Project Runway 9 - Ep. 9 - The (Fat) Boys In The Band

Last week on Project Runway, Bryce was sent packing and I’ve already forgotten everything about him. Except for what he looked like… 

Also last week, it was revealed that Olivier is a rabid size queen sizeist – and hates fat people. And by “fat people”, I’m referring to anyone with a waist size over 28 inches. SPOILER ALERT: As a “Person of Size” (also known as a “Lard Ass”) this truly offended me. So I might just hafta throw some stank at the precious Miss Olivier during this recap. Stay tuned… 

Anywhore… on this week’s episode, the designers get themselves together and meet Heidi on the runway for the pointless “hint” at what the challenge might be. Heidi tells them “image is everything” and sends them to a Manhattan music venue to meet Tim. Whatevs. 

At Rockwood Music Hall the designers are greeted by Tim Gunn and the Garnier Hair Queen. We find out two things: 

1) This is the “Garnier Challenge”, meaning that this episode will be a 90 minute commercial for hair care products. And later, if Project Runway history is any indication, hair will be completely ignored during the judging. 

2) This will be a “group challenge”. Except for the fact that everyone will be judged individually and there doesn’t have to be any cohesion within the group. Which sounds like the exact OPPOSITE of a group challenge, if you ask me. 

We also find out that the designers will be creating a look for an up-and-coming band – the Sheepdogs – and the winning look will be featured in Marie Claire and Rolling Stone. 

Teams are chosen via the Magical Velvet Bag©: 

Team Harmony: 

Bert, Laura, Anthony-Ryan and Anya 

Team Untitled: 

Olivier, Viktor, Kimberly and Joshua 

The Sheepdogs come onstage to perform, and they look … um … kinda like Sheepdogs, akshully. 

We later find out the guys have the personalities of Sheepdogs also – fluffy and loveable. And you can dress them up and they won’t bite you!

The Sheepdogs play a song – which is much much too loud for Olivier’s sensitive euroeardrums. Either that, or Olivier was simply recoiling at the fact that these guys are enormously obese. And by “obese” I mean “totally normal” (unless you’re a damn dirty sizeist like Olivier). Did I mention that Olivier annoys me and offends me at the same time??? I did???? Sorry. 

Each Sheepdog will be dressed by one person from each of the two teams. The teams-which-aren’t-really-teams meet and decide who is designing for whom: 

Bert and Olivier pick Ewan, the lead singer. Ewan is over six feet tall and is actually pretty hot. However Olivier is simply horrified at the sheer size of the man. OMG – he might even have a 38 inch waist!!!!! Where will Olivier be able to find that much fabric to cover this entire Jabba-The-Hutt-esque monstrosity?!? Did they stock up at Mood??? JUST LOOK AT HIM!!!...

Laura and Viktor pick Leot, who looks like Santino Rice – if Santino Rice still had real hair on his head. And since Santino google’s himself regularly, I expect to receive another (yes ANOTHER) Twitter rant directed at me and my “lame” (his words) sense of humor. I’m rather looking forward to it, akshully. 

Kimberly and Anya pick Sam, the drummer. Sam likes Caftans. Sam is not gay. Who da thunkit? 

Finally, Anthony-Ryan and Joshua pick Ryan – who I don’t remember much about at all. But then again, I am fat and lame and apparently forgetful. 

The designers go to Mood and then back to the workroom to begin their designs. Highlights/Lowlights: 

1) Olivier won’t stop complaining that Ewan is so much bigger than the mannequin. He even refers to Ewan as “massive”! I wish someone would drop Olivier into a Denny’s so he could see the people ordering the Mac ‘n Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt. 

2) Josh gives us a (hairy) Booty Show while trying on the jeans he was making. Talk about Sheepdogs… 

Day #1 ends and #2 begins with a Tim Gunn/Sheepdog visit to the workroom. Highlights/lowlights: 

1) Bert is making a hippy “blouse” for Ewan. Bert should have picked the caftan kid – I bet Bert can whip up a caftan like I can whip up a couple trays of Chicken Enchiladas. 

2) Josh is afraid that his design might be a little “too gay” for this straight Sheepdog. Guuurrrrl, you’re too gay for Sunday Tea Dance on Fire Island – that rainbow-colored ship has sailed, hunty. Also, Josh “primarily sells to gay men” {{{side eye}}} Mmmm hmmmm… 

3) Olivier mentions Ewan’s size at least four different times during the consultation. And then later, Olivier refers to his client as “plus size”. REALLY?!? Listen you little twerp, if I was a cruel person I’d say you have a horrible die job and an even worse fake accent. But I’m a bigger person than that. Get it? BIGGER??? Oh nevermind… 

Day #2 ends and Runway Day with a Sheepdog fitting before their runway performance. The band will perform two songs, wearing designs from each of the two teams. 

Highlights/Lowlights: 

1) Kimberly thinks Sam’s butt looks “yummy” – but I think her outfit looks like the uniform at Church’s Fried Chicken. Circa 1978... 

2) Olivier keeps Ewan sitting in his underwear for an hour while he sews at the last minute. Ewan suggests that he might have to go onstage naked. I have no problem with that… 

On the runway, Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Friggin Garcia, and out gay rocker Adam Lambert. 

The Sheepdogs rock out and it’s time for the judging. 

They Likee: 

1) Bert/Ewan. Hippie chic.  

2) Viktor/Leot. Viktor created an amazing fringed jacket that the judges love. 

3) Joshua/Ryan. It seems Adam Lambert REALLY liked Josh … er … Josh’s DESIGN. Adam obviously has never seen Joshua’s sheepdog-hairy butt.

The judges No Likee: 

1) Anya/Sam. Nina Friggin Garcia calls it “Pocahontas”. Michael Kors calls it “Reggae Jesus”. Everyone else just calls it “ugly”. 

2) Olivier/Ewan. AGAIN, Olivier mentions on the runway that Ewan is bigger than a 16 year-old female model and at this point I want to throw things at my TV. But the only items nearby are edible and a “plus sized” person NEVER wastes food. Serenity now … serenity now… 

3) Kimberly/Sam. Poor Sam can’t catch a break. Michael Kors nails it with “Peter Brady at an Autumn Harvest”. 

The judges discuss and it’s time for the results. Victor is the winner: 

Bert, Laura, Anthony-Ryan, Joshua and Anya are in. Leaving Kimberly and Olivier as the bottom two. 

At this point I’m thinking that Kimberly will be sent home so Olivier can continue to spout off about fat people. But the judges do the right thing and send Olivier back to his fantasy world of tic-tac lunches and size zero models. Good riddance. 

I hope he gets fat. 

Project Runway 9 - Ep. 8 -"Time To Go Home ... Alone"

Unfortunately I’m suffering from an extreme case of Writer’s Block and can’t seem to get my usual as-it-happened, narrative-style recap down on paper. Therefore, we are going to “Plan B” – with “B” standing for “Bullet Points”… 

• Bryce was the first person to speak this week – stating that he’s never won a challenge before. Immediately I knew he would be going home. 

• After last week’s histrionics, Josh Eyebrows is now “in a much better place’. Question: Is Purgatory a better place than Hell?? Just asking… 

• Speaking of Eyebrows, he is “intimidated” by large waistlines. Similarly, I am intimidated by over-made-up Queens with no “OFF” switch. And by “am intimidated by” I mean “intensely dislike”. 

• Seriously, to hear some of the designers (especially Olivier) talk, the boyfriends/husbands were a bunch of Dom Deluise’s or Jabba the Hutt’s. Gimme a break. 

• Bert’s client seemed spent the entire episode auditioning for the role of Tony “Boobie Monster” Nunzio – capo of Brooklyn’s infamous ‘Motorboating Crew’. Too bad The Sopranos is no longer hiring.

• It’s hard for Eyebrows to “do simple”. It’s even harder for him to “be civil”. 

• Poor Bryce, his client – Jovan – described his girlfriend (wife?) as “cutesy”, “elegant” and “girly”. Also “gritty”, “sophisticated” and “a total freak after five cosmos”. Oh, and she likes pink. 

• Olivier, in addition to hating fat people, also hates women with boobies. As well as people who speak words. And also “clients”. 

• When Bryce is in trouble, he turns into Macaulay Culkin from Home alone… 

• You could see the women practically squeal with delight when Tim Gunn entered the room. Speaking of Tim, he was so funny this week – especially all the boobtalk. 

• Remember the days when Project Runway had Guest Judges who were actually famous?? With that being said … who in the Purgatory is Malin Whatshername?? 

Results:

• Safe: Kimberly, Olivier, Laura 

• Top: Anya, Eyebrows, Viktor 

• Bottom: Bryce, Bert, Anthony-Ryan 

Winner: Eyebrows...

Loser: Bryce, as predicted, is sent Home (Alone).

Next week: Menswear … forealz this time. And maybe even a real recap from Moi.

Project Runway 9 - Ep 7 - "Your Crotch Has Been Cancelled"

On last week’s episode of Project Runway … Joshua Eyebrows almost won with his “Toxic Tree” avant-garde design. Which I predict will make Eyebrows bright and cheery during this week’s episode. Mark my words... 

On last night’s show, it’s morning in Manhattan, and Eyebrows is bitching stating that he should have won the avant-garde challenge. But in a bright and cheery way, of course. 

The designers head to the runway, where Heidi informs them that they’ll be working in two teams this week. Teams are chosen, and this is how it breaks down: 

Team Walking On Sunshine: 

Anthony Ryan, Anya, Viktor, Olivier and Bryce 

Team Three-Women-And-Two-Gaybies: 

Eyebrows, Laura, Kim, Becky, Bert 

The designers go to the workroom, where Tim explains their challenge. Each team will create 5 looks, 3 textiles, a background video, a fashion show, a three-course meal inspired by their culinary career, and a living room for a family of 7 using nothing but materials purchased in the Plastic Flowers aisle at the Dollar Tree. Utensils down, hands up. 

The adorable Betsy Johnson comes in for no reason at all – other than to advertise the HP Touchsmart Desktop TouchDesk SmartTop machine thingy. Then they showed a film of her doing a cartwheel – which made everyone clap – even Eyebrows. The end. 

The teams meet for 30 minutes. Team Peace Love And Harmony quickly agrees to an “Inkblot Test” theme. Team Eyebrows Plus Four throws around some … um … intriguing ideas such as 'Circus/Carnival', 'Sea Amoebas', 'Clocks', and a female version of the Village People. Dear Baby Jeebus – please let them do the Village People thing – only because I want to see the look on Nina Friggin Garcia’s face when the assless chaps walk down the runway. 

Unfortunately they decide on the highly exciting themes of “Clocks” and choose the team name “Butts and Dolts” (or something like that). 

Commercial Break: NuvaRing is not for everyone. Then why must you keep talking about it??? 

And we’re back. Everyone has 45 minutes to come up with their textile design using their L’Oreal Paris TouchTop Garnier Smart Desk computers. Bert can’t get his to print – and mumbles about the Mimeograph machine not working and complains about not getting his “frickin’ clocks” considered by the rest of the Butts and Dolts. 

All of a sudden, Eyebrows starts screeching at the top of his lungs about Bert using “a swear word”. Eyebrows states that only unintelligent, poopy, naughty boys and girls use no-no words. 

Speaking of “naughty words” - here are some words I never want to hear again: “I want a yard of Bert’s clock put in there!!”   {{{shudders}}} 

Eyebrows storms out of the workroom and to the mini-cafeteria – where Laura follows him. Laura, who knows her way around high-maintenance ladies, seems to be the only one who “gets” Joshua. And, frankly, she can have him. 

Laura and Eyebrows decide to go shoot the video together – which consists of Joshua filming Laura walking in different pairs of shoes and yelling at her to be more fierce. Meanwhile Kim, Becky and Bert go shopping at Dollar General Mood. 

Over at Team Rainbows And Unicorns, Bryce and Viktor go to Times Square to shoot the video, while the rest go to Mood. 

Day #1 ends and #2 begins – with the designers checking out their fabrics. Why did all 6 textiles end up being black and white?? I bet it was that damn Mimeograph machine again… 

Tim visits the workroom and of course loves everything that Team Happiness and Light is doing. 

Team Butts and Dolts, on the other hand, is scaring the exuberance right outta Mr. Gunn. Tim tries to ask Joshua where the woman who wears his garment is going – and Eyebrows goes OFF. Why do they have to GO ANYWHERE?!? Which is what I say to myself while spending all day in front of my computer. Maybe Eyebrows’ garment is for an overweight shut-in with an internet addiction?? 

Things get so bad that Tim makes everyone join hands and sing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. Then Eyebrows starts crying. Sob cry sob “comes from a humble family” … sob cry “can’t go home” … sob snot … “working at a bar in New York City” … “Missed Thanksgiving”… 

Um, what does that have to do with Tim Gunn asking you where your customer was going?? Seriously girl, you need medication. How about NuvaRing? 

Runway day. Hair, Makeup, Piperlime. Judges: Michael, Nina Friggin Garcia, Rachel Ray (she’ll be judging the 3-course meal) and Rose Royce, which will be performing their multiplatinum hit from the 70’s, “Car Wash”. 

Sashay, Shantay. Obviously, Team Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice are the winners. Team Butts and Dolts are the losers. The losers are sent backstage, where Eyebrows shrieks at Becky. Because … oh hell, who know why – it’s what Eyebrows does. 

Team Chaos – judges love love love. They simply can’t decide who they love the most – although they love Bryce the least. 

Team Nuts & Bolts – judges hate hate hate. Video looked like an ad for shoes or taxis or hookers. Also, most women don’t want ‘CANCELLED’ written across their crotch. Eyebrows proceeds to freak out on the JUDGES this time – which just makes Nina Friggin’ Garcia chuckle and tell them how bad all three of their textiles were. You cannot out-beeyotch NFG. 

Let’s recap now: During this episode Eyebrows has yelled at Bert, Tim, Becky and now Nina Friggin Garcia. Which only means that Bunim-Murray will make sure Eyebrows goes all the way to the finals. Anyone remember Wretched Jones??? 

The judges discuss and it’s time for the results: 

Anya is the winner. And the bottom two are Joshua and Becky. Becky is sent home (see “Wretched Jones” comment, above). Was there ever any doubt?? 

Next week – really gay men ponder really big boobs. 

What did YOU think of last night’s episode? What do think about Joshua Eyebrows? Please leave a comment.

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Project Runway 9 Ep. 4 - "Do We Have A Plan B?"

Last time on Project Runway, the challenge was to create garments for a group of WNBA players Stilt Walkers… 

Bert and Viktor spent the entire episode fighting. Bert was all like… 

… while Ernie Viktor was all like… 

Meanwhile, Blair from The Facts of Life Laura won the challenge and was all like… 

…while Bambi’s girlfriend Faline Fallene was sent home and was all like … 

And, of course, Kim Kardashian was all like… 

This week, the designers wake up and head over to Parsons. They are greeted by Mrs. Short Shiny & Tight herself – Heidi Klum. 

Heidi informs them that they will be designing for a “very important client” – NinaFrigginGarcia! They must produce a look that NFG can wear to the office and then skip on out the door and go to an “industry function”. And by “industry function”, I mean dinner with her Fashion Department colleagues, where they spend the entire evening discussing how everyone in the Accounting Department is fat and gross.

NinaFrigginGarcia gives the designers some direct advice: 

“NinaFrigginGarcia does not like loud patterns or colors. I do not like voluminous clothes. I do not like pleats. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam I am. I do not like them in a box; NinaFrigginGarcia does not like them with a fox…” 

“We get it, Garcia” – Heidi cuts her off. “If you can’t buy it at Calvin Klein – you don’t like it”. 

Anywhore, the winner will get his or her look featured in a NYC taxicab ad – and later it is revealed that the winning look will ALSO get an editorial feature in Marie Claire. 

The fashiontestants have 30 minutes to sketch – and afterwards each will meet with NinaFrigginGarcia so she can further explain what she does not like (she does not like them on a plane, she does not like them on a train, etc…). 

After drawing some pretty pictures, each of the designers meet with NFG. We find out that NinaFrigginGarcia hates cows… 

… so Bryce’s initial idea becomes out of the question… 

Oh … wait … NinaFrigginGarcia hates COWL… 

NinaFrigginGarcia also hates Dynasty and Cecilia, but loves pants and ‘Plan B’. That is all. 

The designers head to Mood for their $200 Fabric Flurry. Anya immediately goes for a bright mustard color – which, I predict, NFG will hate more than a Cow wearing a cowl while eating Green Eggs and Ham on Dynasty. And poor Cecilia seems lost, and ends up selecting some muddy-colored fabric at the last minute which NinaFrigginGarcia will hate more than that mustard crap (see above). Trust. 

They head back to the workroom – where Tim and NFG come in to give advice. This entire process can be summed up in one eloquent soliloquy by NinaFrigginGarcia: 

“No. Do we have a Plan B?" 

Want it in Spanish?: “No. ¿Tenemos un plan B?” 

Pure poetry. 

After wreaking havoc on everyone’s self-esteem, NinaFrigginGarcia exits the room. Her work here is done. 

The models enter for a fitting – and wonder why the designers are all rolled up in fetal positions under the work tables. Answer?: NinaFrigginGarcia. 

The evening comes and the day is over. The next morning the designers prepare to tackle Runway Day. Cecilia’s main concern seems to be that her model has “huge neeples”. Miss Thang needs to worry about that butt-ugly dress, not her model’s ta-tas. Just saying. 

They all head over to Parsons, where Tim finds every single one of the fashiontestants still under the tables in the sewing room – frantically trying to finish their garments which NinaFrigginGarcia will no doubt hate anyway. 

Cecilia has pretty much given up (and she doesn’t have a Plan B) – so she helps her buddy Julie. And Laura – who has immunity – helps Anya, who isn’t an experienced seamstress. 

They head down to the runway and it’s time to start the show. Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kor(ange)s, NinaFrigginGarcia, NFG’s Boss (JoannaFrigginColes), and some actress. Let’s start the show… 

Sashay – Shantay. You better work. The end. 

Kimberly, Anya and Viktor end up being the top three. Danielle, Julie and Cecilia are on the bottom. The rest of them are safe. And backstage, senile Bert predicts Olivier will get the win. Even though Olivier is sitting right beside him – part of the middle-of-the-road “safe” group. Bert may know his fashion history – but Mama needs a good pair of spectacles. 

The judges speak to each of the designers… 

1. Viktor. Little black dress. Architectural. They likee. 

2. Julie. Shirt dress. Nina’s boss says if NinaFrigginGarcia came to work in that outfit, she’d be NinaFrigginFIRED. 

3. Cecilia. Oh honey … NO. 

4. Kimberly. Shiny blouse with pants. I thought NFG would no likee. But she likee. 

5. Anya. Jumpsuit. She dyed the mustard fabric and NFG is “amazed at the transformation”. Viktor is amazed that no one is mentioning how Blair Julie helped Anya finish. 

6. Danielle. Blouse and pants. Michael Kors describes it as “Joan Crawford at a St. Patty’s Party”. FYI – Bruce Vilanch is now writing all of Michael’s quips. 

The judges discuss and it’s time for the results: 

Kimberly is the winner – with her tribute to “Star Track” and the Solid Gold Dancers… 

Kimberly also gets to meet Nina in her office – and sees her ad on the top of a taxi. Woo hoo! 

Victor, Anya and Danielle are safe – leaving Cecilia and Julie. At that point I was certain that Cecilia’s “Ode to Sad – the Grey Period” would be the losing look. But I was wrong – Julie ended up being sent home… 

Backstage, Cecilia mentions that she would rather see herself go home instead of her friend Julie. To which all of her fellow designers, in unison, say “SO WHY DON’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?!?” 

Cecilia’s response?: {{… crickets …}}  

Cecilia goes with "Plan B" - she stays and Julie goes home. NinaFrigginGarcia would be so proud.

So what did YOU think of last night’s episode? Please discuss in the Comments section. 

Past Recaps:

Episode 3: "I'm Sort of Freaking Out"

Episode 1: "Fairy Tale Hair, Baby"


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Project Runway Ep. 11 Recap - Stacked, Packed and ... OMG - He's BACK!

First of all, I want to say a few words about last night’s episode.  Everything just seemed “off” - a designer leaving, a designer coming back, Heidi in the workroom, a double-winner – this episode was really wonky and out-of-place for me.  And yet, for all the unusual plot twists, there was very little drama.

Of course some of this could just be me – I was having a bit of trouble focusing on the show and my notes last night (I’m still not eating carbs and thoughts of garlic bread and Stove Top Stuffing were distracting me).  Also, I only watched the show once (not my usual 2 times) – so this recap will be a little less detailed than usual.  Here we go…

It’s unusually quiet in the guy’s apartment – due to the departure of our resident motormouth – Anthony.  Over on the gal’s side, Maya and Mila are having coffee and Maya mentions again that she is the youngest designer in the competition.  Like that’s a bad thing!  Honey, I've been hanging out at Bingo and Off-Track Betting parlors just so people will start calling me “kid” and “young fella” again.  Enjoy being the youngest ... trust me.

The designers go to the runway to see Heidi.  She says that this week they will design for an “opinionated” and “headstrong” celebrity – and she wouldn’t want to be in their shoes.  Opinionated?  I swear, if it's that hag Ann Coulter I’ll never watch Project Runway again.

The designers meet Tim in the workroom to find out they will be designing a red carpet look for … HEIDI.  Wah?!?  Another “Make Heidi a Dress” challenge?!?  How many free dresses does Heidi Klum need???

Heidi explains that she attends many events, and needs great dresses for the red carpet.  And apparently she prefers her outfits to be created in one day using Mood fabrics and free labor.

In the middle of their sketching/kvetching time, Tim walks into the workroom door with Maya and says he has an announcement.  Maya has decided to leave the show.

TimGunnandMayaSayWhat?!?!??  Maya explains that she is “not ready to go all the way yet” and is having a hard time “performing on command” – which, coincidentally, was what I told all my girlfriends in high school and college.

Anywhooo … Maya is leaving and the other designers are shocked.  Seth Aaron defends her decision, saying no one really knows how hard they work until they actually do it.  Emilio, ever the supportive friend, calls it a “cop-out” and says “quitters never win”.

Quitters may not win – but a “loser” just might.  After they go to Mood to spend their $300 wads, Tim re-enters the workroom with another announcement.  Since there are supposed to be six designers in the competition at this point … ANTHONY is coming back!!  And with that, Anthony enters with a booming “HERE SHE IS, BOYS!!!”.  I was half-expecting a Hello Dolly-style song and dance routine (complete with feather boas and singing waiters), but unfortunately Dolly Anthony gets right to work after some quick hugs.

Jonathan, as usual, is doing an intricate cutwork design.  Emilio is using rather flimsy fabric, so he must create a “fully-boned understructure” – which made me giggle like a 12-year old.  “Understructure” is such a funny word…

Tim Gunn enters AGAIN, and this time calls Seth Aaron out into the hallway.  Goodness … what now?!?  It turns out that Seth’s model got an Arby’s commercial a Donna Karan gig, and won’t be able to continue.  So Seth now has Cerri – the cool Irish model who Jonathan screwed over last week.

Tim – who has now walked into the workroom more times than I’ve walked into the White Castle on 8^th Avenue – enters AGAIN, this time with Heidi.  They are there to do “Talk-to-me’s” and make thoughtful facial expressions.

I must say, it was weird seeing Heidi in the workroom.  And it was weirder still when she opened her blouse and showed Jay her boobs like it was Mardi Gras.  But if you really think about it, Heidi’s life boils down to two things – Babies and Boobies – so I guess it wasn’t THAT unusual.

One of the things Heidi definitely didn't like was the fabric Jonathan had created – saying it looked like curtains.  This prompts Jonathan to scrap what he’s done and start a new dress.

The designers scramble to finish, but eventually head back to the apartments for the night.  Anthony, who got a late start – is allowed to stay until 2:30 am.  By the time he gets home and gets settled, he only has about one hour to sleep.

The next morning the designers tiredly return to the workroom and scramble to finish.  Tim comes in and pays the bills - plugging the L’Oreal Peoria makeup room, the Jennifer Garner hair salon, and the Redfly.com accessories wall.

Workroom Stank Talk: Mila says Jonathan’s draping isn’t the greatest.  Jonathan thinks Mila’s dress fits “strangely” this week.  Seth Aaron is pleased with his “Vampiry” long black dress, but Emilio thinks it doesn’t look like Heidi at all.  Note to Emilio: please try to avoid saying/pronouncing the word “basically”.  That is all.

Everyone heads to the runway, where they meet this week’s guest judge - Jessica Alba (above).  She greets the designers with a friendly, “Hi, I’m Jessica” and a wave.  Let’s start the show…

The models walk the runway.  Jay’s look is first, and he mentions that he always seems to accentuate the butt area on his garments.  And, in a gift to Recappers everywhere, Jay actually says “I like big butts”.  To which all Recappers, in unison, reply – “And he cannot lie”.

Mila and Anthony are next, followed by Seth Aaron.  Then there’s Jonathan.  This is what I wrote in my notes when Jonathan’s look came down the runway…

“OMG – NO”.

“NO” was underlined four times.

Finally, Emilio’s gown finishes out the show.

The designers line up on the runway, and the judges speak to all of them.

Seth Aaron: Too much Seth Aaron, not enough Heidi.  This isn’t a red carpet look, but it would be perfect for the girl who carries the Emmy to the podium.  Or the gals who hand out towels in the ladies room of the Kodak Theater.

Anthony: Judges love it.  Especially Jessica Alba.

Mila:  Problems with the fit.  Nina mentions that it looks like something one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey would wear.  OMG – I sooooooo want to watch RHONJ with Nina Garcia at her apartment!!  I’ll bring the Stove-Top stuffing.

Emilio:  Judges love it.  Michael Kors calls it “impeccable”.

Jay:  He likes big butts (and he cannot lie).  The judges, however, do not.

Jonathan:  Too short.  Looks like he rushed to finish.  Jonathan admits that this was his 3^rd dress and was completed in about 2 hours.

Results.  Heidi announces that there wasn’t one winner of this challenge – there were TWO.  She tells Emilio that she loves his dress (below) and will wear it to an event.

Then Jessica Alba announces that Anthony is also a winner, and Jessica would like to wear his dress (below) to a red-carpet function.

I bet Jessica was all like “What?!?  They book me on Project Runway as a guest judge and then HEIDI gets a new dress.  Oh no they di-int!!  Ima get me some free clothes too!!!”  If you search MyLifetime.Com hard enough I bet you can find the behind-the-scenes footage of this little meltdown.

Anywhoo … Seth Aaron and Mila are safe.  This leaves Jay (who likes big butts and he cannot lie) and Jonathan.

And, unsurprisingly, Jonathan is sent home.  This doesn’t even surprise Jonathan, who says he just couldn’t compete with Emilio and Anthony when his dress (below) was created at the very last minute…

Next week, we are down to five designers – and the challenge will decide “who will go to Fashion Week” - even though about 27 of them actually showed collections at Bryant Park.

Project Runway Ep. 10 Recap - "Stacked, Packed, and Never Coming Back"

DISCLAIMER:  This recap may not make much sense.  I gave up carbs yesterday and my body thinks Armageddon is upon us.  I’m exhausted, have a headache, and can’t concentrate.  Which reminds me of something EXTREMELY important I must tell you…

...

... 

What? Wait... Oh, hell – I forgot.  Damn carb withdrawals.

Anywhore, last week on Project Runway, Seth Aaron and Emilio were co-winners, and Amy was sent home for not knowing the difference between the Upper East Side (Manhattan) and Akron (Ohio).

This week opens in the apartments, where the fashiontestants awaken and prepare for their latest challenge.  Jonathan is still upset about Amy’s aufing – but that’s not the only thing he should be upset about.  Jonathan needs to take note of how horrible he looks on TV right now.  This competition has NOT been kind to Jonathan’s face – he is puffy, scruffy, and paler than a Nazi baby’s butt.  Come on girl – this isn’t Survivor - you’re allowed to shower and shave on Project Runway!!

The designers see Heidi on the runway, and she tells them to meet Tim in the workroom where they will receive their challenge.  In the workroom Mr. Gunn introduces designer Vivienne Tam to the fashiontestants.

Tim explains that they will have the opportunity to design their own fabric this week – which will serve as the core of their look.  Then Miss Tam does a 1 minute HP/Intel infomercial blah blah blah…

The designers have one hour to play on the shiny new HP computers and create their prints.  Everyone thinks this is the coolest thing since the invention of scissors, and at least half of them state “I’ve never made my own fabric before!”.  Yeah, see that’s kinda THE DEAL – designers at their level usually don't have the opportunity to do this.  This is the whole point of the challenge, Einsteins.

Once they have digitally created their fabric (which will be delivered in the morning), the designers head over to Mood for additional fabrics.  While there, Anthony states that the color swatches he is trying to concentrate on “look like Algebra!”.  I believe there’s a formula for that:

(x + 1)(y - silk charmeuse) = y ÷ organza² + cotton twill

It all seems very complicated – although that could just be my lack of carbs.

Back in the workroom the designers get busy.  Anthony accurately compares Mila’s print to Legos (Mila’s print IS very “Crayola basic colors”) – but poor Jonathan can barely see his design on the printer copy of his work (his print is very “amoebas under a microscope").  Jonathan hopes his actual fabric is a bit darker.

We interrupt this program to bring you the following segment:  “Getting SASSY with Anthony!”…

Anthony seems to be extra-entertaining in the workroom this week.  Here are some highlights:

• Anthony blames Beyonce for all the problems in his life.  He explains that Beyonce’s songs make you feel “like a size four” who can conquer the world.  But, he wonders, “Do you think Beyonce has any songs about people who lost their jobs?”.  I’m willing to bet it was really “If I Were A Boy” that tugged the most on Anthony’s heartstrings. 
• Anthony also talks about Oprah and the fact that when/if (?) he had the chance to see The Oprah Winfrey Show, it wasn’t during the “Favorite Things” episode. It just so happened to be the “I’m addicted to watching dirty things on the internet” episode.
• Anthony's Uncle Leroy happens to be thusly addicted (see above).  And I’m sure Uncle Leroy appreciates his business being put out in the street like that.
• Finally, Anthony mentions that even when he is somber, sad, angry, disgusted, disappointed, melancholy or irritated – people still laugh at what he says.  Perhaps then he should keep his mouth shut.  Just saying.

Day One is finished and the designers head back to the apartments where Seth Aaron is allowed to call his wife.  Nice try lazy producers, but if you think this “fake ‘em out” phone call is going to convince me Seth Aaron is going home, then you are sadly mistaken.  Besides, there was hardly any crying.

The next morning the fashiontestants return to the workroom where their fabrics await them.  Everyone freaks out (OMG!  FABRICGASM!!) when they see their designs translated into actual textiles.  Anthony takes it a bit further, telling his fabric “I LOVE you and I don’t even know you yet!”.  If I had a nickel for every time I said that…

Emilio’s print (below) uses his name (Emilio Sosa) as graffiti – although he uses a ♥ instead of an “O”.  But Mila can’t seem to read Emilio’s graffiti or figure out what it means.  Maybe she just gave up carbs also.

Tim comes in for visits and “talk-to-me’s”.  He too can’t see/read es♥sa – thinking the “SA” has something to do with Seth Aaron.

Emilio gets more and more frustrated while talking to Tim about this - and seems horrified that anyone (including Tim) would question his fabulosity.  The funniest thing about this segment is that the more frustrated Emilio gets, the more his tongue gets in the way and the more noticeable his lisp becomes.  By the end of the conversation he sounds like Barbara Walters on Novocain.

After Tim leaves, Emilio claims that Mr. Gunn “mocked” his fabric – which is just not true.  Tim simply had a hard time reading the initials, making me wonder if EVERYONE IN NEW YORK has given up carbs.

The models come in for fittings, and the stank talk begins.  Emilio describes Mila’s dress as being like a “teepee”, and Mila questions Anthony’s taste level – adding that she just can’t see him in the final three.  It’s the carb-withdrawals talking, I’m telling ya - they'll make you nasty!

Anthony says a bunch of stuff at this time, but I was too lethargic to take accurate notes.  Here’s what I got:

“Incredible”

“Cumbersome”

“Conundrum”

“Reality”

“What may happen tomorrow”

Yeah, I’m not sure what any of that means either.

Day Two ends and Runway Day is finally here.  Over in Anthony/Jay/Seth Aaron’s apartment, Anthony comments that Jay’s green pants make him look like a “gay Christmas ornament”.  Of course he does, because everybody knows there is no such thing as a STRAIGHT Christmas Ornament.  Even the ones with the little baby Jeebus in the manger...

They head to the workroom and Tim recites his L’Oreal / Garnier / Bluefly / HP / Intel mantra.

More stank talk ... Anthony thinks Jonathan might be in trouble for his “pale” look.  He says the dress is pale, the model is pale, and Jonathan is pale (Anthony has a touch of "Whiteyphobia").  In fact, “Everything is pale as Hell!!!”, Anthony declares – adding that he’d like to throw a bucket of paint over the whole thing.  Coincidentally, I would like to throw a bucket of biscuits and gravy down my throat right now, but I guess this really isn’t about me.

Jonathan notices that Mila’s model can’t walk in her long dress; and Emilio declares that “nothing else in that room can top me”.  Except Seth Aaron … you know Emilio would totally let Seth hit that (Proof: "E.S. ♥ S.A"!!!!!!).

It’s time for the runway show.  Heidi introduces the judges – Michael, Nina and Vivienne Tam.  Let’s start the show…

Highlights:

• When Emilio’s look walks down the runway, he declares “We got this”.  Confident much?!?  It’s a decent look, but others might be better.
• Sure enough, Mila’s model has a lot of trouble walking in her long dress – even after she lifts up one side.  I’ve never understood this – you are designing a garment for a RUNWAY SHOW, not a magazine editorial.  THE MODEL HAS TO BE ABLE TO MOVE IN IT!!!
• When Anthony sees his model, he declares that she “looks like a LADY”, which was his goal.  Newsflash for Anthony: Dame Edna (below) also looks like a lady, but her look won’t get you to Bryant Park…

At the end of the show, Heidi declares that Gay Christmas Ornament Jay is safe.  The rest remain on stage.

The judges absolutely fall over themselves praising Emilio’s outfit – with Michael Kors saying “You nailed it”.  I guess maybe Emilio DOES “got this”.

They also likee Maya’s  “electric” print, and Seth Aaron’s pop art-inspired look.

On the other hand, they hate Mila’s unwalkable 1970’s teepee dress – which Michael describes as a “Mexican Serape Gay Flag”.  Mexican Serape Gay Flag garments are SOOOOOO last season…

On the runway, Anthony tries to charm the judges (as usual) but Michael and Nina cut him off.  Heidi mentions that they see the same thing from Anthony every week – a pretty dress with some decorations.

The judges also don’t like Jonathan’s look – with Michael being especially harsh.  Michael describes the jacket as a “Disco Straightjacket” and the print (below) as “a dirty tablecloth with food randomly spilled on it”.

Jonathan angrily replies that Michael’s description is “preposterous”.  At that point Michael makes the model put the jacket back on, all-the-while berating the look.  He was so evil that even Nina had to laugh.

But Nina’s smile didn’t last long.  She actually seems angry that Jonathan would make her look at something so hideous, calling it a “full-on catastrophe” which was “beyond upsetting”.  Nina adds that when she looks at the dress, the only emotion she feels is 'sadness'.

“Isn’t ‘sad’ an emotion?!!”, Jonathan snaps.  Yes girl, but so is ‘loathing’, ‘disgust’ and ‘anger’ – none of which I would suggest evoking in Meana Garzilla.

The judges discuss privately and then bring the designers back out for the results…

Emilio is the winner.  He was right – he DID “got this”.

This leaves Seth Aaron and Maya as safe.

Mila is also safe.  Wait.  What?!?  The dress that the model couldn’t move in is safe?!?!  WTF???

Which leaves Anthony and Jonathan.  Anthony for walking the same look down the runway week after week, and Jonathan for his bizarre/sad/disco/tablecloth extravaganza.  And the person going home is …

Anthony.  WHAT?!?  I CALL SHENANIGANS!!  SHENANIGANS!!!  The judges spent the entire time berating Jonathan (almost to tears) and ripping apart Mila’s outfit – and they sent ANTHONY home?!?  That is a hot, steaming pile of you-know-what...

But Anthony, always the funny/entertaining one, leaves with a smile and some departing words of wisdom …

“You don’t have to have the crown to be the queen”

Buh-bye Anthony – I’ll miss you.  And now I need to go find some biscuits to help me cope with these “sad” emotions…

Project Runway Ep. 9 Recap - Taking It To The Streets

Last week on Project Runway was the Earth, Wind & Fire challenge.  Jonathan was the “Shining Star” and won, while Ben ended up being sent home for his “Ode to Shark Week”.

This week the designers meet Heidi on the runway to receive their next challenge.  As is typical, she tells them to go meet Tim after giving them a cryptic hint (“New York state of mind”).  Oh … My … God – it’s the dreaded “Dress Your Model as Billy Joel” challenge!!!!

The fashiontestants meet Tim, who is waiting for them with Collier Strong – the L’Oreal Paris Makeup Queen.  Tim explains that the designers will take their inspiration from four New York City neighborhoods – Chinatown, the East Village, the Upper East Side, and Harlem.  And they will be working in teams of two …

{{{Awkward/nervous silence and throwing of side-eyes toward Mila}}}

OK, I understand Mila (below) might not be the warmest and fuzziest person on the planet, but why does everyone act like she is John Wayne Gacy or Typhoid Mary???

Tim tells them that each team will create 2 looks (day and evening) – and then uses the Magic Velvet Bag to pick team leaders, who then pick a partner.  Finally, the teams select a neighborhood.  Here are the results:

Team Chinatown:  Anthony and Maya.

Team Upper East Side:  Amy and Jonathan

Team Harlem:  Emilio and Seth Aaron

Team East Village:  Jay and Mila

Jay is apoplectic about working with Typhoid Mila, and literally says he “can’t breathe”.  Really?!?  Mila is so scary that she causes your respiratory system to shut down???  REALLY???

The teams head to their neighborhoods for 30 minutes of exploration and sketching.  Emilio and Seth Aaron end up on 125^th Street in Harlem to cruise old ladies and make liquor store/fried chicken jokes.  Classy.  While there, they see lots of denim, which will be the main focus of their designs.

Anthony and Maya head to the narrow, crowded streets of Chinatown.  Anthony is obsessed with the roasted ducks in the windows of some of the restaurants, and I’m beginning to think they might end up creating this outfit …

Uptown on the posh Upper East Side, Jonathan and Amy immediately notice how “static” the neighborhood is.  There is little or no movement, unless of course you are a doorman, a nanny, or a Botox doctor making house calls.  Amy is worried that her colorful style might not mesh with this not-so-colorful neighborhood.  Here is a color I think she could use – which totally represents the Upper East Side.  That color is “green”…

Jay and Mila head down to the formerly gritty East Village, which is now home to The Gap, yuppies and gourmet noodle shops.  In fact, here is an outfit which I think best represents the neighborhood these days…

Everyone meets back at Mood for a fabric free-for-all, and then they return to the workroom and get busy.  Tim informs the designers that they have until midnight to complete their looks.

Jay and Mila decide who is doing what, and then begin to work without talking to each other much.  It looks like Jay thinks if he remains very quiet and stands very still, the big bad Milamonster won’t eat him alive.  Or something.

Anthony, who is the leader of his team, is noticing that Maya has some control issues.  And Emilio is noticing how fast Seth Aaron works, but also knows he must keep an eye on him or Seth Aaron will add all kinds of unnecessary bells and whistles to his garment.

Tim and the Collier come in for a visit.  Collier does makeup commercials consultations, and Tim visits the teams to check on their progress.

The models come in for their fittings, and Jay whispers to his model how he is scared of the Milamonster, but if he stays really still and really quiet she might not eat him.  At this point I wish she would.

Emilio, who got to pick his partner before Jay (which forced Jay to work with Mila), is laughing like Dr. Evil during a Three Stooges marathon.  He is enjoying watching Jay and Mila not talk to each other – and I’m beginning to realize that Emilio is a big bag-o-douche.

Commercial Break:  It’s pretty sad that the highlight of this week’s Project Runway was the commercial for the Lifetime movie “At Risk”, starring the ridiculously sexy Daniel Sunjata…

Oh Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh.

Anywhore, It’s now the morning of runway day, and everyone heads back to the workroom.  Models get the L’Oreal/Garnier/Bluefly treatment, and the designers talk stank about each other’s looks.  “Summer’s Emilio” (he’s a douche, GET IT?!?) giggles about the mess Jonathan and Amy are creating, and Mila says that Jay’s tank top is “ill-fitting” (which it totally is).  Mila and Jay mentally prepare to throw each other under the bus on the runway.

The designers and models head to the runway, and Heidi introduces the judges.  But wait – WHERE IS MICHAEL KOR(ANGE)S???  The shady/lazy Producers promised us Michael and Nina every week this season?!?!  LIES!!!

Anywhore, the judges are designer Francisco Costco Costa, Nina, and model Molly Sims.  Let’s start the show.

The models do their thing, and the judges do theirs.  As far as I was concerned there wasn’t anything that completely blew me away, but there was definitely some fugly up in there.

Heidi announces that Team East Village (Jay and Milamonster) and Team Upper East Side (Amy and Jonathan) were the lowest.  Team Chinatown (Anthony and Maya) and Team Harlem (Emilio and Seth Aaron) were the highest.

The judges speak to Emilio and Seth Aaron first.  Heidi loves both pieces, as does Nina – however Nina mentions that Seth Aaron needs to edit some of the bells and whistles on his denim jacket a little bit.

The judges love the “sophisticated details” of Anthony and Maya’s look, although Anthony admitted to being initially sidetracked by the ducks in the windows of Chinatown’s restaurants.

Now for the designers they didn’t like.  Heidi declares Amy’s Upper East Side day look as “ugly”, while Nina calls it “not polished” and said it made her model look like an umbrella … ella … ella … ay … ay.  Damn you Rihanna - you have forever ruined "umbrella" for me!

Over at Team East Village, Nina loves the nighttime look Mila created, but thinks Jay’s day look – with the ill-fitting pants and the tiscrepancy tank top - is horrible.  But the funniest part was when Heidi asked Jay and Mila how it was working together …

"Um … it was … um … professional???"

{{{crickets}}}

Awkward!!

The judges discuss, then bring the designers back out for the results.  Emilio and Seth Aaron are both declared winners (“THE FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF … zzzzzzz), resulting in bro-hugs between the two guys.

Anthony and Maya are safe.  Mila and Jonathan are safe.  This leaves Jay and Amy facing elimination.  And … Amy is out…

I guess after creating fish pants and a tittiebowl-o-hair, the judges couldn’t justify keeping her around anymore.

Next week, Michael Kors returns just in time to call something a “Disco Straight Jacket!!”.  Till next time…