Did any of you bitches watch
Tool Academy yesterday? Lordy, lordy, lordy … did this episode ever end with a BANG! Here's a little recap...
The last three couples are now living together – which Ashley (
below, with Josh) appreciates after living “in a house full of vaginas for so long”. God, that sounds worse than living in the Gaza Strip or Guantanamo Bay or Utah. Thank goodness they got out of that evil House O’ Vaginas before it was too late.
The couples are called into “therapy” with Dr. Trina, one-by-one. First up are Josh and Ashley. When they enter the Therapy Room, they discover Ashley’s dad and Josh’s mom and aunt are there.
It’s Family Weekend at the Tool Academy!
Dr. Trina gets the families to talk about their feelings for each other, and Ashley reveals that she suspects Josh’s mom hates her. Josh’s mother, who seems sweet despite her obvious lack of dental insurance – tells Ashley she loves her like a daughter. And Ashley’s dad vows to rip Josh’s head off if Josh ever hurts his daughter. Dr. Trina declares this “progress”, so let's pretend it actually is.
The next couple for therapy is Shawn and Aida. Shawn is surprised to see his mom and sister – and a little nervous about seeing Aida’s sister and best friend. Aida’s family obviously has no love for the big tool, and won’t even hug him.
Dr. Trina (
I keep wanting to write “Nurse Trina”, which sounds very porn-ish) immediately tells Aida’s family that Shawn actually came to the Academy with another woman. Stop snitching, Dr. T.! Elmira, Aida’s sister, responds by saying “I’m getting nauseous” – which is how I respond when I look at all of Aida’s plastic surgery.
Shawn’s mother doesn’t have much love for “my son’s girlfriend”, which she says with obvious distaste. She must get nauseous over Aida’s fake face also. During the discussions, we find out that Shawn’s family had a tough time when he was going up – and at one point they were homeless and lived in a car. This is why Shawn obsesses over money and hates thinking about his childhood.
Finally, Ryan/Matsuflex and Jenna arrive at the therapy room to find Jenna’s parents, and Matsu’s mom and sister. Matsuflex has never met Jenna’s parents – and we soon find out why. Jenna’s dad introduces himself by saying that he and his family are Christians and “love Jesus Christ as our Savior”. I bet he’s fun at parties.
Snitching’ Trina strikes again by revealing that Matsuflex had fidelity issues – and although he and Jenna haven’t had sex yet, he was boinking everything else with a pulse. You can imagine the thrilled looks on the faces of Jenna’s devout parents.
Jenna’s Dad makes sure to really get his point across by saying to Matsuflex that “we do believe that sexual union is precious and should be between one man and one woman”, but if they wait, they will be “rewarded”. Ugh. I LOVED how he had to add the “one man/one woman” thing, just in case any gays might be trying to get married within earshot. Seriously dude – just shut it.
Everyone moves outside to find out what the challenge will be this week. There is a “barnyard” set up, and the host announces that the couples will see what it’s like to be parents. They will each get a baby pig and have to care for it for 24 hours.
The guys catch their pigs, and then the couples bath, diaper, dress, and put their pigs in a carrier. A diaper on a pig? Seems like kind of a lost cause. Anywhoo, Matsuflex’s pig immediately pops a boner, which impresses Matsu. “Damn, that guy is stacked!”, he exclaims, followed by “What should I do with this?”. I’m not sure what he should do, but is has been noted before that Matsu does like a nice sausage…
I wonder what Jenna’s parents think about the homosexual union of one tool and one pig with a long tool. That would probably make them explode.
The couples finish the challenge (Josh and Ashley win), and afterwards the couples and the families gather for a barbeque. Let’s have some ribs! In fact, Aida asks dumbass Shawn if he’s eating pig, and he responds “no, it’s pork”. And that’s why this show isn’t called
Rocket Science Academy.
Jenna’s Crusader parents spend the evening drilling Matsuflex with questions – even asking “what are your intensions with Jenna?” Does anyone really say that anymore? I would say he INTENDS to hump Jenna, but considering he hasn’t done so in 7 months, I think the pig probably has a better chance of getting boinked. Oink!!
Matsuflex is a little bit TOO focused on himself and his persona at dinner, making grand statements like “Matsuflex is a revolution, it’s going to change America!”. Jenna’s good Christian mother responds the only way she knows how…
God bless her.
The family picnic is over, and the couples go back to the house. They find little pig cribs beside their beds, and Matsu/Jenna and Josh/Ashley seem to really take the task seriously.
Shawn, on the other hands, starts to get a little Piggly Wiggly. He yells at Aida about how a pig isn’t a child, and it’s “wrong” (
he must have talked to Jenna’s Dad). Seriously, he starts freaking out about his childhood on a ranch and reaching up a sow’s vajayjay and finally leaves the room with Aida. Aida and Shawn leave their “child” unattended to deal with Shawn’s breakdown. This tool has issues.
The next morning we have the scene that must have curled PETA’s toes – Josh eating bacon in front of the pig. At least Ashley covered little Piggy’s eyes...
It’s time to say goodbye to the pigs – which are placed on a truck and taken immediately to the local Hormel plant so Josh can have bacon tomorrow.
Later, while everyone is eating, Shawn starts picking on the other couples out of the blue. He accuses the other couples of being “fake” and “hustling” for the $100,000 Grand Prize. He says he and Aida are the only “real” couple there. He doesn’t mention, however, that they weren’t a “real” couple on
Tool Academy until Episode #2, when Aida showed up and kicked Shawn’s other girlfriend to the curb. Now THAT’S keeping it real.
But Shawn doesn’t let up. At one point Matsu holds his chin out and tells Shawn to hit him – because if he does, Shawn will be eliminated. Shawn is so stupid that he ends up knocking Matsuflex against the wall – HARD. They didn’t say it on the show, but I’m sure that meant Shawn was going home automatically.
Sure enough, at the “Badge Ceremony”, Shawn is told that he is “just a tool” - and must leave. He walks outside where the three remaining girlfriends wait. As soon as Ashley and Jenna see that Shawn is going home, Jenna – I swear to you – whispers “Peace!” and gives the sideways Dust Bunny “
Peace, bitch” hand gesture. It was fucking awesome.
This is where the fun really begins. Josh and Matsuflex come out onto the balcony to harass Shawn – as Shawn had done to the loser of the last episode. At one point, pipsqueak Josh calls Shawn’s girlfriend a “hooker” – and then it was on and poppin’.
Shawn runs back into the house screaming and yelling and vowing to kill both Josh and Matsuflex. Aida, who has figured out they weren’t going to win the $100,000 – also shows her true colors. She too runs back into the house, and screams to Josh: “Just ‘cause you dream about me while you fuck your girl!”. Those two really know how to keep it classy.
