Monday, March 16, 2009

Tool Academy - "No-Class Reunion"

Did anyone watch the Tool Academy Class Reunion yesterday? It was everything you’d expect from something called a “Tool Academy Class Reunion”.

First of all, I LOVE Cameron – better know as the gal who gave us “Peace, Bitch!”...

Just look at that killer look in her eyes. Scary! Cameron's ex-Tool “Clarence/Celebrity” tried to kiss and make up, but she was having NONE of it. She is “disgusted” by him now. It sounds like Miss Cameron was the true winner of Tool Academy – because she GOT RID of her Tool. As an added bonus, she is now the icon of Dust Bunnies everywhere.

Dumbass Tommy’s girl – Krista (below) – is a real beeyotch. But she DID have one of the best lines I’ve ever heard (regarding Ashley):

“You work at fucking PETCO, are you KIDDING ME?!? I buy my fucking CAT LITTER from bitches like that”. I’m having a T-Shirt made that says: “I'd Like To Buy My Fucking Cat Litter From A Bitch Like You”. Then I’ll wear it to my neighborhood Petland Discounts and start up conversations with random Papis who work there. At this point I'll try anything.

Anywhore, Krista’s statement did not make Jersey Girl Ashley (below) happy – and Ashley demanded that Krista to say it to her face. Krista made some stank comment about New Jersey, which made the situation worse. I thought Ashley was going to break that skinny little bitch in half. DO NOT MESS WITH A BIG GIRL FROM JERSEY … Ever. Those up-swept bangs mean business...

Mega (below) pulled a Toby Young and came prepared with comments regarding Douchy Shawn. Mega's, “All this tit-for-tat is elementary, and I’m college” wasn’t exactly accurate. But I guess “All this tit-for-tat is elementary, and I’m vocational school” isn’t quite as catchy.

Mega DID accurately describe Shawn’s haircut as “1989 Edward Scissorhands”. Complete with the required amount of Dippity-Do.

Even the Host of the show – Jordan Murphy – wanted to know why Shawn was “so fucking angry”. Maybe because of the episode where Shawn pulled his pants/underwear down by accident – revealing a “Kung Fu Hero” tattoo and not much else…

I believe during that episode it was Krista who described the experience as like “being in the front row of a circus … for MICE”. No wonder Shawn needs to hit people.

Speaking of Krista – she had dumped slacker Tommy after he didn’t learn anything during his stay at Tool Academy. All Tommy managed to do was throw chairs and look stupid. He told Jordan that he was proud of his behavior, because “now people know I can pick up this couch”. Way to reach for the stars!

But Krista took Tommy back because he finally got a job (and also because she later said he was “cute and good at fucking” – which is always a plus). In fact, Tommy got TWO jobs – bartending at night, and selling upholstery during the day. I’m sure the upholstery gig is court-mandated restitution for all the furniture he has damaged over the years.

Then we found out that an anonymous female made some comments about Tommy on VH1's blog. This Ho possessed specific knowledge regarding Tommy’s “junk”. BTW - I HATE it when people use the term "Junk". Call it a dick, peen, wiener or whatever – but there is NOTHING junky about a penis. Anywhoo, Krista makes Tommy take a lie-detector test on-stage. He failed miserably (natch), and it is obvious that he cheated on Krista.

Well, Krista may be a bitch – but she was NOT having it. She jumped off that couch (which Tommy can throw, btw – everybody knows it), told VH1 to call her a car, and told Tommy he would have to move back in with his Mommy. Brava Diva!!

Tommy chased her backstage and groveled just like a man who got caught cheating on his girl. When in doubt – LIE. When that doesn’t work, he reminds Krista of the lie-detector test he PASSED during the taping of the show. On that episode, they asked Tommy if he had ever been “deceitful” to Krista. He said no – and the machine indicated he was not lying.

Krista comes back with another great line: “You don’t know what deceitful means, you idiot!”. Ok – Krista just made up for talking shit about my girl Ashley. Krista then proceeded to SMACK THE SHIT out of Tommy’s face – and finally made her way out of the studio and into a waiting car. Susan Lucci couldn’t have done a better job.

In response, Tommy does what everyone knows Tommy can do – throws around some tables and shit. Keep it classy, dumbass.

As if that whole experience wasn’t enough – we get the absolute climax of the Reunion. They focus back on Shawn – who came onto Tool Academy with one girl until his real girlfriend “Aida” showed up. Well, it turned out he banged a THIRD girl at a Gas Station a few days before Tool Academy began taping. He then moved in with Gas Station Girl after the show ended – because those other skanks got smart and kicked him to the curb.

On-screen they showed a pair of women’s legs mysteriously approaching the studio. The audio was of Shawn talking about how he is trying to reform himself as a tool. All of a sudden, an attractive woman enters the studio and everyone looks at her. The host asks who she is, and she answers: “I’m Heather, and I’m having Shawn’s baby”. In the immortal words of Maury Povich - you ARE the father!!

Ok, I know THAT was supposed to be the big shocker, but Dust Bunny Polkadotoes has the GOOD dish on Gas Station Girl…


Sweet Baby Jeebus - reality worlds have collided!! But I have a question for Heather. How do you go from being a working fashion model to banging losers in the Exxon bathroom??? Seriously.

Other highlights of the show included Nurse Trina’s boobage; Matsuflex getting a standing ovation for boinking Jenna; and the look on Ashley’s face while she decided if she should clap for Gas Station Girl’s 4th month of pregnancy.

And at the end, they made it sound like there would be a Tool Academy 2. I can’t wait.


Kailyn said...

Love it when my reality shows intersect. Just wish we had some commentary from Santino.

Beth said...

oh to have Santino say something!!! I wonder where he is now? I really liked Santino...and Kayne. I loved Kayne. I really miss Project Runway...I wish they would hurry up and get outta court!

oh, this was about Tool....I was flipping through the channels cuz I HATE commercials, and I saw the part where that guy failed the li e detector, and that chick SLAPPED his face off!!!!! loves it!!!!

don't these women kinda get what they deserve for dating these Tools? I bet I get in trouble for saying that, huh? ;)

LOVE YOU TRANNY! I got my newspapers AND the extra magazine with hottie Obama on the cover! THANK YOU!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

god i love the tool academy...
theyre casting season 2 right now, judging from the commercials they keep running with the website on it...


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