Make Me A Supermodel - Episode Three - No Half-Assin'

Last week on Make Me A Supermodel, the models got made up to look like candy, and I got a sugar-induced toothache. Tabitha the HairBitch made an appearance in order to terrify the modeltestants and satisfy the “You must appear on every Bravo reality show” clause in her contract. Branden won immunity, and androgynous-but-boring Chris was sent home.

It’s morning in New York, and the first person we see is a shirtless Sandhurst. They could just freeze that shot for an hour, and I’d be satisfied. Sandhurst and Laury check the computer, and sure enough … “They’ve Got ModelMail!”. The computer tells them not to “miss the bus” at 9:30 am.

Since they have less than an hour, everyone scrambles to get ready. Straight boy Branden has to wash the mudd mask off his face, and it’s nice to see that our Homosexual Recruiting Program is working. Gorgeous-but-boring Gabriel, as always, is wearing nothing but underwear – but this time without his most interesting asset … his friend Woody (below)…

Look at the little fella GROW! The models go outside and pile into a yellow school bus. Twenty-one year-old virgin Colin tells us that he hasn’t been on a school bus since …?... he was IN SCHOOL. Why does he always mention where he HASN’T been … on a school bus, in a vajayjay, etc.? Emphasize the positive!

They arrive at a football field for their photoshoot challenge. There is a big metal rig set up with cables, so the models can be photographed showing motion in mid-air. Amanda is psyched – she comes from a family of athletes, and once competed in the Special … er … JUNIOR Olympics.

Sandhurst is also excited – and wants to do some Matrix shit on that rig. Question: is it just me, or does Sandhurst’s voice sometimes sound like a Jamaican doing a Bill Cosby impression? Listen for it next time. I’m waiting for Sandhurst to tell us all about delicious Jello Pudding Pops, Mon.

The photographer puts the models into groups, and of course no one wants to work with CJ. Last week, CJ was forced by Tabitha to change her hair color from “porn star blonde” to “model brunette” (see pic below) – and she never really got over it. It doesn’t help that the other girls talk incessantly behind CJ’s back, and don’t seem to be interested in befriending her.

The high-flying photoshoot takes place. People smack into each other, Branden hurts his “down in this area” (where his brains are), and Miss Laury takes charge. Laury’s “not gonna have no half-assin’”. There’s a T-Shirt in there somewhere – and I want one. The photoshoot ends with the traditional “gather round and talk shit about CJ behind her back”.

They go back to the apartment, and we see CJ calling her father on the phone. This is also known as Bravo code for “your ass might be eliminated this week”. CJ’s Dad sounds like the nicest man on the planet, and wants to make sure his daughter is “having fun”. CJ responds by talking about her usual “social malfunctioning” – and I’m starting to think maybe CJ isn’t a total bitch. Maybe she’s just awkward around other people, which is something I can totally relate to. That’s why I’m such a fierce blogger – because I don’t have to get face-to-face with you bitches!

In the apartment, we also see the (heterosexual) flirting that is brewing. Gabriel and his Woody are flirting with Amanda, and Miss Kerryn has pretty much volunteered to knock Colin out of the 21-Year-Old Virgin Club. And knock him out HARD. She is so blatant, that I am making her an honorary Gay Man for going for it so publicly and without apology. You GO girl/guy!!

Nicole arrives with the pictures from the photoshoot. The winner of the photoshoot will get a “go-see”, which is a modeling interview. Gabriel and his friend Woody aren’t happy with their picture – and for some reason Gabriel blames “Communism”. I didn’t realize Bill O’Reilly had a son who models.

Amanda wins – and gets an appointment with Bloomingdale's. Laury thinks SHE should have won, and that Amanda was just half-assin’. Laury’s not gonna have no half-assin, bitches. Don’t even try it.

Amanda takes Kerryn with her to meet with the Bloomingdale's’ people. They likee Amanda, and almost booked her for a job. Kerryn, on the other hand, they no likee. They said she didn’t “own the clothes”. WELL MAYBE SHE DIDN’T BRING HER CREDIT CARD! Retail bitches can be SO nasty…

While Amanda and Kerryn tried to advance their modeling careers, the losers played games back at the apartment. They did a “fun” photoshoot, which required human pyramids, feather boas, and Gabriel (again, without his friend Woody) gallivanting around, as usual, in his underwear.

It seems that while Gabriel possesses no personality (his friend Woody has all of it), Gabe DOES have a philosophy about underwear. “It’s important to have good underwear”, he says. Gabriel added that you can show “levels of intensity” through your underwear. I don’t know about intensity, but Gabe has shown us ONE thing through his underwear.


His buddy Woody! At one point during the “game” they show Gabriel jumping rope in nothing but his loaded-with-intensity undies. Oh yeah Gabe … jump that rope. Jump it like a little monkey… oh yeah. Who’s a BAD jumpin’ monkey?!? That’s right … just like THAT…

Sorry, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, that cheesy Supermodel show on Bravo. Anywhore, it’s time for the runway challenge. This week they will be modeling futuristic undies, with architectural accessories that look very Mad Max-esque. And at the end of the runway, the models will be required to strike an “athletic pose”.

Judges are introduced. Model-scout Marlon (one name, like “Charo”), model Jenny Shimizu, photographer and horrible-dresser Perou (one name, like "Liberace), and filling in for Catherine Malandrino this week – Tabitha (one name, like "Bitch").

The models walk. Some are good, some are horrible. Everyone except Jonathan, Amanda, Gabriel, Sandhurst, Salome, Karen, and Kerryn are told they are safe.

The judges speak to the models. They likee Jonathan’s codpiece (I just BET they do). They no likee Salome this week – after doing so well during weeks one and two. They REALLY likee Kerryn – but the other “Karen”, not so much. It seemed that instead of striking an athletic pose at the end of the runway, Karen decided to give the judges the crazy-eyes…


OK, that’s not really Karen – it’s Top Chef’s Carla. But Carla WAS a model at one time. Maybe they went to the same Modeling School?!?

Sandhurst, Amanda and Salome are safe. Jonathan and Kerryn are the top two – and Kerryn wins. She will have immunity next week.

It is down to underwear-sporting, boner-popping Gabriel – and Crazy-Eyed Karen. The judges are “bored” with Gabriel (they should watch him jump rope in his undies!) – and said he has only one more chance to impress them. Karen is the loser and will be taking those crazy-eyes home. Host Tyson, in that deep voice of his, gives Karen an “I’m sorry, baby”, before she walks away. That would have made the whole trip worth it, in my book.

Next week, Kerryn-The-Winner decides to grab Colin’s crotch. Kerryn is such a fag. Until then, bitches!

Note: Screen-caps blatantly stolen from TLO at Project Rungay. Sorry boys, but if you're going to post boner pics, you KNOW I'm going to steal them. :)