Thursday, December 13, 2007

Project Runway Recap - Episode 5 - "What's The Skinny?"

Darling readers, last night’s Project Runway took us on an emotional roller coaster ride. We laughed, we cried, we were shocked multiple times, and Michael Kors used the term "Hootchie Mama".

The show opens with the designers lamenting about the loss of Chris. He will be missed…he had a good spirit…blah blah blah. You know the producers make them say that shit. Just once I’d like someone to say “thank GOD that queen is gone – his farts smelled like salami on rye…with mustard!” A little candor goes a long way with me.

Cut to Jack, who is holding an ice pack on his upper lip. He reveals he has a skin Staph infection – which started as a small pimple, but it now looks like his upper lip is trying to take over his entire face. He brushes it off by making a comment about getting collagen and strikes a pose. But I have to be honest – his face is starting to look like something out of The Simpsons. I’m NOT trying to mean, just descriptive.

Time to find out what this week’s challenge is. Heidi shows up on the runway and calls for the “models”. Some non-modelesque shape is shown lurking behind the shadow screen, and the designers quickly figure out they won’t be using their usual girls. Sweet P wonders if the shadow is some “Crazy Fairy Princess” or a Tranny. Same thing honey…

Out walk the “models”, who turn out to be “normal” size women wearing VERY baggy clothing. All of these women have recently lost a lot of weight (the most was 160 pounds), and each one is wearing her favorite old outfit. The challenge is to create a beautiful new look using the material from the old outfit. The look must be suitable for the client’s everyday life, while showing the designer’s unique point of view.

Designers and clients get paired up, and the unfunny Steven shits a brick because he gets the lady in the polyester wedding gown. He says it looks like “death on a stick”. Not an promising start, I must say.

Back in the workroom, Tim Gunn reads a touching note that Chris has left behind, and everyone looks a little verklempt. Chris will be missed….blah blah blah. Remember, Chris was the one with the mustard farts – tell the truth people!!!

Mango (Christian) doesn’t seem to have a good initial meeting with his client. She basically lists all the things she WON’T wear (which is everything but jeans and black tops). Mango’s not looking happy.

Steven looks completely overwhelmed, and can basically only croak out exclamations like “wow”, and “dear God, help me now”. He is trying to figure out how to make 10 yards of sequined and beaded white polyester satin, covered in acetate lace, into something wearable for everyday. He suggests she might consider going back to church…but Steven is the one who needs God now.

They get 10 bucks to spend at Mood for anything else they might need. Steven decides he needs actual fabric, because the poly/satin/acetate/lacy/beaded/sequined MESS he has is not cutting it. He settles on black stretch cotton. Jillian selects a fabric that matches the color of her clients garment exactly. Who knew $10 went so far at the fabric store?? “Thank you Mood!”

Back in the workroom, Jack is really starting to get worried about his face. He’s afraid that after working so hard to make it to Project Runway, he’ll have to leave to treat the infection. He reminds us that he’s been HIV positive for 17 years, and health wise he’s fine, this infection is just a bacteria that anyone can get. He calls his doctor.

It turns out the doctor wants him to come in immediately to begin aggressive treatment. Jack waffles for a moment and goes back to his garment, but when Tim comes in they decide to have a little private chat.

After their meeting, Tim calls the designers together and Jack addresses everyone. He has decided to leave to take care of his health. Everyone cries, and hugs Jack. Even that jaded little Mango truly looks upset. Jack leaves and the designers try to cope. Emotional roller coaster gowning down…

Ricky elevates the mood somewhat by cross-dressing, er, fitting his client’s outfit on himself, complete with hooker pumps. Now why is he wearing high heels if he’s trying to see how a pair of jeans fit? It’s VERY obvious this isn’t Ricky’s first trip down Drag Queen Lane. Go girl!

Tim gathers everyone together AGAIN for ANOTHER announcement. Again with this friggin’ rollercoaster!. The designers all look like they want to puke – they can’t take much more of this. In walks a belly-laughing Chris – HE’S BACK!! Since Jack had to leave, they brought Chris back in his place. Much rejoicing, clapping, and hugging! Roller Coaster up!!!!!

Chris will take over Jack’s client, and is allowed to stay in the workroom all night to catch up. He decides he likes the challenge because he too has been on many diets, and has lost/gained close to 1500 pounds over the years (I’m right there with ya girl!). He also does NOT want to be eliminated two weeks in a row, so he gets ready for a long day/night of sewing.

Mango decides to make a fitted black shirt, and crop his client’s “fat jeans” and make them “skinny jeans”. He suggests they put padding on her rear, because “I’m not a miracle worker lady – I can’t make you have an ass!”. That Mango, such a people-person! Actually, Mango and his client seem to be getting along pretty well because as he’s fitting her, he’s uttering his favorite word – “fierce”. Mango doesn’t say “fierce” when Mango’s not feeling fierce. In fact, when Tim walks in to critique, he goes straight to Mango and asks “so how fierce is it?”. “Pretty fierce”, Mango replies. Tim likee.

Steven looks like he’s in SERIOUS trouble with the Mississippi Homecoming Dance, er, wedding dress project. His client is questioning his use of black for her new outfit. Tim calls Steven “courageous”, but I think that’s just a code word for “you are SO going home!”. Tim no likee.

Tim advises Chris to make all his decisions early, because Tim has personally made “more bad decisions at 3:00 am than I can list”. The designers crack up, and Tim looks perplexed until he figures out the double meaning. Tim calls himself an “old fart” for being so slow to see the humor. But what I want to know is if any of these “bad” decisions involved a Puerto Rican go-go boy names “James” from the Bronx. Word of advice to Tim Gunn – stay away from my man, or it’s gonna be on and poppin’. Foreal.

As they all work, Mango starts grating on Sweet P’s nerves, and she wonders aloud if it’s “against the law to kill a twelve year-old?”. Mango counters with “don’t these bitches know that I’m way better than them?”. How did he survive on the playground during elementary school? Seriously? I just wish someone would smack the fierce right off of him.

The next day the designers return to the workroom and discover Chris passed out on a couch. Overnight he has created an outfit that looks typically costumey. Think Minnie Mouse if she decided to be a hooker in Trenton, NJ.

Leonidas Fatone (Kevin) is pscyhed about his design, and I must say it looks good. He’s starting to think he might win. And he doesn’t even mention the fact that he’s straight…because he IS straight you know.

Ricky is bonding with his client, guessing that she’s not used to wearing tight pants. “I am”, Ricky admits. No shit Ricky – it’s hard to sell your ass in baggy jeans. But then that emotional roller coaster roars through again and Ricky starts crying tears of joy (YES!!!) because he’s so happy that his client likes the outfit. They are bonding and will be sisters forever! Roller coaster up…

Mango declares his outfit is “so perfect….ha ha ha!!”. Seriously, were there NO bullies in Annapolis where he grew up? He then makes the EXACT same statements as last week – Chris is “pure costume”, Steven and Elisa are “God-awful hideous”, but the judges might die over it or because of it. Seriously Mango, if your going to do the whole “Bitchy Queen” thing, be a little bit clever and have more that 3 catch phrases. And if he declares “Oh my God, I’m going to die!” ONE MORE TIME, I’m going to do what I can to make that happen for him.

Steven is in serious trouble, and has gone to the glue gun (NEVER a good sign on Project Runway). Leonidas Fatone and Victorya are finished so they try and help. Steven is invoking Jesus’ name again and declaring his garment has been “slapped together with glue and a prayer”. Steven (not Ricky) should be the one crying right now.

The runway show happens, and those “normal” gals strut like Kate Moss after a gram and a half of the good shit. Work! Patrick Robinson, head designer for the Gap is the guest judge.

Steven, Mango, Chris, Leonidas Fatone, Jillian, and Elisa are called out – they are the highest and lowest. The rest are safe. Rami looks pissed. Is it just me, or does he act like he expects to win EVERY week?

Leonidas Fatone’s client loves her look, but Michael Kors warns about his use of leggings.

Elisa’s outfit doesn’t look like it was designed for her client, it looks like it was designed for a weirdo like Elisa. She tried to make it sexy, but Michael Kors says it’s “choppy” and not flattering on her client.

The judges like Jillian’s dress, even though she only used a tiny bit of the original fabric. Why didn’t the judges freak out about this? I thought using the original outfit as raw material was the whole challenge? They probably ignored this because the dress was really cute, and Michael Kors said it was sexy without being “Hootchie Mama”. MK said ‘Hootchie Mama’ ya’ll!!

Time for Steven and the Mexican Prom Gown transformation. Nina says it looks like he went “from a wedding to a funeral”. Michael Kors said the garment “left me speechless” (and not in a good way), and looked like a “French Maid at a funeral”. The judges also were amazed that Steven didn’t use the fabric from the dress. “But you had beading!”, Michael moans, like beading could have saved this train wreck. Steven is in serious trouble.

The judges and the client love smug little Mango’s outfit. The judges think he made “fabulous new clothes”. Bitch.

And that leaves Chris. Michael says all the client needs is a beret and a cigarette and she would look like a French hooker from the 50’s. But then he decides she looks just like Shirley MacLaine when she played a “hooker with a heart of gold”. Michael then advises Chris to “think about these cliché’s”. How can he NOT think about cliché’s, you are the one that invokes them each week!

The judges do their judging. Jillian (even though the bitch didn’t follow instructions) is safe.

They announce the winner. It is between Mango and Leonidas Fatone. MANGO is announced the winner, and Leonidas looks like he wants to wrap his straight boy fingers around Mango’s neck, and finally kill that twelve year-old. The straight boy is safe.

Mango, ever the humble one, is happy he “finally fucking won something”. He also has immunity for the next challenge. Bitch.

Even though the judges seemed to hate his outfit, Chris is safe. Now it’s down to crazy freak Elisa, and Steven and the transformed Hungarian Debutante Dress. I would have bet the farm on this one – there is NO WAY they are going to send wacky Elisa home until it’s absolutely necessary – she makes for good television.

Steven is the loser and is sent packing. He says he’ll have to wait and see where life takes him next, but maybe he’ll become a “Greta Garbo-esque recluse”. Question: can you be a recluse when absolutely no one is looking for you?


Papagayo said...

hilarious! enough to make me turn on the damn tv and find this shit. i'm watching now mr dust...

Meeg said...

Good recap.

I was wondering what you were going to pronounce the hatin' moment of the week (I was guessing it was when they went off on Powder (aka Steven)'s french maid at a funeral outfit.

I saw that he was getting sent home from the very beginning. It was weak that he didn't use hardly any of the wedding dress (they liked Jillian's but I think that fact left her out of the running for the win). And maybe he couldn't do it, but I think someone could have made a cool outfit using the material from the wedding dress (like what about making the top into a bustier?).

John said...

That is a great recap!

Jack's farewell was so sad.

It was nice to see Chris comeback, but then he made that weird Shirley Temple-esque sailor outfit with the red bow. Chris may not be here long.

I really need a Project Runway fix...

David Dust said...

John - you are so right about Chris. When the word "sailor" came out of his mouth I wanted to SCREAM!

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