Project Runway Episode Two - "Suede Rocks It!"

Last week on Project Runway: Some girl won (they all still look alike to me) and Jerry created a costume for “Lizzie Borden – The Musical”. The judges gave him the axe. We also holla’d at Tango – who I hope remains until the finals so I have someone to rag on. Are you listening Bravo? Read my Episode One recap here.

It’s morning in New York, and Burnout Stella is killing me with her Noo Yawk accent, saying “Oh – My – God, I’m still HE-ah”. Remember Janice, Chandler’s annoying girlfriend on Friends (“Chand-la Bing!”)? Stella is Janice’s sister with the heroin problem. As everyone walks out the apartment door, Tango writes “Team Licious” on the blackboard. Please stop that NOW.

Heidi meets the fashiontestants on the runway, and they do the boring-ass model selection. Kelli (as the winner of the last challenge) selects her model first – she’s staying with Jermaine. He must do modeling between Jackson Five reunion tours. Straight Joe is staying with his model, Tuna Carpaccio. The food theme has worked thus far for him. JerHell’s model gets stolen which makes him “salty!”. JerHell’s commentary makes me “sour!”. At the end, some skinny girl is sent home – dashing her dreams at becoming the next Naomi or Tyra.

Heidi announces that the MODELS will be the clients for the next challenge. Way to think outside the box again Bravo – we’ve never seen that before.

Back in the workroom, Tim elaborates on the challenge. They will be using environmentally friendly (“green”) fabrics to create a young, glamorous cocktail dress. And, in a Project Runway first, the MODELS will be shopping for fabric. The designers’ facial expressions upon receiving this news were priceless. “Stank” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

The models are whisked to Mood, while the designers wait in the workroom. At Mood, we get the usual fabric scramble– but the models all seem to be buying the same thing: SHINY! Oh, and then there’s Runa (Keith’s model), who is purchasing Ostrich feathers. I can’t wait to see the look on Keith’s sexy face when Runa returns with plumage. Thank you Mood!

The models return to the workroom, and the designers brace themselves for the worst. Some of them get it. JerHell is fearful of receiving raggedy “remnants of nonsense”, which sounds like it should be a prime-time drama on Lifetime. Kenley’s model came back with SHINY t-shirt fabric. Wesley received “disgusting” brown SHINY – the same SHINY as Leanne and Straight Joe. And Keith’s model thought peach and Champagne SHINY go together nicely – especially with ostrich feathers. I prefer “blush” and “bashful” with MY plumage.

Burnout Stella is stressed, because her model wants free-flowing hippie-wear, and Stella only knows about “leh-tha” hooker-wear. There’s bound to be a happy (hooker) medium in there somewhere.

Young Wesley is upset by what his model has brought him. He has turned into adorable sad boy. Adorable sad boy is sad. Here is a picture:

Cheer up, cutie. Tango has decided that Heidi is like Darth Vader - “slick” on the outside, but “crazy!” on the inside. Nice observation, Tango. Then he has to ruin it by adding “Darthalicious!”. I have one thing to say to Tango: Shutthefuckupalicious.

“Suede decided to cut out all of these strips”, Suede says. “Suede is a bisexual”, Suede says (more like BUYsexual). “It’s going to be a long night for Suede”, Suede adds. Leanne responds: “Leanne likes Suede, but Suede needs to stop talking in the third person”. My sentiments exactly – except for the “like” part.

Tim does his “mentoring”, and thinks Korto’s dress looks FABULOUS. Once she turns it inside out, that dress is going to SING! Except he’s already looking at the outside of the dress. In that case, Tim no likee.

Tim likee Suede’s dress so far. “Suede needs to make it work!”. Tim notes that Leanne and Wesley are using the same SHINY fabric, which will show every flaw underneath the runway lights. Leanne seems a little crazy – she talks in a weird monotone about how she has “so many ideas”… The voices in her head must all be talking at once. And telling her to put more weird loops on her SHINY brown dress.

Tim announces that the winner of the challenge will NOT receive immunity. However, the winning look will be produced and sold by Bluefly.com. They have until midnight to finish. Make it work, bitches!

In the workroom, Burnout Stella won’t shut up about leh-tha. She loves working with leh-tha. She sleeps on leh-tha sheets. She eats leh-tha for breakfast. Tango calls her “ridiculous” (pot, meet kettle) and starts ragging on her: “My husband is leh-tha. My kids came out of me leh-tha”. Tango makes me giggle, which immediately makes me feel dirty.

Midnight comes, and everyone returns to the Atlas apartments. In the morning, Keith makes Daniel’s bed – because “he’s my buddy”. WTF? Don’t EVEN tell me Daniel got a piece of that. I’m sorry, but the only way I’m going to make another man’s bed is if he’s EARNED it (the old-fashioned way – like Smith-Barney). There have been rumors of a gay romance this season, but reports thus far claim it is Daniel and Sad Adorable Wesley. How is Daniel getting so much action? I mean, really?:


We see the usual last-minute scramble before the runway show. Tim says many of them have a lot of work to do, then adds: “You’re turning me into a wreck”. Why do I think Tim goes home and drinks about 10 Manhattans to calm the voices in HIS head?

JerHell refers to Joe, Leanne, and Wesley as “Team Ugly Brown Fabric”. JerHell must still be SALTY! “Suede will be rocking it”, Suede predicts. “Suede will be stabbed in the neck with a dirty fork”, I predict – if I ever see Suede in a New York restaurant.

On the runway, Heidi introduces the guest judge. It’s Natalie Portman, who apparently was nominated for an Oscar. CERTAINLY not for her portrayal as Queen Amidala in the Star Wars series - R2D2 was a better actor in those films.

Let’s start the show. Bitches walk. There is lots of SHINY! Burnout Stella’s makeup looks cute today, and her face isn’t her normal saggy mess. She obviously made it to the Methadone Clinic this time.

After the show, Heidi tells Suede, Kenley, Burnout Stella, Sad Wesley, Korto, and Leanne-with-the-Voices to stick around. Everyone else is safe.

The judges likee Kenley’s look. Queen Amidala thinks she looks like a “Broad from the Forties”. This apparently is a good thing.

They also likee Burnout Stella’s compromise of hooker-meets-hippie. Stella is talking to the judges in her fancy “speaking to my Parole Officer” voice. No “leh-tha” here! Michael and Nina likee, but Queen Amidala doesn’t likee the off-the shoulder asymmetry of the dress. She prefers perfect symmetry – left and right must match EXACTLY – like in this outfit from Queen Amidala's closet:


They also REALLY likee Suede’s dress – made of many strips of SHINY – making the end result not-so-shiny. How did he do that? “Suede is magic!”.

The judges no likee Leanne’s “SHINY with Loops” dress. And her model throws her under the bus, which is funny since Leanne switched models to get this one. Leanne MUST start listening to some smarter voices in that head of hers.

They hate Korto’s look – saying she gave her model “fins”. Hey, it worked on Cadillacs back in the 1950’s – why can’t it work on a dress? One of the judges mentions that the dress looks inside-out. Sound familiar?

Finally, the judges REALLY hate on Wesley – making him even sadder. Nina gives Wesley some advice: “Shiny, tight, and short is the quickest way to look cheap”. Nina’s last name is “Garcia”, so she’s talking from experience. ¡Aye Dios Mio!

Suede is the winner, and his garment will be sold on Bluefly.com. In true gay-boy style, he gives a tearful shout-out to his Moms. ‘Bi-sexual’ MY ASS. Stella and Kenley are safe.

This leaves us with Korto’s fins, Wesley’s Sad & SHINY, and Leanne’s Loopy & SHINY. Korto is safe, leaving us with two-thirds of Team Ugly Brown Fabric facing elimination.

Wesley is sent home, which ruins the theory that he and Daniel are the two gay boys having a romance this season. That must mean that Daniel and gorgeous Keith might be more than “buddies”…


Next week: Field Trip! Keith gets angry! People ignore Tim! And Michael discovers “toilet paper caught in a windstorm”. Till then, bitches!!!