Make Me A Supermodel - Episode 6 - Could You Relax Your Jaw A Little Bit?

On last week’s episode of Make Me a Supermodel, Jonathan won the Military Ménage à Trois photoshoot – which resulted in a 2Xist underwear booking. Kerryn won the catwalk challenge and immunity. CJ finally got her sour ass sent home.

In the morning, the modeltestants prepare for their photoshoot challenge. Gabriel – who won’t smile unless he thinks he’s being funny – smiles and remarks about how much CJ “will be missed”. What an unfunny Douche.

The models pile into vans and end up in the suburbs in someone’s backyard. It’s 45 degrees outside, but these bitches are going to be photographed in a pool, underwater.

We are introduced to photographer Howard Schatz – who strips down to his Speedo to photograph the models. Normally, having a half-naked older man photographing young men and women underwater would send up all kinds of red flags. But the models will be wearing clothes (unlike the photographer), and furthermore, Howard seems like the sweetest man on the planet.

Salome starts to freak out, because she can’t swim. Wait a second – don't they allow swimming in the Mennonite religion? Why didn’t she ever jump into the local swimming hole with the other kids?? Seriously – when you don’t have video games and computers, I would think swimming would be high on a Mennonite kid’s “To Do” list.

Sweet Uncle Howard allows Salome to stay in the water to get used to it. The others begin their photoshoots, and Sandhurst tries to help Salome by giving her a hug and a pep talk. I’m not used to Reality Show people being so nice. Hell, Christian would barely give a spare zipper to Ricky on Project Runway – let alone give him a pep talk. I need more Stank!!

One of the themes of this week’s episode was “Branden’s cockiness”. Look, the kid is 18 years old, tall, and gorgeous. And two episodes ago we found out he had an ass that dreams were made of. If I looked like Branden, I would be STILL be living in Calvin Klein my Sugar Daddy’s penthouse. With my perky butt hanging out of some ass-less designer leather chaps.

Branden says that Howard told him “All I had to do was look pretty. That’s what I do best, bitch”. Note to Branden, it’s pronounced “Bee-YOTCH”. You’re gonna need to remember that if you want to escape from the clutches of Calvin Klein make it in fashion.

The models take turns submerging themselves and getting their pictures taken underwater. Sweet Howard generally has nice things to say about everyone – except Laury and Gabriel. Surprise, surprise … he instructs Gabriel to “show emotion”. Gabriel showed “asshattery” this morning when he talked smack about the departed CJ … but is asshattery an emotion??

When it is Salome’s turn, Howard is extra-understanding and patient. Miss Mennonite is determined to do this, despite almost drowning at one point. In the background you could hear Howard yelling “Someone help her! What’s with you guys!!?!!”. Howard obviously doesn’t want to add a dead Mennonite girl to his photography resume.

When the photoshoot is over, everyone returns to the apartment. Amanda and Gabriel continue their kissy-face act – and Amanda confides in Gabe about her Babydaddy drama back home. Amanda says Gabriel is her “rock”, and she is thankful for meeting him. What kind of a douchebag is Amanda’s Babydaddy, if Gabriel is such a Prince by comparison?!?

The next morning we see Gabriel and Jonathan doing ab-crunches in the gym, while Mack Daddy Branden eats bacon covered in ketchup. Nicole rings the doorbell, and Brandon, undoubtedly aroused by his pork and condiments breakfast, answers the doorbell. I’m sure “morning wood” is the operative phrase here – as young Master Branden has been lusting over supermodel Nicole for a while now.

Nicole passes out the books. She tells Colin that HIS photo is going to get the 21-year-old virgin laid. Now Colin is sporting some wood of his own.

She asks Salome about her underwater experience, to which she answers “I survived”. Everyone claps proudly because Salome overcame her fear. But in a one-on-one interview, Amanda remarks “Who cares?!?”. Now THERE'S some of the stank I was looking for!

Cory calls, and announces that Jordan has won a go-see at People’s Revolution – a fashion P.R. firm. Jordan selects Salome to go with her, supposedly because of her accomplishment in the pool. But Salome is no dumb Mennonite – she remarks that Jordan (the prototypical ‘clothes-hanger with legs’ skinny model) picked the 'fattest' girl to go with her.

Jordan and Salome jump in the van and head to their go-see. Of course they end up discussing the other modeltestants, and Jordan – whose stank rivals that of Project Runway’s Kenley – gives Salome one simple instruction: “If I ever get a big head, you need to tell me”…

The look on Salome’s face was priceless. You could see that Salome was fast-forwarding through every instance of big-headery that Jordan has displayed thus far. Salome was so overwhelmed that she only managed to respond with a weak “Ok…”.

They get to the casting, and Jordan’s “Surround Yourself with Fat Bitches” plan works like a charm. She booked the show, and Salome does not. Salome had the AUDACITY to be a “Small”, and not an “Xtra Small”. Jordan, on the other hand, looks like a walking tribute to Karen Carpenter – and of course the fashion wenches at People’s Revolution reward her for being grossly skinny. I wish Salome would have cut a (skinny) bitch. But do Mennonites know how to stab??

Salome goes home and gets on the treadmill. Thank goodness, because “Small” is just disgustingly overweight. This is why I fucking hate fashion. I’m a XXXL (at least) – so that must make me The Empire State Building, The Sear’s Tower, and The Mall of America all rolled into one. I need a Big Mac … now I’m depressed.

Speaking of eating, that evening the modeltestants settle in for a relaxing night of pasta-gorging and beer pong. They better watch out, or they will end up “Small”, which everyone knows is too fat.

Amanda and Gabriel are playing that disgusting game of flirty-flirty, drinky-drinky that isn’t cute unless you’re one of the participants. They have little fights, then have little make-ups, then have another tiff. Beer DRAMA!!

The next day is the catwalk challenge. This week, the ladies will be “Fire” and will need to bring the heat. The men will be “Ice”, and must be sexycool.

David Ralph, a runway “Walking Coach”, will give them each one-on-one instruction on the fine art of walking the runway. I didn’t watch the show last season, so when they said “Walking Coach”, I pictured a big-ole Nelly Queen. Then Mr. Ralph came out, and he was just about the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And he had a British accent! Daddy needs to teach me how to walk ... to his apartment. That's him in the middle (below)...

I wonder if David can train that guy on the left to stop plucking his eyebrows. It looks like he went to the Beauty Shop and asked for the "Phyllis Diller Special".

Anywhore, after makeup and walking lessons, the models hit the catwalk. Salome’s dress was too small (“Small” is the new “Obese”), and Jordan couldn't do her “signature walk” in her too-tight skirt (Jeebus, Xtra-Small is even too big!). Wait, Jordan has a “signature walk”?!? This beeyotch thinks that she is Naomi Campbell already!

Poor Gabriel. When he walked down the catwalk, the judges literally held hands and chanted for him. Gabriel did try to do something with his face (besides looking stupid), but you could tell it almost killed him.

The judges are introduced: Marlon, Jenny, Perou (who I hate almost as much as Top Chef’s Toby Young) and Brazilian designer Alexandre Herchcovich.

The judges tell Mountaha, Salome, Laury, Branden, Sandhurst, Jordan, and Gabriel to stay on the runway. The rest are safe.

The judges really likee Sandhurst’s performance, although Brazilian Alexandre asked him to “relax his jaw”. Yeah, you know where this is going, so I’ll let you insert your own joke [HERE]. Thanks. The judges also really likee Mountaha – who speaks Portuguese onstage to the guest judge.

Perou (did I mention I HATE him?!?) decides to tell Salome that she is “Girlfriend Attractive” but not “Model Attractive”. Perou, on the other hand, is simply “Asshat Repulsive”. And I bet he’s an “Xtra Small”, if you smell what I’m stepping in. Actually, is there such a thing as XXS? Perou obviously tries to compensate for his “shortcomings” by wearing HUGE sunglasses…


It’s not working, Tiny.

The judges no likee Gabriel (SHOCKA!). Jenny remarked that when Gabriel tried to move his face, his eyes twitched. A little Botox would take care of that quite nicely.

The judges also didn’t likee Laury. She also had 'face issues', and Jenny told her to think of “Soft [Dust?] Bunnies” when she wants to relax her face. I wonder if that also works for relaxing someone’s jaw?...

The judges deliberate backstage. It’s obvious that Gabriel is in trouble, as is Laury. The judges all have a big laugh about taking cocky Branden down a peg this week. Fashion bitches are MEAN.

Time for the results. Jordan (with her skinny-ass “signature walk”) is safe. Sandhurst and Mountaha are the top two – and Sandhurst wins. He will have immunity next week.

Salome, despite being the size of a double-wide house trailer in the eyes of the fashion world, is safe.

That leaves Laury, Branden, and Gabriel. They tried to build tension by telling Laury that she was safe – leaving only Branden and Gabriel left. But there was NO WAY Branden was leaving – so Gabriel (and his fish-face) was sent home. Poor Branden looked like he was going to pass out until they announced he was safe.

Later, I'm sure the evil-ass judges had a good giggle about scaring poor Branden. Fashion bitches are MEAN.


Next time on M.M.A.S.M. – a DOUBLE elimination.