Alternate Title: Kenley is SUCH a Tulle!
On last week’s Project Runway (which I didn’t recap), Kenley (AKA “Stankley”) created a new musical genre – Hip Hop Stank – when she dressed up Leanne in a redonkulous ‘hip hop’ outfit. Stankley should have been sent home, but Suede got the auf for being less TV-worthy. I even felt bad for all that past Suede neck-stab talk, when it became obvious that Stankley deserved the dirty fork-stabbing from day one. Oh, and I decided I need to “make it work” with LL Cool J just once before I die. Then he could change his name to ‘DL Cool J’ – David Loves Cool James.
Good morning campers! The three remaining women prepare for their last regular challenge, and Kenley has decided that LEANNE is the reason her “hip hop” outfit sucked butt during the last challenge. Look beeyotch, I don’t accuse Ronald McDonald of SABOTAGE! when I step on the scale in the morning – and you shouldn’t blame Leanne for your Stank Hop Mess. Because of this, Stankley isn’t speaking to Korto and Leanne, who are obviously crushed.
JerHell – the last remaining male in the competition – is all alone in the boy’s apartment and has lost his mind. JerHell has rounded up a Tim Gunn bobblehead and two pieces of old fruit (representing Suede and StraightJoe) and is having a conversation with all of them. A meaningful conversation. Actually, it was probably better than actual past conversations he had with Suede and Joe. And the dried up old apple playing the role of Suede thankfully doesn’t speak in the third person … at least not as much. I’m going to have to go to the Fruit Stand and get me some new friends.
But wait a second. PLEASE tell me that the role of JerHell in this scene is NOT being played by an Aunt Jemima syrup bottle. Oh Lord. I swear, if he brings in a box of Uncle Ben’s rice, I’m calling the Politically Incorrect Police. JerHell departs the apartment and tells his new pals not to “rot on the counter!”. True friendship can be a beautiful thing.
Onto the runway. Heidi is rockin’ a slutty-times-three leopard print dress that barely covers what her Mama gave her. It’s time for the model selection. Wait, there are MODELS on this show? I had forgotten. Nobody changes models and Heidi tells the designers to meet Tim for another field trip.
Everyone piles in the van for a trip outside of Manhattan. Stankley sits in the front seat with Tim, and they make less eye contact than McCain and Obama on debate night. Even Saint Tim of the Gunn can’t stand her stank.
They end up in the BOOGIE-DOWN BRONX at the New York Botanical Gardens. This is yet another NYC landmark that I haven’t found the time to visit in the 16 years I lived here – although I’ve been to the Bronx Zoo next door. Maybe I’ll round up a cantaloupe and a papaya and the three of us will go this weekend. It’ll be fun.
JerHell makes a comment about how “therapeutic” the gardens and flowers are, to which Tim responds with his second obscure “Mommie Dearest” reference of this season (bonus points to the first person who can identify the first reference in the comments section). Tim says it’s therapeutic unless you’re a Joan Crawford control freak who doesn’t want “the bloom to fade”. I seriously hope Tim is seeking professional help for this – it sounds serious. At the very least he needs to take Mommie Dearest out of his DVD player for a little while.
Speaking of faded blooms … we are introduced to the L’Oreal Paris Makeup Queen – Collier Strong. Did anyone ever notice Collier has a hot daddy deep voice, considering he blends eye shadow for a living? Is it just me? Anywhoo, Collier is here for his annual L’Oreal Paris commercials, er… I mean CONSULTATIONS.
Strong-voiced Mr. Strong announces that this week’s challenge will be to create an evening gown using “nature” as their inspiration. They have one hour to roam the Botanical Gardens and take pictures. The fashiontestants grab cameras and go get inspired.
JerHell comes across a rose bush with very deep purples and reds, Korto is reminded of her Mama’s garden in Africa, and Kenley thinks this challenge is “perfect for me!” since she loves using bright colors! Gag me with a Gerbera Daisy.
Leanne is being chased by bees, and I just hope this isn’t the direction she decides to go…
Good morning campers! The three remaining women prepare for their last regular challenge, and Kenley has decided that LEANNE is the reason her “hip hop” outfit sucked butt during the last challenge. Look beeyotch, I don’t accuse Ronald McDonald of SABOTAGE! when I step on the scale in the morning – and you shouldn’t blame Leanne for your Stank Hop Mess. Because of this, Stankley isn’t speaking to Korto and Leanne, who are obviously crushed.
JerHell – the last remaining male in the competition – is all alone in the boy’s apartment and has lost his mind. JerHell has rounded up a Tim Gunn bobblehead and two pieces of old fruit (representing Suede and StraightJoe) and is having a conversation with all of them. A meaningful conversation. Actually, it was probably better than actual past conversations he had with Suede and Joe. And the dried up old apple playing the role of Suede thankfully doesn’t speak in the third person … at least not as much. I’m going to have to go to the Fruit Stand and get me some new friends.
But wait a second. PLEASE tell me that the role of JerHell in this scene is NOT being played by an Aunt Jemima syrup bottle. Oh Lord. I swear, if he brings in a box of Uncle Ben’s rice, I’m calling the Politically Incorrect Police. JerHell departs the apartment and tells his new pals not to “rot on the counter!”. True friendship can be a beautiful thing.
Onto the runway. Heidi is rockin’ a slutty-times-three leopard print dress that barely covers what her Mama gave her. It’s time for the model selection. Wait, there are MODELS on this show? I had forgotten. Nobody changes models and Heidi tells the designers to meet Tim for another field trip.
Everyone piles in the van for a trip outside of Manhattan. Stankley sits in the front seat with Tim, and they make less eye contact than McCain and Obama on debate night. Even Saint Tim of the Gunn can’t stand her stank.
They end up in the BOOGIE-DOWN BRONX at the New York Botanical Gardens. This is yet another NYC landmark that I haven’t found the time to visit in the 16 years I lived here – although I’ve been to the Bronx Zoo next door. Maybe I’ll round up a cantaloupe and a papaya and the three of us will go this weekend. It’ll be fun.
JerHell makes a comment about how “therapeutic” the gardens and flowers are, to which Tim responds with his second obscure “Mommie Dearest” reference of this season (bonus points to the first person who can identify the first reference in the comments section). Tim says it’s therapeutic unless you’re a Joan Crawford control freak who doesn’t want “the bloom to fade”. I seriously hope Tim is seeking professional help for this – it sounds serious. At the very least he needs to take Mommie Dearest out of his DVD player for a little while.
Speaking of faded blooms … we are introduced to the L’Oreal Paris Makeup Queen – Collier Strong. Did anyone ever notice Collier has a hot daddy deep voice, considering he blends eye shadow for a living? Is it just me? Anywhoo, Collier is here for his annual L’Oreal Paris commercials, er… I mean CONSULTATIONS.
Strong-voiced Mr. Strong announces that this week’s challenge will be to create an evening gown using “nature” as their inspiration. They have one hour to roam the Botanical Gardens and take pictures. The fashiontestants grab cameras and go get inspired.
JerHell comes across a rose bush with very deep purples and reds, Korto is reminded of her Mama’s garden in Africa, and Kenley thinks this challenge is “perfect for me!” since she loves using bright colors! Gag me with a Gerbera Daisy.
Leanne is being chased by bees, and I just hope this isn’t the direction she decides to go…
Or…
And especially not…
Luckily, Leanne settles on a Lavender flower/plant.
Everyone returns to Parsons, where they have 30 minutes to choose one picture for their inspiration. We find out they will have two days to complete the challenge – which is officially called the “L’Oreal Paris Challenge” because the Bronx Botanical Gardens wasn’t about to pony up sponsorship funds. We are in an economic crisis, bitches.
Off to Mood – where they have $250 dollars to spend on fabric. Leanne goes lavender, Tim steers JerHell away from yellow sequins (isn’t it a little late in the game to be making a bad choice like that?!?) and Stankley finds a scaly fuchsia snakeskin-esque fabric. I’m surprised the wardrobe people from the Broadway production of The Little Mermaid didn’t buy all that up. It is VERY “♫ Under The Sea…♫”.
They return to Parsons and get to work. Korto seems a little off her game today, and is taking longer than usual to determine her direction. Leanne is creating a lavender gown with a “tiered effect”. And JerHell is letting the fabrics talk to him and help him find his direction. He’s a fruit AND a fabric-whisperer. Wait, that didn’t come out right.
Stankley realizes she left an entire bag of tulle back at Mood – and JerHell, Korto, and Leanne can barely contain their glee. Note to Stankley – this is called “Karma”– look it up. Korto and JerHell, who have extra tulle, are NOT about to share any with the Stankster. Guess you’ll just have to make it work, beeyotch!!
The next morning as everyone prepares for the day, Kenley is still whining about her missing tulle, and announces she is still in no mood to speak to the others. They are still crushed, I’m sure.
At Parsons, Kenley approaches JerHell and asks if she can “buy your tool?”. I mean TULLE. Wait, what are we talking about again?!? I just keep thinking about that trousersnake I saw in JerHell’s “Rock and Roll” pants last week. FYI - it was a WHOPPER. Anywhoo, JerHell ain’t selling his tool OR his tulle to the Stankmeister.
Then Tim Gunn has to come in and ruin everyone’s fun – Stankley can return to Mood later and get her tulle. Maybe she can pick up a tool on the way back. Wait … I’m confusing myself again…
The models come in for fittings and the four gowns begin to take shape. It is obvious that JerHell, Leanne and Korto really like each other and are having a good time. It is also obvious how they feel about Stankley – who has retreated to the other side of the room. She whines that she has had to deal with being left out her whole life and “I don’t know why!”. Everyone else does. Stankley heads off to Mood to pick up the lost bag of tulle, and the three others step up their behind-her-back hating. JerHell calls Stankley’s gown the “Purplezilla Costume!” and he is not exaggerating.
On her way to Mood, Kenley gives us some background information on her hard-knock life. Oh.My.God. Her father was a … wait for it … a TUGBOAT CAPTAIN. Here is a picture of him…
And here is a picture of Stankley together with the father she so adores…
Kenley has obviously packed on a few pounds since that picture was taken.
And then, I swear on the grave of Judy Garland, Stankley says “I yam what I yam”. I am not making this shit up, and now I’m hungry for sautéed spinach.
Stankley returns to Parson’s with her tulle, and Tim does a quick visit with all four designers. He has some issues with Korto’s lacy gown – describing the back as “Catherine The Great” which would make it “Catherine The Not So Great”.
Tim holds his nose and approaches Countess Stankula. He asks, “How are you?”.
“I love the dress!!” she replies. He didn’t ask how your Loch Ness Mess of a Dress was doing, he asked how YOU were doing (although he obviously doesn’t care). Tim is concerned about the fish scale look of the dress, to which she replies “Cool!!”. Is she hearing the same words out of Tim’s mouth that I’m hearing?!? Tim reminds Stankley that this challenge is a botanical theme, not a nautical one – but Stankley remains unconcerned. She loves her dress, and doesn’t know what “botanical” and “nautical” mean anyway. She is the Sarah Palin of fashion.
Tim likee JerHell’s look, but is concerned about the dress' unfinished state. Tim suggests that Lavender Leanne’s dress is a little “Hello Dolly” at the bottom. Leanne decides to make adjustments based on Tim’s critique, which is what any non-stank designer would do. Leanne is feeling a little overwhelmed by being so close to Bryant Park, but still having so much to do. JerHell encourages her to “Twerk it out, Boo-Boo”, which he heard from a tangerine once.
It’s the last regular runway day, and JerHell is ironing. And crying. Wait, did the iron say something mean to him?!? I can’t keep track of all of JerHell’s friends. Korto is reading the Bible and crying. Leanne is wishing everyone luck. Stankley is thinking about how much she hates these other bitches, and how “amazing” she is as a designer. Stank is as stank does.
Back at Parsons, everyone has one hour to prepare before the runway show. Stankley talks about how she doesn’t like what any of the other designers have created and I am getting tired of documenting her foul behavior. She is the Empress of Stank (“Stankerine The Great”??) – let’s leave it at that.
Time for the show. Heidi comes out rockin’ … oh my God … Heidi is wearing pants! Seriously, something is wrong. Is this some kind of subtle message to Bravo or Lifetime? If so, what is the message?? Is she pregnant again??? What does this mean!???!! I know the economy is going to hell and we are getting ready for the most important election of my lifetime, but seriously ya’ll, HEIDI KLUM IS WEARING PANTS ON THE RUNWAY!!!
Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors (who has caught Nina’s cold), Nina Garcia, and designer Georgina Chapman. Let’s start the show.
Korto is first. She describes her dress as a bit “janky” – which is a hip way of saying it’s not her best work.
Leanne is next with a lavender version of everything Rami ever created for last season. Nice.
JerHell follows Leanne. I don’t care for this dress, which means it will win.
Stankley is last and all I could think of is “♫ Under The Sea…♫”. Her father, Steamboat Willy, would be proud.
The judges speak to the designers. They generally likee Leanne’s outfit, although Nina makes the model turn around, prompting a patented “There seems to be a problem here” while using her pointer finger to highlight the problem areas. Can you imagine Nina Garcia running a Weight Watcher’s meeting? I picture her pointing to my beer gut and me running out the door.
The judges no likee Korto’s yellow gown – saying it could only be worn at a beauty pageant. This makes Korto cry. Maybe JerHell’s mean iron is talking to her.
The judges likee JerHell’s outfit (I told you), and Heidi has her usual boobie-placement issues. But how can we take a supermodel seriously if she’s wearing pants? The other judges think JerHell’s gown was nice, but a little unfinished.
Then we get to Stankley. I’ll break it down for you: Kenley LOVES it (natch). The judges don’t. Stankley is rude, and Nina Garcia makes a silent vow to devote the rest her life to destroying Kenley’s fashion career. “Cliché” … “It is NOT!!” … “Attitude” … eye-rolling. Stankley even disrespects Heidi, but that could be because she doesn’t recognize Heidi in pants.
Then Heidi asks the “throw one beeyotch under bus” question: Why should you move forward, and which two should go with you?
JerHell starts crying. Blah, blah, blah, sob, he wants to make it to Bryant Park, blah, sob, blah. Then Heidi asks him who should go with him and JerHell suddenly stops crying and starts throwing Stankley under the bus.
Stankley objects and tries to interrupt – but JerHell shuts her up and says it should be him, Korto, and Leanne “at the tents”. And, like a true Queen Diva, repeats the phrase loudly and with emphasis while looking at Madame Stank – “AT THE TENTS!!!”. I want a t-shirt.
Leanne and Korto do some Stankley under-the-bus-throwing themselves. Now it’s Stankley’s turn. Kenley thinks she should go to Bryant Park because she will “do a great job!”. Oh shut your piehole. And by the way, Stankley selects Leanne and JerHell to go with her, but you can tell she’d prefer to go alone. They head backstage for the judges to discuss and for Korto and Kenley to yell at each other.
It becomes very apparent that the judges, as a whole, weren’t impressed by the results of this challenge and the results are extremely close. It looks like Leanne and JerHell are the top two, and Korto and Stankley are the bottom two.
Now I’m getting nervous. Bravo has a history of sending a perfectly talented and deserving person home at this stage of the game in order to keep the stank (and thus the viewership) in the competition. I’m thinking about Austin Scarlett being aufed instead of Wendy Pepper. I’m thinking about Santino. And then, of course, you have Stank Lisa from last season’s Top Chef. I wonder if Lisa and Kenley are Facebook friends?
But can they REALLY send Korto home at this point? She’s probably the most talented person in the competition. But, as Heidi says, only three will “compete” in the final competition.
The designers are summoned back to the runway for the results. JerHell is the winner, but “just barely”, the stranger in the pants adds. Heidi then announces that ALL FOUR of the designers will return home to create collections – but only three of them will compete in Bryant Park – meaning there will be elimination drama upon their return to NYC.
Everyone returns backstage and breathes a sigh of relief – including Tim, who doesn’t have to send someone up to the workroom to clean up their space. Tim even calls for a group hug, but Stankley remains seated. Finally, Tim tells Kenley to “let bygones be bygones”, but Kenley doesn’t know what “bygones” are either and she’s pretty sure she doesn’t want any of them. By the way, do they need any fashion designers in Alaska??
Next week: Tim visits Casa de Stank, rides bikes with Leanne, and gets “sexual” with Korto. Till then, bitches!!
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