Let's Just Forget This Ever Happened

Yes, last night was the Project Runway Season 6 finale - and, as expected, Meana Irina won. zzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzz Sorry, I just fell asleep at my keyboard. It must be all the cold medicine I'm taking right now.

Here's my proposal: let's pretend horrible Season 6 never happened. Season 6 will be like the drug-addict, incarcerated cousin your family won't mention at Thanksgiving. It's like he never existed.

Did anyone else watch? Does anyone even care at this point??...

Last Night On Project Runway

As I mentioned before, I spent last night soothing a pulled muscle with frozen gnocchi and didn't take notes for a Project Runway recap. But I did watch the show, and I thought it was yet another uneventful episode in a season filled with uneventful episodes.

You may recall that I attended the Project Runway show at Bryant Park back in February - and over the past few weeks it became obvious to me that the three collections I saw were Althea's, Carol Hannah's and Irina's. So the outcome last night was definitely no surprise. I also have a feeling that the winner of Season 6 won't be a surprise either - my bet is Irina will win.

I am so sad that Project Runway was such a "snoozefest" this season. I only hope that Season 7 - which was filmed in NYC - will be more entertaining and provide plenty of material for snarky recaps.

Project Runway Episode 9 - "You Put Diamonds On the Crotch, and You're Home Free"

In last week’s episode of Project Runway, a bunch of divorced ladies traded in their old wedding gowns for something FIEEEEEEERCE – and some got luckier than others. Gordana won (and received the last immunity prize of the season), but Epperson was sent home for his not-so-Oktoberfestive creation. And during the challenge, Shirin’s client requested a Bob Mackie/Cher gown, but unfortunately her request came one week too early.

Its morning in Los Angeles, and everyone heads to the runway to receive the next challenge. However, as is often the case, Heidi doesn’t give the children their instructions – she tells them to go talk to their father (Tim Gunn). Mama is tired and doesn’t want to be bothered. After all, making babies with Seal is hard work (pun intended).

The designers meet Tim back at FIDM (wait, where is the runway?) – at a retrospective featuring the legendary Bob Mackie’s work. When the designers see Tim AND Mr. Mackie, they all seemed thrilled – especially The Feather Queen Prince (Nicolas). Nicolas is practically having a gay coronary over the thought of meeting his idol. I felt the same way when I met Ronald McDonald as a child. Goosebumps.

Tim explains that the challenge this week will be to create an “extravagant stage look”. Mackie states that creating for the stage is different from “fashion” – you have to take it to another level. You also have to create something that can be seen from far away (on stage) as well as close up (on huge video screens).

Tim then tells them that they will be creating this extravagant stage look for none other than Christina "Xtina" Aguilera. Nicolas immediately has his second gay orgasm of the day. I hope he brought extra underwear.

The designers have some time to sketch amongst the fabulous Bob Mackie gowns, then it’s off to Mood for fabric shopping. At Mood, most of the fashiontestants head directly for the Drag Queen Department (sequins, beads, lamé, feathers, and duct tape) – but Nicolas makes a detour to the white cotton and elastic departments - he needs to sew himself a new pair of Hanes. Thanks Mood!

Back to the workroom. Mini workroom recap: Nicolas is going to “blast this challenge” (will he need MORE underwear??). Logan calls this a “Sequin Party” (I’ve been to a few of those). Deliciously stank Irina says that some people look like deer caught in the headlights, as they show Shirin talking to some red fabric. Finally, Christopher has decided to go the “80’s Punk Prom” route. OMG … no. Seriously - don’t do that.

More workroom – and more delicious stank from Irina. She says Carol Hannah bought “crappy-looking” cheap Halloween costume fabric. Carol Hannah says she doesn’t normally do over-the-top. Gordana is “frazzled”. And Logan isn’t as familiar with Miss Aguilera as some of the “other designers”. And by “other designers”, he means “The Gays”. The evening draws to a close, and the designers go home.

The next morning they return to the workroom for more sequin-wrangling. Nicolas has a lot more “featherwork” to do (code for “making new tighty-whities”) – and he’s trying to figure out a way to showcase Xtina’s boobies. Unlike Logan, Nicolas IS familiar with Christina’s work. She’s DIRRTY!


Tim Gunn visits – and he starts with Christopher. Christopher wants to do some kind of “reveal”. Tim thinks the reveal needs to actually reveal something – specifically “super sexy slut”. Tim, obviously, is extremely familiar with Xtina’s “work”. She’s DIRRTY!!


Tim Gunn visit highlights: Althea also wants to do a reveal and Tim is all like "WTF?". Gordana is “mentally drained” – but she has immunity. Nicolas’ look is very similar to his winning “Ice Queen” movie look. Tim hopes the judges won’t notice the similarity. Considering that the judges are different every week, there is absolutely zero chance of that happening.

More Tim Gunn visit. He likee Carol Hannah’s long black gown. On the other hand, Tim HATES Shirin’s mess – calling it “Guinevere meets Vampira”. Ouch. In the background, Irina is giving Shirin the stank eye, and wondering aloud why Shirin is still here – calling her design sensibility “bargain basement”. Delicious.

Model fittings. And then we have a weird scene (complete with chika WAH WOW porn music) between Carol Hannah and Logan. “Am I distracting you?”, the pretty boy asks. No, but the producers are trying way too hard to create a “romance” storyline - THAT’S distracting. By the end of the night, everyone is losing it – and Gordana is laughing hysterically at her horrible (but immune) dress. I doubt Nina will be as jolly about it on the runway tomorrow.

Finally, it’s runway day. There is hair, makeup, and accessory walls to deal with. Irina has now turned her stank eye back toward Carol Hannah – saying that Carol Hannah “annoys” her and calls her “mediocre”. Furthermore, Irina states that if you’re going to be mediocre, you could at least have a good personality to make up for it. Delicious.

Even more delicious is Nicolas’ assessment of Irina. “Irina is actually a really good designer”, he states. “The only problem with her is that she’s a bitch”. The Feather Queen is not messing around on Bob Mackie Day. Learn it.

Runway time. Heidi introduces the judges – Bob Mackie, the Dirrty Girl herself, and Nina motherhumpin Garcia!!!!! Time to walk.

I am surprised by how many people showed LONG dresses/gowns on the runway. Seriously, do they know about Xtina? She’s DIRRTY!!!


Results. Irina is stank safe. Gordana has immunity – so she is also safe. And she’s lucky, because her dress was a mess.

The judges likee Carol Hannah’s long black gown. They also likee Althea’s sparkly dress with a long train. And finally, they likee Nicolas’ feathered number. And, as predicted, none of the judges mention the similarity to Nicolas’ previous winning look. Because none of them (besides Heidi) were there that week. Duh.

The judges no likee Logan’s look. It’s a little too Betty Rubble in Viva Rock Vegas. Heidi states that Shirin’s dress looks like an “Upscale Halloween Witch outfit”. I wouldn’t call it “upscale”. And, finally, Christopher tried to create an outfit that Xtina could wear while singing a Cyndi Lauper song (because, you know, Christina doesn’t have any songs of her own to sing) – and after the “reveal”, Xtina could sing one of her own songs. Which is just a fancy way of saying “I created two ugly-ass outfits”. Nina, in particular, hates it – saying it is too similar to Xtina’s skanky old “Lady Marmalade” outfit. Remember, she’s DIRRTY!!!


That is NOT a look that needs to be resurrected.

The judges discuss amongst themselves. Some highlights: Bob Mackie wouldn’t put Christopher’s outfit on a chorus girl, and says it looked like “the road company of the Pussycat Dolls”. Delicious. Mackie also suggested a way to take Logan’s outfit to the next level: “You put diamonds on the crotch and you’re home free”. Unless your crotch area is this size...

All those diamonds could bankrupt a biatch.

Time for the results. Althea is in, and Carol Hannah is the winner. Nicolas is crushed – and immediately resigns as President of the Bob Mackie Fan Club. Logan is also in, and will be bedazzling diamonds onto the crotch of his shiny pants when he gets back to the apartment.

This leaves Shirin and Christopher. Shirin is out, and Christopher is safe. Lady Marmalade stays, while Witchiepoo (below) goes.


Next week: Rodeo Drive! More stank from Irina! And Michael Kors and Nina Garcia – TOGETHER on the judging panel at long last!

What did YOU think of Episode 9 and the outcome? Please feel free to vent in the comments section…

Project Runway - Episode 8 - I Want A Divorce

Last week, in one of the most yawn-inducing challenges in Project Runway history (“Make Something Blue”), Irina won – and “Nice Kenley” Louise was sent home. And since Louise and I are now buddies on Twatter Twitter, this give me the sad face :(

Last night’s episode begins back in the apartments, where Carol Hannah says she is also sad-faced about Louise. Gordana, on the other hand, is giving us her immigrant’s tale: “I come to America wit nutting … now I have ehbreeting. WAT A COUNTRY!”. Finally, Irina – who has won the last two challenges – thinks that people are talking about her behind her back. The funny thing is, IRINA is the only one who seems to talk stank about the others. And as a snarky Recapper, I thank her for that.

But over on the boy’s side, Logan IS talking behind Irina’s back (!) about how “she acts like she’s better” than the rest of them. Christopher, after having an Andrae-worthy breakdown on the runway last time, vows to “pick himself up” this week. He will survive. He will survive. As long as he knows how to love sew, he knows he’ll stay alive. He’s got all his life to live, and all his love to give. Christopher will survive.

On the runway, Heidi surprises the Fashiontestants with “new models”. From backstage come nine women wearing wedding dresses. It turns out these women are all divorced, and the designers must turn their wedding dresses into “hip, wearable outfits”.

The divorcees introduce themselves one-by-one. First of all, there is one lady who has been divorced for 16 years – why is she still holding onto her wedding dress? Hoarder!!! Secondly, there is one gal – Stephanie – who has been divorced for 14 years. And apparently “Renaissance Faire Bride” was BIG in 1995 – because this is pretty close to what she looks like…

Irina gets to pick her “model” first – and she chooses the woman with the biggest dress. Everyone else seems to follow suit – the more material, the better. Shirin picks last, and she ends up with the woman who has the smallest dress and thus the least amount of fabric.

They head back to the workroom for sketching. Tim Gunn announces that the winner of this challenge will have immunity (He/She Will Survive … at least another week!!) – the last immunity of the season.

The divorcees come in to discuss with their designers. Renaissance Faire Stephanie wants to make sure her dress is “cruelty-free” (a Vegan dress?). “No animals have to suffer … yeeeaahh!”, Stephanie says to Nicolas (her designer). The animals may not suffer, but with Nicolas at the helm I have a feeling our eyeballs MAY suffer.

Shirin’s divorcee – “Charlie” – is a performer, and she wants something “superfly”. Unfortunately Shirin doesn’t have enough fabric to create this…



But maybe she could just do the hat. After discussing, it becomes apparent that Charlie wants a circa-1970’s “Half-Breed” Cher outfit – complete with headdress. Seriously…


But, then again, don’t we all want that? Let’s be honest here. BTW, I thought they officially changed the name of Cher’s song “Half-Breed” to “Mixed-Race”...

Mixed-race! That's all I ever heard

Mixed-race! How I learned to hate the word
Mixed-race! She's no good they warned
Both sides were against me since the day I was born…

Although it's not nearly as catchy as the original.

Time for a quick trip to Mood for $25 worth of trimmings, superfly rhinestones, and Indian Native American headdress feathers. They are also permitted to purchase 2 yards of additional fabric.

Workroom mini-recap: Carol-Hannah makes a living out of creating wedding dresses, so it seems weird destroying one. Irina, however, finds the idea “empowering”. Epperson has decided to use as little of the actual dress as possible. Unfortunately the challenge is to USE the old wedding dress as much as possible to create a new design – not “Make a new outfit out of $25 worth of rhinestones and feathers from Mood”. This is going to be a problem.

An emotional Gordana gets a chance to call her family back home, but no one picks up – so she leaves a pretty unsettling message on someone’s voicemail.

Gordana: [[Sob, sob, waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh … gulp]] “Hi guys.” [[sob, gulp, snot, sob]] “Having a good time … wish you were here” [[moan, cry, snot, moan, cry]]. “Ok, I guess you’re not there … I’ll just go back to being all alone in a strange city.” [[waaaaaaaaahhhhh, cry, snot, bawl]] “But I’ll be okay – don’t worry about me”. [[hangs up the phone]].

OMG – if I received a voicemail like that from a family member, I would be calling 911, the FBI, CSI Miami, NCIS, JAG, Missing Persons (the band – just for kicks), Psychic John Edward, Oprah and Dr. Phil. All hands on deck, bitches.

Tim visits the workroom. He heads over to Christopher first and immediately states that he’s worried about his design. Christopher assures Tim that the dress in front of him is just “infrastructure”, and literally the base of something fabulous. Yeah, and last week Christopher reinvented the shirt-dress. As Tim would say: "I'm dubious".

Tim visits Irina, and really likes the “gorgeous color” she was able to dye the 100% acetate fabric. Athough “don’t put a match near it”, Tim wisely advises. However, I do sense that Tim would like to torch a few of these other messes.

Speaking of … Epperson is struggling with a design that Tim calls “lab-coaty”. Epperson explains to Tim how he doesn’t want to actually use the wedding dress in the “Use a Wedding Dress To Create a New Dress” challenge. Tim patiently explains that the wedding dress should be the “core of the look”. I will add “Duh!”, because you know Tim wanted to say it.

Logan, too, is basing his look around non-wedding dress fabric. In particular, a pair of wool trousers – made from fabric he bought at Mood. Tim is “worried”, but maybe Logan will wear his Magical Shiny Pants on the runway and brainwash the judges again.

Tim visits Gordana, and loves what he sees. But Tim usually likes Gordana’s efforts, only to see the judges rip her to shreds on the runway. Maybe Gordana needs to borrow those shiny pants.

Finally, Tim visits the normally-perky Shirin – who has had it with her superfly client Charlie. When Shirin tells Tim about Charlie’s desire for a show-stopping “Half Breed Dark Lady Gypsies Tramps and Thieves – The Remix” outfit – Tim tells her that CHARLIE isn’t the one in at risk of going home. He tells Shirin to start over and re-think her design.

As a result, Shirin decides to use stitching to create an interesting design on her white fabric – and starts sewing furiously. Also, Epperson finally figures out that he “misunderstood the challenge”, and he changes his design. Maybe he could do a nice last-minute Ra'mon ju'mpsuit?...

The divorcees come in for a fitting, and for the most part they seem happy with their new outfits. Shirin’s model, Charlie, is being a pain in the ass – but Shirin seems to be tuning her out. Shirin says that at this point the challenge is NOT about Charlie’s new life – it’s about Shirin’s need to stay in the competition. Shirin will survive … she will survive … hey hey.

The next morning is Runway Day – and the designers are in panic mode. Logan and Shirin both have a ton of work to do – and Epperson keeps “fluffing” his outfit, which he is “not confident” about. Well, if this designing thing doesn’t work out, Epperson can always be a full-time Fluffer.

Anywhore, Tim Gunn enters and pays the bills (shout-outs to L’Oreal, Garnier, Macy’s, and Marshmallow Fluff).

The divorcees come in and put on their new dresses. Charlie is grilling Shirin: Did she work up until midnight? Yes. Does the dress make her look like a linebacker? No. Can you make the dress shorter? Ho. I mean, NO.

Epperson’s divorcee likes her dress, as do the other ladies around her. Christopher’s divorcee states that she doesn’t want to look like a “fat grandma”. Luckily for her, she ends up looking like a shiny, crumpled, SKINNY grandma.

Nicolas decides that honesty is not the best policy and lies to his client. “This outfit is SO YOU!”, he exclaims. Only if by “so you” he means “lordthatsugly”. Renaissance Faire Stephanie, his client, buys it and decides she loves Nicolas and wants to have his child. Methinks Stephanie did a lot of drugs back in the day and was having some kind of hippie Summer of Love flashback. I mean, has she SEEN Nicolas?...


Another blogger once described Nicolas as “moist”, which completely cracked me up. Nicolas IS moist, and not in a delicious Duncan-Hines kinda way – his moistness is more of a “mildewy public restroom” thing.

Anymoistwhore, it’s time for the runway show. Heidi introduces this week’s Judges: Michael Kor(ange)s, the hot dog vender lady who parks her cart in front of Marie Claire headquarters, and Jimmy Choo co-founder and obvious plastic surgery fan Tamara Mellon.

The divorcees walk – and after the show Heidi tells Carol Hannah, Althea, and Nicolas (?!?) that they are safe. This leaves Gordana, Shirin, and Irina in the Likee category – and Christopher, Logan, and Epperson in the No Likee category.

The judges grill the designers. They love Gordana’s edgy, chic, and flattering dress. They also love how Irina turned her acetate lace extravaganza into something wearable and cute. Finally, they like what Shirin came up with – even though Charlie had initially wanted a Cher Half-Breed outfit. Michael Kors seems a little sad not to see a feathered headdress, saying he loves a girl having “a Mixed-Race Half-Breed moment”. Again I ask: who doesn’t?

On the other hand, they HATE Christopher’s dress. He has tried to create an outfit that his actress-client can wear to industry functions. Michael Kors advises against it – describing the dress as “tin foil” and a “Metallic Hefty Bag”. Apparently Kors doesn’t have to plug the Glad Family of Products now that Project Runway has moved to Lifetime. Besides, “Metallic Glad Bag” sounds kind of cute.

They also no likee Epperson’s dress, and Heidi harasses him for misunderstanding the challenge. She calls his dress “German Oktoberfest”, and she’s right…



Although Tamara Mellow calls it “Pirate’s Wench” – which is also accurate. Make Epperson walk the plank!!

Finally, they speak to Logan (sans shiny pants – uh oh). Heidi thinks the blouse is also very Oktoberfestive, and Kors says the trousers look like his client ran away in the middle of a fitting. Tamara, in all seriousness, calls the trousers a “tragedy”. No, a “tragedy” is what happened to the Titanic, Logan’s trousers are merely “tragic”. Learn it.

The designers go backstage and the judges discuss. Blah, blah, blah, matronly, blah blah worse-dressed list, blah trousers, Oktoberfest, tragedy, blah blah blah.

Time for the results. Shirin is safe and Gordana is the winner. Gordana will have immunity (She will survive) another week. WAT A COUNTRY!!...

Irina is also safe, which leaves nothing but boys on the runway: Christopher, Logan, and Epperson. Christopher is safe, meaning that one of the straight guys will be leaving. In the end, Logan’s cuteness may have saved him again (even without the shiny pants) – because Epperson is sent home for his Oktoberfrightfest Pirate's Wench outfit...

Next week on Project Runway: they design for Cristina Aguilera! Bob Mackie guest-judges! And Meana Garzilla is back!! This is all I wrote in my notes when I saw her on my TV screen: “Nina, Bitches!” Learn it.

Project Runway Ep. 7 - "RRRuffles Have Ridges!"

On last week’s episode of Project Runway, Nicolas created Ice Queen Couture and won, while Ra’mon attempted Sleestak Chic. Unfortunately for him, he succeeded and was sent home…

This week, as the Fashiontestants prepare for their next challenge, we see and hear the usual “It’s so weird that _______ isn’t here”, while Gordana compares Project Runway to the Olympics. Does that make her one of those Eastern European steroid-pumped female athletes from the 80’s? And Louise – after almost going home last week – vows not to send another “snooze fest” down the runway this time. Of course it’s hard to take her seriously, because she’s yawning as she makes this declaration.

Over on the boys side, Captain SexyPants (AKA Logan) has moved in with the remaining fellas – and he is trying to get used to things with Epperson, Christopher and Nicolas. Not only does Logan have to move all his crap, Nicolas warns Logan that he is “a cuddler”. That would be my cue to find the nearest Holiday Inn Express, flophouse, homeless shelter, or abandoned building to go sleep in.

In the workroom, Tim Gunn introduces Martine Reardon, a Vice President at Macy’s. She explains that this week’s challenge will be to create two looks using the color blue (the “in” color at Macy’s 3 seasons ago when the show was filmed). Furthermore, the looks must represent Macy’s in-house fashion label I.N.C. The winner of the challenge will have a holiday dress of theirs sold at Macy’s.

Seriously?!? “Make Something Blue” is the challenge?!?!? That’s it?!? SPOILER ALERT: Next week’s challenge: “Make Something”. And Malvin will be filling in for Nina Garcia. WTF, Lifetime?!?

Anywhore, they will be working in teams of two (cue rolling of designer eyes and sucking of designer teeth). They will have 15 minutes to sketch, and then they will pitch their ideas to Ms. Macy. Martine will pick the team leaders, and the team leaders will pick their partners.

When they are done sketching, the designers meet with Martine one-by-one. Irina says it’s like a job interview where you have no idea how you did – because the interviewer was playing solitaire on his computer while you spoke. My personal favorite pitch was Christopher’s, who said his look transitioned easily from “workplace to happy hour”. I need a bunch of those outfits. But I was wondering why no one thought of the most obvious blue outfit that could represent Macy’s. After all, he shows up every year for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade…


Anysmurf, after Martine picked the team leaders, the team leaders pick their partners:

Althea picks first, and naturally she selects the most talented designer the hot straight guy. Don’t judge.

Christopher picks Epperson.

Louise picks Nicolas – saying she’s not worried about Nicolas having immunity, because her designs are so strong. Great idea … pick the guy who has been in the bottom on multiple occasions, and now has immunity (???). You better have some Christian Lacroix Karl Lagerfeld Chanel Givenchy Yves Saint Laurent FIERCENESS on that there sketch pad, Miss Thang.

Irina picks Gordana, and finally Carol Hannah picks Shirin. And off they go to Mood – where they have $100 and 20 minutes.

We see the usual Mood scramble, but this time is it's big blur of blue. I bet the Mood employees were sick of hearing “I like this one, but do you have it in BLUE?”. Time is up, and when they get to the registers, Louise no longer has her Soprano-esque envelope-o-cash. She laid it down somewhere in the store – and must retrace her steps. Louise eventually finds it, along with her Lacroix/Lagerfield/Chanel/Etc. sketches … which she also misplaced. Louise is just lucky they weren’t at Mood NY, because some Parson’s Fashion Queen/Student would have spent the money on weed and turned in those sketches as his Spring Project. Thank you Mood!

In the workroom, the collaborations begin. Irina – who can be deliciously stank – is rolling her eyes at Gordana and generally hating the fact that she must work with a partner.

Nicolas – Mr. Immunity – HATES the ruffled garments that Louise has planned. Nicolas even sneaks over to Althea and talks smack behind Louise’s back. Bottom line?... Nicolas HATES Ruffles. I, however, think they’re delicious …


Christopher and Epperson, on the other hand, are getting along like Michael Kors and Baby Oil at the beach (SPF negative infinity) … best of friends. Epperson (AKA "George") loves working with Christopher – as opposed to his last team partner – Qristyl (AKA "Weezy"). And Christopher respects Epperson so much and it is a true collaboration … blah, blah, blah …


I wonder if Epperson is a cuddler?...

Mini workroom recap: Logan is hot. Louise chirps like a bird. Irina hates blue. Nicolas still hates Ruffles - he prefers taco-flavored Doritos.

Tim Gunn visits and critiques. He likee Carol Hannah and Shirin’s looks, but don’t get him started on the use of leggings. Too difficult to remove in a hurry … if ya smell what I’m steppin’ in.

When Tim visits Irina and Gordana, it’s obvious that the two women are not on the same page. Irina wants a belt, Gordana wants a sash. Irina wants it tied, Gordana wants it fastened. Irina likes ball-point, Gordana prefers felt-tip. You can just FEEL the tension.

Finally, Tim visits Team Ebony & Ivory (Christopher and Epperson). They are living together in perfect harmony, BTW. They have created a shirtdress (which Tim likee) in a shiny fabric (which Tim isn’t so sure about). He tells Christopher and Epperson they have the “potential for serious reinvention”. When Tim walks away, Ivory turns to Ebony and states “We reinvented the shirtdress!”. I bet when Christopher gets something in the mail that says “You May Have Already Won”, he runs around his house screaming “I WON … I WON!!!!!”.

End-of-evening mini-recap: Irina thinks Gordana is taking too long. Carol Hannah freaks out at night. Louise is not a good judge of time (that’s why they invented “clocks”). Irina thinks Carol Hannah and Shirin’s outfits look cheap. Nicolas still hates Ruffles, although he’ll eat them with French Onion Dip. Time for bed!!!

The next morning is runway day – and Louise is all-of-a-sudden worried about the fact that she picked one of the worst designers (who just happened to have immunity) as her partner. Ya think?!? Irina, on the other hand, is not worried – because she has a steroid-pumped Eastern European woman doing all her heavy lifting. Althea and Logan are also concerned – they have a lot to finish.

They head to the workroom, where Tim pays the bills (plugs for Garnier, L’Oreal Paris, and Macy’s). Everyone is trying to finish up, and Epperson literally pats himself on the back for his fabulous shirt-dress. You know, the one he and Weezy-lite REINVENTED. Christopher and Epperson are now referring to each other as The Dream Team. I think we all know where this is going.

Gordana is thankful that the blouse she created looks good, otherwise Irina might “Throw me ON the bus”. “On”, “under”, “around”, “near” … we know what she means.

Time for the runway show. Heidi introduces the judges. First, MICHAEL KORS IS BACK!! Second, we have the lady who cleans the bathrooms at Marie Claire, and third, Martine from Macy’s. Heidi states that one “or more” will be out. Cue ominous sound effects…

The models walk, the judges gawk. Overall, the runway show was boring because the challenge was boring. After all, the challenge was “Make something blue”, not “Make something blue and on fire” or “Make something blue using nothing but car parts and newspapers from Gristedes”.

Results! Althea and Logan are safe. Carol Hannah/Shirin and Irina/Gordana are the top teams - Louise/Nicolas and Christopher/Epperson are the bottoms. Ebony and Ivory have “Heidisaywhat?!?” looks on their faces as they walk backstage to wait for the judges.

The judges speak to the winners, and I was literally dozing off at this point. But luckily I had eaten a bunch of nonfat Ruffles Potato Chips earlier – and all that Olestra was keeping me on my toes. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, I have two words for you: “Oily Discharge”. Apologies if you were trying to eat something as you read that.

Finally, the judges talk to the losers. It was so nice to have Michael Kors back, because no one does bitchy judging better than Michael Kor(ange)s. He told Louise and Nicolas that their ruffled outfits looked like bridesmaid dresses with loofahs up the front…


Then Michael REALLY laid it on. He told Christopher and Epperson that the shirt dress looked like it was made out of a tablecloth (it’s been reinvented!) and their other dress looked like a “Disco Pumpkin”…


“Did you think they went together?”, Michael demanded to know. Christopher, who couldn’t answer because he was crying so hard just stood there sobbing.

“They don’t”. Case closed - GUILTY AS CHARGED!!!. It was delicious.

Everyone goes and waits backstage for the judges to discuss … then they bring everybody back onto the runway for the results.

Irina is the winner. She will sell a holiday dress at Macy’s. Shirin, Gordana, Carol Hanna, Epperson and Nicolas are safe.

This leaves Louise and Christopher. Heidi announces that Christopher is safe, and Louise will be going home with a bad case of “the blues”.


Next Week: Michael Kors calls yo mama “Double Ugly!”. That’s twice as bad as plain old regular ugly!


Added Bonus. I don’t normally recap/write about that horrible Models of the Runway show. But for those of you who watched it last night, I will recap it for you with one picture and two words...


Pumpkin pie!

Project Runway Episode Six - Hooray (?) For Hollywood

On last week’s Project Runway, the designers became ink-stained wretches (wenches?) during the “Make clothes out of newspapers” challenge – and Irina won. But Johnny lied – so his dreams of going to Bryant Park died. And then Tim Gunn talked about him like a dog. The end.

This week opens, as always, in the apartments – but this time the lovely Logan is already sporting a shirt. Damn. And Nicolas gives us one of the preeminent reality show competition clichés: he’s “Not here to make friends”. And based on his personality, he is succeeding.

They head to the runway, where Heidi tells them that their next challenge will deal with Hollywood and the movies. They then all travel to a “real sound stage” where they meet Tim Gunn and L’Oreal Paris makeup queen Collier Strong. This will be one of those “Makeup will count as part of your look” challenges. This is also known as a “We’ll pretend this is important so Lifetime can get a big check from L’Oreal” challenge.

Tim informs the Fashiontestants that this week they will pick a film genre, and then create a character within that genre. They will then design an outfit that reflects the character and the chosen genre. The designers will have one day for this challenge.

Tim pulls names out of the bag, and the designers get to pick from “Period Piece”, “Film Noir”, “Action”, “Science Fiction/Fantasy”, or “Western”. Nobody wants Western … probably because when one thinks “Western”, one might think of an outfit like this…

Shirin and Epperson pick last and end up with “Western”. Yee-haw!!!!!

They return to the workroom to sketch, and we get a little vignette of Carol Hannah and Logan talking and working together on their “Action” characters. Logan says Carol Hannah is the only “female” he has connected with on the show, and Carol Hannah says Logan is “hot”. That’s it … the biggest Project Runway love affair since Tim Gunn and Andrae went on an imaginary date to the Olive Garden Red Lobster. Zzzzzzzzzzzz - come on Lifetime, you can do better than that. Seriously, I have a more meaningful relationship with the Subway sandwich guy across the street. Sometimes he even gives me extra cheese … SWOON!!!!!!

Anywhore, the designers head to Mood, where they have $150 to spend, and 30 minutes to spend it. The Feather Prince Queen (Nicolas) heads directly for the White Plumage department, while the rest of the Fashiontestants proceed to the “Cheap and Costumy” fabric aisle. Thank you Mood!

Back in the workroom, the designers work on their character stories while creating their outfits. Epperson’s “Western” lady … OMG – I just had a brainstorm – if Epperson ever starts his own fashion line, he could call it “Eppilady”…


Sorry – Epperson’s Western woman is taking care of the ranch while her husband is off fighting “the war”. Which war?? The Civil War. The War of 1812? The War on Drugs?. Be specific.

Gordana’s “Period Piece” will be a Flapper girl from the 1920’s. Gordana says she finds this period interesting, because women were just getting “emancipated”. At least I think that’s what she said. Between Gordana's accent and my sloppy notes, she may have said “emaciated”. Whatevs ... either one works.

Nicolas – The Feather Queen – has developed a long and involved stories about queens, sisters, and evil. Sounds like any given Saturday night down at the local gay bar to me…


Ra’mon admits that he is a total SciFi/Trekkie geek – and is going for a reptilian/human hybrid outfit. That sounds a little bit scary, because all I can think of are the “Lizard Men” from one of my favorite movies of all time … Flash Gordon …


Finally, Louise admits that she doesn’t really have a complete backstory yet for her character. Silly Louise - she is focusing on things like designing and sewing – not stories about evil Queens and Reptilepeople.

Tim visits the workroom. He seems to likee Christopher’s Victorian Vampire Bride – although Tim questions the lack of sleeves. Tim pronounces Epperson’s Western outfit very “Annie Get Your Gun” and says that he is “seduced” by the ruffles on the dress. He tells Louise and Nicolas to push it and exaggerate in order to come across well on the runway. And he tells Ra’mon that his outfit could be “sublime” or a “hot mess”. SPOILER ALERT: bet on “hot mess”…

There are two more hours to go before the end of the night, and the models come in for a fitting. Ra’mon declares that his outfit is looking very “Kermit the Frog Gone Wrong” – and he needs to start from scratch. Ra’mon is right – when you create something Lady CaCa would wear, throw it away and start over…


The next morning they have two hours to pull their looks together before the runway show. Everyone scrambles to get done – especially Ra’mon, who has redone his look into a dress (rhymes with “mess”). With this new mess dress, Ra’mon states that he hopes to end up “in the middle”. SPOILER ALERT: Wishful thinking!!!

Time for the show. We are introduced to this week’s Judges: Designer John Varvatos, Marie Claire receptionist Zoe Glassner, and Oscar-nominated costume designer Arianne Phillips.

The models walk, the judges gawk. Heidi calls out the “safe” designers and they go backstage. Here are the remaining designers, and their outfits …

Christopher’s Vampire Bride…



Louise’s boring “Film Noir” chick …



Epperson’s Western Eppilady…



Gordana’s Flapper…



Nicolas’ Ice Queen/Ruler of the Universe…



And, finally, Ra’mon’s “Swamp Thing”…



The judges likee Nicolas, and his story about evil queens. They also likee Christopher, and his story of a secret Vampire wedding. And, finally, the Judges likee Epperson and his “Ruffles Have Ridges” Western dress.

They no likee Gordana, Louise, and Ra’mon.

The designers head backstage and the Judges discuss. Basically, they think Louise and Gordana’s pieces weren’t “special” enough and didn’t stand out. Whereas Ra’mon’s outfit will stand out in its "special" place in fashion Hell … forever.

Time for the results. Gordana and Epperson are safe – and Nicolas is the winner, and will have immunity next week. Christopher is also safe.

This leaves Louise and her film noir about boring dresses, or Ra’mon’s big-budget disaster flick come-to-life on a model. And in the end, Ra’mon is sent home. And this week Tim doesn't talk stank about the loser. The end.


Next week – the return of the fiercest Oompa Loompa in the fashion industry – the sorely missed MICHAEL KORS! Thank you Jeebus!!!

What did YOU think about this episode? Feel free to let loose in the Comments section…

Project Runway Episode Five - LIES!

On last week’s Project Runway, a pack of horny, no-name “Judges” saved sexy Logan and sent “Plus Sexy” Qristyl baqk home to Brooqlyn.

This week’s much-hyped-by-Lifetime episode begins in the apartments with a little Stank. Irina talks smack about Althea winning the last challenge, and Nicolas has decided he hates Johnny. I wish they would let the designers put booze in their morning coffee so we could get a little more Stank – it makes for a more interesting show (and a funnier recap).

On the runway, Heidi announces that Tim will be taking them on another field trip – and they end up at the printing press facility of the Los Angeles Times. There they meet Booth Moore, the Fashion Editor of the L.A. Times – who tells the Fashiontestants they will be creating a look using newspaper as their “fabric”. Wait, wasn’t this supposed to be the MOST UNBELIEVABLE CHALLENGE EVER? An “unbelievable” challenge would be “Design a Speedo bathing suit for male models using nothing but Saran Wrap”. Actually, what is the Lifetime’s email address? … I think I’ll send in that suggestion…

The designers have three minutes to grab as much newspaper as they can carry. After they gather what they need, everyone heads back to the workroom. Tim explains some of the stipulations of the challenge, and then gives a brief history of paper fashion – which caused quite a stir in the 60’s. Too bad it’s not causing a stir right now on my TV screen. See-through Speedos, on the other hand, that would get me stirred.

The usual workroom conversation ensues … Nicolas talks about how “clueless” he is and that he “will be going home tomorrow”. Nicolas says that EVERY week, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened yet. We also find out that Shirin (or is it Irina? Shirina??) makes a lot of noise in the workroom. Yeah, so what?!? Seriously Lifetime … this is the most entertaining thing you can show us - that Shirina has a mouth that runs like a duck’s ass?? Seriously?? But that’s ok – because Lifetime has promised us THE BIGGEST LIE EVER TOLD in the entire HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION will be revealed during this episode. I can’t wait.

Actually, we DO get a little entertainment out of this workroom banter. Johnny is bragging about how “stoked” he is about his “large-scale origami” dress that he has dyed red – complete with folded-paper birds holding up the shoulder. All the while, Nicolas is giving Johnny the side-eye, and in a one-on-one interview Nicolas says that Johnny’s dress looks like “wrinkled paper with pig’s blood”…

Tim visits, stopping by Gordana first. Gordana has planned on two garments – one of them has an Obama-esque “Time To Change” logo on it. Tim no likee this “political statement” – but thinks her second look is “stunning”.

Tim visits Irina (Shirin? Shirina? Irin??), who is toying with the idea of doing a trench coat. Tim reminds Irina of the “paper raincoat” that was created in 1968, and tells her to go for it. Really, a PAPER RAINCOAT? That sounds about as functional as a soup spoon made out of ice. Wait a second, maybe Tim’s paper raincoat statement was THE BIGGEST LIE EVER TOLD!?!

Tim also visits Nicolas, who is trying to do an East Village “punk” dress, and Christopher, who is attempting to create a “showstopper”. But it's hard to concentrate when they keep showing commercials for the 2nd season of DietTribe - featuring the hunky Jessie Pavelka …


Ouch!! Can you imagine my recaps for THAT show? “Oh yeah Jessie – pump that weight. Pump it GOOD!! HARDER!!!!”. And if they could put Jessie in a pair of Glad Wrap boxer-briefs, it would be even better. But all those needy women would totally ruin it for me.

Anywhore, Tim Gunn approaches Johnny, who is beaming proudly beside his Origami OrigaMESS. Tim, in his most negative critique of the season, cries out “I’m woeful!”, and that the dress looks like a “craft project gone awry” which “a bunch of kindergartners” created. I guess Tim doesn’t likee.

When Johnny points out the origami birds that are intended to hold up the shoulder of the dress, Tim – invoking Hitchcock’s The Birds – says that it looked like birds have ATTACKED the garment.


{{Cue school children singing}}…

“Risselty-rosselty, hey bom-bosselty,
Nicklety, knacklety, rustical quality,
Willaby-wallaby NOW NOW NOW!…”

So Johnny informs us that he must immediately start over, and we see him discarding the OrigaMESS.

The models enter for a fitting – and all of a sudden Johnny is telling everyone that a steamer/iron had “ruined” his initial garment … which Nicolas and everyone else realizes is a total lie. Johnny didn't want to admit that Tim thought his first dress sucked, so he created a little white lie to deal with his embarrassment. No big deal, right?

At the end of the night, back in the apartment, Johnny is still telling his steamer story – and I realize that THIS is what Lifetime was calling THE BIGGEST LIE since Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. Seriously?!? This is it?!? What about that idiot Keith from Season 3 who smuggled in pattern books and snuck away to use the Internet and was sent home immediately?!? Seriously?!?!

It’s runway day, and the models go through hair and makeup. Tim suggests that the designers prepare an “emergency repair kit” with lots of tape in case of pre-runway mishaps. Personally, I would suggest matches and/or lighter fluid.

At least there are decent judges this week – Tommy Hilfiger, Eva Longoria, and the gal who fetches Starbucks for Nina Garcia – Zoe Glassner. The three of them (and Heidi) will be judging whatever rustles down the runway.

Some of you may not remember this, but Mr. Hilfiger actually had a fashion competition show of his own a few years ago. It was called “The Cut”, and the only good thing about it was the cute winner, Chris Cortez…



BTW, if I was the Emperor of Television I would demand that Chris Cortez appear on EVERY reality competition show – and, of course, he would always win (with a shirtless Jessie Pavelka always coming in a close second). Actually, how does one apply to become “The Emperor of Television”, anywhoo? Maybe it’s one of those Obama “Czar” positions that makes Glenn Beck cry…

The models (carefully) walk and the judges gawk. Afterwards, Heidi tells Johnny, Nicolas, Christopher, Althea, Gordana, and Irina to remain – the rest are safe.

The judges speak to Althea first. Althea says that she tried to contour her dress to the model's “bum” (Althea is British now?!?). Eva likee – saying she always tries to accentuate her “bum”, which she calls, “my asset”. Get it?!? ASSet!! Bad dum BUM!!

Gordana is next – and honestly I can’t tell if the judges likee or no likee. Heidi, as always, keeps saying the word “boring” – so I guess they no likee.

On the other hand, the judges LOVE Irina’s trench coat. Tommy says it reminds him of Chanel, Yves Saint Laurent, and Givenchy. It reminds ME of the Los Angeles Times, The New York Daily News, and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette – but in a good way. The judges also likee Christopher’s look.

Up next is Johnny – and Heidi thinks that Johnny’s dress looks like something a Hooker would wear. A Hooker in a paper dress? I guess it would make cleanup easy. After all, people usually cover their picnic tables with newspapers before feasting on crabs or crawfish. Which, come to think of it, sounds very similar to having sex with a Hooker…


On the runway, Johnny continues to spew lies – LIES, I TELL YOU! – about having to scrap his first dress because of a steamer mishap. That is, until Nicolas tells the Judges that Johnny’s first attempt was a “red mess”. Johnny thanks him politely for throwing him under the bus. The whole situation is so NOT exciting that I’m getting bored just typing this. Methinks Lifetime lied about the BIG LIE.

Nicolas is critiqued next, and Marie Claire Intern Zoe Glassner says the only thing “New York” about Nicolas’ garment is the fact that it reminds her of a cockroach. Zing! Zoe has just been promoted to CHIEF Intern, and will no longer have to pick up Nina’s dry cleaning.

The Fashiontestants go backstage and the Judges discuss. The highlight of this conversation was when Heidi asked Tommy Hilfiger if a steam iron could have really ruined Johnny’s dress (LIES!!), which prompted Eva to say “Tommy doesn’t iron, honey”. Now THAT is not a lie.

Time for the results (finally!). Althea and Christopher are safe – and Irina’s trench coat (below) is the winner. Gordana is also safe.

This leaves us with the Bickersons – Nicolas and Johnny – remaining. Heidi announces that Nicolas is safe, and that Johnny will be going home.

Johnny says that he feels “lost” and “empty” (LIES!) – which is exactly how I’m feeling after realizing this episode didn’t live up to the hype. Johnny tearfully adds that giving up addiction was easier than appearing on Project Runway (LIES!).

Backstage, Tim coldly tells Johnny to go up to the workroom and clean up his space. Then, when Johnny leaves the room, Tim proceeds to talk about Johnny's LIES like Johnny was the evil offspring of Victorya and Kenley. A bizarre ending to a bizarre episode.

Later that day, Johnny’s dress was spotted on the streets of NYC, finally serving its true purpose…

Project Runway Tonight - Ink-Stained Wretches

What is this huge "Unbelievable Challenge" Lifetime is promoting for tonight's Project Runway? The Fashiontestants will be making dresses out of recycled newspapers ... not exactly earth-shattering, is it?!?

Please check out predictions of what might happen tonight over at Gratz Industries. Alan Gratz analyzes the preview videos to try and determine the outcome of each show - and he is pretty damn accurate! It is always an interesting pre-show read.