Friday, October 16, 2009

Project Runway Episode 9 - "You Put Diamonds On the Crotch, and You're Home Free"


In last week’s episode of Project Runway, a bunch of divorced ladies traded in their old wedding gowns for something FIEEEEEEERCE – and some got luckier than others. Gordana won (and received the last immunity prize of the season), but Epperson was sent home for his not-so-Oktoberfestive creation. And during the challenge, Shirin’s client requested a Bob Mackie/Cher gown, but unfortunately her request came one week too early.

Its morning in Los Angeles, and everyone heads to the runway to receive the next challenge. However, as is often the case, Heidi doesn’t give the children their instructions – she tells them to go talk to their father (Tim Gunn). Mama is tired and doesn’t want to be bothered. After all, making babies with Seal is hard work (pun intended).

The designers meet Tim back at FIDM (wait, where is the runway?) – at a retrospective featuring the legendary Bob Mackie’s work. When the designers see Tim AND Mr. Mackie, they all seemed thrilled – especially The Feather Queen Prince (Nicolas). Nicolas is practically having a gay coronary over the thought of meeting his idol. I felt the same way when I met Ronald McDonald as a child. Goosebumps.

Tim explains that the challenge this week will be to create an “extravagant stage look”. Mackie states that creating for the stage is different from “fashion” – you have to take it to another level. You also have to create something that can be seen from far away (on stage) as well as close up (on huge video screens).

Tim then tells them that they will be creating this extravagant stage look for none other than Christina "Xtina" Aguilera. Nicolas immediately has his second gay orgasm of the day. I hope he brought extra underwear.

The designers have some time to sketch amongst the fabulous Bob Mackie gowns, then it’s off to Mood for fabric shopping. At Mood, most of the fashiontestants head directly for the Drag Queen Department (sequins, beads, lamé, feathers, and duct tape) – but Nicolas makes a detour to the white cotton and elastic departments - he needs to sew himself a new pair of Hanes. Thanks Mood!

Back to the workroom. Mini workroom recap: Nicolas is going to “blast this challenge” (will he need MORE underwear??). Logan calls this a “Sequin Party” (I’ve been to a few of those). Deliciously stank Irina says that some people look like deer caught in the headlights, as they show Shirin talking to some red fabric. Finally, Christopher has decided to go the “80’s Punk Prom” route. OMG … no. Seriously - don’t do that.

More workroom – and more delicious stank from Irina. She says Carol Hannah bought “crappy-looking” cheap Halloween costume fabric. Carol Hannah says she doesn’t normally do over-the-top. Gordana is “frazzled”. And Logan isn’t as familiar with Miss Aguilera as some of the “other designers”. And by “other designers”, he means “The Gays”. The evening draws to a close, and the designers go home.

The next morning they return to the workroom for more sequin-wrangling. Nicolas has a lot more “featherwork” to do (code for “making new tighty-whities”) – and he’s trying to figure out a way to showcase Xtina’s boobies. Unlike Logan, Nicolas IS familiar with Christina’s work. She’s DIRRTY!


Tim Gunn visits – and he starts with Christopher. Christopher wants to do some kind of “reveal”. Tim thinks the reveal needs to actually reveal something – specifically “super sexy slut”. Tim, obviously, is extremely familiar with Xtina’s “work”. She’s DIRRTY!!


Tim Gunn visit highlights: Althea also wants to do a reveal and Tim is all like "WTF?". Gordana is “mentally drained” – but she has immunity. Nicolas’ look is very similar to his winning “Ice Queen” movie look. Tim hopes the judges won’t notice the similarity. Considering that the judges are different every week, there is absolutely zero chance of that happening.

More Tim Gunn visit. He likee Carol Hannah’s long black gown. On the other hand, Tim HATES Shirin’s mess – calling it “Guinevere meets Vampira”. Ouch. In the background, Irina is giving Shirin the stank eye, and wondering aloud why Shirin is still here – calling her design sensibility “bargain basement”. Delicious.

Model fittings. And then we have a weird scene (complete with chika WAH WOW porn music) between Carol Hannah and Logan. “Am I distracting you?”, the pretty boy asks. No, but the producers are trying way too hard to create a “romance” storyline - THAT’S distracting. By the end of the night, everyone is losing it – and Gordana is laughing hysterically at her horrible (but immune) dress. I doubt Nina will be as jolly about it on the runway tomorrow.

Finally, it’s runway day. There is hair, makeup, and accessory walls to deal with. Irina has now turned her stank eye back toward Carol Hannah – saying that Carol Hannah “annoys” her and calls her “mediocre”. Furthermore, Irina states that if you’re going to be mediocre, you could at least have a good personality to make up for it. Delicious.

Even more delicious is Nicolas’ assessment of Irina. “Irina is actually a really good designer”, he states. “The only problem with her is that she’s a bitch”. The Feather Queen is not messing around on Bob Mackie Day. Learn it.

Runway time. Heidi introduces the judges – Bob Mackie, the Dirrty Girl herself, and Nina motherhumpin Garcia!!!!! Time to walk.

I am surprised by how many people showed LONG dresses/gowns on the runway. Seriously, do they know about Xtina? She’s DIRRTY!!!


Results. Irina is stank safe. Gordana has immunity – so she is also safe. And she’s lucky, because her dress was a mess.

The judges likee Carol Hannah’s long black gown. They also likee Althea’s sparkly dress with a long train. And finally, they likee Nicolas’ feathered number. And, as predicted, none of the judges mention the similarity to Nicolas’ previous winning look. Because none of them (besides Heidi) were there that week. Duh.

The judges no likee Logan’s look. It’s a little too Betty Rubble in Viva Rock Vegas. Heidi states that Shirin’s dress looks like an “Upscale Halloween Witch outfit”. I wouldn’t call it “upscale”. And, finally, Christopher tried to create an outfit that Xtina could wear while singing a Cyndi Lauper song (because, you know, Christina doesn’t have any songs of her own to sing) – and after the “reveal”, Xtina could sing one of her own songs. Which is just a fancy way of saying “I created two ugly-ass outfits”. Nina, in particular, hates it – saying it is too similar to Xtina’s skanky old “Lady Marmalade” outfit. Remember, she’s DIRRTY!!!


That is NOT a look that needs to be resurrected.

The judges discuss amongst themselves. Some highlights: Bob Mackie wouldn’t put Christopher’s outfit on a chorus girl, and says it looked like “the road company of the Pussycat Dolls”. Delicious. Mackie also suggested a way to take Logan’s outfit to the next level: “You put diamonds on the crotch and you’re home free”. Unless your crotch area is this size...


All those diamonds could bankrupt a biatch.

Time for the results. Althea is in, and Carol Hannah is the winner. Nicolas is crushed – and immediately resigns as President of the Bob Mackie Fan Club. Logan is also in, and will be bedazzling diamonds onto the crotch of his shiny pants when he gets back to the apartment.

This leaves Shirin and Christopher. Shirin is out, and Christopher is safe. Lady Marmalade stays, while Witchiepoo (below) goes.


Next week: Rodeo Drive! More stank from Irina! And Michael Kors and Nina Garcia – TOGETHER on the judging panel at long last!

What did YOU think of Episode 9 and the outcome? Please feel free to vent in the comments section…

17 comments:

theminx said...

I smell a fix. Christopher should have gone and Shirin should definitely have stayed. Not Delicious.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

JenM said...

All those diamonds could bankrupt a biatch.

.....I've been wondering what happened to those underwear!

Kailyn said...

I'm with The Minx on this one. Both outfits were definitely lacking so for ne it came down to the question of construction. Shirin's was clearly the better constructed. I mean did they not see that ill- fitting bustier? I think Nicholas is the only one who got Christina's stage look right. Yes, we've seen her in long dresses -- at award shows.

And if you haven't guessed, love me some Chistina. Because she's DIRRTY. Where are my headphones? Now I'm going to have to play that song on repeat for the rest of the workday. And then go workout so I can get my ass back into my leather pants.

Anonymous said...

Christopher's garments have sucked for a while... he should have been sent home, not Shirin!!

Anonymous said...

As usual, your recap is more fun than the show. Will be looking for the bejeweled shiny pants, LOL!
But I have a new man I heart now,
Alan Grayson...he is a terrible dresser although he is a multi-zillionaire and a terrific person. OK, now everyone google or bing him if you don't already know who he is...
Thanks for the fun David...
LB anon

Lee from NC said...

Honestly, I don't think anyone did well.

The ones who made long dresses were just totally off the mark. This was, after all, supposed to be an "extravagant STAGE look" not an "extravagant red carpet look". Xtina may wear long dresses to awards shows, but I don't think that was the point of the challenge.

As for the short dresses, Irina's was OK, Nicolas' was a repeat and Logan's had that weird caveman jacket thing. I actually thought the dress itself was OK.

Christopher's outfit was ugly, but at least he was on the right track with how Xtina dresses.

I think they all failed this week. But again, Irina is cruising to a victory. Probably with Althea and Carol Hannah as the other 2 rounding out the Bryant Park Three.

frogponder said...

Diamonds on the crotch. Oh. My. !!!
Nobody talked about how CA is a short, little Mousekateer, Munchinkin, whatever. Some of those dresses would be so wrong for her on her lack of height alone. Hard on the assigned show models but I bet they could have found enough short, starlet types to stand in for CA in LA. And it would be interesting. How do you design for a sex song-star who is short, like so many of them seem to be?

Dan said...

these people are boring me! The only thing I want to see logan make at this point is porn!

Kailyn said...

Nicholas's dress was a repeat stylistically but when you look at the dresses with the idea that Christina would wear it for a performance, his came the closest to the mark. As Bob Mackie pointed out, Logan's dress could not really be considered short given their assignment.

Miss Ginger Grant said...

You must have been hungry when you wrote this because you said "delicious" a lot!

Another boring episode made "delicious" by your witty recap.

If they can't make a FABULOUS episode with Bob Mackie and Xtina, maybe they need to fire the producer!

Oh wait, that won't work... it's Heidi!

Maybe we just need to convince her Seal wants her to stay home and make more babies with him!

cjcat said...

WTF? How could this have been such a boring runway when you had Bob Mackie as an inspiration while designing for a Dirty diva? My God, these designers have no imagination. Nicholas hasn't been one of my favorites but he came the closest to creating something right. I can't believe I'm saying this, but even he didn't take it far enough.

I'm just not caring at all what happens this season and Heidi is showing a very unattractive side of her personality that is turning me off the show for any other season.

I also disagree with you David. I don't find Irina's stankiness delicious. It's just stanky, petulant and a little psychotic.

Michael Rivers said...

I have two comments. First, the produuers, please stop trying to make us interested in him. We're not. He's not gorgeous. And he's not that talented. Time to go bye bye. Second, my favorite moment of the night came from my dear Nina. Her comment, "That was taste . . . LESS!" concerning Christopher's design. I predict a visit to the workroom to pack his things soon.

This was a fun episode. Finally everyone was back.

Jennie said...

Delicious recap. Absolutely mother-humpin' delicious. I will be quoting you all week.

Kwana said...

I just watched, I know way late but I loved Nic's line about of Irina so delish. Great recap. Super Funny.

Alan said...

I had the same thought as you when Tim warned Nicolas about the judges seeing the same thing from him week after week: "How will they know? None of them but Heidi were there."

I think the same issue might have been behind the Shirin/Christopher decision. *Technically,* the worst design of the week should earn its designer a ticket home. But so often that's not the case. So often, a designer's *past* work earns them a pass--or does them in. It's like in baseball, when a good pitcher gets better calls from the home plate umpire. Technically the strike zone should be the same for everyone, but it isn't.

If Michael and Nina had been there all along, they might have sent Christopher home this time. Mitchell got "three strikes" and he was out early on. I think the same would have been true for Christopher. Three weeks on the bottom and the judges start to think of you as a loser unless you wow them, which Christopher ain't doing anymore.

There was a bit of this in the decision about the winner too--Heidi said something like, "Carol Hannah's work has always been so good!" I'm not sure that's supported by evidence, but Heidi *believed* it, which is all that's important.

Now that the main three judges are back together again next week, we'll see a little more consistency in the judging from here on out...

suzq said...

Oh....I was so disappointed.

1. Victoria Secret Feather Wing boy (Nicolas) did NOTHING sculptural. No feather fan. No headdress. No tail feathers. He made an Easter chick dress.

2. Logan hides perfectly good hot pink fabric under his sequined zebra fabric. Come on. You take the time to find hot pink fabric, USE IT WHERE WE CAN SEE IT.

3. Black? Black? You've got to be KIDDING ME.

4. $300 and two days & Bob Mackie...what more did the designers need? Oh, I forgot. They need imagination implants.

5. For those who were familiar with X-tina's hits, the biggest one was "Genie in a Bottle." Chris MF'n March would have made a genie outfit with a rip-way bottle. And it would have ROCKED.

Anonymous said...

Am I the ONLY gay man or straight woman in America who does NOT think that Logan is "hot!?!?!" He reminds me of the cartoon kid with a runny nose that Puffs uses in their ads. I suppose he has a certain "look," but I don't exactly aspire to date or even trick with a snotty-nosed cartoon kid! He's by far one of the worst designers, but somehow his personal "look" gets him saved week after week! If I had it, I'd gladly give him the $100k and the car NOW, just to get rid of his snot face! Meow. Now I feel better, thank you Mood!

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