Top Chef Las Vegas Episode Five Recap

Sorry this recap is a little late, but I was having fun in Noo York City, as you can see by one of David's previous posts. Contrary to what the photo shows, I don't really look like Jay Leno. :) [Note from David - you definitely DO NOT look like Jay Leno!!!! XOXOXO]

The episode starts out in the cheftestants' digs, where BrotherMike says he doesn't think that some of the remaining chefs are as talented as some of the already-eliminated chefs. And Mattin, who possesses extreme Frenchitude, thinks he should have fared better in last-week's Battle of zee Frawnch. Hon hon hon!

The cheftestants get their asses in gear and head to the hallowed Top Chef Kitchen where they find Padma with some cowboy Top Chef Masters competitor Tim Love, of the Lonesome Dove Bistro in Fort Worth, Texas. Yee haw!

Padma tells the cheftestants that the ingredient they must all use in this week's Quickfire was picked by the home audience. Out of the choice of rattlesnake, cactus, or kangaroo, they chose the most prickly ingredient of the three. Personally, I think wrestling with live rattlesnakes could have been some real TV gold.

This is one of the ever-popular High-Stakes Quickfires in which the winner gets a chip worth 15 thousand big ones. And the loser gets bragging rights for being in the bottom three for the xth time.

Cactus is an unfamiliar ingredient for most of the cheftestants.

Really? But I can picture fields of cactus, each decorated with a red neckaircheef....

DoucheyMike, on the other hand, has played with cactus a lot, and had an interesting take on its preparation:

Hmmm...if we bury him in a mountain of salt, would it "cure" him of his douchitude?

Mattin just seems grossed out by the whole thing. Isn't he a delicate creature?

Yet he had no problem with snails escargot. Go figure.

Finally, Padma calls time and she and Tim taste the chefs' offerings. The least favorite dishes were prepared by Ash, Ron, and big surprise - BrotherMike(!). The three favorite dishes were prepared by Laurine (who?), DoucheyMike, and quelle surprise - Mattin.

DoucheyMike wins the $15K but not immunity in the next challenge. So there's always hope! Speaking of next challenges:

The cheftestants will be preparing lunch outdoors for two dozen cowboys. They can make anything they want, as long as it's high end. But first, a trip to Whole Paycheck.

While shopping, Laurine (who?) tells us she's quite the MacGyver when it comes to cooking, so she heads right to the housewares aisle to pick up a box of matches and several rolls of duct tape.

After shopping, the cheftestants head to the camp site, Sandy Valley Ranch...

...out in the Nevada desert.

When they see they have to cook over fire pits, and there are only a few cast iron pans, and no GE Monogram appliances, the chefs start bitching.

Actually, the temperature of Venus is only about 467°C.

But before the chefs can get cooking, they have to spend the night. In tents. With outhouses.

Chubby city boys don't much like to get all sweaty, do they? [NOTE FROM DAVID: No, we do not :) ]

The next day, the cheftestants have an hour and fifteen minutes to prep and cook their "high end" cowboy chow. Some chefs continue bitching, but others take it in stride.

And Mattin looooooves le camping! They apparently do that all the time in ze Basque Country, wees or weesout zee cactus!

He even knows all about zee camping food, like zee s'mores. And...ceviche?

Every time someone makes ceviche (which happens at least once a week) I flash back to the time that Tom bitched out hunky Sam Talbot for making ceviche because it wasn't actually "cooking."

That's right - serve 'em raw fish and get 'em drunk out in that desert sun. Smart.

Will someone please give these cheftestants a science lesson?

Finally, time is up and lunch is served. A motley crew of cowboys and cowgirls show up for chow, as do the judges from Noo York City. Here's a quick rundown of the commentary:

DoucheyMike's gyro has no pizazz and is uninteresting. Laurine's (who?) MacGyvered arctic char and salsa with potato was pretty good. Eli's tuna sandwich was not flavorful. Mattin's three-way ceviche was so bad, Tom spat it out. Ash's chicken with succotash was a more sensible dish, but not great. Robin's salad with shrimp was terrible

Bryan's pork loin and polenta was a nice plate and it tasted good. Jen's snapper and duck confit was also well received, as was Ashley's halibut "club." Ron's version of ceviche was too sweet but otherwise ok, but his cocktail was nasty. Kevin's roasted duck was well cooked. And finally, BrotherMike's cod and watermelon was very tasty and refreshing.

The reluctant campers then pack up their site and head back to the Glad Family of Products Stew and Booze room where they apply aloe to their sunburns and bitch about the heat. Padma comes in and requests to see Laurine (who?), Ashley, BrotherMike, and Bryan.

Gail was impressed that Bryan's dish was so perfect. And BrotherMike's dish was unexpected. Ultimately, Tim Love awarded the win to Bryan, much to the chagrin of his little brother.

On the bottom were Robin, Ron, and Mattin, who provided the most disappointing dishes at the ranch. Mattin seemed surprised that he was on the bottom, as he thought his "sree-way" of ceviche was supérieur. Unfortunately, some cod got cooked by the citrus juice, and some didn't.

Tim claims it actually made him sick.

Although Robin's shrimp tasted like chlorine, and Ron's "mojito" was vile, Mattin's cluelessness got him the boot.

Hope you liked the post, despite it being late. Please leave your comments for me here.

Top Chef Las Vegas Episode Four Recap

NOTE FROM DAVID: Thanks, as always, to The Minx for sharing her fabulous Top Chef recap with us. PLEASE leave her a comment and tell her what you thought - the link for comments is at the end of this post.

Welcome to another recap of Top Chef Las Vegas, this week with 500% more Frenchitude!

The cheftestants have a change in venue today. Instead of meeting Padma in the Top Chef Kitchen, they head to Daniel Boulud's Brasserie at the Wynn. There they find Tom, along with Chef Boulud himself.

Immediately zee Frawnch factor goes up 100%.

Tom gives an introductory spiel about the fabulosity of the guest chef in which he pronounces Boulud's name weirdly, at least to my ear.

Those darn French with their weird hard-to-pronounce names!

Chef Boulud is kind of a big deal. At least Eli thinks so.

Enough ass-kissing - time for the Quickfire!

Zee challenge is to make a winning dish using snail as the main protein. Chef Boulud says he wants to taste things he's never eaten before. (Hmm...how about...snail ice cream?)

Mattin wets his red-trimmed knickers in excitement.

Tom interrupts Mattin's reverie by adding a twist to the contest:

The winner of the challenge gets immunity, plus an extra super-special bonus to be named later.

The chefs get full rein of Boulud's kitchen and pantry and they scurry off to torture the wee gastropods into something that resembles food. Ashley is nervous, but DoucheyMike is stoked. His cooking background is Greek, and he says snails are a popular delicacy in Crete. Good for them. Hector goes for Caribbean flavors (snail ceviche maybe?), and Mattin continues to piddle with glee. He says l'escargot are his whole youth, which has me picturing him as a child going out to play, wearing a shell on his back. With the red scarf, of course.

Yeah, like that.

Jen makes an observation:

If you slather something in enough garlic butter it suddenly becomes edible.

Knives down, hands up! The chefs bring out their dishes for Tom and Chef B. to try. Now you might get on me because I like to make fun of zee Frawnch. Ok, maybe you won't, but I'm sure someone out there doesn't like it. But honestly - they beg to be mocked. I swear Boulud said this:

Seriously - how is that not funny? Ok, I'm 12.

Anyhoo, their three favorite dishes belong to DoucheyMike, to Jennifer, and to Kevin. Kevin is awarded the win, largely on the presence of something he calls "bacon jam" on his plate. Fucking brilliant, that Kevin, even if he looks like an extra from Lord of the Rings.

The bottom three are Ashley, Robin, and Jesse. I can't remember which of them was "da turd" (in this case, perhaps all three). Because this is a High-Stakes^tm Quickfire, they have to do battle yet again to find out which of them is the biggest loser of all.

Anything? If I was a smartass (and I am) I'd be so tempted to whip up something with moldy sponges and dish detergent, but that would probably land my tuckus on the street.

Ashley, Jesse, and Robin scurry into the kitchen and whip up their amuses. Robin does soup, Ashley goes full-French with foie gras, and Jesse plays with quail eggs.

No big surprise here - the dish least amusant belongs to Jesse.

When Jesse leaves, the knife block comes out and the remaining cheftestants, except for Kevin, draw knives. Each sharp cutting implement has the name of a favorite Frawnch protein or a classic Frawnch sauce. The chefs pair themselves up to create a six-course meal:

Ron's frog legs with Robin's sauce Meuniere
Ashley's poussin with Mattin's Velouté
Laurine's lobster with Eli's sauce Américaine
Bryan's trout with DoucheyMike's Bernaise
BrotherMike's rabbit with Jen's sauce Chausseur
Hector's chateaubriand with Ash's au Poivre

And if that's not French enough for you, here's where the Frenchitude gets cranked up to 11: this meal will be served to Hubert Keller, Laurent Tourondel, Daniel Boulud, Jean Joho, and the magnificent, the stupendous, the Frenchiest French Chef of them all--Jöel Robuchon...

...plus Kevin. He is not only immune from elimination, he doesn't even have to cook. And he gets to dine on his fellow cheftestants' creations, even though he's not French. With a name like Gillespie, he's Irish, which is basically the opposite of French.

The cheftestants have 2 hours in the Top Chef kitchen and then 1 hour in the kitchen of Jöel Robuchon at the MGM Grand. But first - a thrilling trip to Whole Paycheck!

Obviously these guys have never watched the original Japanese version of Iron Chef in which Robuchon judged some Frenchy battle. He exists! And the horn in the middle of his forehead is hardly noticeable.

Time for the great feast! The cheftestants head over to the MGM Grand, home of Jöel Robuchon, the restaurant.

The chefs get one hour to scurry around in Robuchon's cute black-and-white tiled kitchen. Then each pair of chefs gets to present their dishes to the assembly of French Culinary Superheros, plus Tom, Gail, Padma, and Kevin of the Rings.

Padma introduces the herd of Frenchness and saves Robuchon for last, like he's some sort of demi-god. I think he looks like a toad.

Ron and Robin go first. They are overwhelmed. And their frogs' legs are both over-cooked and over-breaded.

Frog. I meant you look like a frog.

Bryan and DoucheyMike go next with their warm cured trout and deconstructed Bernaise. It was deemed simple, yet really sophisticated, and Jöel liked it a lot. (Damn, aren't I impudent, calling the man by his first name?)

Eli and Laurine then presented their lobster with sauce Américaine. The lobster was predictably tough and the sauce was bitter. Jöelarino wasn't pleased.

Red Scarf Boy and Ashley go next.

Their poussin and velouté was not well-received. There was too much bacon in the sauce, and the chicken was dry.

Jen and BrotherMike go next with their rabbit in sauce chausseur. Tom thought it was mature work, and the Jöelmeister said it was a successful dish, cooked perfectly.

Finally, we have Ash and Hector with their chateaubriand au poivre. It sounded to me as if Ash mispronounced "chateaubriand" as "shot of brandy" but maybe he was just suggesting that he needed a drink....

Hector had trouble cooking the meat to temperature and waited until the very last moments to plate it. By that point, the sauce had been sucked up by the rest of the elements on the plate, so that particular and very integral element wasn't evident to the judges. Also, the meat was cooked unevenly, wasn't allowed to rest long enough, and Gail's piece looked as if it had been hacked off the roast with an axe.

As if that was a bad thing.

Meal ordeal is over - time for Judges' Table. Of course, Padma has to make herself sound as morose as possible as she calls Bryan, DoucheyMike, BrotherMike, and Jen out for judging. All four of them know they did well and pat each other on the back. Overall, the judges like Bryan's trout the best and give him the win. And as a bonus gift - he is invited to stage at Jöel Robuchon. Seems like a fabulous opportunity, but a stage is basically an unpaid internship in which the intern follows a chef around the kitchen for a while, observing. But in all likelihood, Bryan would be following around whomever is the executive chef at Jöel Robuchon. I doubt Jöelarooni himself even goes into a kitchen anymore.

The winners go back to the Glad Stew 'n' Booze Room and call out the bottom teams: Ashley and Mattin, Ash and Hector.

The judges criticized Mattin's velouté as being too close to gravy and being a case in which using bacon was not a good thing. What? How is that even possible?

They then turned to Ash and wondered where the sauce au poivre was and why the meat was not allowed to rest properly after cooking. Boulud tells Hector that a chateaubriand should take about 30 minutes in the oven whereas he had an hour. And Gail once again complained that her slice looked like it had been hacked off the roast by a caveman.

Ultimately the beef lost it for Hector.

Hope you enjoyed it! Please leave comments for me here.