Monday, July 27, 2009

Design Star Episode Two - "I Need A Hug!"

Ok people, this is going to be (relatively) short and sweet. Even though last night’s episode of Design Star was the dreaded Kitchen Challenge®, there was surprisingly little drama. So let's get going...

It’s morning in Hollyweird, and Clive informs the Designtestants that they’ll be splitting into two teams. Amy (random white girl), and Nathan (no longer “ambiguously gay” – now “gay gay gay!”) pick the paint cans with the gold stars and will be the Team Leaders.

The Team Leaders get to pick their teammates “playground style”. FYI: “playground style” does NOT mean they get to throw a big rubber ball at people’s faces. That is called “dodgeball”, the game that has given little gay boys nightmares since the invention of school recess. They didn't call it "Smear The Queer" for nothing...

Amy gets first pick but passes over Antonio (who has madd carpentry skillz) and picks Dan (who is also gay, gay gay). Amy then picks Jany (who?), Lonni (yet another random white girl), and Tashica – who almost got sent home last week. For now, let’s call them Team Four Gals And A Gay.

Nate’s team consists of Antonio, Jen (the fancy “Color Designer”), TresGay Jason, and Torie – who gets picked last. Let’s call them Team Two Gays One Gal And Tattoos.

After teams are selected, Clive informs the designers that they will be doing kitchens this week. Eyes roll and people start getting nervous. They will have $20,000 plus appliances from Sears and flooring from Lumber Liquidators to get the job done.

Each team goes out to meet the family and see their spaces. Team Two Gays, Etc. meets the Boucher family. The Bouchers like Moroccan and Italian themes and they spend a lot of time in their kitchen. Team Four Gals, Etc. meets the Johnson family – who likes to entertain in their kitchen and would like a place for their wine collection.

Time begins, and the teams get busy. On Team Amy, Dan – who seems like a really nice guy – can’t help but get frustrated with Tashica’s well-intentioned dumbassery. The very first thing Tashica does is drop the families’ wine while trying to clear the kitchen. Dan remarks later that “Tashica is … AGHHHHHHHH!”. That’s nice gay guy code for “I would like to cut her, if you don’t mind”.

Various members of various teams go cabinet shopping (team "leader" Amy had a hard time deciding what to pick), and go to Sears to pick out appliances. Back at the homes, the remaining designers demolish the two kitchens to make way for all the new stuff. Uber-Gay Jason, in particular, seems to LOVE swinging that sledge hammer and destroying the old kitchen. Working out some past dodgeball-related issues, perhaps?!?

Amy and Jany return from cabinet shopping, and it soon becomes apparent that Amy is an emotional wreck. It fact, poor Dan has to give her a hug approximately every fifteen minutes just to keep her from throwing herself onto a circular saw. If Dan wasn’t gay before, he is certainly a non-woman-loving Queen now. Day 1 is now over.

The next day begins, and Nate and Antonio butt heads regarding their kitchen design. Antonio calls Nathan a “sweet dude” but he’s “clueless”. Translation: “That little Queen is on my last tattooed nerve and I will squash him like a gay ladybug (redundant?) if he gets in my way”.

Over at Team I Need A Hug, poor Dan is doing all the heavy lifting. Amy and Tashica finally screw in ONE screw, and erupt into a chorus of squeals and high fives. Patient Dan congratulates them on their successful screwing, but then shows them how uneven their countertop is. The squealing and high-fiving quickly ends – as does their screwing.

Jany (for Team Estrogen) and Torie (for Team Gay Estrogen Plus Antonio) go shopping for backsplashes. Torie selects a metallic vinyl floor tile that should look great and will be easy to install. Jany, who obviously never watched Design Star before, decides to do a TILE backsplash. Tile backsplashes on Design Star is the equivalent of menswear on Project Runway and/or dessert on Top Chef – they should be avoided at all cost.

The Gays from Team Nathan (Nate and Gayson) decide that they will do what Gays do - go shopping – instead of installing the microwave like they were supposed to. Let that big, burly Antonio take care of the microwave, these boys have tchotchkes to shop for! After all, gayshopping is …

When the Gays finally return, loaded up with decorative loaves of bread, Moroccan vases, and a Buddha (?) – Antonio is mad. Even Gayson’s cheerful “Hey Girl, Hey!!” doesn’t cut the tension. Antonio is pissed that the Gays couldn’t install the microwave – and left it for him to do. Tough titties, Straighty – when The Mall calls, the Gays must answer.

Over at Team Dan Hates Women, they have sent Tashica shopping for accessories. Certainly she can’t screw that up, can she? Tashica leisurely does her thing, and then panics when she finds out that she's behind schedule. Yep, she screwed it up. Day 2 ends.

That evening, back at Casa de Design, Antonio remarks that even though he must work with compulsive shopper Gays, he’s glad he’s not on the other team. “They’re too busy holding hands and loving each other”, he says. Antonio must have missed the fact that sweet Dan would like to "accidentally" run a powerdrill between Tashica’s eyeballs.

It’s now the final day – Day 3 – and they have four hours to pull their kitchens together. Over at Team They’re So Gonna Win, Jason needs to mount the “under-counter piece” (AKA “Nathan”) and Torie is kicking ass on the gorgeous backsplash. They are so far ahead of the game, that Antonio has time to vacuum out the kitchen cabinet drawers.

Over at Team I Need A Hug, there are big problems – and no one has time to vacuum any drawers. The counter measurements weren’t quite right, so the granite countertops have seams. And in the non-surprise of the century, Jany can’t get the tile backsplash finished. I’m not sure what Tashica did, but she certainly didn’t get any of her accessories into the room. Amy, unsurprisingly, begins to cry and needs a hug. Go Team Needy!

It’s time for Elimination. The Judges are introduced: Candice Olsen, Vern Yip, and Genevieve Gorder. Side note: HGTV, who I follow on Twatter Twitter, tweeted last night that Vern has to sit on a “sand bag” at the Judge’s table because Candice is 6’ 1”, Genevieve is 5’11” and Vern is only 5’6”. Here is an actual picture of Candice and Vern together ...

Anywhore, the Judges take a look at Team Nathan (Nate, Antonio, Jen, Jason, and Torie). First of all, the room is FINISHED – which is historically 90% of the battle during the Kitchen Challenge. And they love Torie’s backsplash. However, the Judges pretend that Team Nathan might actually lose because they don’t like the color of the room or the choice of accessories. Cough, cough, BULLSHIT, cough, hack, cough. Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat. Besides, the homeowners LOVED it.

It’s time to judge Team Trainwreck (Amy, Dan, Jany, Lonni, Tashica). Team Leader Amy explains that they were going for “Warm Modernism”. What they ended up with was “Death Warmed Over”. As they watched the video (showing broken glass, unfinished granite seams, and no backsplash), the Judges looked like they all of sudden had a bad case of the farts...

Sorry, wrong judges. Anywhoo - Vern remarks that it looked like an earthquake hit the room. Candice asked them if they had ever watched Design Star before – “tile” is a “four-letter word”, she explains. And so are “dumb” and “crap” and “FAIL” – all words that could be used to describe this team’s performance. They show the homeowners – who seem to like their kitchen but they definitely notice the flaws. Clive remarks that a “Fix-It Team” was sent in the finish what they couldn’t. BTW - I need a "Fix-It Team" to come to my apartment and do all the laundry I failed to do over the weekend.

The Judges ask each member of who the weakest link was – and everyone says “Tashica”. Tashica thinks that Team Leader Amy was the weakest link, because of her constant tears and need of hugs.

Results time. Dan and Antonio were the defacto leaders of their teams and are safe. Torie, Jason, Lonni, and Jany are also safe. I’m not sure why Jany is safe, since she was the brainiac who insisted on a tile backsplash that never got finished. Jen (the “Color Designer” who has screwed up her colors for two weeks) is also safe, as is Nathan.

Finally, it comes down to Team Needer Leader Amy, and Tashica. The Judges decide that Amy should go home for her lack of leadership. When Tashica enters the waiting room, the other Designers’ mouths drop. Even Tashica can’t believe she survived again. I guess being needy is worse than being a clumsy dumbass.

Next week: Design Star channels Project Runway by forcing the Designtestants to shop at the Grocery Store. I predict woven corn stalk quilts and licorice cabinet handles. To read my recap of last week's show, click HERE.


mikeinbama said...

Great recap! This episode was a BIG MESS. Soul sistah' should have went home last night.

Howard said...

Nicely done. I watched that mess last night, and it was B-O-R-I-N-G! And somehow, I managed to disagree with who the judges sent home! Also, Unless they left a whole lot on the editing room floor, I saw no reason to call Antonio the defacto team leader [was it his whining that he had no input on the design]? And Vern might be tiny, but he is quite adorable!

Bob said...

"Tile backsplashes on Design Star is the equivalent of menswear on Project Runway and/or dessert on Top Chef – they should be avoided at all cost."

This is Commandement One of Reality TV!

Deep Dish said...

I watched Design Star for the first time last night since it's been heavily promoted during The Next Food Network Star show--and I was underwhelmed. I found the building the new kitchen part interesting, but the elimination part of the show is very strange. The room and lighting reminds me of a game show, and I wasn't crazy about the host. Also, the three judges seem so disconnected from the rest of the show--unlike the Food Network show where you see the judges throughout the program. Maybe I just prefer food over design, but Design Star left me cold. I enjoyed reading your amusing synopsis, David, far more than watching the actual episode!

LesleySW said...

Love your recap. Really funny. And I hope this season gets better quick.

I'm eager for the individual challenges. They are much more interesting -- and telling!

Angela said...

Great recap! Those kitchens were so ugly...and what is up with the flower on every one of Tasheka's outfits?

Angela said...

Great recap! Those kitchens were so ugly...and what is up with the flower on every one of Tasheka's outfits?

frogponder said...

Loves the changing team names!
We are glad our PNW-er Dan is doing do well and admire him for his restraint in dealing with weepy women and delusional high 5-ing contestants. Grocery store for the white room??? That's all I'm going to think about when I go later in the week and I'll forget everything while I'm mulling over what I can find in the housewares aisle to decorate a room with... This does not bode well for Gorilla Boy who requires FOOD.

lady t said...

Nice recap,David-Torie was smart to use that coppery vinyl for the backsplash(tile is truly the kiss of death on any DS kitchen challenge)and Tashica's days are pretty numbered there,if you ask me.

No one seemed particularly happy when she came back into the Green room:( Maybe the white room challenge will prove her to be less of a ditz than she seems to be at the moment.

Jimbo said...

Awesome recap. Taziki should have gone home. She's a mess!

Joy said...

I almost didn't read this because my DVR messed up and didn't record it. (probably Bernice user error) But I couldn't wait because I love your recaps so much! Hilarious about the changing team names and descriptions! Now when I watch it, I'll think about your clever words. Sooooooo good!

Cuz_I'm_The_Mom said...

Tashica shoulda been put on skates and rolled on outta there but only because I wanted to see Amy's crush on Dan unfold into sexual frustration. (Y'all know I'm right. She's that girl. *SIGH*)
I'm with Deep Dish about the disconnection. The designtestants should have to design something alongside the judges somehow. Or for them. IDK.

I heart Genevieve and Candice.
Vern is a tool.
That is all.

Mark in DE said...

Even though the episode was relatively drama-free, your recap was great!

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