Top Chef Season 9 Ep 1 - Casting Special Part I

Last night’s episode of Top Chef was basically just a casting special with sauté pans – they were starting out with 29 potential cheftestants and whittling it down to 16. And they didn’t even finish! We’ll have to wait until next week to find out who is actually competing on the real show - which is kind of shady, akshully. 

The show begins with Padma introducing the show and the judges – Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons and Her Boobies, Chef Hugh Acheson, and … ugh … Emeril Lagasse. 

Then, suddenly, we are at the Alamo, where the (literally) dozens of potential cheftestants gather. And, as always, the moment I hear the word “Alamo” I think of this… 

There’s no basement in the Alamo! 

The chefs will form 3 groups and take turns in the Top Chef kitchen competing for a spot on the show. Group #1 arrives in the kitchen and the first thing they see is a big pig! And alongside Emeril are Tom and a big pile of pork parts. The Chefs will be butchering/cooking the various parts of Emeril the pig for their challenge. 

The chefs introduce themselves and we have lots of James Beard award nominees, blah blah blah. BTW – is it just me, or does a “James Beard Award” sound like something a woman would win for dating closeted gay men? If that’s the case, then Renee Zellweger is in the James Beard Hall of Friggin Fame. 

Anywhore, the first chef we’re introduced to is Chef Tyler Douchenozzle, Personal Chef-To-The-Stars. Tyler talks like Thurston Howell III – he doesn’t move his jaw – and he basically goes on about how fabulous he is and how he wrote a cookbook in three days and whatnot. Well, the fabulosity ends the moment that buttnugget has to actually do something – in this case butcher his pork chops. It’s so bad that Chef Tom tells him to pack his knives and go WHILE HE’S STILL USING HIS KNIVES. God, I love this show. 

Cooking cooking cooking. After the cooking is over, Padma, Emeril and Tom sit down at a little judges table to find out what’s what. Padma recites the confusing rules – majority of two votes win but they could keep you “on the bubble” which means you would have to cook again in order to make the final show. 

Making the cut: Chef Gay Glasses and his sous chef Gay Facial Hair, both Big Chicago Gals and the African American Gal. 

On the bubble: Cruise Ship Soup Nazi and Tiny Tenderloin Lady. 

Out: Tattoo Latino Guy and Vegan with the sloppy soup. 

Now it’s time for group #2. This time the cheftestants enter the kitchen to find Gail, Padma and Tom – alongside a table of various proteins. The chefs are to select one protein, and each will create a dish using the same main ingredient. And don’t you know they chose the poor, adorable BUNNY RABBIT!!! 

We are introduced to this group of cheftestants, and the person who stands out to me is someone named “Tylor Boring”. Yes, you read that correctly – although it gets better. Tylor’s parents decided that he REALLY needed to be beaten up as a child so they threw in a hyphen AND an umlaut to make his first name “Ty-lör”. So, let’s review, his name is “Ty-lör Boring” and I pray to the sweet Baby Jeebus that he makes it just so I can joke about his name all season. 

Cooking cooking cooking. Padma, Gail and Tom sit down at the judges table and prepare to judge. Here are the results. 

In: Enormous Former Drug Dealer Dude, some chick named Whitney, Mr. Boring (YES!!!!!!!), some gal named Dakota, The Pretty White Boy and the adorable Pocket Latino. 

Bubble: The Korean Guy, The Lesbian Whose Dad Died 

Out: The Chick With No Rabbit On Her Plate 

And then, before you know it, the show was over. I was thinking that maybe it would be a two hour special but nope – we have to wait until next week to see Group #3 and the Bubble People compete for the final spots. 

Until then…