Tuesday, March 24, 2009

RuPaul's Drag Race - Grand Finale & Reunion

As we all know, the competition on RuPaul’s Drag Race came down to Bebe, Nina, and Rebecca. Oh, I forgot to tell you all this – last week when I called Rebecca “stank”, some "Anonymous” commenter called me a “fat, disgusting Troll”! Isn’t that delicious?!? Note to Rebecca: show some balls and use your name when commenting on this fat, disgusting Troll’s blog. Bokay?!?

The Grand Finale:

On the Grand Finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race last night, the three remaining girls entered the workroom, and get their video “She-Male” from RuPaul. Ru tells them they’ll be making the “Bourgeoisie and the People come together”. If there are any straight men reading this and know what that is from, I have two things to say:

1. Why in the HELL are you reading my blog? And…
2. Seriously, why are you reading DavidDust if you’re straight? Oh, and how do you know the Madonna reference (above)? And DON’T say your last “girlfriend” was a big Madonna fan. I’ve heard that one before.

Anywhore, judges Merle and Santino enter the workroom and tell the dragtestants that their final challenge will be to perform in RuPaul’s “Covergirl – Put The Bass In Your Walk” video. They will work with a choreographer on the dancing, with gay rapper Cazwell on a rap segment, they’ll work with director Mike Ruiz on the video itself.

They get busy right away. Choreographer Ryan Heffington – who looks like he works part-time for a gay circus – puts the bitches through their paces. Nina gets the moves down quickly, Bebe does ok, and Rebecca can’t seem to get it at all.

After learning the dance routine, the girls separate. Each will meet RuPaul one-on-one for a delicious and nutritious lunch consisting of two Tic-Tacs. Wow, I tried serving that to Kate Moss once, and she asked for one of the Tic-Tacs to be wrapped “to go”. The first girl to lunch with Ru is Nina. They discuss drag, Nina’s family, and they chow down on their Tic-Tacs.

While Ru and Nina are lunching, Rebecca works with Cazwell (below) on her rap. I’ve featured gay rapper Cazwell before – his VIDEO about seeing Beyonce at Burger King cracked me up for weeks.

Cazwell, like the rest of America, isn’t impressed with Miss Glasscock. Rebecca’s rap was little more than some gibberish, with three “Uh Huhs” and one “Mama” thrown in for good luck. Cazwell called it “four bars of nothing”. Maybe Rebecca needed some more “Mamas”?

Bebe lunches with RuPaul – and cries about AIDS and Cameroon. Remind me not to invite Bebe to lunch if I’m already feeling depressed.

Nina is next up with Cazwell – who calls Nina’s accent “pretty spicy”. He should try Nina’s recipe for Spicy Taino Chicken – it’ll grow hair on your ass! But Nina – ever the positive soul – ends up doing a good job on her rap and Cazwell gives her a high five on the way out.

Rebecca is last to eat lunch with Ru – and I could have sworn I saw the Supermodel of the World gagging on a Tic-Tac as a result.

Bebe is last to rap with Cazwell. She is all about “Face, Face, Face” – and Cazwell proclaims: “You’re a fierce bitch!”. This is high praise indeed from the gayest rapper EVAH.

It’s time for the girls to get in front of the camera and work with director Mike Ruiz. He loved that Nina nailed the choreography, and was also impressed with Bebe’s energy. Although he did keep telling Bebe to not look so damn crazy all the time.

When it came time for Rebecca to appear before the camera, the bitch wasn’t ready. She was having a bad hair/face/wardrobe/everything day. Rebecca finally decides to get out there anyway, despite her “crappity makeup” and “crazy-ass hairs”. Her words, not mine.

But when Rebecca gets in front of Mr. Ruiz, he immediately notices how raggedy she is looking, and tells her to take a little more time. Honey, she needs until about 2012, and I am just not that patient.

Here are just three of the instructions Mike Ruiz gives Rebecca during her photo shoot:

“Get the hair off your lip”.

“If you don’t know the lyrics, don’t move your mouth”.

“It looks weird”

‘Nuf said.

Later – before the final runway show – Nina and Bebe bond and reminisce. Nina says she hopes that the girls keep in touch and get to work together again. Rebecca … not so much. This is also known as “stank”. And I hope to be able to hit the “Reject” button on Rebecca's next anonymous comment to this fat Troll.

Time for the final runway show. As always, RuPaul makes the first twirl on the catwalk – then introduces the only judges for this final episode: Merle and Santino.

The three girls walk – and the judges talk. Afterwards, Rebecca makes a remark about how much “older” the other two girls are. But it’s ok, ‘cause Rebecca Stankcock has already lost.

The girls go off-stage and the judges deliberate. Sure enough, Santino says that Rebecca is out of the running and it’s down to Nina and Bebe. RuPaul, who has the final say, jokes that “you never know” and then yells: “Akashia, come on out girl!”. Sweet Baby Jeebus, thank goodness it was only a joke.

Time for the results:

Rebecca is out. Nina and Bebe will Lip Synch for their lives to RuPaul’s Covergirl.

Here is what I wrote in my notes:

“Bebe is TEARING IT UP. Bitch won”.

Sure enough, I was right. RuPaul has made her decision, and “passes the reigns onto Bebe”. Bebe IS The Next Drag Superstar.

Nina, God bless her good soul, says: “I deedn’t won da prizes, but I won udder tings”. That’s right baby.

Congratulations to Bebe.

The Reunion Special:

Personally, I thought the Reunion special was better than the Finale. RuPaul, being “bad at math”, called herself the “OctoDragMommy” – who gave birth to NINE drag queens. Ru talks to four of them first:

Victoria “Pork Chop” Parker – “the OTHER white meat”.

Tammie Brown – who was talking in a weird “The Godfather meets Chico and the Man” accent. Bizarre.

Akashia. Who wasn’t nearly as hateful as some of the other bitches.

And the lovely Jade – Miss “Snakes on a Plane” herself.

Victoria discussed how other Southern queens didn’t like that she had to get wet in the first challenge. But Pork Chop, even though she was eliminated first, had the absolute correct attitude. She was competing in a competition, and was going to be judged on how well she did what she was told to do. And Victoria didn’t have a problem with that.

Tammie Brown, on the other hand, had a lot of problems. She bitched about being named Dlisted’s “Hot Slut of the Day” – because she’s not a slut. She complained about the harsh judging. I had thought that Tammie was “quirky” – but now I think she’s just plain insane.

Akashia actually gained points in my book. She explained where her tough exterior comes from (family issues) – and her whole “Bitch” routine ended up making a lot more sense.

When it was Ru’s turn to talk to Jade – OF COURSE all Ru could talk about was Jade’s Pinga Grande. RuPaul is officially a Size Queen. And you KNOW Ru made Jade whip it out when the cameras stopped rolling.

Next up, Ongina, Shannel, and Rebecca joined the others. Ongina was her usual adorable self. Rebecca was her usual attractive self. And Shannel looked like someone’s Aunt Hedda going to her nephew's Bar Mitzvah. Oy.

Ongina talked about her moving revelation during the show that she was H.I.V.-positive. And AGAIN, the bitch made me cry. Shannel sat there – looking like the Belle of Boca Raton – and proceeded to talk about how fabulous she is, and how badly she was treated on the show. Miss Thang: This competition was not a search for the next drag EGO of the world – but the next drag SUPERSTAR. And you are not the one.

Shannel DID have a funny line – saying that during the female boxer makeover challenge that she turned “Mr. T into Donna Summer”. Which is so true...

Then Jade and Rebecca got into it – with allegations of tit-groping, face-scratching, and snatch-grabbing. Try saying THAT three times fast. Oh, and Rebecca gave Jade some green contacts or some shit. Then Shannel decides to add HER stank onto the pile. Seriously, it was like “Maury: The Drag Queen Episode!”.

Nina and Bebe join the others. Cameroooooooooon!!!!!

The question-and-answer session with fans produced one interesting tidbit. Aunt Shannel actually lost her Medusa-wig ON PURPOSE. Escandalo! Oh, and Shannel has to shave her hairy ass every other day. She must be eating Nina’s Taino Chicken.

Merle and Santino came onto the stage, and the queens start telling Santino what a buttlick he really is – especially Shannel. Santino fires back by dissing Shannel’s pants. Nina Garcia would be proud of her baby boy.

Then Out-of-Town Tammie Brown started bitching about how the judges called her a “Loser”, followed by something about walking children in the wilderness. Bitch is weird.

But RuPaul had ENOUGH of that negative talk. She reminded the girls that if they we less-than-fabulous, it was because THEY had forgotten how fabulous they really were. RuPaul reminded her “daughters” that RuPaul never forgets who she is – and SHE OWNS IT. Tammie responded by making faces at her Mama. Oh, and WTF WAS UP WITH TAMMIE’S HEADBAND?!?

Finally, it’s time to name the queen whom the viewers chose as “Miss Congeniality”. Nina Flowers wins the title, along with $1500 cash and a trip to Shannel’s hometown of Las Vegas. See, Nina won “udder tings” after all!

Finally, the girls lip-synch one last time – and RuPaul mentions the possibility of a New Season. Amber LeMay, Mistress Maddie, and Miss Ginger Grant: ARE YOU READY?!? Dust Bunny Drag Queens REPRESENT!


Eric Arvin said...

"Bitch is weird." LMAO!! I agree, but I still really like her. She would have been in my top 3 or 4.

mistress maddie said...

Mamie- the Boy-Toy has already asked! You never know. Could you see the three of uson there? Anywho, I thought the reunion was much better than the final show itself. I was still routing for the House of Flowers till the end. But my friend had told me that Bebe was to win half way throught the season so I guess his friend at Logo was right. I thought maybe he was just sayin' to throw us off. And I did like Bebe a ton, but Nina's personality sold me long ago. And the bitch is just fierce! And I think she may be coming to Philly! And I love Tammie Brown but what a downer on the reunion:(


Marker said...

J'adore Cazwell. He is hot.

Amber LeMay said...

Hey FTD - (no, I'm not bitter for not winning the bunny painting...)

First, I thought it was "Covergirl, but some BASE in your walk"... base as in make-up foundation... But is Ru that clever?

I think the producers did a good job of showing Rebecca f'ing up backstage, but coming across normal in front of others - leading us to think that she may squeak through. But, what a bitch SHE is!! Or clueless, I'm not sure.

For the reunion, I was disappointed with Tammy as well. Wonder if they all painted together and spent time before and after the show.

As for appearing in the next season... I'm afraid I'd go the route of Pork Chop and be out of their fast. But it would be fun!

Kailyn said...

The reunion was one of the best of its type I have ever seen. Hell. It was the best.

Thank you for mentioning that headband. The whole time watching the show, I'm like, "Why the hell does she have that thing on her head?" Maybe she had a few drinks beforehand like that drunken headband episode on Top Chef.

And I absolutely loved it when Ru read those whining bitches. I am so going to use that in the future. "When people say that you're not fabulous, it's because you have you forgotten that you are. So it's your fault and not theirs."

Howard said...

Maddie, if Miss Flowers coMes to Philly I will meet you there!

Frankly, I was shocked by how many of the ladies last night forgot to take their meds.

Wonder Man said...

I didn't think I would like the show but now I miss it.

Joy said...

Yeah about the headband! What was that? Enjoyed the reunion show!

Bittybis said...

God how I love Nina. Love Bebe too and get why she won, but my heart belongs to Miss Nina Flowers.

Akashia gave us "Bitch, I took off work. I'm here." so all her subsequent shade is forgiven.

Shannel reminds me of so many talented performers I know who limit themselves by thinking they are better than they really are. Prissy, prissy, prissy.

Miss Tammie Brown makes me want to look away from the TV in embarrassment. I guess that's good TV. I don't know.

Love, love, love Pork Chop, Ongina, and Jade. Too bad Pork Chop didn't stick around a little longer.

Bittybis said...

Oh, and who's the queen in the Cazwell video?

thegayte-keeper said...

only got to see the Grand Finale (stupid Bahamas) but I hope there is another season

Mark in DE said...

See, this is why I don't recap shows. YOU ARE JUST SO DAMN GOOD AT IT!!

Like Eric, I still like Tammie Brown. I liked how she stood up to Akashia, saying "I thinks its appauling, and it hurt my feelings".

Ongina needs to turn off the waterworks. I swear, I liked her, but enough is enough. Put on a wig like a real drag queen and quit crying.

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