Thursday, July 30, 2009

My Big Ball Of Crazy

Dearest Dust Bunnies,

I know it’s been a while since I blogged about ME – and this has been purposeful. I have been trying to stay away from the bitching and moaning in an effort to give you a more enjoyable DavidDust experience. No one needs to hear about the Big Ball of Crazy I carry around while living my life.

But a few of you have emailed me to check in – wanting to know how I was doing. One of you even wrote that you liked the “Chubby Talk” (weigh-ins, etc) I used to do. So, for those of you who come to DavidDust strictly for entertainment purposes, you may want to go ahead and skip this post. Warning: SELF-INDULGENT WHINING AHEAD – and plenty of Chubby Talk.

So here it is - my Big Ball of Crazy…

As far as diet and exercise go, I’ve been doing HORRIBLY. I know many of you will say “OK, hit the reset button and get back on track!” – and I know that’s what I should do. But I don't do it – and I'm not sure why.

I actually have no motivation any more to lose weight – I’ve almost given up. So I eat. A lot. Sometimes abusively. And I’ve never been fatter. Motivations like “you’ll be healthier and feel better!” just don’t work for me - especially when stacked up against – “yeah, but a Big Mac would taste SO good and I’m really hungry!”.

I guess what it all boils down to is self-esteem – I have none. When I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see. Worse, I’m disgusted and ashamed by what I see – no exaggeration. And this influences everything I do and every thought in my head – ALL THE TIME. Furthermore – I am not one of those “I’m Big And Beautiful” people. That would require a level of self-esteem which I do not posses. And these negative feelings I have toward myself only make me want to eat more in an effort to “feel better”. Hello, Vicious Circle? My name is David - pleased to meet you.

My low self-esteem also affects the way I live my life. When I’m not at work I pretty much spend all of my time in my apartment – even on the weekends. And even though I live in Manhattan, I very rarely do anything other than go to work or run errands. I have no social or dating life whatsoever. And honestly, I don’t think at this point I want one – I just don’t feel up to it. When I get invited someplace, I usually don’t go – for fear of being the fattest Ho there. I know this is wrong (and ridiculous), but it is my truth.

You might not understand how I could be this way – but the (good) habits many of you display are equally foreign to ME. I don’t understand how people go to the gym regularly. I just don’t get it. There is absolutely nothing enjoyable about a trip to the gym for me. It’s like torture, and I try to avoid torture at all costs. So when I read about how many of you go to the gym regularly, my reaction is “WTF?”, the same way many of you are reacting right now while reading this. My brain knows that in the long term going to the gym is beneficial. But RIGHT NOW going to the gym will be horrible, and I like to avoid horrible when possible.

Furthermore, I have absolutely no self-control. None. One little slip on my diet, and it’s an excuse to stuff my face all day. Seriously, ONE onion ring on a Friday afternoon can start a weekend-long eating frenzy. And that’s not hypothetical – this has actually happened more than once. And after a binge, I literally have to throw the remaining “bad” food away if I want to get back on track. Because if it’s in my apartment, I will eat it.

I know I should talk to a professional about my Big Ball of Crazy. But I don’t think my insurance covers “insanity”, and I am too chickenshit to enter a doctor’s office anyway. I hate going to the doctor even more than going to the gym – especially when he’s going to bitch and moan about how fat I am. And Overeater’s Anonymous? Out of the question. It’s one thing to blog about my Big Ball of Crazy – but to actually discuss it in front of strangers? I don't think so...

Nothing has motivated me recently to change. Nothing. And I know some of you will leave encouraging and supportive comments, because you care about me. And you know what I’ll think to myself? … I’ll get a little bit angry. Not angry at you, but angry at myself for not sharing your positive feelings toward myself. I know – WTF?!? – bitch is KRAY-ZIE!!!

So, there it is ... my GIGANTIC Ball of Crazy. Aren't you glad you asked?!? :)

UPDATE: A few days after I posted this, I visited my doctor who prescribed me an antidepressant. After just a few days I am feeling SO much better, and my big ball of crazy seems to be getting smaller and smaller...


Anonymous said...

you have to talk to someone. see if the gay & lesbian center has free/low cost therapy services. this is so NOT about food. your behavior will follow your thoughts. if you have negative thoughts - you will have negative/harmful behavior.

good luck

miss alaineus said...


i stress eat, and i can honestly say for some of the things you mentioned i know how you feel after gaining a ton of weight when i was dealing with my grandma's illness and subsequent death. it's a constant struggle to not eat when i get scared, upset or to do all the rituals i have set up around eating and food in general.

i have used on-line support groups successfully because my cheap ass insurance wont pay for therapy. email me if you want a couple of good links.

i'm here if you need a sponsor, even if it's in onlne cheerleader format.


Psychomom said...

Oh baby, I hear you but you are so normal. We all have issues, try to just find it in your heart to forgive yourself and find what works for you. I love you and know you can do it.

Dwight Supremacy said...

Oh man! This sounds like you went on vacation inside my brain. But you were my initial motivation for getting back on the wagon … which I have done. So I do have you to thank for that. But I am a Gemini, so I also have that part of me with the good habits and who can like the gym. It is so hard to switch that part of me on though so I definitely understand. SO GOOD LUCK. I've been where you are with the binging, the self-hating, and next to no self-esteem. But it is possible, so take some of the hope you've seemed to give up back. One baby step at a time!

Anonymous said...

I understand sooooo much what you are saying and talking about. I only wish I had the guts to put it down in words as you, I guess, I am even weaker than you.
From this end, no words of encouragment just empathy.
LB Anon

Eric Arvin said...

Your Big Ball of Crazy and my Big Ball of Crazy should get together. I suspect they'd have a lot to talk about. I can totally empathize with many of the points you raise. Good on you for talking about it!

MCWolfe said...

Oh, David, your big ball of crazy sounds like the one a lot of us are carrying around. Underneath the exterior, many of us struggle with all the same stuff but aren't as truthful as you are.

Your dust bunnies love you no matter what you look like or what you eat.


Bob said...

Okay, David, well, you know me, I always have something to say.
See David, a few years ago, well, about fifteen years ago, I was like you. I was the Fat Guy. Sure, I had friends and I went places with them, but I rarely went anywhere else, because, as you said--and you are so right--I didn't want to be the fattest person there.
So I stayed home a lot; which feeds into the depression, which caused me to eat which caused me to get fatter which caused me to stay home.....round and round we go.
Then, one day, I decied to start walking. Not for health reasons, but because a great new sandwich place had opened downtown and parking was terrible, so walking was quicker. And I 'needed' that sandwich!
So I walked.
Now, I am not a Gym person; I've never joined a Gym, never went to a Gym; I don't drive by Gyms. Hell, I am not too fond of guys named Jim.
So, I walked.
I wore a baseball hat and dark sunglasses like I was Madonna smeaking out of my boy-toy's room. I thought the hat and glasses made me incognito, but mainly I wore them because I figured I wouldn't be able to see the faces of the people snickering at the Fat Guy.
But I walked.
And I kept on walking. And I didn't get on a scale and I didn't count calories or obsess over pounds. And I didn't change my eating habits very much. I stopped eating late at night, but other than that, a sub sandwich or big plate of Chinese was okay.
And I walked.
And then I noticed the belts being cinched one hole tighter. The shirts being as bit looser, and people saying, "Have you lost weight?"
And I walked.
I told them all I was trying to get back to my original weight.............Eight pounds, three ounces.
And I walked.
And after many months I had lost seventy-five pounds. I was 250, and then I was 175.
What I'm trying to say, David, is don't put so much pressure on you, and what other people think. You can do this one single step at a time. Just head out the door, onto the street, and go for a walk. Make it a routine. Count the blocks. Add a couple more blocks every so often.
You can do it.
How do I know this?
Because I did it, and I am by far the laziest person on the planet. Seriously.
But I walk.


theminx said...

I hear ya - I'm the same way. Except I mostly have a good self-image. (It's when I look in the mirror and see otherwise that I don't.)

My insurance covers crazy - yours might too! You probably need to talk to someone who will uncover the source of your binging and offer a solution. A physician is just going to bitch and moan, like you say, and do nothing to help you other than offer a dietician (ever notice how "diet" contains the word "die?")

If you want to talk about it, I'm here.


frogponder said...

Can I sit on the crazy sofa with you? Then I think I'll go walking with Bob.
But first a big hug {{{David}}}

behrmark said...

I could have written this myself. In fact, many times in ready your blogs I secretly wonder if we are twins separated at birth. I, too, dislike myself for my weight (despite having a few men tell me how "hot" I am) and am not finding a crumb of motivation anywhere to do something about it. Unlike you, however, I actually have a gym membership. Yes my handsome friend (and you are!), I once was a gym behr. And once the weight started coming off and it was "hey look Ma, muscles!" I began to enjoy it. But life intercepted all good intentions (i.e., a bastard bf) and now I'm at my absolute heaviest. Ever. I, too, merely go to work, run errands, visit the folks, and sit on my equally fat ass, not doing much. My doctor too tells me I need to lose weight. So give me a pill, doc! Sorry, I digress...this is about you not me.

David you are a brilliant man. Funny, handsome, kind, caring, generous, and loving. I am not going to offer suggestions or advice. Just my friendship as your other dust bunnies have and to say that although we've never met, I love you just as you are. (A lot like Bridget Jones.) BEHR HUGS!!

Beth said...

Aw, Honey, I just want to give you a hug. You know we love you!! I will chime in with this, though: I DO hope you look into talking to someone about this. Your insurance might cover more than you realize, but if not, other readers have good suggestions in online support groups or free counseling. It's obviously bothering you, so I hope you'll investigate a little further. You're a sweet, funny, and kind person and we want you to stick around awhile and enjoy life! XOXO Beth

RAD said...

Your big ball of crazy sounds like it isnt too crazy at all-- I think we can all understnad and some of us have been there-- or are there as well man... I can totally empathize with you and I think its great you can at least talk about it! It will change-- the time for change will come and it will be when the time is right for you....So hang in there sunshine! Keep up the great post too! I love ya!! xoxoxo

Beth said...

oh My Tranny....honey, I would love you no matter what you weigh, and I think you KNOW this in your heart. But I DO want you around for a long time, sooooo.....ya, walking is good. But who the hell am I to tell you to walk when I HATE to walk to my mailbox everyday?! I don't walk and I know I should. but it's harrrrrd to get started....and the gym? oh hells no. Too many skinny people there, looking down their nose at you. no thank you, I can get that at home for free.

I love ya girl. You're my Bestest Girlfriend.....and I'm hugging you right now. all of you...even the parts you don't like, cuz I love ALL your parts.

mikeinbama said...

When you decide you can't live the way your living anymore, your life will change.

Good Luck!

Howard said...

OK, I hear you, dude. I have a playground with my own particular ball of crazy. I now weigh at least 80bls more than I ever had, feel pretty freakin' old, and would prefer to stay in rather than leave the house. One of the reasons I go to as many music shows as I go to is because I need to get out at times, and it is usually a struggle. Never been to a gym, doubt I ever will. So, I call your crazy, and hope neither of us raises that ante any time soon.

Anonymous said...

Hey David, did you astrally project into my head? We are our own worst critics. Try not to be so hard on yourself (easier said than done)

Anonymous said...

Dearest Mame,

Ever since I first met you at PSU you have struggled with your appearance and weight. I'm sure I am repeating a lot of what the others have written, but people love you because of who you are and not what you look like. Everyone has vices and we all need to moderate our bad habits and behaviors to some extent. I think you need to focus on what really is making you the most unhappy as the overeating seems to be a temporary fix to a more deeply routed problem. Most people I know who say they love the gym are probably some of the most self-critical people and they do it to make themselves feel better and it is their escape from the real world. I guess I go for the same results, but I don't love going and do it for the superficial aspects (and some of the guys are hot there).

I'm here to listen whenever you want and hugs and kisses are part of the package.

Whenever you want to call me or come and visit, you have an open invitation.

I miss seeing you and I know you will get past this. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You are very loved.

Agnes Gooche

Zombie Mom said...

I love you and your crazy - but then as we have noted so very many times our forms of crazy mesh just perfectly...

What can I say- its a struggle.

And I will now just bug the F^&&* out of you by saying: You are cute as a bug, handsome at any size, funny as hell, compassionate, smart and amazing.

I know - you just want to be a skinny bitch- so stop throwing things at the monitor.

The whole weight-self esteem-self loathing-overeating cycle is one that I am painfully familiar with.

Yes, a kazillion hours of therapy have gotten me to "fake it - until I make it" - god love those behaviorists...

Anyway, I adore you and I am sorry you feeling stuck.... its sucks - you know I am here for you with own big ball of crazy just waiting to help you juggle whatever comes your way...


Jimmy said...

I was a fat kid. My mom's side of the family is fat, my dad's is thin. So, as a defense mechanism, I decided I would be fat and funny. In the late '80's, I started experiencing symptoms of what would, 8 years later, be diagnosed as Crohn's disease. I lost a great deal of weight very quickly, but I was really wasting away and I was miserable.

After I got the disease under control, I kept a fairly normal weight, for a six foot frame, at around 170-180lbs for years, until another severe bout back in '06 required surgery. I was 110lbs at the time of surgery! This left me with an ileostomy.

Now, for a gay man with a pre-existing negative body image, the ostomy has been a major psychological blow that, in all honesty, I haven't really dealt with as well as I could. So, I've reverted back to the old pattern of using food to comfort myself and I've gained back way too much weight. I could have stopped when I was eating to gain in order to come back from weighing just 110lbs, but I just kept on eating. Why? I think because I felt so unacceptable (and still do) that I should just look unacceptable too, which is pretty insane when you think about it.

After reading all of the other comments, it becomes clear that we are not alone in this insanity. I think a lot people experience feelings of low self-worth and that they don't deserve to be happy and healthy, or to be loved. But the fact is, we DO deserve those things, even though it is so hard to accept it because our brains are wired to believe differently.

Every new day gives us an opportunity to start on the path to making things right, if we can only find the courage to do it....and some ibuprofen for our aching knees.

Nancy N. said...

Ah, David, I can relate, totally. I'm doing 'good', now, I'm at a good weight, but I definitely have to throw food away, at times. Check out 'The End of Overeating' by Kessler. Don't read it as a way to end overeating (who can believe THAT?!), but read it as an interesting story of how food is deliberately manufactured to trigger insatiability. The guy who wrote it was an FDA honcho and struggled mightily with a suit in every size. The book explains why we truly 'can't eat just one'.

I have found that reading lots of fitness blogs helps me. Also, having an iPod packed with get-down songs keeps me working out. And screw all the complications of machines and weights, go straight to kettlebells. YouTube 'em for more info. Seriously. Hire a trainer for four sessions - no more, that would be way to much fricking money for something that you may abandon - and learn 'em. Short workouts.

Whatever you do, do it slowly, gradually. Go to fast and you'll get injured. It took me a year to lose my first ten pounds because I refused to throw myself into a routine that I knew was too rigorous too maintain.

Start with Skwigg's blog as a fitness refocus. She's doing vegetarian right now and I hate that, but, eh, she's got some good pearls of wisdom in her archives.

Good luck, sweetie, I know how it feels to wonder WHERE THE FRACK does motivation come from??? I say go towards the music.

Anonymous said...

Ahh man....I've followed your blog for a little while now, and although I wouldn't say I am a 'dust bunny', I do like wha you post. I disheartens me to think that the jovial person that I imagined you to be is, well is not. I think we all can share in your 'crazy' to some extent. if not with weigh, with any number of things.
If I met you, I would give you a big hug, and tell you everything is going to be OK. It sounds simple, or silly even, but that simple act can work wonders on the pysche to start.
On the real though...I think you would benefit from talking to a professional. Someone suggested going through a LGBT Center. That is a great idea. Whatever avenue you decide to go - whenever you are ready is a step in the right direction. Talking to a professional is just that - talking; getting whatever it is (and - only you know what it is...) out. You would be amazed at what that simple act can do.
I wish you all the best, and send love, and positive thinking along your way man.

polkadotoes said...

The whole time reading this post I was nodding my head because I know those EXACT feelings. If you ever find an answer, pass it on over hear because I will be looking with you! I guess all I can offer is support and a shoulder to whine on because I know where you are coming from.

Lots of love!

AGB said...

Thanks for venting.

Fuck working out!!

I wouldn't go 2 they gym either if it wasn't for looking at hot guys, and the chance to sneak "gym cam" pics to post. I had some of this problems and was unhappy with my body, then came to the conclusion that the post near perfect hotties everyday was the cause. I'm constantly comparing myself to the guys I post. Fukk that!

Sam said...

Ditto Sis...

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Maybe you need to go visit Miss Ginger for a couple of weeks. She will whip you into submission :o)

Joy said...

Ditto here, too! Dear Darling Nephew David, if anyone knows how you feel, I do, and you know that! Thank you, Bob, for what you wrote about walking. It helps me because it's just about walking and nothing else until eventually it starts to happen! My son and daughter-in-law lost weight by doing that and portion control. They were motivated by cholesterol that was too high.

It's almost like not thinking about it so much, isn't it? I told my son it was like I'm saying, "I survived cancer and sepsis, so let's see if I can survive a heart attack!" because that's what's going to happen. Does it motivate me? No!

I'm going to do what Bob suggested and walk. Then I'm going to make appointments at the gym I donate money to with the trainer because if I write it down, I'll go.

You do or don't do whatever you feel like doing or not doing. Eventually you'll walk. Take pictures when you do because we enjoy vicariously visiting NYC. Admitting this stuff means you're getting better.

Call me any time you want to! OK?

Wonder Man said...

I know it's tough, but the guy I met in NYC was a powerful person and I admire that. Stay strong, you should get out there and live.

You have too much to give us and so much to receive

mistress maddie said...

Now MAME! MAMIE! I ain't going to preach and get all, well do this and then do this. YOU are one of the funniest people who can make me laugh and I love when we spend time together. All I have to say is you can call when you feel down or just come to Philly and we can just hang here at the abode. Buster would LOVE to meet his Auntie Mame. I hate seeing you so upset. So call. All you have to say is "Are you there Mistress Borghese, it's me, Mame!" I'll call you this weekend sometime.


Berry Blog said... don't understand...we love you.
xoxoxoxo Charlie

Marker said...

I second what so many above said . . . I particularly love Bob's comment, and please save room for me on the crazy sofa with you and frogponder.


Jennie said...

I LOVE you and your big ball of crazy. It will never matter to me how fat or thin you are, because honey, you are smart and funny and dog gone it, people like you! (Sorry, all the Al Franken stuff has been playin' with my mind)

Mark in DE said...

David Darling,

I, too, had been wondering where the 'personal' posts have been. I like them even better than the hottie pics!

Believe it or not many of us can identify with your big ball of crazy.

But I agree with the first commenter. This is not about food/eating. Its about depression and self-esteem. Find out what counseling services are available from the GLBT Community Center. Seriously, you need to talk this through with someone qualified.

Rest assured that I/we LOVE YOU and feel you are worthy of more happiness and control in your life. Make that call, or better yet, walk on over to the GLBT center.


Stephen said...

I was sad to read about how unhappy you are. It takes me about 4 weeks to make the gym a habit & if I miss 2 days I am back to starting over. are loved!

Miss Ginger Grant said...

Sorry to be so late in commenting, sister, but I have been busy eating my way across Europe! Seriously! Diet be damned!
You know I am right there with you, especially about the frikken excercize thing! Gawd, I hate it!
The diet thing has been working for me because I finally reached a point where I said: Stop the Madness! I realized I was throwing my life away, and truly committing a slow, excrutiating suicide.
Now I get through one day at a time. I try to make a game of it... how many days can I go without cheating. Then, when I do cheat, I don't feel like I've blown the whole diet, I've just lost one round. You might try that little game.
I realized for myself that I HAD to find a way to eat less than what I had been eating... I was eating WAY too much, and it really was getting worse every day! Somehow, you gotta wrap your head around how you can make it a little BETTER every day, and you can kick it's butt! Love ya, honey!

JNez said...

this is one of the realest posts i've ever read. i so wanted to comment immediately that i skipped everyone else's comment to get to the option to post my comment. i can't wait to read what everyone else offered but i'm sure it was about encouragement to change and also acceptance of what is. how incredibly you've captured that huge chasm between the two. so many of us are there with you...comforts/escapes may vary but they all serve the same purpose. in the end, you will do what is right for david. there should be no pressure...only to accept yourself as you are. and i am confident that you will :)

Jimbo said...

Sending you a big gay hug. No pep talk, just a hug. Okay, I'll send happy thoughts, too. Hugs and happy thoughts.

xo <--- and that.


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