Top Chef All Stars Ep. 9 - "Burned By The Boigurr"

Last time on Top Chef All Stars, Tre was sent home and I’m still dealing with my grief so let’s just not go there. But we CAN take one last look at this gorgeous man - just for old times sake. Feel free to touch yourself inappropriately while viewing...

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Oh. Hi. Yeah … what was I talking about again? Sausages?? Pepperoni sticks?? Hot, 12-inch hero sandwiches oozing with …?...

Sorry. Nevermind. Top Chef. That’s it, I was discussing Top Chef.

Anywhore, on this week’s episode, the Cheftestants are instructed to create a fondue which will be judged by their peers. The winner gets a three-day-trip to Napa Valley, but no immunity.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with fondue, here’s Long Island’s most fabulous Tupperware "Lady" - Aunt Barbara - who’ll explain it for you. Tutorial begins at around the 1.00 mark:

Ready … set ... FONDUE!

After the fondue flurry, the Chefs have a little Fondue Party (not unlike Aunt Barbara’s, above). Then they each fill out not-so-secret ballots, choosing their favorite and least favorite fondues.

Blais, who is becoming increasingly paranoid with each passing day, predicts he won’t get picked for the win because the other Chefs are intimidated by him. Dale, however, vows to be honest like a “New York Times reviewer up in this Biatch”. And with each passing smartass comment I fall just a little more in love with Dale ...

The results are in, and here are the bottom-dwellers, AKA the "FonDON’Ts":

Fabio

Tiffany

Bighead Mike

And here are the "FonDOs":

Antonia

Dale

Angelo

Antonia Dale is the top FonDOer and gets the win. Blais, of course, grimaces and mentally relives the moment he lost Season Four again and again and again. Boyfriend needs to loosen up or start drinking or shooting heroin or SOMETHING.

BTW - am I the only person who thinks “Terlato” wine sounds suspiciously like they might be using toilet water during the fermentation process? It IS just me?? Ok. Nevermind.

Padma then instructs the Cheftestants to go to Rockefeller Center, where they will receive their Elimination Challenge.

When they arrive, the Chefs are escorted through the winding halls of 30 Rock, and into the Jimmy Fallon Studio. Fabio, in particular, is extremely excited to see Jimmy. “Wait! Dat’s a Jeemie Fallun dare! I LOVE IT!” Jeebus, can you imagine Fabio's reaction if it were Conan or Letterman or someone that people actually watch?!?

The Chefs stand there, confused, as they are greeted by Jimmy and his announcer guy. Jimmy explains that the Elimination Challenge this week will be to cook Jimmy’s birthday lunch. In order for each Chef to determine which of Fallon’s Favorite Dishes (Coming Soon to the TV Food Network!), they do this weird thing with a screen and cell phone pictures (it was dumb - don’t ask). The only notable moment was when Carla got all HOOTIE HOO KA-RAZY after picking Chicken Pot Pie. It’s the little things, apparently.

Here’s how it shook down::

Carla - Chicken Pot Pie

Antonia - Beef Tongue

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Sorry, I lost my place there for a minute.

Dale: Philly Cheesesteak

Blais: Ramen

Angelo: Pulled Pork (Insert “pulling his pork” remark HERE)

Bighead: Sausage & Peppers (OMG Italian!)

Tiffany: Chicken & Dumplings

Fabio: HamBOOGER … HamBOIGUR … Poor Fabio needs to take pronunciation lessons from this lady:

The Cheftestants head to Whole Foods to purchase foodstuffs, and afterwards return to the apartment for a totally-not-staged Buitoni commercial. There’s a lot of “The level of competition is really high right now” talk, and Blais tells us AGAIN how embarrassed he was to lose Season Four. Seriously dude, it’s only Top Chef - not Tool Academy or Flavor of Love or some important show like that. Jeesh.

The next morning the Chefs awaken and Dale waxes poetic (while possibly “waxing his jackson” or “pulling his pork”) about Angelo being “such a pretty man” with “well-manicured five o’clock shadow”. GET A ROOM, you two.

The Cheftestants head over to Colicchio & Son, where Jimmy Fallon’s lunch will be held and where the Chef’s prepare their dishes. Highlights from the kitchen:

Blais helps Antonia figure out how to cook beef tongue. Bighead Mike doesn’t think it’s a good idea to help your competitors and states that he certainly wouldn’t help anyone. Of course Bighead is too clueless to realize no one would want his assistance. Ever.

While chicken pot-pieing, Carla channels Beaker from The Muppet Show ...

… but with more shrieking and fewer flames.

Fabio decides to make his “BOY-ger” (served exclusively in West Hollywood and Chelsea) out of three different kinds of ground meat and cheese sauce on the side. He also decides to give up trying to pronounce “Hamburger” correctly.

The judges (Tom, Padma, Gail Simmons, The Boobies) arrive - along with Jimmy Fallon and his wife, member of their family, and some of Jimmy’s television staff.

Time for service. First up is Fabio and his Booger, and Antonia’s Tongue. Ewwwww. This was about the time when Jimmy tells the story about why he hates mayonnaise - which involved his Grandma and lube and was MUCH too graphic to retell on a family blog such as this.

Next up is Blais with his Cup-O-Noodles and Tiffany with her Chicken & Dumplings. Jimmy, who's a big Top Chef fan, seems a bit disappointed that Blais’s dish didn’t come with bells, whistles and an instruction manual. And everyone seems disappointed in Tiff’s limp Chicken & Dumplings.

Then it’s Carla and Dale's turn. Everyone seems to love Carla’s Chicken Pot Pie, but the judges and guests don’t appreciate Dale’s Salty Philly Saltsteak topped with Salt and served with a side order of Salt.

Finally, Dale’s boyfriend (and beautiful man) Angelo presents his Pulled Pork - complete with his homemade rub. And Mike gives them all a big taste of his Sausage (and Peppers). Of course, the guests and judges make a lot of tasteless, innuendo-dripping sausage/pork/meat comments - which I found to be offensive and juvenile. Thank goodness I don’t act like that.

After birthday cake, there is one final surprise - the Cheftestant who wins the challenge gets a cooking segment on Jimmy Fallon’s show! OMG - just think of the TENS of people who’ll be watching!!

Back in the No-Longer-Glad Storage Room, Padma asks to see Carla, Angelo and Antonia. They are the top three. The judges, Cheftestants and Jimmy discuss Carla and her bottom-crusted Chicken Pot Pie, Angelo and his freshly rubbed Pulled Pork, and Antonia’s Beef Tongue. And in the weirdest judges table moment ever, the Cheftestants sing a little “Ode to Beef Tongue” song, or as I prefer to call it, “We Miss You Tre!!”.

After all the song and dance, Jimmy announces that Carla is the winner of the challenge AND of a trip to Tokyo. And the cooking segement on his show. Carla’s response, of course, is typically restrained and dignified - as always. Much like the British Royal Family, Carla was raised not to show emotion in public. Nah, I’m just kidding, Carla went as apeshitcrazy as you would expect her to do.

They return to the stew room and call in Tiffany, Fabio and Dale. These are the bottom three. The "Fallon FonDON’Ts", as it were.

The judges discuss with the bottom three. Tiffany’s Chicken & Dumplings dish wasn’t thick and hearty. Dale's Philly Cheesteak was way too salty. And poor Fabio’s Hamboigurr was more like a Meatballboigurr or a Meatloafboiger. Gail and The Boobies were particularly disappointed - saying that Fabio's burger was “missing that juicy, beefy moistness I was looking for”. Yet another thing Gail Simmons and I have in common (besides having big boobs) - we are on a constant quest for juicy beefy moistness. Forever and always.

The FonDON’Ts go back and the judges discuss - and now it’s time for the results...

And …... … FABIO is asked to pack his knives and go. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

On his way out the door, the loved-by-everyone Fabio vowed to cook Jeemie Fallun a BOIGURR one day that will make him “beg for forgiveness” for sending Fabio home.

Buh-bye Fabio … we’ll miss you. As a matter of fact, I’ll pull some pork in your honor over the weekend. You’re welcome.

What did YOU think of this week’s episode. Please share with us in the comments section.




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