I'd like to send birthday wishes to HGTV's Carter Oosterhouse, who turns 34 today. And now I know why there is something EXTRA sexy about Carter ... I just found out his mother's name is Mary LÓPEZ. ¡Feliz Cumpleaños, Papi!
Showing posts with label HGTV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HGTV. Show all posts
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Monday, August 3, 2009
Design Star Ep. 3 - Who's Hungry For Some Decorating?
Last week on Design Star, the Designtestants tackled kitchens – which sent Team Leader Amy home, and left underachiever Tashica “hanging by a thread” (to steal a phrase from The Fashion NO Show) for the second week in a row.
This week was all about individuality – the designers will do their first individual “White Room” challenge. Although host Clive Pearse kept calling it the “White WALL Challenge”, which made me think they were decorating car tires…
The designers head over to a huge building at Paramount Studios and find their White Rooms (which contain a sofa, lamp, bookcase and side tables) and $1000 cash. They are delighted, until they find out the $1000 budget must be spent at the grocery store. I don’t know what their problem is - as a fat biatch, I would have been all kinds of happy – and my budget would have been as follows:
Decorative elements for the room: $200
Snacks: $800
They head over to a supermarket – and everyone lines up with their carts. Remember the old show Supermarket Sweep? That’s what it looked like - without the vaguely homosexual duos of same-sex "friends" (remember that?!?). I used to LOVE watching Supermarket Sweep for the women "roommates" who were both Police Officers and enjoyed softball - or the two men who were "best friends" and enjoyed "musical theater"...
Anywhoo - one hour of shopping begins. As they shop, various designers discuss their ideas. Torrie wants to do a teen-centric room – although she is grabbing black trash bags. This brings back memories of that mess of a dress Stella Zotis created on Project Runway with generic Hefty bags. Nathan wants to squirt milk on his walls – which seems new and innovative and vaguely sexual. Maybe the trash bags are to protect Torrie from Nathan’s squirting?
“Color Expert” Jen is banking on the colorful plastic packaging on Japanese noodles to give her room a “pop”. Lonni’s “pop” is going to come from clear plastic cups mounted to the wall – which is what she’s basing her whole design theme around. If Lonni filled up her cups with Nathan’s milk and THEN mounted them to the walls, she’d be a guaranteed winner ... at least in my book.
Jason’s design plan can be summed up into two distinct ideas: Matzo and Dog Food. My response to this can be summed up in three letters: W T F ???
Time is up and shopping is over. And in the dumbass move of the episode, Jen only spends $493 of her $1000 – because she “doesn’t know how” to spend $1000 at the grocery store. Where are her snacks?!? I HATE skinny bitches…
It’s time to get back to the White Rooms and begin working.
Nathan is doing an orange-slice chandelier to go with his milk-splattered walls (mmmm ... CREAMSICLE!). Dan’s room is a “deconstructed orchard” with wood and apple motifs. And Jen is gutting the teddy bears she purchased and is moaning “BRAINS!”. Yeah, she’s gonna win…
Lonni and Tashica are having problems. Tashica is trying tocopy create an alcove light feature using the coffee table – which keeps falling off the wall. Lonni can’t get her plastic cups to stick to HER wall. And Jason keeps talking about the Matzo, which was 50% off. Someone needs to remind Jason that the challenge isn’t to save money during Passover – he’s supposed to be creating a cute room.
Day One is over, and Day Two begins. They will have five hours to finish. Clive stops by for a visit.
Jen tells Clive that her room is “Japanese-Eco inspired”. Clive asked her about color (after all, she is the color expert) and Jen says she’s been having trouble reconciling “real-life color” and “television color”. I don’t know what the problem is, she’s competing for a TELEVISION show, after all. Some supermarket-purchased snacks might have made her smarter.
Clive begins his visit to Nathan by saying “I hate to interrupt your squirting” … no comment. Clive interrupts Tashica as she wads up a roll of toilet paper in her “Garden of Eden” room. Tashica’s “Garden of Eden” looks more like “Garden State Parkway Rest Stop Men's Room” with all that toilet paper.
We’re getting down to the last few minutes, and Lonni has finally decided that maybe the “sticking plastic cups to the wall even though they’ve been falling down since MINUTE ONE” idea may not work. Ya THINK?!? She basically has 20 minutes to come up with something else – and Antonio and Torrie come over to give her a hand.
Nate spends his last few minutes writing a “train of thought” stream of graffiti on his couch. Here is a little of what he wrote:
OMG I’m so gonna win this challenge with my freshly squirted walls the rest of these people suck except for Dan who I think is totally hot OMG what is that heinous room that Jen is putting together with the murdered teddy bears and the Ramen Noodle wrappers and the chocolate milk WTF Wait I better suck up to the judges now I love Candice I love Genevieve I want to make small but stylish babies with Vern Yip …
Time is up - and the judging begins.
The judges likee:
Nathan. His freshly-squirted-upon walls look fantastic – as does his orange slice chandelier. The suck-up comments to the judges on the couch also help…
Torrie. I have to admit, when I saw her grabbing black trash bags, I was skeptical. But the judges likee her youthful room…
And, finally, Dan’s “orchard”. OMG – this room was fantastic. Vern totally “got wood” when he saw it – and I think Candice and Genevieve did also. One of the best rooms EVER, in the history of the show…
And now for the fugly. The judges no likee Jason’s Alpo and Matzo extravaganza – mostly for the lack of color…
Lonni’s unfinished room was also a problem – although she and her teammates pulled something together…
Normally the person who doesn’t finish goes home. That is, unless they are up against someone who decided to create a Crack Den from the slums of Uglytown, like Jen…
OMG. Seriously, I am convinced that Jen only spent $493 on grocery store items so she could purchase $507 worth of heroin. Because she HAD to be high to think that room looked decent. Remember children – drugs are bad, mkay?!?
Time for results. Dan, Torrie and Nate are the best this week, and are safe. Jany, Antonio and Tashica are also safe. Personally, I think the horrible paint job that Tashica did should have put her in the bottom – instead of Jason. I could have dipped my butt in paint and done those walls more accurately than Tashica.
Anywhore, the bottom three are Jason, Jen, and Lonni - and Jen is sent home. Jen manages to lose despite competing against someone who didn’t finish, and against another person who thought unleavened bread and doggy treats would make a lovely room. I guess that’s what happens when you choose “real-life” over “television” … on a TELEVISION show…
This week was all about individuality – the designers will do their first individual “White Room” challenge. Although host Clive Pearse kept calling it the “White WALL Challenge”, which made me think they were decorating car tires…
The designers head over to a huge building at Paramount Studios and find their White Rooms (which contain a sofa, lamp, bookcase and side tables) and $1000 cash. They are delighted, until they find out the $1000 budget must be spent at the grocery store. I don’t know what their problem is - as a fat biatch, I would have been all kinds of happy – and my budget would have been as follows:
Decorative elements for the room: $200
Snacks: $800
They head over to a supermarket – and everyone lines up with their carts. Remember the old show Supermarket Sweep? That’s what it looked like - without the vaguely homosexual duos of same-sex "friends" (remember that?!?). I used to LOVE watching Supermarket Sweep for the women "roommates" who were both Police Officers and enjoyed softball - or the two men who were "best friends" and enjoyed "musical theater"...
Anywhoo - one hour of shopping begins. As they shop, various designers discuss their ideas. Torrie wants to do a teen-centric room – although she is grabbing black trash bags. This brings back memories of that mess of a dress Stella Zotis created on Project Runway with generic Hefty bags. Nathan wants to squirt milk on his walls – which seems new and innovative and vaguely sexual. Maybe the trash bags are to protect Torrie from Nathan’s squirting?
“Color Expert” Jen is banking on the colorful plastic packaging on Japanese noodles to give her room a “pop”. Lonni’s “pop” is going to come from clear plastic cups mounted to the wall – which is what she’s basing her whole design theme around. If Lonni filled up her cups with Nathan’s milk and THEN mounted them to the walls, she’d be a guaranteed winner ... at least in my book.
Jason’s design plan can be summed up into two distinct ideas: Matzo and Dog Food. My response to this can be summed up in three letters: W T F ???
Time is up and shopping is over. And in the dumbass move of the episode, Jen only spends $493 of her $1000 – because she “doesn’t know how” to spend $1000 at the grocery store. Where are her snacks?!? I HATE skinny bitches…
It’s time to get back to the White Rooms and begin working.
Nathan is doing an orange-slice chandelier to go with his milk-splattered walls (mmmm ... CREAMSICLE!). Dan’s room is a “deconstructed orchard” with wood and apple motifs. And Jen is gutting the teddy bears she purchased and is moaning “BRAINS!”. Yeah, she’s gonna win…
Lonni and Tashica are having problems. Tashica is trying to
Day One is over, and Day Two begins. They will have five hours to finish. Clive stops by for a visit.
Jen tells Clive that her room is “Japanese-Eco inspired”. Clive asked her about color (after all, she is the color expert) and Jen says she’s been having trouble reconciling “real-life color” and “television color”. I don’t know what the problem is, she’s competing for a TELEVISION show, after all. Some supermarket-purchased snacks might have made her smarter.
Clive begins his visit to Nathan by saying “I hate to interrupt your squirting” … no comment. Clive interrupts Tashica as she wads up a roll of toilet paper in her “Garden of Eden” room. Tashica’s “Garden of Eden” looks more like “Garden State Parkway Rest Stop Men's Room” with all that toilet paper.
We’re getting down to the last few minutes, and Lonni has finally decided that maybe the “sticking plastic cups to the wall even though they’ve been falling down since MINUTE ONE” idea may not work. Ya THINK?!? She basically has 20 minutes to come up with something else – and Antonio and Torrie come over to give her a hand.
Nate spends his last few minutes writing a “train of thought” stream of graffiti on his couch. Here is a little of what he wrote:
OMG I’m so gonna win this challenge with my freshly squirted walls the rest of these people suck except for Dan who I think is totally hot OMG what is that heinous room that Jen is putting together with the murdered teddy bears and the Ramen Noodle wrappers and the chocolate milk WTF Wait I better suck up to the judges now I love Candice I love Genevieve I want to make small but stylish babies with Vern Yip …
Time is up - and the judging begins.
The judges likee:
Nathan. His freshly-squirted-upon walls look fantastic – as does his orange slice chandelier. The suck-up comments to the judges on the couch also help…
Torrie. I have to admit, when I saw her grabbing black trash bags, I was skeptical. But the judges likee her youthful room…
And, finally, Dan’s “orchard”. OMG – this room was fantastic. Vern totally “got wood” when he saw it – and I think Candice and Genevieve did also. One of the best rooms EVER, in the history of the show…
And now for the fugly. The judges no likee Jason’s Alpo and Matzo extravaganza – mostly for the lack of color…
Lonni’s unfinished room was also a problem – although she and her teammates pulled something together…
Normally the person who doesn’t finish goes home. That is, unless they are up against someone who decided to create a Crack Den from the slums of Uglytown, like Jen…
OMG. Seriously, I am convinced that Jen only spent $493 on grocery store items so she could purchase $507 worth of heroin. Because she HAD to be high to think that room looked decent. Remember children – drugs are bad, mkay?!?
Time for results. Dan, Torrie and Nate are the best this week, and are safe. Jany, Antonio and Tashica are also safe. Personally, I think the horrible paint job that Tashica did should have put her in the bottom – instead of Jason. I could have dipped my butt in paint and done those walls more accurately than Tashica.
Anywhore, the bottom three are Jason, Jen, and Lonni - and Jen is sent home. Jen manages to lose despite competing against someone who didn’t finish, and against another person who thought unleavened bread and doggy treats would make a lovely room. I guess that’s what happens when you choose “real-life” over “television” … on a TELEVISION show…
Next week, the Designtestants will turn Garages into new rooms.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Design Star - Tonight
Design Star airs on HGTV tonight at 10 pm EST - and I should have some kind of recap posted by tomorrow afternoon. If you missed my last recap, you can check it out HERE.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Design Star Episode Two - "I Need A Hug!"
Ok people, this is going to be (relatively) short and sweet. Even though last night’s episode of Design Star was the dreaded Kitchen Challenge®, there was surprisingly little drama. So let's get going...
It’s morning in Hollyweird, and Clive informs the Designtestants that they’ll be splitting into two teams. Amy (random white girl), and Nathan (no longer “ambiguously gay” – now “gay gay gay!”) pick the paint cans with the gold stars and will be the Team Leaders.
The Team Leaders get to pick their teammates “playground style”. FYI: “playground style” does NOT mean they get to throw a big rubber ball at people’s faces. That is called “dodgeball”, the game that has given little gay boys nightmares since the invention of school recess. They didn't call it "Smear The Queer" for nothing...
Amy gets first pick but passes over Antonio (who has madd carpentry skillz) and picks Dan (who is also gay, gay gay). Amy then picks Jany (who?), Lonni (yet another random white girl), and Tashica – who almost got sent home last week. For now, let’s call them Team Four Gals And A Gay.
Nate’s team consists of Antonio, Jen (the fancy “Color Designer”), TresGay Jason, and Torie – who gets picked last. Let’s call them Team Two Gays One Gal And Tattoos.
After teams are selected, Clive informs the designers that they will be doing kitchens this week. Eyes roll and people start getting nervous. They will have $20,000 plus appliances from Sears and flooring from Lumber Liquidators to get the job done.
Each team goes out to meet the family and see their spaces. Team Two Gays, Etc. meets the Boucher family. The Bouchers like Moroccan and Italian themes and they spend a lot of time in their kitchen. Team Four Gals, Etc. meets the Johnson family – who likes to entertain in their kitchen and would like a place for their wine collection.
Time begins, and the teams get busy. On Team Amy, Dan – who seems like a really nice guy – can’t help but get frustrated with Tashica’s well-intentioned dumbassery. The very first thing Tashica does is drop the families’ wine while trying to clear the kitchen. Dan remarks later that “Tashica is … AGHHHHHHHH!”. That’s nice gay guy code for “I would like to cut her, if you don’t mind”.
Various members of various teams go cabinet shopping (team "leader" Amy had a hard time deciding what to pick), and go to Sears to pick out appliances. Back at the homes, the remaining designers demolish the two kitchens to make way for all the new stuff. Uber-Gay Jason, in particular, seems to LOVE swinging that sledge hammer and destroying the old kitchen. Working out some past dodgeball-related issues, perhaps?!?
Amy and Jany return from cabinet shopping, and it soon becomes apparent that Amy is an emotional wreck. It fact, poor Dan has to give her a hug approximately every fifteen minutes just to keep her from throwing herself onto a circular saw. If Dan wasn’t gay before, he is certainly a non-woman-loving Queen now. Day 1 is now over.
The next day begins, and Nate and Antonio butt heads regarding their kitchen design. Antonio calls Nathan a “sweet dude” but he’s “clueless”. Translation: “That little Queen is on my last tattooed nerve and I will squash him like a gay ladybug (redundant?) if he gets in my way”.
Over at Team I Need A Hug, poor Dan is doing all the heavy lifting. Amy and Tashica finally screw in ONE screw, and erupt into a chorus of squeals and high fives. Patient Dan congratulates them on their successful screwing, but then shows them how uneven their countertop is. The squealing and high-fiving quickly ends – as does their screwing.
Jany (for Team Estrogen) and Torie (for Team Gay Estrogen Plus Antonio) go shopping for backsplashes. Torie selects a metallic vinyl floor tile that should look great and will be easy to install. Jany, who obviously never watched Design Star before, decides to do a TILE backsplash. Tile backsplashes on Design Star is the equivalent of menswear on Project Runway and/or dessert on Top Chef – they should be avoided at all cost.
The Gays from Team Nathan (Nate and Gayson) decide that they will do what Gays do - go shopping – instead of installing the microwave like they were supposed to. Let that big, burly Antonio take care of the microwave, these boys have tchotchkes to shop for! After all, gayshopping is …
When the Gays finally return, loaded up with decorative loaves of bread, Moroccan vases, and a Buddha (?) – Antonio is mad. Even Gayson’s cheerful “Hey Girl, Hey!!” doesn’t cut the tension. Antonio is pissed that the Gays couldn’t install the microwave – and left it for him to do. Tough titties, Straighty – when The Mall calls, the Gays must answer.
Over at Team Dan Hates Women, they have sent Tashica shopping for accessories. Certainly she can’t screw that up, can she? Tashica leisurely does her thing, and then panics when she finds out that she's behind schedule. Yep, she screwed it up. Day 2 ends.
That evening, back at Casa de Design, Antonio remarks that even though he must work with compulsive shopper Gays, he’s glad he’s not on the other team. “They’re too busy holding hands and loving each other”, he says. Antonio must have missed the fact that sweet Dan would like to "accidentally" run a powerdrill between Tashica’s eyeballs.
It’s now the final day – Day 3 – and they have four hours to pull their kitchens together. Over at Team They’re So Gonna Win, Jason needs to mount the “under-counter piece” (AKA “Nathan”) and Torie is kicking ass on the gorgeous backsplash. They are so far ahead of the game, that Antonio has time to vacuum out the kitchen cabinet drawers.
Over at Team I Need A Hug, there are big problems – and no one has time to vacuum any drawers. The counter measurements weren’t quite right, so the granite countertops have seams. And in the non-surprise of the century, Jany can’t get the tile backsplash finished. I’m not sure what Tashica did, but she certainly didn’t get any of her accessories into the room. Amy, unsurprisingly, begins to cry and needs a hug. Go Team Needy!
It’s time for Elimination. The Judges are introduced: Candice Olsen, Vern Yip, and Genevieve Gorder. Side note: HGTV, who I follow onTwatter Twitter, tweeted last night that Vern has to sit on a “sand bag” at the Judge’s table because Candice is 6’ 1”, Genevieve is 5’11” and Vern is only 5’6”. Here is an actual picture of Candice and Vern together ...
Anywhore, the Judges take a look at Team Nathan (Nate, Antonio, Jen, Jason, and Torie). First of all, the room is FINISHED – which is historically 90% of the battle during the Kitchen Challenge. And they love Torie’s backsplash. However, the Judges pretend that Team Nathan might actually lose because they don’t like the color of the room or the choice of accessories. Cough, cough, BULLSHIT, cough, hack, cough. Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat. Besides, the homeowners LOVED it.
It’s time to judge Team Trainwreck (Amy, Dan, Jany, Lonni, Tashica). Team Leader Amy explains that they were going for “Warm Modernism”. What they ended up with was “Death Warmed Over”. As they watched the video (showing broken glass, unfinished granite seams, and no backsplash), the Judges looked like they all of sudden had a bad case of the farts...
Sorry, wrong judges. Anywhoo - Vern remarks that it looked like an earthquake hit the room. Candice asked them if they had ever watched Design Star before – “tile” is a “four-letter word”, she explains. And so are “dumb” and “crap” and “FAIL” – all words that could be used to describe this team’s performance. They show the homeowners – who seem to like their kitchen but they definitely notice the flaws. Clive remarks that a “Fix-It Team” was sent in the finish what they couldn’t. BTW - I need a "Fix-It Team" to come to my apartment and do all the laundry I failed to do over the weekend.
The Judges ask each member of who the weakest link was – and everyone says “Tashica”. Tashica thinks that Team Leader Amy was the weakest link, because of her constant tears and need of hugs.
Results time. Dan and Antonio were the defacto leaders of their teams and are safe. Torie, Jason, Lonni, and Jany are also safe. I’m not sure why Jany is safe, since she was the brainiac who insisted on a tile backsplash that never got finished. Jen (the “Color Designer” who has screwed up her colors for two weeks) is also safe, as is Nathan.
Finally, it comes down to TeamNeeder Leader Amy, and Tashica. The Judges decide that Amy should go home for her lack of leadership. When Tashica enters the waiting room, the other Designers’ mouths drop. Even Tashica can’t believe she survived again. I guess being needy is worse than being a clumsy dumbass.
Next week: Design Star channels Project Runway by forcing the Designtestants to shop at the Grocery Store. I predict woven corn stalk quilts and licorice cabinet handles. To read my recap of last week's show, click HERE.
It’s morning in Hollyweird, and Clive informs the Designtestants that they’ll be splitting into two teams. Amy (random white girl), and Nathan (no longer “ambiguously gay” – now “gay gay gay!”) pick the paint cans with the gold stars and will be the Team Leaders.
The Team Leaders get to pick their teammates “playground style”. FYI: “playground style” does NOT mean they get to throw a big rubber ball at people’s faces. That is called “dodgeball”, the game that has given little gay boys nightmares since the invention of school recess. They didn't call it "Smear The Queer" for nothing...
Amy gets first pick but passes over Antonio (who has madd carpentry skillz) and picks Dan (who is also gay, gay gay). Amy then picks Jany (who?), Lonni (yet another random white girl), and Tashica – who almost got sent home last week. For now, let’s call them Team Four Gals And A Gay.
Nate’s team consists of Antonio, Jen (the fancy “Color Designer”), TresGay Jason, and Torie – who gets picked last. Let’s call them Team Two Gays One Gal And Tattoos.
After teams are selected, Clive informs the designers that they will be doing kitchens this week. Eyes roll and people start getting nervous. They will have $20,000 plus appliances from Sears and flooring from Lumber Liquidators to get the job done.
Each team goes out to meet the family and see their spaces. Team Two Gays, Etc. meets the Boucher family. The Bouchers like Moroccan and Italian themes and they spend a lot of time in their kitchen. Team Four Gals, Etc. meets the Johnson family – who likes to entertain in their kitchen and would like a place for their wine collection.
Time begins, and the teams get busy. On Team Amy, Dan – who seems like a really nice guy – can’t help but get frustrated with Tashica’s well-intentioned dumbassery. The very first thing Tashica does is drop the families’ wine while trying to clear the kitchen. Dan remarks later that “Tashica is … AGHHHHHHHH!”. That’s nice gay guy code for “I would like to cut her, if you don’t mind”.
Various members of various teams go cabinet shopping (team "leader" Amy had a hard time deciding what to pick), and go to Sears to pick out appliances. Back at the homes, the remaining designers demolish the two kitchens to make way for all the new stuff. Uber-Gay Jason, in particular, seems to LOVE swinging that sledge hammer and destroying the old kitchen. Working out some past dodgeball-related issues, perhaps?!?
Amy and Jany return from cabinet shopping, and it soon becomes apparent that Amy is an emotional wreck. It fact, poor Dan has to give her a hug approximately every fifteen minutes just to keep her from throwing herself onto a circular saw. If Dan wasn’t gay before, he is certainly a non-woman-loving Queen now. Day 1 is now over.
The next day begins, and Nate and Antonio butt heads regarding their kitchen design. Antonio calls Nathan a “sweet dude” but he’s “clueless”. Translation: “That little Queen is on my last tattooed nerve and I will squash him like a gay ladybug (redundant?) if he gets in my way”.
Over at Team I Need A Hug, poor Dan is doing all the heavy lifting. Amy and Tashica finally screw in ONE screw, and erupt into a chorus of squeals and high fives. Patient Dan congratulates them on their successful screwing, but then shows them how uneven their countertop is. The squealing and high-fiving quickly ends – as does their screwing.
Jany (for Team Estrogen) and Torie (for Team Gay Estrogen Plus Antonio) go shopping for backsplashes. Torie selects a metallic vinyl floor tile that should look great and will be easy to install. Jany, who obviously never watched Design Star before, decides to do a TILE backsplash. Tile backsplashes on Design Star is the equivalent of menswear on Project Runway and/or dessert on Top Chef – they should be avoided at all cost.
The Gays from Team Nathan (Nate and Gayson) decide that they will do what Gays do - go shopping – instead of installing the microwave like they were supposed to. Let that big, burly Antonio take care of the microwave, these boys have tchotchkes to shop for! After all, gayshopping is …
When the Gays finally return, loaded up with decorative loaves of bread, Moroccan vases, and a Buddha (?) – Antonio is mad. Even Gayson’s cheerful “Hey Girl, Hey!!” doesn’t cut the tension. Antonio is pissed that the Gays couldn’t install the microwave – and left it for him to do. Tough titties, Straighty – when The Mall calls, the Gays must answer.
Over at Team Dan Hates Women, they have sent Tashica shopping for accessories. Certainly she can’t screw that up, can she? Tashica leisurely does her thing, and then panics when she finds out that she's behind schedule. Yep, she screwed it up. Day 2 ends.
That evening, back at Casa de Design, Antonio remarks that even though he must work with compulsive shopper Gays, he’s glad he’s not on the other team. “They’re too busy holding hands and loving each other”, he says. Antonio must have missed the fact that sweet Dan would like to "accidentally" run a powerdrill between Tashica’s eyeballs.
It’s now the final day – Day 3 – and they have four hours to pull their kitchens together. Over at Team They’re So Gonna Win, Jason needs to mount the “under-counter piece” (AKA “Nathan”) and Torie is kicking ass on the gorgeous backsplash. They are so far ahead of the game, that Antonio has time to vacuum out the kitchen cabinet drawers.
Over at Team I Need A Hug, there are big problems – and no one has time to vacuum any drawers. The counter measurements weren’t quite right, so the granite countertops have seams. And in the non-surprise of the century, Jany can’t get the tile backsplash finished. I’m not sure what Tashica did, but she certainly didn’t get any of her accessories into the room. Amy, unsurprisingly, begins to cry and needs a hug. Go Team Needy!
It’s time for Elimination. The Judges are introduced: Candice Olsen, Vern Yip, and Genevieve Gorder. Side note: HGTV, who I follow on
Anywhore, the Judges take a look at Team Nathan (Nate, Antonio, Jen, Jason, and Torie). First of all, the room is FINISHED – which is historically 90% of the battle during the Kitchen Challenge. And they love Torie’s backsplash. However, the Judges pretend that Team Nathan might actually lose because they don’t like the color of the room or the choice of accessories. Cough, cough, BULLSHIT, cough, hack, cough. Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat. Besides, the homeowners LOVED it.
It’s time to judge Team Trainwreck (Amy, Dan, Jany, Lonni, Tashica). Team Leader Amy explains that they were going for “Warm Modernism”. What they ended up with was “Death Warmed Over”. As they watched the video (showing broken glass, unfinished granite seams, and no backsplash), the Judges looked like they all of sudden had a bad case of the farts...
Sorry, wrong judges. Anywhoo - Vern remarks that it looked like an earthquake hit the room. Candice asked them if they had ever watched Design Star before – “tile” is a “four-letter word”, she explains. And so are “dumb” and “crap” and “FAIL” – all words that could be used to describe this team’s performance. They show the homeowners – who seem to like their kitchen but they definitely notice the flaws. Clive remarks that a “Fix-It Team” was sent in the finish what they couldn’t. BTW - I need a "Fix-It Team" to come to my apartment and do all the laundry I failed to do over the weekend.
The Judges ask each member of who the weakest link was – and everyone says “Tashica”. Tashica thinks that Team Leader Amy was the weakest link, because of her constant tears and need of hugs.
Results time. Dan and Antonio were the defacto leaders of their teams and are safe. Torie, Jason, Lonni, and Jany are also safe. I’m not sure why Jany is safe, since she was the brainiac who insisted on a tile backsplash that never got finished. Jen (the “Color Designer” who has screwed up her colors for two weeks) is also safe, as is Nathan.
Finally, it comes down to Team
Next week: Design Star channels Project Runway by forcing the Designtestants to shop at the Grocery Store. I predict woven corn stalk quilts and licorice cabinet handles. To read my recap of last week's show, click HERE.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
HGTV's Design Star - Kitchen Challenge Tonight
Don't forget - Design Star airs on HGTV tonight at 10pm (EST). Tonight is the always-dramatic KITCHEN CHALLENGE. I'll try to have a little recap posted sometime tomorrow. Check out my recap of last week's show HERE.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Design Star Episode One - Don't Forget To Eat!
It's time for another season of Design Star - the reality competition show about Interior Decorating with an alarming lack of flaming homosexuality. Don't worry, I’ll try to "gay it up" enough to make it acceptable to you - my lovely readers.
This year, Design Star is based in Hollywood, and last night we met the "Desecrators" one-by-one. After ten people arrive at a gorgeous Hollywood home, host Clive Pearse greets everyone and explains that the Designtestants themselves will be selecting the 11th cast member - out of three possible finalists.
The three hopefuls are asked questions from the Designtestants, and each potential cast member talks about their "can-do" attitudes and their "bag of tricks". My question would have been simple: "Which one of you has no talent and doesn't snore?". Seems like a no-brainer to me. Tori, the chick from Houston, is selected as the 11th contestant (because she has no talent and doesn’t snore?) - and the competition begins.
Clive reminds the Designtestants that they’ll be competing for their own show on HGTV. For some reason, this prospect absolutely THRILLS them. Clive also tells them of some changes for this season – HGTV stars Candice Olsen and Genevieve Gorder will be joining Vern Yip as Judges. Considering I can’t remember who Candice and Genevieve replaced, this is probably a good move.
The other big change this season will be that the JUDGES (not the public) will select the winner this year.
Clive informs the Designtestants that the home they are standing in will be where they'll work and live this season – and the first challenge will be to furnish/decorate three bedrooms, the living room, and the dining room. They will have 32 hours spread out over 4 days to complete their tasks – and they have $50,000 to get the job done. They discuss amongst themselves and divvy up the rooms, tasks and money.
Here is how it shakes down.
Dining Room: Dan (cute) and Nate (kinda cute). Considering the fact that these guys are decorators, there’s a good chance one or both of them is gay. But in true HGTV Design Star fashion, we’re not 100% sure – and nobody talks about it (remember Mikey V from last season?!?). So this seems like the perfect time to gay things up a little bit …
Clive reminds the Designtestants that they’ll be competing for their own show on HGTV. For some reason, this prospect absolutely THRILLS them. Clive also tells them of some changes for this season – HGTV stars Candice Olsen and Genevieve Gorder will be joining Vern Yip as Judges. Considering I can’t remember who Candice and Genevieve replaced, this is probably a good move.
The other big change this season will be that the JUDGES (not the public) will select the winner this year.
Clive informs the Designtestants that the home they are standing in will be where they'll work and live this season – and the first challenge will be to furnish/decorate three bedrooms, the living room, and the dining room. They will have 32 hours spread out over 4 days to complete their tasks – and they have $50,000 to get the job done. They discuss amongst themselves and divvy up the rooms, tasks and money.
Here is how it shakes down.
Dining Room: Dan (cute) and Nate (kinda cute). Considering the fact that these guys are decorators, there’s a good chance one or both of them is gay. But in true HGTV Design Star fashion, we’re not 100% sure – and nobody talks about it (remember Mikey V from last season?!?). So this seems like the perfect time to gay things up a little bit …
That outta do the trick.
Master Bedroom: Tashica and NataLee. They are VERY “high energy” and do a lot of high-fiving.
Living Room: It is huge, so three people will work on it. First of all, we have Antonio who is obviously straight – I’ll try not to it hold against him – and obviously loves going to the Tattoo Parlor. Next is Amy – who comes from a long tradition of bland reality TV white girls who I can’t tell apart. And finally we have Lonni, who immediately states that she owns her own design firm and “has people” to do all the physical stuff for her. Yeah, she’s THAT biatch.
Bedroom #2: Jason and Jen. As they are checking out the room and discussing what to do, Jason gives us our first gay “fabulous”.
No that’s not his picture, but Jason is just as gay as that (if not more so). One problem: I could have sworn that Jason entered the house wearing a Member’s Only Jacket. I’m sorry Gayson, but the only person who correctly rocks the M.O. is Rosario from Will & Grace…
Finally, Bedroom #3 features Jany and Tori. These two are so memorable that I’ve already forgotten who they were or what they look like. I hope they don’t win so I don’t have to figure it out.
Money is distributed based on square footage, and the partners start discussing their ideas. Tattooed Antonio mentions painting something pink for the living room, while Lonnie gives him the disapproving side-eye. Tashica and NataLee do a lot of high-fiving, but don’t seem to get much else done. The Ambiguously Gay Duo (Dan and Nate) seem to have their act together and are working well together.
Day One is over, and Day Two begins. In the Living Room, the gals go shopping, leaving Antonio to paint. Design Firm Owner (and physical labor hater) Lonni remarks that “Amy and I are the Shoppers, and Antonio is the hired help”. She’s getting him confused with all the “Antonio’s” she’s picked up in the Home Depot parking lot to remove drywall and mow her yard. When the “Shoppers” return, Lonni and Antonio butt heads over how to hang wallpaper. “You wanna do it?”, Antonio keeps asking. I think we all know the answer to that question is a stank “No, thank you”.
Ambiguously Gay Dan is MAKING his own dining room table – without the help of anyone named “Antonio” (note to Lonni – it CAN be done). Tashica and NataLee continue to high-five in the Master Bedroom – but not much else. And Gayson and Jen (who is one of only 150 “Color Designers” in the US – smell huh!) are tongue-kissing faux wooden taxidermy heads for some reason.
Day Two is over, and Day Three begins. Antonio would like to paint some wooden ducks for the Living Room wall a bright pink. Again with the pink! Are we SURE he’s straight? And again, Lonni gives him the disapproving sideways stank eye.
Over in the Master Bedroom, all that high-fiving has finally taken its toll on Natalee – who almost passes out at the end of the day. She feels “physically drained”, but the bottom line is the fact that the skinny biatch didn’t eat. For long-time DavidDust readers, you know how I feel about people who skip meals – especially those skinny Ho’s who “forget” to eat.
Finally, it’s Day Four. The Designtestants will have 2 hours to finish up. Everything seems to come together nicely, EXCEPT for in the Master Bedroom. NataLee is feeling better, but she and Tashica have spent the entire four days high-fiving and sloppily taping floors, and now they only have a couple of hours to pull it together. BTW, they’re idea of “pulling it together” is duct-taping fabric onto the headboards, ripping duvets in half (they couldn’t find twin size), and TAPING curtains to the ceiling. Vern Yip will certainly NOT forget to eat them for breakfast…
Speaking of Vern, it’s time for the judging. First up is the Living Room and the Ambiguously Gay (and vaguely cute) Dan and Nate. The judges likee the contrast of the bold wall/floor mural with the plain wooden planks.
Next up is the hot mess of a Master Bedroom. Vern wanted to know if they spent all the money and Candice is embarrassed for them. They reply that they had grand plans, but didn’t have enough time to execute said plans because it takes a lot of time and energy to high-five every ten seconds.
They discuss Bedroom Two next. Gayson and Jen explain that their inspirations was “A Writer for National Geographic who was a collector” – which literally makes Vern LOL. “We stepped out of the box”, Gayson tries to explain, to which Vern replies “WAY out!”. The High Five Sisters may have been just been saved by overpriced Astroturf and wrong-sized chairs. But seriously, I don’t think even HGTV would send home the only obvious Queen during Week One. And btw, Jason used one of those uber-gay words while talking to the judges … “cocktail”. Ladies, if your husband refers to drinky-drinks as “cocktails”, you may want to check his credit card statement for any charges from Manhunt.net. Just saying.
Next we have Bedroom Three. The judges think it’s kinda “blah”, but at least the curtains aren’t taped to the ceiling.
Finally, the Judges discuss the Living Room. Vern immediately wants to know who painted the wooden ducks pink, and Lonni is READY to throw Manual Laborer Antonio under the bus. Antonio admits it was his idea to pinken the ducks – to which Vern responds that it was an EXCELLENT idea. Lonni’s expression is now a JEALOUS sidestankeye.
The Designtestants go backstage to await the judging. After the Judges discuss, the designers are called back out, and the results are announced…
Teams Living Room (Antonio, Lonni, Some White Girl) and Dining Room (the maybe-gays) were the best this week – and are safe. Team Bedroom Three (Torie and Jany – whoever THEY are) are also safe.
This leaves Gay Jason, Color Designer Jen, and the High Fivers – Tashica and NataLee. In the end, malnourished Natalee’s show is cancelled and the rest are safe. Now go eat a cheeseburger NataLee, and stop bitching about feeling sick…
Next week … kitchens are destroyed.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Don't Forget: Design Star This Sunday
Design Star premiers this Sunday (July 19) at 10 pm (EST) on HGTV. I hope they'll be a cutie or two this season, but no one could compare to the incredibly hot (and incredibly nice) Mikey V...
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
From The Mailbag...
Happy Birthday to Kayce AKA Chef the City. Her birthday was Sunday – and yesterday’s Ryan Lochte post was in honor of her - even if she DID email me the details of her recent meal at ARBY'S! Taunting me like that is just mean... :)
Speaking of birthdays, still no word from yesterday’s birthday boy Dan. His good friend Jimbo was supposed to keep us informed, and yet we get NOTHING. Thanks a lot guys… :) Anywhoo – I hope Dan is having fun, wherever he is.
My darling Jennie is close to 500 posts at her blog: Preteens, Toddlers, and Newborns OH MY! In honor of this milestone, she’s giving away tons of free crap (well, not really CRAP – good stuff!). So go visit her blog, make a comment, tell her how funny and fierce she is, and maybe you’ll get some crap, er… NAIL POLISH.
Top Design (Bravo’s answer to HGTV’s Design Star) will take the Top Haircut/Shear Genius spot on Wednesday’s at 10:00 pm after the Shear Genius finale. Our darling friend Laura K sent us over a preview of one of the hot designtestants – Preston Lee. Thanks Laura!!
Speaking of birthdays, still no word from yesterday’s birthday boy Dan. His good friend Jimbo was supposed to keep us informed, and yet we get NOTHING. Thanks a lot guys… :) Anywhoo – I hope Dan is having fun, wherever he is.
My darling Jennie is close to 500 posts at her blog: Preteens, Toddlers, and Newborns OH MY! In honor of this milestone, she’s giving away tons of free crap (well, not really CRAP – good stuff!). So go visit her blog, make a comment, tell her how funny and fierce she is, and maybe you’ll get some crap, er… NAIL POLISH.
Top Design (Bravo’s answer to HGTV’s Design Star) will take the Top Haircut/Shear Genius spot on Wednesday’s at 10:00 pm after the Shear Genius finale. Our darling friend Laura K sent us over a preview of one of the hot designtestants – Preston Lee. Thanks Laura!!
Speaking of Shear Genius (and Laura K) – I will be sharing some exiting news with you all very soon - STAY TUNED!
And speaking of Design Star – Mikey V sat down with AfterElton after he spoke to us. It seems that Mikey and HGTV still aren’t seeing eye-to-eye - read it here.
If you have anything you'd like to share, send me an email at daviddust@gmail.com.
XOXOXO
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Design Star - BREAKING NEWS!
They are talking shit about me on the message boards at HGTV.com!!!! Apparently, a fan of my recaps posted a link to my latest Design Star writeup. And then the shit hit the fan - people started calling me mean, racist, HOMOPHOBIC (happy Gay Pride, you stank bitches!), and WORST OF ALL - UNFUNNY!!! Hey, I can handle homophobic and mean - but UNFUNNY?!? How dare you!!! I put a good 20 minutes into that last recap. It was practically a masterpiece!
Check out the message boards here. You have to be registered to comment - and apparently if you use certain tagged words, your comment must be approved by a moderator. When I commented, I got tagged and have yet to be approved.
UPDATE: The comment police over at HGTV have taken down the entire thread. What a bunch of uptight bitches!
But, Darling Dust Bunnies, I have EVEN BIGGER NEWS. Yes my dears, it's a Gay Pride Miracle! As a result of my notoriety on the message boards, someone sent me some pretty good inside information....
Sexy Daddy MIKEY V. IS GAY!!!!!!
But, Darling Dust Bunnies, I have EVEN BIGGER NEWS. Yes my dears, it's a Gay Pride Miracle! As a result of my notoriety on the message boards, someone sent me some pretty good inside information....
Sexy Daddy MIKEY V. IS GAY!!!!!!
Now I don't know if the person who sent me this information was trying to smear Mikey's name, but they should know that around here, being gay is GOOD THING. This, my friend, is most welcome news indeed.
Check out this article about some trouble that Mikey V. got into. My tipster also said Mikey and his man are registered as domestic partners in Broward County, Florida. I couldn't dig up any kind of confirmation of this, however.
So to Mikey V. I say - HAPPY GAY PRIDE, DADDY. And have I got a "project" for you...
Look for my Design Star mini-recap tomorrow afternoon.
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