Make Me A Supermodel Episode Four - OMG ... BOOTY!!

On last week’s Make Me a Supermodel, Kerryn flirted shamelessly with Colin-the-Virgin and won immunity – although those two things weren’t necessarily related. Karen gave the judges the Crazy Eyes and was sent home. And Gabriel (below) revealed that he can only express emotion through the creative use of underwear…

Which TOTALLY works for me.

This week, the models wake up to a computer message from Tyson. Tyson will be out of town, and he instructs the models to also prepare to possibly leave town. They are told to pack a small bag and bring it to the photo shoot challenge.

The modeltestants arrive at the studio for the photo shoot and are greeted by Hostess Nicole. She announces that former model and Baywatch “actor” Michael Bergin will fill in for Tyson this week.

Shawn (“the gay one”) involuntarily clutches the pearls and exclaims “Whoa!” when he spots the object of his childhood Baywatch dreams. Actually, Bergin has matured from Prettyboy to Hot Daddy quite nicely…


Nicole & Michael explain that the modeltestants will be shooting with photographer Indira Cesarine. They will each be photographed while looking in the mirror. Cesarine instructs that she doesn’t want “pretty” – she wants “memorable, confrontational, and raw”. I just hope Gabriel brought the correct underwear.

There will be two winners of this challenge – and the winners will get a very special prize. They will immediately be whisked away to Montreal to audition for spot in Montreal’s Fashion Week.

Jonathan is up first – and mentions that he recently lost a friend. Jonathan is instructed to express that emotion while looking in the mirror. Personally, I can’t express emotion in the mirror unless I’m sticking my tongue out – so I guess they’ll never make ME a Supermodel.

Sandhurst is next – and we find out that he has "issues" with his image. Mind you, this is what Sandhurst sees every morning when he looks in the mirror…


He’s joking, right? He has a PROBLEM with that?? Try looking at THIS mess every morning…


Ooooooh, sometimes that’s A LOT to deal with before breakfast. But seriously – Sandhurst needs to stop that “I’m not comfortable with how I look” noise immediately.

Gabriel is next. But unfortunately he remains fully clothed, so Gabriel is unable to show the correct emotions. Gabriel even speaks about his father’s sudden death like he was discussing what kind of pizza to order. Let that boy wear his emotional skivvies!!

Eighteen-year-old Branden, who isn’t quite sure where Montreal is, tells the photographer that he wanted to be a Fire Fighter when he was “young” (AKA – “ten minutes ago”). The photog runs with this concept, and basically takes picture of young Branden “playing Fireman” in the mirror. Afterwards she gives him milk and cookies and lays him down for naptime.

Laury, Salome (did she mention she was raised Mennonite?), and Jordan go next. And YES, Jordan is starting to show the stank, a la Project Runway’s Kenley. You can all stop emailing me now (I kid ... I kid!!).

Backstage, horny Kerryn grabs a handful of Colin’s virgin Kibbles and Bits – calling this her “pet project”. I like a gal who sets goals. Afterwards, Colin’s photo shoot doesn’t go so well. Maybe Kerryn should have used two hands.

Kerryn and Mountaha go next – followed by Shawn. Shawn is 30 years-old, and this is really his last opportunity to make it in the world of modeling. During the photo shoot, Shawn decided that “showing emotion” amounted to screaming like he was passing a kidney stone. Not cute.

Finally, Amanda – who has issues about leaving her infant son to further her career – is told to simply “dance” in front of the mirror. Shit, I could have done that – especially if they played anything by CeCe Penniston while I busted my move. “FIN-AL-LY, it’s happened to me, right in front of my face, my feelin's can't describe it”. Yes, I’m stuck in the 90’s, but my winning ass would have been on my way to Montreal. Maybe they COULD make me a Supermodel after all...

Afterwards the books are handed out and the winners are announced. Amanda and Branden have won the long-distance go-see, and each can take someone with them. Amanda takes Mountaha, and Baby Boy Branden takes Colin-the-Virgin. And off they go to the Great White North.

The losers go back to the apartment to talk shit about Amanda, Branden, Mountaha, and Colin. Bitter bitches…

The four winners end up on a bus (budget cuts at Bravo??), heading to Montreal. Amanda speculates that Canada is the same as the United States – except Canadians say “eh” a lot. Which is pretty much spot on – except she forgot to mention that Canadian money looks fake.

Big, bald Cory meets them at the Montreal version of “the tents” – and the girls and boys meet separate designers. All four models are asked to demonstrate their walk, and they try on some clothes. In the end, all four are booked for the shows.

Before the runway show begins, Colin ends up and chatting with some pretty young French-Canadian thang. Play on, Player! Even Branden is hating on Colin’s game. That is, until it is revealed that the P.Y.T. is REALLY young – as in 16-years-young.

The models get changed into their outfits backstage before the show. WAIT A SECOND. Seriously, hold the friggin’ phone. DID WE JUST SEE BRANDEN’S 18-YEAR-OLD BOOTY??? Is that even legal? Oh heaven help me, it was cute too!!! I am officially a Dirty Old Queen.

What were we talking about again? Oh WHO CARES, I just saw an ass you’ll be able to bounce a quarter off of FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS!! I should wrap this shit up right now and go home a winner…

Anywhore, the four of them all walked for Montreal Fashion Week – and they all did great. Eventually they make it back to NYC (express bus??) and join the others.

It’s time for the Catwalk Challenge. Nicole explains that this week’s runway exercise will be inspired by Alexander McQueen-style “freaky chic”. This is what it boils down to: tattered clothes, ugly makeup, and weird walking. Animal horns and rubber-tubing accessories are optional. Simple, ain’t it?!?

Nicole demonstrates the “special” walk they will be asked to do – and the models practice. This isn’t going to be pretty.

The judges for the Catwalk Challenge are introduced: Model-scout Marlon (not Tito, not Rebbie - MARLON), fugly sunglass-wearer Perou, model Jenny Shimizu, and special guest judge – model Maggie Rizer.

The bitches walk, and it’s a HOT MESS. Gabriel's underwear was covered – so you can imagine how that went. Laury, who actually did well, decided to incorporate some of her Haitian background in her walk. However, I’m not so sure her fellow Haitians will appreciate “Haitian” being likened to “freak”. And poor Gay Shawn moved like he was on his 10th ecstasy-fueled hour of dancing at an after-hours club. You know, when you start slowing down and your body movements aren’t relevant to ANYTHING.

The results come in. Salome, CJ, Jordan, Mountaha, Gabriel (!), and Kerryn are safe.

The judges chat with the remaining models. Jenny Shimizu cracked me up when she told Shawn that he looked like he was “trying to open a jar” on the runway. Ecstasy will to that to a queen … or so I’ve been told.

Then the judges decided to gang up on Amanda. Jenny said that her blowing-kisses-on-the-runway was rather porn-ish, and then Perou had to add his stank. Perou REALLY annoys me, with his Elton John sunglasses and his Waldorf=Astoria Bellhop outfits. Anywhoo, this commentary really gets to Amanda, who starts crying. Then Maggie Rizer boards the Stank Express, saying “THERE’S NO CRYING IN MODELING!”. Maggie went to the Naomi Campbell School of Making Friends and Influencing People. Let’s just hope the bitch doesn’t have a cell phone handy.

On the other hand, Miss Rizer is certainly nice to the boys. She didn’t mind Jonathan’s runway interpretation of MC Hammer, or Colin’s weak performance. And Maggie practically threw her “cute” 18-year-old sister at cute 18-year-old Branden. Wait till her sister sees that ass. Oh Lord, I am a total pervert…

The judges discuss amongst themselves. Jenny states that even if Shawn were ALONE, he shouldn’t have been bustin’ those moves. It’s not looking good for the last remaining Gay on the runway.

Results are in. FreakyHaitian Laury and ButtUgly Sandhurst are safe. And despite the fact that Branden’s booty will “end up” (ba dum bum!) in the Boy Booty Hall of Fame, Jonathan and his MC Hammer pants win the challenge.

This leaves Colin, Amanda, and Shawn – and it’s obvious that Shawn will be going home. Amanda has already won two photo shoots, and Colin is a cute guy who might just lose his virginity on camera. THINK OF THE RATINGS!!

Sure enough, Shawn will be returning home to his husband. But let me ask you this, is Bravo even allowed to air a show without any Gays? Isn’t that part of their FCC Charter or some shit??? If anyone has any information on this, please email it to me… along with a screen capture of Branden’s booty…


Next week on M.M.A.S.M., the model’s do a “ménage a tois” photo shoot and Perou wears the fugliest sunglasses in the entire history of Fugliness.