Project Runway Ep. 5 Recap: "One Of The Biggest Challenges EVER!"

Last week on Project Runway, we had the “Campbell’s Soup Ladies Who Have Bad Tickers” challenge.  Amy was Mmm Mmm Good, and Baby Jesus was rilly rilly bad and got sent home.  Rilly.

It’s morning in Manhattan, and the first thing we see in the guys apartment is a shirtless Seth Aaron making coffee.  Dear Producers: As Nina would say, that was so NOT aesthetically pleasing – don’t ever do that again.  Kthxbai.

Back in one of the bedrooms, Anthony tries to awaken Jay by telling him it’s time for Bible Study.  When that doesn’t work, Anthony simply smacks Jay with The Good Book.  Don’t make Anthony get all Fire and Brimstone on your ass… WAKE UP!

Over on the gals side, Team Mousy White Girl (Anna and Janeane) reflect about being constantly on the bottom.  Anna claims that she might be sweet, but she’s also “fierce”.  I’m sorry, but even the way she says “fierce” is not fierce.  Fierceness FAIL.

They go to the runway to receive their challenge.  Heidi reminds everyone that Amy has immunity, and she states that for their next challenge their looks better be “picture perfect”.  Then Heidi sends the designers to go meet Tim at a “spectacular location”.

The location is actually the Hearst Tower in NYC (above) – the world headquarters for Hearst Publications (including Marie Claire).  Inside, the designers meet Tim Gunn and Marie Claire Editor-In-Chief Joanna Coles.  Joanna Coles has that “Don’t Mess with the Messer” look about her – like she could make Chef Gordon Ramsey and even Nina Garcia cry with just a few well-chosen words.  Translation: she scares the crap outta me.

Tim says that this week’s challenge will be the biggest in the history of blah, blah blah.  We all know what the challenge is: design a look to be worn by Heidi Klum on the April cover of Marie Claire.

Joanna gives them some tips about designing for the cover.  The look is usually cropped, so the detail of the garment must be in the top half.  Also, they musn’t use black or patterns because of the “cover lines” (AKA “10 Ways To AMAZE Your Man In Bed!”) that will be superimposed onto the image.  And since this is the April cover, their look must reflect the season.  Finally, it must be eye-catching so it stands out at the newsstand and makes people want to buy it.

After learning the challenge, the designers freak out a little.  Having their look published on the cover of a major fashion magazine would definitely get them noticed.  Janeane is especially amazed by the challenge, calling Marie Claire “one of the best” fashion magazines, and Heidi Klum “one of the best” supermodels.  “ONE OF the best”???  Oh honey, you are SO going home this week…

They head back to the workroom for 30 minutes of sketching at Parsons (which has ONE OF THE BEST fashion programs in the nation), and then to Mood (which is ONE OF THE BEST fabric stores in NYC).  They have $150 to spend, and 30 minutes to frantically spend it.  Thank you Mood - you're one of THE BEST!!

They return to the workroom and have at it.  Everyone is concentrating extremely hard on this challenge, and no one seems to be doing anything besides creating fashion.  Which, let's face it, doesn’t make for very entertaining television (or recaps).  So they do a totally unnecessary segment on Seth Aaron making noises and being loud and immature – and now I’ve just unnecessarily included it in my recap.  This might just be ONE OF THE WORST  BEST recaps I’ve ever written!

Workroom highlights:  Anthony will try to use the judges' advice from when he’s been in the bottom, but he must stay true to himself.  Anna has never made 3 pieces before, and she’s not sure it was such a great idea.  And Mila questions the bright turquoise color that both Anthony and Anna are using.

It’s time for Tim Gunn to visit.  He encounters Anthony first, looks at the sketches and what little Anthony has completed – and asks what the dress will actually look like.  Anthony is all like “I dunno…”, which flummoxes (I LOVE that word) Tim.  Anthony needs to get that Bible out and pray for some divine intervention.

Janeane was inspired by the ocean, but Tim is concerned about the “spewing out” factor.  As in, “Nina might end up SPEWING OUT the Cobb Salad she had for lunch when she sees this garment”.

“Fierce” Anna is making shorts (???), which she is having trouble fitting.  Emilio is making a short cocktail dress, and Mila is doing her usual color-blocking.  And Ben is making something, but I didn’t write it down because I was so amazed that he could actually speak.

At the end of the night, Jay and Emilio talk stank about Mila, Janeane has her usual freak out, and Anthony realizes that they need more time – but life isn’t fair and there is nothing he can do about it.  It apparently says so in the Bible or something.

It’s runway morning, and Team Mousy White Girl can sense the end nearing for one of them – they are both having trouble with this challenge.  On the guy’s side, Seth Aaron’s shirt remains on and for this I am grateful.  Amen.

They head to the workroom for their last-minute fashion scramble.  Mila predicts victory, Janeane is no where near finished, and Ben predicts this could be his moment.  And by “moment”, he means “the episode when they filmed me speaking”.  Tim comes in and herds everyone to the runway.

Heidi introduces this week’s judges – Michael, Nina, and Nina’s boss – Joanna Coles...

Let's start the show.  I was surprised by a few looks – Amy’s floral print (I thought they weren’t supposed to use prints) and Jay’s flowy gown with a long train (which wouldn’t ever be shown on the cover, because it would be cropped out).  Finally, Jonathan’s ROMPER (yes, he wanted to put Heidi in a romper!) which he said “looks like butter”.  Butter?...

I don’t think "butter" is a look Marie Claire is interested in featuring.

It’s time for the results, and Heidi tells Janeane, Anna, Mila, Ben, Anthony and Emilio to remain onstage.  And all the people I mentioned previously (above the butter biatch) end up being safe – which proves once again I know nothing about fashion.

The judges likee Ben’s “Modern Madame Butterfly in Technicolor”.  They also like Anthony’s dress – Joanna Coles loves the color, and Michael seems thrilled that Anthony has put all the “costume” behind him.

They also likee Emilio’s dress, but feel the ribbon straps were a little too “junior” for a Marie Claire cover.

So Emilio whips out a pair of scissors, and Michael tells him to cut the straps off.  Then they instruct Emilio to let the model's hair down.  Michael giggles that they’ve never done this before, and I smell a new show.

Cue announcer voice…

"Thursdsay on Lifetime … following PROJECT RUNWAY and MODELS OF THE RUNWAY … the premier of MAKEOVERS OF THE RUNWAY!  Host Michael Kors shows the designers how to get rid of the fug and MAKE IT WORK – right before the judges eyes!!!"

Dear Lifetime … your welcome.

The highlights of this episode, for me anyway, were the comments from Joanna Coles about the three designs they didn’t like.  She thought Mila’s dress was the color of hospital food (Michael Kors called the color “Ace Bandage”).  Ms. Coles said that Anna’s short set made her “slightly nauseous” (I hope she didn’t have Cobb Salad for lunch).  Finally, she said that Janeane’s sea-inspired look reminded her of a “polluted sea, with plastic bottles in it”.

Cue announcer voice…

"Thursday on Lifetime … following PROJECT RUNWAY, MODELS OF THE RUNWAY, and MAKEOVERS OF THE RUNWAY - the world premiere of JOANNA COLES TALKS STANK ON THE RUNWAY!  Watch as this ballsy British broad tells the designers how much they make her want to barf – and why!"

I would SO watch that show, btw.

The judges deliberate, and it’s time for the results.  Heidi mentions that because the reward for this challenge is such a big deal, the winner will not have immunity this week.

And the winner is … Anthony.

Anthony freaks out a little and gives us a few bars of “Whatchutalkinbout Judges?” before leaving to stage.  Backstage, the other designers seem genuinely happy that Anthony is the winner.

This leaves Ben and Emilio safe.  Mila is also safe.

Team Mousy White Girl remains onstage – Anna and Janeane.  Anna is sent home…

See … not so “fierce” after all…

Next week – they dress little girls!  And the girls are loud and don’t want to listen!!  And Joanna Coles shows up to babysit and instill discipline! (I wish).