Friday, June 10, 2011

Wait Till They See The Baby

My liver function tests keep coming back with red exclamation marks, so yesterday my doctor scheduled me for an ultrasound to take a look at what's going on. Won't everyone be surprised when they find Franky G's immaculately-conceived baby growing in my tummy!

MAURY says: "Franky G, you ARE the father!"

Until my ultrasound (on Wednesday), I'm forbidden from drinking - since Bacardi Limon and Livers get along like Sarah Palin and Facts. In fact, I haven't had even a sip of hooch since brunch on May 8th. Not that I'm counting or anything...

In other news, my blood pressure - after being normal for years (despite my 'morbid obesity' - yes, that's what it says on my chart), has increased the past 3 doctor visits. So now I'm taking blood pressure medication - yet another pill to add to the daily regimen.

Also, my doctor is referring me to a Shrink, so we can figure out which variety of Crazy Pills are the best for me. But Dr. Crazy better not even THINK about dealing with my Franky G delusions - I'd prefer to keep those just the way they are, thankyouverymuch.

And, finally, I'm still wrangling with teeth issues, which - as Jeebus is my witness - will also be handled next week.

Bottom line: My liver drama and high blood pressure are probably a result of me weighing 300 pounds (see "Morbid Obesity", above). So, yeah, I should probably do something about that before I drop dead.

Unless, of course, I AM pregnant - then we'll blame Franky G and his baby for this enormous belly.



Sam said...

Oh ho puhlease. 300 lbs? That sounds like such a good number. Well bitch you leave me no choice, I'm submitting a video audition of Tug and The queen bunny for our chance at stardom and fame on The biggest gay losers edition. I have our pank spandex weigh in outfits pressed and ready.
Just one thing what song shall I play in the background of our video tape?
Move bitch get out the way by ludacris or
Baby got back by sir mix alot?

froggy said...

oh, sweetie, we're gonna (oops SP slip there) get you in fighting form so you can wrastle FrankyG alls you want.
(You and me both... though FrankyG is not on my smorgasbord being a married woman and all.)

Mechadude2001 said...

That damn Franky G has been trying to trap you with a baby for years.

theminx said...

Your BP is up because your doctor is stressing you out!

Gotta take care of yourself, hon. I want to have dinners with you for many years to come.


mrs. miss alaineus said...

i'm sure the BP is stress related. being in pain can drive it up too so hopefully getting the teeth thing taken care of will also lower it. i'm sorry you are having to deal with all this- keep taking care of you.


truth said...

Feel better friend. I too will be on the HBP medicine soon, it's a function of age/ weight/ and my love of salt! My mom had it - it's hereditary too. Stop beating yourself up! That's an order.
Today is National Iced Tea Day, that can be your drink. Put an umbrella in to make it festive.
- cariboubarbie

Joy said...

My blood pressure got high when I was pregnant, too. xoxoxoxxo

Robert-Kent said...

I feel a Maury show coming on because you know it happens when you are all slutty and stuff, not that I know...cough..cough..

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

You should start a Dust Bunny weight loss program/challenge. I would participate.

Miss Ginger Grant said...

Take care of your liver, honey, you need that thing!

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