Project Runway Episode Five - LIES!

On last week’s Project Runway, a pack of horny, no-name “Judges” saved sexy Logan and sent “Plus Sexy” Qristyl baqk home to Brooqlyn.

This week’s much-hyped-by-Lifetime episode begins in the apartments with a little Stank. Irina talks smack about Althea winning the last challenge, and Nicolas has decided he hates Johnny. I wish they would let the designers put booze in their morning coffee so we could get a little more Stank – it makes for a more interesting show (and a funnier recap).

On the runway, Heidi announces that Tim will be taking them on another field trip – and they end up at the printing press facility of the Los Angeles Times. There they meet Booth Moore, the Fashion Editor of the L.A. Times – who tells the Fashiontestants they will be creating a look using newspaper as their “fabric”. Wait, wasn’t this supposed to be the MOST UNBELIEVABLE CHALLENGE EVER? An “unbelievable” challenge would be “Design a Speedo bathing suit for male models using nothing but Saran Wrap”. Actually, what is the Lifetime’s email address? … I think I’ll send in that suggestion…

The designers have three minutes to grab as much newspaper as they can carry. After they gather what they need, everyone heads back to the workroom. Tim explains some of the stipulations of the challenge, and then gives a brief history of paper fashion – which caused quite a stir in the 60’s. Too bad it’s not causing a stir right now on my TV screen. See-through Speedos, on the other hand, that would get me stirred.

The usual workroom conversation ensues … Nicolas talks about how “clueless” he is and that he “will be going home tomorrow”. Nicolas says that EVERY week, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened yet. We also find out that Shirin (or is it Irina? Shirina??) makes a lot of noise in the workroom. Yeah, so what?!? Seriously Lifetime … this is the most entertaining thing you can show us - that Shirina has a mouth that runs like a duck’s ass?? Seriously?? But that’s ok – because Lifetime has promised us THE BIGGEST LIE EVER TOLD in the entire HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION will be revealed during this episode. I can’t wait.

Actually, we DO get a little entertainment out of this workroom banter. Johnny is bragging about how “stoked” he is about his “large-scale origami” dress that he has dyed red – complete with folded-paper birds holding up the shoulder. All the while, Nicolas is giving Johnny the side-eye, and in a one-on-one interview Nicolas says that Johnny’s dress looks like “wrinkled paper with pig’s blood”…

Tim visits, stopping by Gordana first. Gordana has planned on two garments – one of them has an Obama-esque “Time To Change” logo on it. Tim no likee this “political statement” – but thinks her second look is “stunning”.

Tim visits Irina (Shirin? Shirina? Irin??), who is toying with the idea of doing a trench coat. Tim reminds Irina of the “paper raincoat” that was created in 1968, and tells her to go for it. Really, a PAPER RAINCOAT? That sounds about as functional as a soup spoon made out of ice. Wait a second, maybe Tim’s paper raincoat statement was THE BIGGEST LIE EVER TOLD!?!

Tim also visits Nicolas, who is trying to do an East Village “punk” dress, and Christopher, who is attempting to create a “showstopper”. But it's hard to concentrate when they keep showing commercials for the 2nd season of DietTribe - featuring the hunky Jessie Pavelka …


Ouch!! Can you imagine my recaps for THAT show? “Oh yeah Jessie – pump that weight. Pump it GOOD!! HARDER!!!!”. And if they could put Jessie in a pair of Glad Wrap boxer-briefs, it would be even better. But all those needy women would totally ruin it for me.

Anywhore, Tim Gunn approaches Johnny, who is beaming proudly beside his Origami OrigaMESS. Tim, in his most negative critique of the season, cries out “I’m woeful!”, and that the dress looks like a “craft project gone awry” which “a bunch of kindergartners” created. I guess Tim doesn’t likee.

When Johnny points out the origami birds that are intended to hold up the shoulder of the dress, Tim – invoking Hitchcock’s The Birds – says that it looked like birds have ATTACKED the garment.


{{Cue school children singing}}…

“Risselty-rosselty, hey bom-bosselty,
Nicklety, knacklety, rustical quality,
Willaby-wallaby NOW NOW NOW!…”

So Johnny informs us that he must immediately start over, and we see him discarding the OrigaMESS.

The models enter for a fitting – and all of a sudden Johnny is telling everyone that a steamer/iron had “ruined” his initial garment … which Nicolas and everyone else realizes is a total lie. Johnny didn't want to admit that Tim thought his first dress sucked, so he created a little white lie to deal with his embarrassment. No big deal, right?

At the end of the night, back in the apartment, Johnny is still telling his steamer story – and I realize that THIS is what Lifetime was calling THE BIGGEST LIE since Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. Seriously?!? This is it?!? What about that idiot Keith from Season 3 who smuggled in pattern books and snuck away to use the Internet and was sent home immediately?!? Seriously?!?!

It’s runway day, and the models go through hair and makeup. Tim suggests that the designers prepare an “emergency repair kit” with lots of tape in case of pre-runway mishaps. Personally, I would suggest matches and/or lighter fluid.

At least there are decent judges this week – Tommy Hilfiger, Eva Longoria, and the gal who fetches Starbucks for Nina Garcia – Zoe Glassner. The three of them (and Heidi) will be judging whatever rustles down the runway.

Some of you may not remember this, but Mr. Hilfiger actually had a fashion competition show of his own a few years ago. It was called “The Cut”, and the only good thing about it was the cute winner, Chris Cortez…



BTW, if I was the Emperor of Television I would demand that Chris Cortez appear on EVERY reality competition show – and, of course, he would always win (with a shirtless Jessie Pavelka always coming in a close second). Actually, how does one apply to become “The Emperor of Television”, anywhoo? Maybe it’s one of those Obama “Czar” positions that makes Glenn Beck cry…

The models (carefully) walk and the judges gawk. Afterwards, Heidi tells Johnny, Nicolas, Christopher, Althea, Gordana, and Irina to remain – the rest are safe.

The judges speak to Althea first. Althea says that she tried to contour her dress to the model's “bum” (Althea is British now?!?). Eva likee – saying she always tries to accentuate her “bum”, which she calls, “my asset”. Get it?!? ASSet!! Bad dum BUM!!

Gordana is next – and honestly I can’t tell if the judges likee or no likee. Heidi, as always, keeps saying the word “boring” – so I guess they no likee.

On the other hand, the judges LOVE Irina’s trench coat. Tommy says it reminds him of Chanel, Yves Saint Laurent, and Givenchy. It reminds ME of the Los Angeles Times, The New York Daily News, and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette – but in a good way. The judges also likee Christopher’s look.

Up next is Johnny – and Heidi thinks that Johnny’s dress looks like something a Hooker would wear. A Hooker in a paper dress? I guess it would make cleanup easy. After all, people usually cover their picnic tables with newspapers before feasting on crabs or crawfish. Which, come to think of it, sounds very similar to having sex with a Hooker…


On the runway, Johnny continues to spew lies – LIES, I TELL YOU! – about having to scrap his first dress because of a steamer mishap. That is, until Nicolas tells the Judges that Johnny’s first attempt was a “red mess”. Johnny thanks him politely for throwing him under the bus. The whole situation is so NOT exciting that I’m getting bored just typing this. Methinks Lifetime lied about the BIG LIE.

Nicolas is critiqued next, and Marie Claire Intern Zoe Glassner says the only thing “New York” about Nicolas’ garment is the fact that it reminds her of a cockroach. Zing! Zoe has just been promoted to CHIEF Intern, and will no longer have to pick up Nina’s dry cleaning.

The Fashiontestants go backstage and the Judges discuss. The highlight of this conversation was when Heidi asked Tommy Hilfiger if a steam iron could have really ruined Johnny’s dress (LIES!!), which prompted Eva to say “Tommy doesn’t iron, honey”. Now THAT is not a lie.

Time for the results (finally!). Althea and Christopher are safe – and Irina’s trench coat (below) is the winner. Gordana is also safe.

This leaves us with the Bickersons – Nicolas and Johnny – remaining. Heidi announces that Nicolas is safe, and that Johnny will be going home.

Johnny says that he feels “lost” and “empty” (LIES!) – which is exactly how I’m feeling after realizing this episode didn’t live up to the hype. Johnny tearfully adds that giving up addiction was easier than appearing on Project Runway (LIES!).

Backstage, Tim coldly tells Johnny to go up to the workroom and clean up his space. Then, when Johnny leaves the room, Tim proceeds to talk about Johnny's LIES like Johnny was the evil offspring of Victorya and Kenley. A bizarre ending to a bizarre episode.

Later that day, Johnny’s dress was spotted on the streets of NYC, finally serving its true purpose…