Project Runway 9 Ep. 3 - "I'm Sort Of Freaking Out"

I missed last week’s episode of Project Runway - which kinda bummed me out. I'm upset because last week was the “Unconventional Materials” challenge – which sent the designers into Petland Discounts where I buy my kitty her favorite toys. Not only did I miss an always-entertaining episode, but no-one used Dusty's favorite plastic lattice balls as jewelry. Poor kitty is devastated ... 

Anywhore – the winner last week was the blond Asian kid with an accent like Martin Short’s character in Father of the Bride. 

He’s from OHIO, you know. No, not Franck Eggelhoffer (above) – but the blond Asian kid with the funny accent. 

Unfortunately, the definitely-bald-maybe-crazy-very-possibly-non-hetero Mormon ended up being sent home. I say “unfortunately” because homeboy would have made for excellent recap comedy fodder. 

OK … now onto this week. It is morning in Manhattan, and the producers seem to be focusing on two Fashiontestants: Fallene (who was named after her father’s favorite truck stop waitress) and Bert (who was named after an uptight gay Muppet). 

Off they go to the runway, where the designers are greeted by Heidi … on stilts. Okaaaaaaay…??? Heidi introduces the models for this week - the fabled Stilt Walkers from the planet Mamalonglegs. 

This week the Fashiontestants will be designing outfits for these long-legged aliens – and they’ll be doing so in teams of two. And the runway show will be outside. In front of real people. And cameras. And press. Also, a Kardashian will be there - hogging up the aforementioned cameras and press, no doubt.

Here's how the teams shake down: 

Team Snippy Queen, Party of Two – Bert and Victor 

Team Suzanne Sugarbaker – Anthony and Laura 

Team L’Oreal vs. Au Naturel – Josh and Julie 

Team White Girl – White Girl #1 and White Girl #2 (Do I really have to remember their names?) 

Team Non-Specific Accent – Anya and Olivier 

Team Diff’rent Strokes – Kimberly and Becky 

Team Run For Your Lives You’re Doomed – Bryce and Fallene 

Basically, everyone hates his/her teammates except for Anya and Olivier – presumably because they’re both vaguely foreign and unnaturally attractive. Those types tend to stick together. 

Everyone heads back to the workroom, where they are greeted by Tim Gunn and the alien models. The teams discuss their designs, and it becomes apparent that Bert and Viktor are just NOT going to get along. Furthermore, Bert reveals himself to be one of those know-it-all Queens who corrects you when you flub a Bette Davis movie quote down at the Piano Bar. But cha ARE Blanche… 

Anywhore – Bert and Viktor go back and forth as to whether or not Queen Victoria wore pants and/or if Mae West was in mourning for 50 years while ruling England (or somesuch). Basically, these two will either come up with something gay and magic - or gay and tragic. 

Time to go to Mood for a 30 minute, $300 Fabric Flurry. Thank you Mood! 

Back in the workroom, the Fashiontestants have until 9:00 pm to come up with their long-legged designs. And already Viktor hates Bert’s fabric choices (specifically) and Bert hates Viktor (in general). Their design seems to be headed in a “If Carnival Cruise Ships Had Bordellos” kind of direction.  

Josh and Julie have decided upon a Matador theme. Anthony and Laura are doing an “Old Alabama Plantation Gal” (hopefully without her Mammy) outfit. Anya & Olivier are doing something non-specific (like their accents) yet gorgeous (like their faces, damn them). Bryce and Fallene are working with a “Black and Tragic” (as opposed to gay and tragic) theme. The White Girls have gone all “Valley of the Dolls” – as white girls sometimes do. And Kimberly hates the way Becky stares. 

Tim visits the workroom – liking Josh & Julie’s Gay Matador and the White Girls Desperately Tall Housewife thingy. And, although Tim doesn’t say it, he also likes Anya and Olivier’s design, because Anya and Olivier are pretty and pretty people always get everything they want, forever.

On the other hand, Tim is scared to death when confronted with the bitchery that is wafting over from Team Snippy Queen (Bert & Viktor). Poor Tim looks like he remembers Bert’s drunken Piano Bar diatribes from back in the day ("MILDRED PIERCE WAS THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE!! ... PLAY SOME DONNA SUMMER!!!") – and can’t wait to get the hell away from them. 

Side Note: My apologies, but at this point my roommate and I were forced to have an urgent discussion regarding the rent (it still ain’t paid) – so my notes are as sketchy as my bank account at this point.

Anywhore, Fallene – whose favorite phrase is “I’m sort of freaking out” – is sort of freaking out because she can’t do a simple thing like make a bodice for an Amazon Stilt-Walker from the planet Mamalonglegs. Gah! – what’s her problem?? Bryce is freaking out too, because Fallene (who is a hairdresser by trade) doesn’t know how to sew. Which, come to think of it, IS sort of a problem. 

Time for hair and makeup. The White Girl’s ‘Valley of the Very Tall Dolls’ hair ends up something like this... 

... except theirs isn't nearly as fresh and modern as the hairdo above.

The designers head to Battery Park, where the public, press, judges, and Kim Kardashian await. Backstage, Fallene is “sort of freaking out” – so Tim comforts her. Tim tells Fallene that she’ll be fine, and now I’m sort of freaking out because Tim Gunn just lied through his teeth. 

Heidi introduces the judges and they start one of the most bizarre runways shows in Project Runway history. Basically the designers have created garments with either a really long skirt or pants – but at the top the outfits are normal. Which makes the whole “Stilt Walkers” thing kind of useless. Anywhore - it's just weird.

After the show, everyone heads back to Parsons. Heidi announces that Olivier and Anya are pretty safe, and can go backstage. 

The top three teams are Team Anthony & Laura, Team White Girl, and Team Kimberly & Becky. The other 6 bitches are on the bottom. 

The judges talk to the top teams first. During this time, we find out the shocking and unsettling truth: Kim Kardashian likes bling. Also: someone still uses the term "bling". I'll alert the media... 

Then they talk to the bottom six. The highlight of this portion of the show was when Michael Kors tells Bert & Viktor that their fabric resembled the wallpaper at his bar mitzvah catering hall. Bert and Viktor proceed to throw each other under the bus for five minutes until Heidi recited the magic words: “Judy Garland Barbra Streisand Bette Cher Madonna”, which – if uttered correctly – can shut up even the most raging of Queens. It forces our brains to contemplate which is the best Diva – which can take up to 95% of our mental capacity (requiring our vocal cords to shut down).  Look it up if you don't believe me.

Anywhore – the judges hate Josh and Julie’s Gay Matador Circus Clown - but you can tell they REALLY hate Bryce and Fallene's Black Swan Flake... 

The judges discuss and it’s time for the results. Team Suzanne Sugarbaker – Anthony and Laura – are the top team, and Laura is announced as the winner. She will have immunity next week. This means that The White Girls (see, I DIDN’T have to learn their names) and Becky & Kimberly are safe. 

Josh and Julie are safe 

Bert is in. After all, an old Queen never dies – she just goes into mourning for 50 years. 

Bryce is in. 

This leaves Viktor and Fallene. And, although she doesn’t say it, I would imagine that Fallene is “sort of freaking out right now”. 

As well she should be – because Fallene gets sent back to the hair salon she calls "Home". Who knows, maybe Shear Genius will return and we'll see her again.

Next week: These poor Ho’s are making outfits for Nina Garcia. Oh Here Go Hell Come… 

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