Monday, July 20, 2009

Design Star Episode One - Don't Forget To Eat!

It's time for another season of Design Star - the reality competition show about Interior Decorating with an alarming lack of flaming homosexuality. Don't worry, I’ll try to "gay it up" enough to make it acceptable to you - my lovely readers.

This year, Design Star is based in Hollywood, and last night we met the "Desecrators" one-by-one. After ten people arrive at a gorgeous Hollywood home, host Clive Pearse greets everyone and explains that the Designtestants themselves will be selecting the 11th cast member - out of three possible finalists.

The three hopefuls are asked questions from the Designtestants, and each potential cast member talks about their "can-do" attitudes and their "bag of tricks". My question would have been simple: "Which one of you has no talent and doesn't snore?". Seems like a no-brainer to me. Tori, the chick from Houston, is selected as the 11th contestant (because she has no talent and doesn’t snore?) - and the competition begins.

Clive reminds the Designtestants that they’ll be competing for their own show on HGTV. For some reason, this prospect absolutely THRILLS them. Clive also tells them of some changes for this season – HGTV stars Candice Olsen and Genevieve Gorder will be joining Vern Yip as Judges. Considering I can’t remember who Candice and Genevieve replaced, this is probably a good move.

The other big change this season will be that the JUDGES (not the public) will select the winner this year.

Clive informs the Designtestants that the home they are standing in will be where they'll work and live this season – and the first challenge will be to furnish/decorate three bedrooms, the living room, and the dining room. They will have 32 hours spread out over 4 days to complete their tasks – and they have $50,000 to get the job done. They discuss amongst themselves and divvy up the rooms, tasks and money.

Here is how it shakes down.

Dining Room: Dan (cute) and Nate (kinda cute). Considering the fact that these guys are decorators, there’s a good chance one or both of them is gay. But in true HGTV Design Star fashion, we’re not 100% sure – and nobody talks about it (remember Mikey V from last season?!?). So this seems like the perfect time to gay things up a little bit …

That outta do the trick.

Master Bedroom: Tashica and NataLee. They are VERY “high energy” and do a lot of high-fiving.

Living Room: It is huge, so three people will work on it. First of all, we have Antonio who is obviously straight – I’ll try not to it hold against him – and obviously loves going to the Tattoo Parlor. Next is Amy – who comes from a long tradition of bland reality TV white girls who I can’t tell apart. And finally we have Lonni, who immediately states that she owns her own design firm and “has people” to do all the physical stuff for her. Yeah, she’s THAT biatch.

Bedroom #2: Jason and Jen. As they are checking out the room and discussing what to do, Jason gives us our first gay “fabulous”.

No that’s not his picture, but Jason is just as gay as that (if not more so). One problem: I could have sworn that Jason entered the house wearing a Member’s Only Jacket. I’m sorry Gayson, but the only person who correctly rocks the M.O. is Rosario from Will & Grace

Finally, Bedroom #3 features Jany and Tori. These two are so memorable that I’ve already forgotten who they were or what they look like. I hope they don’t win so I don’t have to figure it out.

Money is distributed based on square footage, and the partners start discussing their ideas. Tattooed Antonio mentions painting something pink for the living room, while Lonnie gives him the disapproving side-eye. Tashica and NataLee do a lot of high-fiving, but don’t seem to get much else done. The Ambiguously Gay Duo (Dan and Nate) seem to have their act together and are working well together.

Day One is over, and Day Two begins. In the Living Room, the gals go shopping, leaving Antonio to paint. Design Firm Owner (and physical labor hater) Lonni remarks that “Amy and I are the Shoppers, and Antonio is the hired help”. She’s getting him confused with all the “Antonio’s” she’s picked up in the Home Depot parking lot to remove drywall and mow her yard. When the “Shoppers” return, Lonni and Antonio butt heads over how to hang wallpaper. “You wanna do it?”, Antonio keeps asking. I think we all know the answer to that question is a stank “No, thank you”.

Ambiguously Gay Dan is MAKING his own dining room table – without the help of anyone named “Antonio” (note to Lonni – it CAN be done). Tashica and NataLee continue to high-five in the Master Bedroom – but not much else. And Gayson and Jen (who is one of only 150 “Color Designers” in the US – smell huh!) are tongue-kissing faux wooden taxidermy heads for some reason.

Day Two is over, and Day Three begins. Antonio would like to paint some wooden ducks for the Living Room wall a bright pink. Again with the pink! Are we SURE he’s straight? And again, Lonni gives him the disapproving sideways stank eye.

Over in the Master Bedroom, all that high-fiving has finally taken its toll on Natalee – who almost passes out at the end of the day. She feels “physically drained”, but the bottom line is the fact that the skinny biatch didn’t eat. For long-time DavidDust readers, you know how I feel about people who skip meals – especially those skinny Ho’s who “forget” to eat.

Finally, it’s Day Four. The Designtestants will have 2 hours to finish up. Everything seems to come together nicely, EXCEPT for in the Master Bedroom. NataLee is feeling better, but she and Tashica have spent the entire four days high-fiving and sloppily taping floors, and now they only have a couple of hours to pull it together. BTW, they’re idea of “pulling it together” is duct-taping fabric onto the headboards, ripping duvets in half (they couldn’t find twin size), and TAPING curtains to the ceiling. Vern Yip will certainly NOT forget to eat them for breakfast…

Speaking of Vern, it’s time for the judging. First up is the Living Room and the Ambiguously Gay (and vaguely cute) Dan and Nate. The judges likee the contrast of the bold wall/floor mural with the plain wooden planks.

Next up is the hot mess of a Master Bedroom. Vern wanted to know if they spent all the money and Candice is embarrassed for them. They reply that they had grand plans, but didn’t have enough time to execute said plans because it takes a lot of time and energy to high-five every ten seconds.

They discuss Bedroom Two next. Gayson and Jen explain that their inspirations was “A Writer for National Geographic who was a collector” – which literally makes Vern LOL. “We stepped out of the box”, Gayson tries to explain, to which Vern replies “WAY out!”. The High Five Sisters may have been just been saved by overpriced Astroturf and wrong-sized chairs. But seriously, I don’t think even HGTV would send home the only obvious Queen during Week One. And btw, Jason used one of those uber-gay words while talking to the judges … “cocktail”. Ladies, if your husband refers to drinky-drinks as “cocktails”, you may want to check his credit card statement for any charges from Just saying.

Next we have Bedroom Three. The judges think it’s kinda “blah”, but at least the curtains aren’t taped to the ceiling.

Finally, the Judges discuss the Living Room. Vern immediately wants to know who painted the wooden ducks pink, and Lonni is READY to throw Manual Laborer Antonio under the bus. Antonio admits it was his idea to pinken the ducks – to which Vern responds that it was an EXCELLENT idea. Lonni’s expression is now a JEALOUS sidestankeye.

The Designtestants go backstage to await the judging. After the Judges discuss, the designers are called back out, and the results are announced…

Teams Living Room (Antonio, Lonni, Some White Girl) and Dining Room (the maybe-gays) were the best this week – and are safe. Team Bedroom Three (Torie and Jany – whoever THEY are) are also safe.

This leaves Gay Jason, Color Designer Jen, and the High Fivers – Tashica and NataLee. In the end, malnourished Natalee’s show is cancelled and the rest are safe. Now go eat a cheeseburger NataLee, and stop bitching about feeling sick…

Next week … kitchens are destroyed.


Betsy said...

That was entertainment!!

Can't wait to read your next recap next week. Thanks for checking us out at The Estate of Things.

frogponder said...

I have to root for Dan being a PNW boy. I like Antonio (did you catch where he was wondering if he could hit on Judge Genvieve?). His wallpaper snarkiness bodes well for future episodes. And when his pink ducks were a hit we cheered at the Ponder household. And Lonni, she has people?! I loves this! Now to go find out what the hell a color designer does.

Stephen said...

I had to DVR it because I was starting to fade after a day in the sun & several cocktails. It will be more fun to watch tonight after having read your keen analysis. Thank you Professor Dust.

Bob said...

I am fairly certain, having scoured the internet, that the Dining Rom GayMaybBoys are, in fact, completely Homolicious.

mikeinbama said...

Great...Just Great! Finally you have a show you can sink your teeth into with your great recaps!

I’m sorry Gayson, but the only person who correctly rocks the M.O. is Rosario from Will & Grace…

Room Fu said...

Love your recap. Matt Locke told me to check out your blog and he was funny!

Reciprocate w/my recaps and check out my interviews w/the judges and NataLee. You'll find out exactly why she was feeling the vapors...might make you feel bad. Or not.

Room Fu said...

Oops, forgot to leave the damn URL:

Miss Ginger Grant said...

I think Dan was on that "Gay Boys in the Desert" reality show they had a few years back.. he looks awefully familiar and I want to remember him in cowboy drag.

The judges you forgot were the horribly untalented Cynthia Rowley (whom I have always hated) and that other snarky bitch who dressed weird. I think she wrote for a magazine or something.

geneva said...

You are so funny!! but don't you think it's a little obvious in the editing. take Lonni with the stankeye. i mean really---do you think that wasn't edited like that on purpose? just like antonio's music change everytime he's on. and any designer working has people do the labor. she was probably answering one of the many interview questions they ask these contestants. I actually liked her and thought she seemed classy. pink ducks? whoa dude not in my house!!! hahaha so pink flamingo is RIGHT!

Anonymous said...

Too fffunnyy! Can't wait for more. As for comments, it is TV land so we have to talk about something like skankeye and I am sure that everyone will take some shots. Better to be eliminated for "health" than "dude" (no gender issues here) you just can't design. Beside if you have special health issues, ALL THE MORE reason to take care of yourself to go the distance. You know what it takes to keep you in the game. Got health issues myself so speak from experience.

Cuz_I'm_The_Mom said...

This white girl has forgotten her purse, her keys, the balance in her bank account, and even the names of her own children. NEVER forgotten to eat. How does one do that exactly? And, yes, I read Fu for Thoughts blog interview. NataLee forgot to eat cuz she's pregnant. For cryin' out loud, I ate for the entire Duggar family when I was preggers. Nosh on some wallpaper paste if you're in danger of passing out, hon. Sheesh.

Glad to be back, David. I've missed you, lovie!

Mark in DE said...

I loved me som Design Star last season, but found this season's opening episode a bit boring. Fortunately your recap was MUCH more entertaining!

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