On last week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race, it was “curtains” for Miss Shangela – while Morgan took home the win and immunity.
On this week’s show, morning washes over smoggy Los Angeles - and the Dragtestants wash yesterday’s mascara off their faces. They soon head to the workroom, where they receive SheMail from RuPaul. Ru gives them the “Drag-u-weather Forecast” and tells the girls that someone is going to “make it rain” today. Batten down the hatches, biatches.
Boy Ru enters and tells the lovely ladies that they will “street walk a mile in my shoes” and “turn a lady into a tramp” for their mini-challenge. The lady? Miniature RuPaul Supermodel dolls – which the gorgeous Pit Crew brings in…
The girls have 20 minutes to take the Ru dolls and turn them into the Tranny Hooker of the century. Jujubee and Tyra immediately tackle the tough issues – like hooker heels vs. hooker boots, and whether or not the footwear should match the bag. Mystique, the big girl, is forced to work alone – and she creates a hooker doll with a convenient “rear entrance”. Finally, Nicole Paige Brooks reveals that she, like Tyra, has a son back home. I’m starting to think that these drag queens get more action with women than most straight guys – but then I found out that the boy isn’t Nicole’s biological son.
After the mini-makeovers, each team reveals their looks. And the winner is Pandora and Sahara with “Shafreeforal”…
Poor ‘ShaFree’ (that’s what the other girls on the corner call her) had a rough night and has lost her shoe, at least one tooth, and what little dignity she had left. Girl, I HAVE BEEN THERE … and then woke up in a church parking lot! After church had started. Foreals.
RuPaul then reveals this week’s main challenge. The girls will be split into two teams and will be competing as burlesque dancers. Pandora and Sahara get to be Captains and pick their teams, since they won the mini-challenge.
Team Pandora: Morgan, Sonique, Raven, Tatiana and Nicole Paige Brooks. AKA “The Skinny Cute Girls”.
Team Sahara: Jessica, Jujubee, Tyra, and Mystique. AKA “Team Look What the (Pussy)Cat Dragged In”.
In addition to pole dancing, the Dragtestants will have to choreograph a group routine and create their own costumes. The girls grab-and-growl at the available costume fabric, and the bitchery begins.
Over at Team Not-So-Cute, Tyra immediately becomes a pain in the ass. Tyra is upset that she isn’t with the pretty girls, so she decides to complain about EVERYTHING - using her annoying mush-mouth monotone voice. Team captain Sahara refers to her as “Satan’s Baby”.
They head over to the club for a pole-dancing lesson. The two (real) women dancers are SERVING it on a platter, although none of the Dragtestants want any of it. Those (real) girls might as well be selling ham sandwiches on the streets of Tel Aviv during Yom Kippur – nobody wants what they are selling, no matter how delicious.
After their demonstration, the instructors ask for volunteers, and immediately big Mystique steps onstage. That girl is NOT afraid to shake what her Momma gave her – that’s for sure. And her Momma gave her A LOT.
When Nicole Paige Brooks gets onstage we see why skinny women shouldn’t pole dance. Nicole is so thin she makes Rachel Zoe look like Rachael Rae. And Nicole’s dancing is about as sexy as watching a skeleton have an epileptic seizure. Even Nicole’s teammates roll their eyes – and Raven remarks that Nicole “CANNOT bring the sexy back”. Ever.
But at least Nicole tried. Tyra Sanchez, on the other hand, keeps her arms folded and refuses to get onstage. I hope that when Satan’s Baby is sent home, RuPaul does it by quoting the REAL Tyra Banks in her signature freak-out speech.
"I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! How dare you!! You go to bed at night, you lay there, you take responsibility for YO-SELF, because no one will take responsibility for you!!"
After practicing their choreography onstage, everyone heads back to the workroom to create their costumes. RuPaul visits, and ends up with team leader Sahara. Pointing to a sleeping Tyra, Ru asks Sahara if she is OK with one of her girls sleeping and suggests Tyra may need to get pimp slapped. Pimpin’ ain’t easy, after all.
But instead of a smack, Ru gently awakens Tyra – who mumbles something about glue guns and being finished. Then Tyra goes back to sleep. I was rooting for you Tyra! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!
RuPaul tells the girls that they will be performing at Club Dragonfly – in front of the judges and an audience of men – so they need to bring their Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. And Tyra might want to bring a pillow, just in case she gets sleepy again.
The next day at the club, RuPaul introduces this week’s judges – Santino and Merle – as well as the hilarious Kim Coles and the fabulous Queen of Burlesque – Dita Von Teese.
Then Ru announces a twist – while one team is dancing, the other team must hit the streets and try to sell cherry pie gift certificates from a local café. Of course Tyra hates this idea – she’d rather be selling Serta Perfect Sleeper Mattresses. Or sleeping on them.
So, team Sahara hits the pavement, while the gorgeous gals of Team Pandora hit the pole. Surprisingly, the pretty girls of Team Pandora seem to have trouble “making it rain” and collecting tips from the audience. Raven, in particular, stated that she only made enough money for dinner at The Sizzler. Honey, six bucks is six bucks – don’t put yourself down so much. Furthermore, at least she’s not as bad Nicole Paige Brooks - or as frightfully THIN …
Dem bones … dem bones!
Meanwhile on the streets of Los Angeles, the dragged-up divas of Team Sahara are attempting to peddle their pie to pedestrians. At first it doesn’t go so well, in fact Jujubee has to remind deep-voiced Tyra to put more “Soprano” in her voice. Unfortunately Tyra continued channeling TONY Soprano, and not Beverly Sills. Hell, even if Tyra would have tried for CARMELA Soprano, it would have been better than her normal squawk. But the girls rally and finally collect some money.
The teams switch – and Pandora’s girls hit the streets, while Sahara’s Ho’s hit the pole. Team Pandora’s street technique can be summed up in one word:
SOLICITATION
Those girls look they’ve done this before. My favorite sales pitch is Nicole Paige Brooks’: “You KNOW you want THE PIE”. No they don’t darling – but maybe you should have a slice to get some meat on those skinny bones of yours. They are so bad that the pedestrians seem to speed up and RUN past these desperate Trannies. Talk about not wanting what these girls are selling...
The Misfit Dolls of Team Sahara hit the stage – and get the judges smiling. Everyone does a good job, and Mystique does her signature split – “dropping it” like a ton of bricks. And even though they might not be the prettiest girls – Team Sahara seems to make a bunch of money.
After the show, the girls return to the workroom and put on their “High Class Drag” outfits for the runway show. RuPaul enters and re-introduces the judges, and the runway show begins.
The highlight of the runway show is, of course, RuPaul’s commentary. Especially when she said Mystique could “Eat Beyonce in one swallow!”
But the runway also featured another highlight, at least for me. And this was Jessica Wild’s outfit – which Kim Coles described as like a “Toilet Paper Cozy” …
Kim has a point…
After the show, the girls line up onstage for the results. Team Sahara (AKA “Team Not-So-Pretty") brought in the most cash, so they are safe and head backstage for cocktail and stank talk. Team Pandora is up for elimination and remains onstage.
The girls are critiqued by Ru and the judges – and Team Pandora tries to throw pretty Tatianna under the bus. However, RuPaul announces that Nicole Paige Brooks (who looked like a “drunk Janice Dickinson) and Raven (with her Sizzler money) will have to lip synch for their lives. The rest are safe.
Raven and Nicole perform the En Vogue classic My Lovin (You’re Never Gonna Get It) – and Raven knocks it out of the park. Nicole Paige Brooks is told to sashay away … back to Atlanta and to her adopted son. Buh-bye girl!
Next week: TANYAFREAKINGTUCKER!!!!
