So THAT Happened ...

Anyone have anything to say about last night's Top Chef All Stars Finale?? Cause I got nothing.

Actually, that's not true, I've got a couple things....

• I know it's a horrible thing to say, but I was kinda hoping Bighead Mike would win - just to see what kind of quivering, jibberish-spewing, Gollum-esque MESS Blais would have turned into. And YES, I DO know I'm going to Hell - see you there.

• We (the viewers) are at a disadvantage when the judges get near-perfect meals. Since we can't taste the fabulous food, we must rely on drama in order to be entertained - and last night there was very little drama. Blais was a tad psychotic, and Bighead Mike was a tad too confident - end of story. For example, I would have given anything to see Jamie screw up a scallops dish again. Anything!

• I had to chuckle when Art Smith said "I didn't like the way it felt in my mouth". Especially when I realized that particular phrase has never left MY mouth.

• Gail Simmons and The Boobies simply ADORE sauces made from long, tubular pork products. Please make a note of it.

• Finally, if Carla Hall doesn't get her own show, then the people in charge of The Teevee need a swift kick in the Hootie Hoos. I would watch the hell outta anything she was on - especially if the show also included Carla's adorable husband:

Well, that's all I got. Anybody have any thoughts? Feel free to let it all out in the Comments section...

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Last Night On Top Chef: The Second-To-Last Supper

I watched Top Chef All Stars last night - and even took notes - but of course I left those notes at home. So now you'll just have to make due with some random thoughts which ya'll can discuss in the comments:

• Did anyone else feel like the producers took about 15 minutes of watchable television and stretched it out for a full hour? Let's face it, we all knew Blais was going to the FINALLY FINITO finale, so when it came down to "one bite" at the end to determine who he would compete against, it seemed like the first 45 minutes were kind of useless.

• Come to think of it, this entire season should have been called Top Chef: Meatloaf - a little bit of good meat and a whole bunch of filler.

• Last night Bighead Mike remarked that Wolfgang Puck was the only Chef he knew as a kid. What kind of childhood did he have?? Didn't he know about the Swedish Chef?...

• Or the Cream of Wheat guy?...

• Or, my personal favorite?...

• During the Quickfire, when Blais speculated that hot dogs must be "near and dear" to Austrian Wolfgang Puck's heart, I had an epiphany ... THIS IS WHY I LOVE WIENERS!! My father's side of the family, in fact, is of Austrian descent.

• It took Michelle Bernstein (below, with Bighead) exactly TWO sentences to inform us that she's "Latin and Jewish". Chef Bernstein is slipping ... those are usually the FIRST words out of her mouth.

• Dear Richard Blais: Winning "the most challenges in Top Chef history" is something to be proud of. However, when you remind us every 15 minutes of this achievement you sound a bit douchenozzly. Wait - scratch that. A LOT douchenozzly. Just saying.

• With that being said, I'll have to root for Blais in the ULTIMATE FINALLY REALLY-THIS-IS-IT FINAL FINALE. Because, you know, I just CAN'T with Bighead.

Thoughts? Predictions? Criticisms? "Last Supper" jokes?? Leave 'em in the Comments...

Last Night on Top Chef All Stars

Just a few thoughts about last night's episode:

• I may be in the minority here, but I have begun to really dislike Richard Blais (above). Last night he actually said, and I quote, "I think there's added pressure on ME because I lost my season ...". Um, here's a newsflash for ya Blais - everyone on All Stars lost their season. Stop acting like losing Top Chef Season Four was some kind of TRAGEDY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS. You lost - it happened - get over it.
• Yes Richard, we know you're "nervous" - you say it every week. We also know you "hate everything you do". And thanks to your increasingly psycho personality on All Stars, I now hate everything you do also. Happy now?
• As much as I don't care for Bighead Mike, I would almost prefer that he wins over Richard - just to see the look on Richard's face. Evil, I know, but true.
• Bighead, however, needs to learn how to talk about how great his food is - as opposed to how bad everyone else's food sucks.
• Did you see Padma flirting with the "Commodore"? Someone should have informed Ms. Lakshmi that he was NOT a member of "The Commodores" (below) and doesn't have "Brick House" and "Three Times A Lady" money in the bank. In the immortal words of Kanye West ... "I ain't sayin' she a gold-digger..."

• I didn't see the entire episode - did they explain why everyone was dressed up like they were attending the annual White Party in Miami after dinner?

• And, finally, I've never heard so much CONCH TALK in all my life!!!

Anybody have any thought about last night's episode. Please leave a comment and tell us what's on your mind...

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Tonight On Top Chef All Stars

Tonight on Top Chef All Stars, they're down to the final four, and as part of their challenge the Cheftestants must go diving for conch. Should be easy enough, when I was in my 20's and 30's I pretty much did that every weekend...

Um ... wait ... conch?? Oh CONCH. Yeah um ... no, never done that before.

I probably won't be recapping tomorrow (work stuff and a doctor's appointment) - but I'll try and put up a "Discuss Amongst Yourselves" post in the morning.

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Top Chef All Stars Ep. 12 - The Most Amazing Episode EVER!

OMG – did you see last night’s episode of Top Chef All Stars?!? Wow!! SO MUCH HAPPENED!!! It was an action-packed 75 minutes, so let’s just dive right in – we have a lot to cover.

FYI: my notes are a little sketchy (I was just so enthralled with all the fast-paced events taking place on-screen), so my facts might be a little bit off…

It is morning in Brooklyn, and the Cheftestants gather in the Top Chef apartment to try and predict what might be in store for them. Antonia thinks maybe Padma could be stopping by, but she couldn’t have been more wrong! Chef Tom Colicchio shows up at the door, wearing nothing but a leather harness and assless chaps!! The Cheftestants totally freak out!

Tom tells them to meet him in the basement, which just happens to be the official Top Chef Dungeon. I’m not quite sure why they had to meet there, besides the fact that they all got a chance to flog a shirtless Marcel (he was chained to the wall). Fun!

After the flogging, Tom instructs the Cheftestants to head over to the Staten Island Ferry. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Staten Island Ferry is a commuter boat which carries people back and forth from Staten Island – New York’s only Republican borough. That why we let the Ferry crash every now and again – we don’t want those Republicans getting too comfortable in our very Democratic city.

Anywhore, the Cheftestants head to the tip of Manhattan and get on the Ferry. Once there, they find a note which informs them that their Quickfire Challenge will actually take place ON the Ferry! They are instructed to create a dish out of whatever they can find on the boat – cigarette butts, old life preservers, discarded Dunkin’ Donuts cups, etc.

And as if that wasn't hard enough – the Cheftestants won’t even have a clock to time themselves! They will be cooking “toot to toot”. A homeless man (who sleeps on the Ferry) will fart to mark the beginning of the challenge, and when enough gas has built up, will fart again to indicate the Quickfire is over.

Ready … set … TOOT!!!

The Chefs scramble, and before they know it they hear a loud, familiar sputtering sound - indicating that they must stop.

The Ferry docks in Staten Island, where the Chefs are greeted by Padma and a Barbershop Quartet!

This particular Barbershop Quartet is known for its four-part harmonies and love of local, sustainable food. So Diverse! After tasting, the Barbershop Quartet actually SINGS the results (in pitch-perfect harmony – natch). On the bottom were Bighead Mike for a soup he made out of a discarded New York Times, and on top was Carla – who made a salad out of an orange peel she found in the trash can. Blais was visibly annoyed that he didn’t win – especially since he poisoned a couple of seagulls (he carries poison in his knife bag, always) and roasted them with a Bic lighter. Blais called his dish “Chicken of the Sea, Flambé”, but it failed to impress Padma and the harmonizing, locally-grown vocalists. Too bad!

Padma notes that this will be their last challenge in New York City, and only four of them will continue to the Bahamas for the finals.

For this week’s elimination challenge, the Cheftestants must create a dish that represents their family and their heritage. And to help them, each Cheftestant gets a visit from … … THEIR EVIL TWINS!!!!!

Yep, that’s right – apparently each of the five remaining Cheftestants have Evil Twins, and Top Chef flew them in to assist in the challenge. All except Bighead Mikey, of course, who IS the Evil Twin – so his Good Twin showed up.

The Cheftestants sit down with their twins to discuss their families, and their dishes. Not much came out of this, besides the HUGE bombshell that ANTONIA AND BIGHEAD MIKE ARE ACTUALLY BROTHER AND SISTER!!! AND DARTH VADER IS THEIR FATHER!!! I know, right?!? Weird!!!

Anywhore, after meeting with their twins, they head to Coney Island to cook family-inspired hot dogs at Nathan’s Famous. I'm not sure why they picked Coney Island - it seems to me that Ellis Island would have been a better location for a family challenge, but whatevs.

The Cheftestants cook and cook and cook and pray that they make it to the Bahamas, hoping to impress the judges and their twins with their magnificent wieners.

The judges and Evil Twins arrive, and sit down at an open-air table outside Nathans. One by one the Cheftestants present their wieners to the table. And one by one, the judges and Evil Twins began to twitch and vomit violently. Everything was gross!!!

All the diners, it turns out, had to be rushed to the hospital! Apparently Blais’ seagull poison somehow got into everyone wieners!! And when the judges and twins put those nasty wieners in their mouths, THEY ALL DIED!!! Yep, Padma, the Barbershop Quartet, Tom (still in his assless chaps, ‘cause that’s how he rolls), and all the Evil Twins were pronounced dead upon arrival at Coney Island Hospital of Acute Wiener Toxoplasmosis. In layman's terms, that's "Death By Hot Dog".

However, there was one survivor. Actually, make that two. Gail’s Boobies – which are immortal and immune to wieners – were not affected by the poison. So, as the last surviving judges, they told all five Cheftestants to pack their knives, their poison, their wieners, and get the hell out of town. Now!

Then Gail’s Boobies cancelled the Top Chef finale in the Bahamas and signed a six-figure deal to write a tell-all book about their harrowing experience.

THE END.

NOTE: Actually, none of that happened – but the episode was such a touchy-feelgoodathon, that it was hard to find stuff to be snarky about. Even Bighead Mikey was likeable. So I made everything up. When life gives you lemons (or orange peels)...

Actually, Antonia and Mike are distant cousins and all five will go to the Bahamas to compete against the Chefs who won their particular season.

THE END. Forealz this time.

What did YOU think of last night's episode. Please share with us in the Comments.


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Don't Forget - Top Chef Tonight

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit - it's time, once again, for Top Chef All Stars. And NO, Paula Deen isn't coming back this week, but I saw this on Kayce's Tumblr and just had to post it.

Check out previews of tonight's episode via our friends at All Top Chef HERE.

Look for my recap sometime tomorrow afternoon.

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Top Chef All Stars Ep. 11 - Deep-Fried Redemption, Dipped In Butter

Last time on Top Chef All Stars, the Cheftestants showed us how to get, how to get to Sesame Streeeeeeeeeet … and then to Tarjay. Angelo was sent packing and Dale ended up winning the Quickfire, the Elimination, and a buttload of cash.

Only 6 chefs remain – and the morning after they discuss Angelo’s departure while sitting at the kitchen table. Blais mentions that he has brought notebooks with drawings, descriptions and plans for various dishes. Note to Richard: this is a reality television competition, not worldwide espionage. It’s not that serious.

After breakfast, the Cheftestants head over to the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Padma and that lovable lump of Southern butter known as Paula Deen.

Paula explains her life’s philosophy: “If You Can Eat It, You Can Fry It”. Now there’s a religion I could follow. I’ll meet ya’ll at KFC on Sunday for deep-fried worship with a side of biscuits. Grease is the word. Amen.

Anywhore, this week’s quickfire will be to deep fry something delicious – Southern-style. Paula mentions that she has deep fried everything from lasagna to mac & cheese to butter (natch) – she does NOT want to see some fancy-schmancy “Calamari on top of a salad”. Translation: don’t even try to be vaguely healthy – Paula only wants food that clogs your arteries and can kill you. Again – sign me up for the Church of Our Lady of Saturated Fats.

Some of the Cheftestants are excited about this Southern-fried Quickfire – particularly Carla, whose specialty is Southern comfort food, and Tiffany – who may have mentioned once or twice that she’s from a town in Texas that rhymes with “Slow Jaunt”.

Dale, on the other hand, laments that Paula Deen’s style is so different from his – reminding us that he works in a “Chinese Restaurant, fer chrissakes”. A Chinese Restaurant that’s too fancy to deep–fry an eggroll?? Maybe they bake their eggrolls and serve them on top of a salad (SACRILEDGE!). [Dear food snobs: YES, I know he works at the very fancy Buddakan].

Blais uses liquid nitrogen to fry mayonnaise or something – and I’m just going to say it: Would Richard Blais be able to compete if they took that damn liquid nitrogen tank away?? In the famous words of Fabio – “Thees eesa Top Chef, notta Top Leeqwud Nitrogen”.

While Richard Blais plays with his frigid gasses, Bighead Mike is being sneaky. Bighead read in one of Blais’ TOP SECRET HOMELAND CULINARY SECURITY journals about cooking a chicken “oyster” (part of the thigh) and serving it on an oyster shell. And, because Bighead Mike is Bighead Mike – he steals the idea and uses it for himself. That's Bighead Cooking 101.

Time for tasting. Padma and Paula – looking like a “before” and “after” PSA about the detrimental effects of butter – taste each dish. Tiffany maybe mentions she’s from Beaumont (we get it girl), Carla’s hush puppies taste like “spit balls” (wadded up pieces of elementary school worksheets???) and Antonia forgets to plate two dishes (only plating one). When Paula visits Richard, she mentions that her hair looks exactly like Blais’ in the morning. EVERYONE is stealing from Richard Blais!!

Results:

No likee – Dale, Carla.

Likee – Antonia, Blais, Bighead Mike.

Paula states that Antonia would have been the winner, but since she didn’t follow the rules and plate two dishes, sneaky Bighead Mike gets the win. This makes Blais look even more like Droopy Dog with Chronic Depression.

Padma announces that Paula will be one of the guest judges for the Elimination Challenge – along with New Orleans chef John Besh, who enters the Top Chef kitchen.

The Cheftestants will be catering a fundraiser for the Greater New Orleans Foundation, which helps families around the New Orleans area who were affected by the Gulf oil spill. And since it’s such a big challenge, the Chefestants will be getting “help”.

The “help” arrives in the form of Angelo, Fabio, Tiffani, Marcel, Spike and Tre. Each of these eliminated Cheftestants is carrying a Gulf seafood item. The 6 remaining Cheftestants get to choose their helper/protein. Here’s how it shakes down:

Mike and Tiffani - Brown Shrimp

Richard and Fabio - Red Snapper

Carla and Tre – Grouper

Tiffany D – picks the White Shrimp, which unfortunately comes with Marcel

Antonia – “I’ll take Spike and his Crabs”. That’s one brave woman.

Dale and Angelo - Amber Jack, which apparently is a fish and not a mixed drink.

The teams meet and discuss strategy. Bighead Mike learns that Tiffani spent some time cooking in New Orleans, so he lucked out (yet again). On the other hand, Carla figured Tre would know Southern food, however he does not. Carla threatens to take away his NAACP card, but Tre explains that he’s just a Dallas pretty boy “city boy” who doesn’t know country cuisine. I bet Tre could hook up some fried calamari and serve it on top of a salad, though.

The chef’s go to Restaurant Depot and then to Whole Foods to buy ingredients. During shopping, we find out that Fabio and Blais have kind of a thing for each other – with Fabio saying that “Reechie” reminds him of his ex wife. So their relationship based on angry revenge sex?? We also learn that Carla – after being dissed by Paula in the Quickfire – is attempting to prepare a big plate of redemption with a side of atonement. I bet Blais doesn’t have THAT one in his book.

Day One ends and Day Two begins in the Top Chef kitchen. The teams seem to be getting along fine, except for Tiffany and Marcel (of course). Marcel is obsessed with shrimp heads (I guess because he has one), but Tiffany just wants to finish. Which is probably the reaction of every female who has ever “teamed up” with Marcel. "Just let this be FINISHED quickly ... I pray to you, dear Paula Deen Lord"

After the mayhem in the kitchen, the teams move to the Puck Building where the event is being held. The guests and judges arrive and lines form at each station. Some teams deal well with the pressure of serving 300 guests – and some do not.

The judges discuss and it becomes very clear who the top and bottom will be.

Bottom:

Tiffany/Marcel: Marcel makes the 2^nd batch of honey glaze and Tiffany doesn’t taste it. He also overcooks the shrimp. Basically, Marcel is to this challenge what Paula Deen is to healthy eating - TOXIC.

Dale/Angelo: They are “in the weeds” (as they say in the restaurant biz) and end up serving the judges fish stew with undercooked potatoes.

Carla/Tre: Poor Carla has to spend her entire time “Hootie-Hooing” everybody in line, and not enough time cooking. And fancy, pretty, city boy Tre isn’t much of a help with her “down-home” plate of non-redemption. Tre should have pulled out the big guns (literally) and just taken his shirt off. AUTOMATIC WIN!!

Top:

Bighead Mike/Tiffani. Ugh.

Blais/Fabio: Despite a lovers quarrel, Blais’ Combo Platter #3 (Fish, Pork and Grits) is a hit with the guests and the judges.

Antonia/Spike: Antonia knows how to deal with Spike’s crabs - just boil the hell of them and hope for the best, I guess.

The remaining Cheftestants say goodbye to their loser helpers and then go to the Not-Ever-Going-To-Be-Glad-Again Storage Room. As expected, Padma calls Antonia, Blais and Bighead to appear in front of the judges. They are the top three. Richard “Keeper of the Books” Blais is declared the winner. His prize is a trip to Barbados, and Blais says he will invite Fabio to come along “with his family”. Right…

That leaves Dale, Tiffany and Carla in the bottom.

Tiffany’s shrimp was overcooked by Marcel, and the glaze (which was prepared by Marcel) was too sweet. On a positive note, we learned that Paula Deen loves sucking on heads. Too easy.

Judge John Besh said that Dale’s Amber Jack stew was “flavor warfare” – and you couldn’t taste the fish. Also – raw potatoes. Dale works in a Chinese Restaurant, fer Chrissakes!

Carla’s fried fish and collard greens was covered in too much sauce and “didn’t make sense” to Paula Deen. “Doesn’t make sense” means “needs more butter” in the Church of Paula Deen. FYI.

So there I was – sitting in my living room with my notebook on the tray table in front of me, sipping on a Diet Dr. Pepper – thinking that Tiffany is going home. After all, Tiffany hasn’t won any elimination challenges yet – whereas Carla and Dale both have. Also, as far as entertainment goes – Carla and Dale are reality TV gold. Carla because she’s so sweetly wacky, and Dale because he says what’s on his mind. Tiffany, on the other hand, is mostly known for her “I’m from Beaumont, Texas” schtick.

So there I sat, waiting for Padma to tell Tiffany to pack her knives and go back to that place that rhymes with “No Font, Lexus”. And then Padma says…

“Dale, please pack your knives and go”.

WTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMG!!!!! Really??? Dale?????

Poor Dale. After the announcment, tears welled up in his eyes because he got so close to winning AND improved so much as a person and a Chef this season. Not many of the others can say that.

I’ll miss you, Little Daddy.

What did YOU think of last night's episode? Were you surprised at the outcome?? Please share your thoughts with us in the comments.

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Hey Ya'll - Paula Deen Visits Top Chef Tonight

Paula Deen pays a visit to the Top Chef kitchen tonight for a "deep-fried" (natch) Quickfire challenge :

 

And then some former Cheftestants return to "help" during the Elimination Challenge:

Look for my Top Chef All Stars recap sometime tomorrow afternoon.

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Top Chef All Stars Ep. 10 - "COOKIES! .. NOM NOM NOM ..!"

Last time on Top Chef All Stars, Fabio was sent home by ‘Jeemie Fowl On’ for his bad 'boy-gurr' – and Carla won for her bottom-crusted Chicken Pot Pie.

On this week’s episode, the 7 remaining Cheftestants seem genuinely sad to see Fabio sent home, and each of them vow to make it to the end. Dale “Tell It Like It T-I-Is” Talde states that he doesn’t believe in all that hippie-dippie “We are ALL Winners!” bullshizz. Leave that mess for the Special Olympics – there is only one “I” in “WINNER”.

The Cheftestants enter the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Padma, standing alongside an empty table. Padma starts speaking in weird tongues, reciting an ancient magic spell …

“We’re on our way, and everything’s A-OK...”.

And up pop three of the fuzzy critters from Sesame Street! There’s Cookie Monster (my favorite), Elmo (who has a Tickle Fetish and wasn’t around when I was a kid) and some dude name Telly who was about as exciting as a snoozing Snuffleupagus.

The Cheftestants, for the most part, seem thrilled to meet these Muppets – except for Tiffany, who gets a little startled when they pop up suddenly from behind the table. Thank goodness Tiffany wasn’t holding a knife…

Cookie Monster – the best Sesame Street character ever – announces the Quickfire Challenge:

COOKIE!! COOKIE!!!! COOKIE!!!!!

Guy Smiley couldn’t have said it any better. Yep, they have 45 minutes to make a cookie worthy of the Cookie Monster (and those two other freaks) – and the winner will receive $5,000. Padma asks the Muppets for some cookie suggestions – and Elmo requests a cookie with zucchini and/or carrots. WTF?!? During my childhood, if you asked a character on Sesame Street what he wanted in his cookie, he would have said “butter” or “lots of butter” or “how ‘bout some lard?”. But NEVER zucchini. Hell, I doubt Mr. Hooper even sold zucchini in his store – but you KNOW homeboy had some Land-O-Lakes up in there.

Ready … set … COOKIE!!!!!!

Bighead Mike states that he’s never baked a cookie from scratch – although Dale notes that Mike obviously enjoys consuming cookies. Werd. Blais, the ultimate brown-noser, sucks up to Elmo by putting zucchini in his “cookie”, as requested. However, as some of the other Cheftestants note, it’s really not a cookie – just some frozen ice cream with bits of veggies in it (GAG).

The absolute best part of the Quickfire was that the Sesame Street guys could heckle the Cheftestants while the chefs cooked. This should become a permanent feature on all future Quickfires. Can you imagine Art Smith tsk-tsking the competitors about not preparing their dishes with "Lots of Love", or Michele Bernstein yelling at them to make their dishes “Mas Latina!!”??? Now THAT would be entertaining.

Dale, in particular, gets heckled for making a cookie using potato chips and other non-cookie-ish stuff. And he doesn’t quite know how to react. Dale instinctively wants to tell Elmo, Telly and Cookie that today’s Quickfire challenge is being brought to them by the letters “F” and “U”, but quickly decides against it.

During the cookie craziness, the Sesame Street gang marvels at the madd culinary skillz being displayed in front of them. Cookie Monster then lets us in on his secret to making the perfect cookie: “Me just kind of throw stuff in bowl and hope for best.” Coincidence! That’s the same way Jamie cooks scallops!!

Time is ticking away and Cookie Monster is running out of patience - he is HONGRAY. Poor thing is a bundle of nerves and can’t wait to eat – even munching on the table cloth. Cookie looks a little like me at the Arby’s counter – waiting impatiently for my heaping TRAY-O-DELICIOUSNESS.

Utensils down, hands up. COOKIE time. Padma leads the Sesame Street gang around to each of the chefs to taste the cookies.

Blais, maybe because of his zucchini suck-up maneuver, gets Elmo to shout-out to his daughter – at which point I think Richard Blais actually crapped his pants. Today’s Quickfire is NOW being brought to you by the letters “P” and “U”.

Unfortunately all that sucking up didn’t help – Blais (and Angelo) end up in the bottom. Dale and Antonia end up at the top. And Dale wins – possibly because Antonia’s cookies looked like what they found in Blais’ underwear after his little Elmo-induced “accident”.

The Muppets leave – and Padma explains this week’s Elimination Challenge. The Cheftestants will have three hours in an empty Target store to shop and then prepare food for 100 store employees. They must get everything they need in the store – including cooking equipment, food and “décor” – and the winner will receive $25,000.

The Chef’s head over to Tarjay and begin scrambling.

Mike and Angelo, who have suddenly become BFF’s, form Team Douchebag and help each other out. The rest go it alone – and eventually they all get their ingredients and their stations set up – except for Carla. Carla strolls around Tarjay like it’s a lazy Sunday afternoon – shopping for “décor”. Miss Thang doesn’t have any food yet, but by golly she sure found a cute tablecloth.

Halfway through the 3 hours, Carla finally gets set up – but she is now way behind. She decides to do a soup (as most of the others do), although one hour isn’t a lot of time for flavors to develop. But did you notice those ADORABLE matching napkins??

Elsewhere, Dale decides to kick-it “Penitentiary-Style” and make grilled cheese sammiches using an iron - a little trick Martha Stewart taught him after her stint in the Slammer.

Over at Team Douchebag, Angelo asks Bighead Mike to taste his soup. Mike says it’s “missing something”, so Angelo adds more salt and bacon. Wait, did Mike just “pull an Angelo” and sabotage his BFF??? Usually it’s Angelo who, in the name of being 'helpful', gets people sent home by messing with their dishes. WELL PLAYED, Bighead!

During this time, they show a few shots of a mysterious man they call "Thomas O’Brien", who skulks around Tarjay setting up pretty dining tables. Although “décor” was mentioned as part of the challenge, they really don’t address it for the remainder of the episode. Which means that Carla’s dazzling linens with matching napkin holders – which took her so long to shop for – don’t do her a damn bit of good.

At 3:00 am, the Target employees come get their grub – along with the judges (Tom, Padma, Bourdain and Chef Ming Tsai). Oh, and that spooky, ghostlike Thomas O’Brien fellow.

NOM NOM NOM …

Anthony Bourdain comments that Dale really knows how to make late-night stoner food and asks if Dale has been drug tested. I have a three-word response: Pot, Kettle, Black.

Ming Tsai loves Dale’s technique of using an iron as a grill – and makes an “Iron Chef” joke. Damn – I wish I thought of that.

Carla’s soup needs protein. Tiffany’s Jambalaya needed less Target-brand Creole spice mix. Angelo’s “Baked Potato Soup” needs to come with a side of blood-pressure medication and a case of bottled water because of the excessive salt content.

At 6:20 AM, the exhausted Cheftestants enter the No-Longer-Glad Storage Room. A few minutes later, Padma calls in Dale, Antonia and Blais. They are the top three.

Blais is commended for the fact that he cooked a protein two ways. Antonia is praised for having the huevos to cook individual eggs (instead of soup), and Dale is lauded for his “Grilled Cheese a la Alcatraz”.

Ming Tsai announces that Dale is the winner of the challenge and of $25,000. Added to his Quickfire winnings earlier, that’s $30,000 for one day’s work. Not too shabby.

On the bottom are Carla, Tiffany and Angelo. Carla’s flavors never developed (but her décor was FABULOUS), Tiffany’s Jambalaya relied too heavily on store-bought flavoring, and Angelo’s soup was just a few tablespoons away from being the next Great Salt Lake. All he needed were for some Mormons to settle nearby.

The three are given one last chance to say something to the judges, and Tiffany does her “I’m from Beaumont, Texas” routine, which even made sweet Carla roll her eyes. I get the feeling that no matter what the scenario, Tiffany always begins every sentence in the exact same way:

In a restaurant: “I’m from Beaumont, Texas – What are your specials this evening?”

At the bank: “I’m from Beaumont, Texas – I’d like to make a deposit”

At the Beauty Parlor: “I’m from Beaumont, Texas - Just take a little off the top, please”.

At Target “I’m from Beaumont, Texas – where are your restrooms?”

To the 9-1-1 Operator: “I’m from Beaumont, Texas – I’d like to report a murder”.

Yeah, that would get old.

But in the end, it isn’t Tiffany, but Angelo who is sent home. And, believe it or not, he’s pretty sweet and gracious about it.

When Angelo returns to the No-Longer-Glad Storage Room and announces that he’s going home, his BFF responds with a surprised (?) “You?!?”. Bighead Mike is simply SHOCKED that Angelo would be sent home – even though it was Mike who prompted the saltlickification of Angelo’s soup in the first place.

Again … WELL PLAYED, Bighead.

On next week's episode – Paula Deen…

What did YOU think of last night’s episode? Please share your innermost thoughts in the Comments Section.

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Tonight on Top Chef All Stars - COOKIES!!

Tonight's Quickfire Challenge sounds like a blast - create a cookie for the Cookie Monster and two others from the Sesame Street Gang. Including some newbie named "Elmo" (I hear he likes to be tickled - FREAK!). Yeah, I'm old-school - when I was a young whipper-snapper there was no such thing as an "Elmo". We had to make due with Grover, that damn Count (I always hated math), Big Bird, "best friends" (that's ALL!) Bert & Ernie and - my favorite - Cookie Monster. He was the original binge eater...

NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM ...

Later, the Cheftestants have an after-hours Soup Party at Tarjay. Or something:

Don't forget to watch tonight at 10:00 pm EST on Bravo - and look for my recap sometime tomorrow afternoon.

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Top Chef All Stars Ep. 9 - "Burned By The Boigurr"

Last time on Top Chef All Stars, Tre was sent home and I’m still dealing with my grief so let’s just not go there. But we CAN take one last look at this gorgeous man - just for old times sake. Feel free to touch yourself inappropriately while viewing...

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Oh. Hi. Yeah … what was I talking about again? Sausages?? Pepperoni sticks?? Hot, 12-inch hero sandwiches oozing with …?...

Sorry. Nevermind. Top Chef. That’s it, I was discussing Top Chef.

Anywhore, on this week’s episode, the Cheftestants are instructed to create a fondue which will be judged by their peers. The winner gets a three-day-trip to Napa Valley, but no immunity.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with fondue, here’s Long Island’s most fabulous Tupperware "Lady" - Aunt Barbara - who’ll explain it for you. Tutorial begins at around the 1.00 mark:

Ready … set ... FONDUE!

After the fondue flurry, the Chefs have a little Fondue Party (not unlike Aunt Barbara’s, above). Then they each fill out not-so-secret ballots, choosing their favorite and least favorite fondues.

Blais, who is becoming increasingly paranoid with each passing day, predicts he won’t get picked for the win because the other Chefs are intimidated by him. Dale, however, vows to be honest like a “New York Times reviewer up in this Biatch”. And with each passing smartass comment I fall just a little more in love with Dale ...

The results are in, and here are the bottom-dwellers, AKA the "FonDON’Ts":

Fabio

Tiffany

Bighead Mike

And here are the "FonDOs":

Antonia

Dale

Angelo

Antonia Dale is the top FonDOer and gets the win. Blais, of course, grimaces and mentally relives the moment he lost Season Four again and again and again. Boyfriend needs to loosen up or start drinking or shooting heroin or SOMETHING.

BTW - am I the only person who thinks “Terlato” wine sounds suspiciously like they might be using toilet water during the fermentation process? It IS just me?? Ok. Nevermind.

Padma then instructs the Cheftestants to go to Rockefeller Center, where they will receive their Elimination Challenge.

When they arrive, the Chefs are escorted through the winding halls of 30 Rock, and into the Jimmy Fallon Studio. Fabio, in particular, is extremely excited to see Jimmy. “Wait! Dat’s a Jeemie Fallun dare! I LOVE IT!” Jeebus, can you imagine Fabio's reaction if it were Conan or Letterman or someone that people actually watch?!?

The Chefs stand there, confused, as they are greeted by Jimmy and his announcer guy. Jimmy explains that the Elimination Challenge this week will be to cook Jimmy’s birthday lunch. In order for each Chef to determine which of Fallon’s Favorite Dishes (Coming Soon to the TV Food Network!), they do this weird thing with a screen and cell phone pictures (it was dumb - don’t ask). The only notable moment was when Carla got all HOOTIE HOO KA-RAZY after picking Chicken Pot Pie. It’s the little things, apparently.

Here’s how it shook down::

Carla - Chicken Pot Pie

Antonia - Beef Tongue

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Sorry, I lost my place there for a minute.

Dale: Philly Cheesesteak

Blais: Ramen

Angelo: Pulled Pork (Insert “pulling his pork” remark HERE)

Bighead: Sausage & Peppers (OMG Italian!)

Tiffany: Chicken & Dumplings

Fabio: HamBOOGER … HamBOIGUR … Poor Fabio needs to take pronunciation lessons from this lady:

The Cheftestants head to Whole Foods to purchase foodstuffs, and afterwards return to the apartment for a totally-not-staged Buitoni commercial. There’s a lot of “The level of competition is really high right now” talk, and Blais tells us AGAIN how embarrassed he was to lose Season Four. Seriously dude, it’s only Top Chef - not Tool Academy or Flavor of Love or some important show like that. Jeesh.

The next morning the Chefs awaken and Dale waxes poetic (while possibly “waxing his jackson” or “pulling his pork”) about Angelo being “such a pretty man” with “well-manicured five o’clock shadow”. GET A ROOM, you two.

The Cheftestants head over to Colicchio & Son, where Jimmy Fallon’s lunch will be held and where the Chef’s prepare their dishes. Highlights from the kitchen:

Blais helps Antonia figure out how to cook beef tongue. Bighead Mike doesn’t think it’s a good idea to help your competitors and states that he certainly wouldn’t help anyone. Of course Bighead is too clueless to realize no one would want his assistance. Ever.

While chicken pot-pieing, Carla channels Beaker from The Muppet Show ...

… but with more shrieking and fewer flames.

Fabio decides to make his “BOY-ger” (served exclusively in West Hollywood and Chelsea) out of three different kinds of ground meat and cheese sauce on the side. He also decides to give up trying to pronounce “Hamburger” correctly.

The judges (Tom, Padma, Gail Simmons, The Boobies) arrive - along with Jimmy Fallon and his wife, member of their family, and some of Jimmy’s television staff.

Time for service. First up is Fabio and his Booger, and Antonia’s Tongue. Ewwwww. This was about the time when Jimmy tells the story about why he hates mayonnaise - which involved his Grandma and lube and was MUCH too graphic to retell on a family blog such as this.

Next up is Blais with his Cup-O-Noodles and Tiffany with her Chicken & Dumplings. Jimmy, who's a big Top Chef fan, seems a bit disappointed that Blais’s dish didn’t come with bells, whistles and an instruction manual. And everyone seems disappointed in Tiff’s limp Chicken & Dumplings.

Then it’s Carla and Dale's turn. Everyone seems to love Carla’s Chicken Pot Pie, but the judges and guests don’t appreciate Dale’s Salty Philly Saltsteak topped with Salt and served with a side order of Salt.

Finally, Dale’s boyfriend (and beautiful man) Angelo presents his Pulled Pork - complete with his homemade rub. And Mike gives them all a big taste of his Sausage (and Peppers). Of course, the guests and judges make a lot of tasteless, innuendo-dripping sausage/pork/meat comments - which I found to be offensive and juvenile. Thank goodness I don’t act like that.

After birthday cake, there is one final surprise - the Cheftestant who wins the challenge gets a cooking segment on Jimmy Fallon’s show! OMG - just think of the TENS of people who’ll be watching!!

Back in the No-Longer-Glad Storage Room, Padma asks to see Carla, Angelo and Antonia. They are the top three. The judges, Cheftestants and Jimmy discuss Carla and her bottom-crusted Chicken Pot Pie, Angelo and his freshly rubbed Pulled Pork, and Antonia’s Beef Tongue. And in the weirdest judges table moment ever, the Cheftestants sing a little “Ode to Beef Tongue” song, or as I prefer to call it, “We Miss You Tre!!”.

After all the song and dance, Jimmy announces that Carla is the winner of the challenge AND of a trip to Tokyo. And the cooking segement on his show. Carla’s response, of course, is typically restrained and dignified - as always. Much like the British Royal Family, Carla was raised not to show emotion in public. Nah, I’m just kidding, Carla went as apeshitcrazy as you would expect her to do.

They return to the stew room and call in Tiffany, Fabio and Dale. These are the bottom three. The "Fallon FonDON’Ts", as it were.

The judges discuss with the bottom three. Tiffany’s Chicken & Dumplings dish wasn’t thick and hearty. Dale's Philly Cheesteak was way too salty. And poor Fabio’s Hamboigurr was more like a Meatballboigurr or a Meatloafboiger. Gail and The Boobies were particularly disappointed - saying that Fabio's burger was “missing that juicy, beefy moistness I was looking for”. Yet another thing Gail Simmons and I have in common (besides having big boobs) - we are on a constant quest for juicy beefy moistness. Forever and always.

The FonDON’Ts go back and the judges discuss - and now it’s time for the results...

And …... … FABIO is asked to pack his knives and go. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

On his way out the door, the loved-by-everyone Fabio vowed to cook Jeemie Fallun a BOIGURR one day that will make him “beg for forgiveness” for sending Fabio home.

Buh-bye Fabio … we’ll miss you. As a matter of fact, I’ll pull some pork in your honor over the weekend. You’re welcome.

What did YOU think of this week’s episode. Please share with us in the comments section.




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