On The Lookout

Hump Day is almost here ... who wants to be "taken into custody"?!?

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Hot Sauce

PLEASE ... slap the cuffs on and take me into custody!!

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I'm Gonna Try This With Franky G !

Franky G - Hottest Man on the Planet

A Chicago woman cooked up a brilliant plan to get her boyfriend to marry her - she called the police on him! Ana Perez dialed 911 and said that her boyfriend, who was actually trying to break up with her, was ASSAULTING her (Hey - if the sex is good a breakup can be considered assault. Look it up). Ms. Perez hoped that when police arrived, they would convince him not to break up with her - but to MARRY her. Brilliant plan!!!

I'm putting NYC's 8th Precinct on speed-dial right now in order to make my dream wedding happen this year:

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I Always Do This

I don't know why, but I TOTALLY get weird around cops. Unless they are gorgeous, then I fearlessly shoot them my "Hey Papi - I Want You, Deal With It" death stare. Seriously.

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Boy Calls 911 To Report a Nasty Dinner Emergency

No.He.Di-int. A 10-year-old boy from Buffalo Grove, IL called 911 this week to complain about the food his father served him for dinner.

From The Daily Herald:

The boy dialed 911 about 7 p.m. on Thursday, Oct. 14, and said while the dinner his father gave him was edible, it wasn't to his liking, Buffalo Grove police Cmdr. Steve Husak said.

Husak didn't know what food was served. The boy's father was at the home at the time of the call, and police did speak to him, Husak said.

An officer advised the boy over the phone of when it is proper to dial 911, but no further action was taken.

No further action was taken? They should have hauled that Dad off to jail for Culinary Cruelty! Shouldn't EVERY child have the right to the specific meal of their choosing every single night of the week? People, let's think OF THE CHILDREN.

Actually, I know exactly what would have happened if I called 911 to report my mother for serving me Quiche Lorraine when I was young...

• I call 911 and report a town-wide emergency: CODE BLUE - QUICHE COMING OUT OF THE OVEN. ALL UNITS REPORT TO THE DUST HOUSEHOLD IMMEDIATELY.
• The 911 Dispatcher would have asked me if I was the David who lived on North Street - and if Frank was my father. I answer "yes". She informs me that she and my dad were friends in high school, and instructs me to tell him "hello" and then to go and eat my damn Quiche. I hang up the phone, dejected.
• My mother, overhearing this exchange, immediately springs into action. When she is finished she dials 911 again - this time to report a murder. MINE.

WANTED: Naomi "Sluggo" Campbell

Yep, supermodel Naomi Campbell whooped a trick (her driver) today - and NYC police are looking to question her about the incident.  Read more HERE.

NYPD Cracks Down On Counterfeit Goods

If you're planning on heading to NYC's Chinatown for a knockoff purse, wallet or watch before Christmas - you might want to reconsider. The NYPD raided a bunch of storefronts along Canal Street this week - and closed many of the counterfeit peddlers down.

Canal Street (the main drag running through Chinatown) usually looks like this...


But this Tuesday it looked like this...


The Chinatown counterfeit merchandise business has changed since I moved to NYC. Fifteen years ago the Canal Street shops openly displayed counterfeit merchandise with the actual brand-name logos on it (Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, etc.). The police just ignored it - saying they had bigger and better things to worry about.

But then the major fashion houses started pressuring the city to crack down on the counterfeiters (which costs them billions of dollars in revenue). And the city responded ... forcing the "really good" counterfeits off the street and behind closed doors. After the crackdown, store-owners displayed "similar but not exact" reproductions - but not actual knockoffs. Brand names such as "Channel" are common.

Now - if you want the "good stuff" - you have to go on a little bit of a mission. When you hit Canal Street you'll see Asian women carrying signs with pictures of "real" (LOL!) "designer" bags. If you want a "real Gucci" or a "real Chanel" bag, you point to which one you want.


The women will size you up (trying to determine if you are a police officer) - and if you pass muster they'll take you to a secret location. Many of these places are separate warehouses where you are literally locked in (to prevent police raids) before you can make purchases. Others are just back rooms behind the regular storefronts.

My friend's elderly mother went down to Chinatown about a year ago (she was visiting from Houston), and found herself in one of these warehouses. As she was negotiating with a gentleman over the price of a bag, people started yelling - and the Chinese "staff" of the building took off running. My friend's mom didn't know what was happening, so she ran after the guy yelling "But I want to buy that bag!!!!". Luckily the police didn't bust HER.

It's The Papi Police!