio” (note to Lonni – it CAN be done). Tashica and NataLee continue to high-five in the Master Bedroom – but not much else. And Gayson and Jen (who is one of only 150 “Color Designers” in the US – smell huh!) are tongue-kissing faux wooden taxidermy heads for some reason.

Day Two is over, and Day Three begins. Antonio would like to paint some wooden ducks for the Living Room wall a bright pink. Again with the pink! Are we SURE he’s straight? And again, Lonni gives him the disapproving sideways stank eye.

Over in the Master Bedroom, all that high-fiving has finally taken its toll on Natalee – who almost passes out at the end of the day. She feels “physically drained”, but the bottom line is the fact that the skinny biatch didn’t eat. For long-time DavidDust readers, you know how I feel about people who skip meals – especially those skinny Ho’s who “forget” to eat.

Finally, it’s Day Four. The Designtestants will have 2 hours to finish up. Everything seems to come together nicely, EXCEPT for in the Master Bedroom. NataLee is feeling better, but she and Tashica have spent the entire four days high-fiving and sloppily taping floors, and now they only have a couple of hours to pull it together. BTW, they’re idea of “pulling it together” is duct-taping fabric onto the headboards, ripping duvets in half (they couldn’t find twin size), and TAPING curtains to the ceiling. Vern Yip will certainly NOT forget to eat them for breakfast…

Speaking of Vern, it’s time for the judging. First up is the Living Room and the Ambiguously Gay (and vaguely cute) Dan and Nate. The judges likee the contrast of the bold wall/floor mural with the plain wooden planks.

Next up is the hot mess of a Master Bedroom. Vern wanted to know if they spent all the money and Candice is embarrassed for them. They reply that they had grand plans, but didn’t have enough time to execute said plans because it takes a lot of time and energy to high-five every ten seconds.

They discuss Bedroom Two next. Gayson and Jen explain that their inspirations was “A Writer for National Geographic who was a collector” – which literally makes Vern LOL. “We stepped out of the box”, Gayson tries to explain, to which Vern replies “WAY out!”. The High Five Sisters may have been just been saved by overpriced Astroturf and wrong-sized chairs. But seriously, I don’t think even HGTV would send home the only obvious Queen during Week One. And btw, Jason used one of those uber-gay words while talking to the judges … “cocktail”. Ladies, if your husband refers to drinky-drinks as “cocktails”, you may want to check his credit card statement for any charges from Manhunt.net. Just saying.

Next we have Bedroom Three. The judges think it’s kinda “blah”, but at least the curtains aren’t taped to the ceiling.

Finally, the Judges discuss the Living Room. Vern immediately wants to know who painted the wooden ducks pink, and Lonni is READY to throw Manual Laborer Antonio under the bus. Antonio admits it was his idea to pinken the ducks – to which Vern responds that it was an EXCELLENT idea. Lonni’s expression is now a JEALOUS sidestankeye.

The Designtestants go backstage to await the judging. After the Judges discuss, the designers are called back out, and the results are announced…

Teams Living Room (Antonio, Lonni, Some White Girl) and Dining Room (the maybe-gays) were the best this week – and are safe. Team Bedroom Three (Torie and Jany – whoever THEY are) are also safe.

This leaves Gay Jason, Color Designer Jen, and the High Fivers – Tashica and NataLee. In the end, malnourished Natalee’s show is cancelled and the rest are safe. Now go eat a cheeseburger NataLee, and stop bitching about feeling sick…


Next week … kitchens are destroyed.