Supermodel Branden Speaks!

Tom & Lorenzo recently interviewed the winner of Make Me A Supermodel Season 2 - Branden Rickman. Check it out HERE.

Bootleg Blogging - Branden Rickman = SUPERMODEL

I am currently experiencing testicle technical difficulties with my computer - so I am Bootleg Blogging from a secure and secret location.

Congratulations to Branden Rickman for winning Make Me a Supermodel – Season 2. I know some people are upset by Branden’s surprise win, but I am happy for him. There is just something so sweet about youthful enthusiasm and joy – something Branden posseses in large quantities.

What sealed the deal for me last night was when Branden and his Mom (below) rolled into the Soho art gallery and began jumping up and down and yelling with excitement when they saw his photos. That’s NOT the way a Guest of Honor at an Art Opening usually acts, and I thought it was hysterical and adorable.

And then there's this...

Considering Branden is only 18-years-old – and I now reside in Pervertsville – I can’t help but be happy for the cutie (and his booty).

What did you think of the show last night?

Last photo courtesy of Tom & Lorenzo. You can check out their Finale recap HERE.

Make Me A Supermodel - All Male Finale

I only saw the last few minutes of Make Me A Supermodel, but I felt so bad for Mountaha (above) - who was sent home. I think that of all the models this season, she improved the most. And that bitch was FIERCE on the runway

So this means it will only be boys in the final...

Did you see the show last night? What did you think?

In other reality show news: I must tell you how absolutely thrilled I am to NOT be watching The Fashion NO tonight. Seriously, I would rather be doing anything else than watching that mess...

Make Me A Supermodel - Booty Show!!

Need I say more? Check out Tom & Lorenzo's commentary on the latest episode of MMASM HERE.

Adam Loses - Sandhurst Remains

Adam Lambert lost American Idol!! I was shocked - even though I didn't really follow the show, it was obvious when Adam and Kris sung side-by-side that Adam is WAY more talented. Let the "did he lose because he was gay?" debate begin...

In other news, although Tyson said Sandhurst (below) had "the body of a supermodel, but the face of an accountant" (oh SNAP!), Sandhurst remained on Make Me A Supermodel. Former Mennonite Salome was sent home.

Make Me A Supermodel - "It Was, Like, So Time for, Like, Amanda to Go"

I know I said I'm not recapping MMASM anymore, but I had to say a few words about the parts of the show I saw last night.

First of all, it was obvious that this was the show where Amanda was getting eliminated. It was simply time for her to go home. But I hate it when Bravo has to drag out a full hour to get to an elimination we already know is going to happen. They should have sent Colin AND Amanda home last week - so we didn't have to waste a full episode.

Speaking of Amanda ... did she say she walks around naked in front of her infant son because she doesn't want him to be gay?!? Seriously?!? Let's break that down: you want your son to LIKE VAGINA when he grows up - so you are showing him YOURS??? ATTENTION CHILD SERVICES!!!

Maybe it's just me, but that creeps me out. And heaven forbid a gay mom or dad did something similar. Although Amanda might be right - Mama Bunny CERTAINLY didn't parade around naked in front of me, and I'm gay as Sunday Brunch on Gay Pride Day. Then again, my brother is straight. Whatever - Amanda's son may not end up gay, but he will definitely need therapy.

Anywhore, I felt bad for poor Branden ... HIS BALLS BLED IN THE NAME OF FASHION! - and he misses his Mommy. Branden is so tall and has such a deep voice that I forget he's only 18 years old. BTW, he is definitely straight ... many of us Gays master the art of shaving the kibbles and bits after we get our fifth pubic hair.

Finally, considering this was "The Naked Episode", I didn't think it was very sexy. Yes, Jonathan's ass looks great - but ho-hum. And did ya'll think it was weird that Tyson was all up in the guy's stuff talking about "you look great" and "good job" - while the photographer was telling them to relax their butt cheeks? I own DVDs that start out like that, but they certainly don't end with a stupid blond woman leaving a catwalk ...

Check out Tom & Lorenzo's take (complete with sexy pics) HERE.

The People Have Spoken...

Yesterday I posed the question to the BunnyNation as to whether or not I should recap Bravo's The Fashion Show instead of the rather boring Make Me A Supermodel. By an overwhelming majority, you seem to want me to recap The Fashion Show (below) - so I will.

I apologize for not being able to do both - but I just don't have the time. For EXCELLENT Make Me A Supermodel recaps, I suggest you check out the new and improved Tom & Lorenzo (formerly Project Rungay). Bitches, you should be reading their blog anyway - they are hysterical. They will also be covering The Fashion Show - go HERE and enjoy.

In other blogging news, our friends at Blogging Project Runway have started a new blog: Blogging Bravo - which covers all the goings-on at our favorite network. Check them out HERE.

I'll have more information about tonight's premiere of The Fashion Show this afternoon. Also, check back a little later for a few words about last night's Make Me A Supermodel. NO, it's not a recap!

Watch what happens, bitches!

Reality Show/Life Updates

The Fashion Show starts next week on Bravo - and The New York Post published an article this week about the new show. Unlike Project Runway, it seems that some of the runway judging will be done by semi-ordinary people (gasp!). Read the story HERE. And YES, I do plan on recapping The Fashion Show when I can ...

Next, as most of you have heard by now, Top Chef Season Six will be based in Las Vegas...

No, this gentleman will not be one of the Cheftestants. I wish! Speaking of Top Chef, judge Toby Young busted his face in a car accident. Go to Dust Bunny Kayce's blog - Chef The City - to see the gruesome picture. And NO, I was not happy that he got hurt - I am not that evil ... at least not today.

Finally, my busy schedule caught up with me last night - and I couldn't stay awake for Make Me A Supermodel.

So no MMASM recap this week. I feel bad because it was nice to actually write something last week, but right now I am just too busy. I have been concentrating other priorities - like trying to get laid healthy, and keeping my job.

On a positive note, since my weekend freakout I have been VIGILANT about my food intake, and I've exercised every day. And I never do this, but I guarantee to bring you good news on Monday for my "Weigh-In". I have not given up, and I'm feeling pretty damn good, actually.

"Hey YOU, Don't Forget To Watch..."

Don't forget to watch Make Me A Supermodel tonight on Bravo at 10pm. I have work obligations during the day on Thursday - so look for my recap sometime Thursday evening or Friday.

Evil Beeyotch Maggie Rizer returns tonight ... along with farm animals!! Watch what happens, bitches!

Make Me A Supermodel Episode 7 - "I Say Tahari, You Say Tahini"

Last time on Make Me A Supermodel, the modeltestants jumped into a pool with a nice old man and got their pictures taken. Jordan won the photo shoot, Sandhurst won the catwalk competition, and sourpuss Gabriel went home – causing Amanda much sorrow.

It’s morning in NYC, and Amanda still has a case of the sads because her only friend, Gabriel, is gone. Jordan – who hates Amanda – thinks that Miss Thang should get over it. And I, for once, agree with Jordan.

The models get their computer-clue about the photo shoot challenge – which says the photographer has shot Madonna, Andy Warhol, and Yves St. Laurent. Miss Mennonite Salome has no idea who Warhol is – but she has heard of Madonna (the mother of Our Lord) and St. Laurent (the river that runs between Canada and the U.S.). The Mennonites aren’t known for their pop culture knowledge, obvs.

They head over to Element nightclub in Manhattan for the photo shoot. They will be photographed by Roxanne Lowit – who has been partying with (and photographing) celebrities since the 1960's. She looks pretty good, considering…

Anywhore, the theme of this photo shoot with be “60’s Mod” – they will re-create a 60’s party scene, in pairs. Time to choose partners…

Branden is picked first, and he chooses Sandhurst because “he’s a good looking guy”. But please note for the record that this does NOT make Branden a “homosexual”. We get it kid; you’re not a fag – stop selling it.

Jonathan picks Jordan, and Colin picks Kerryn. Kerryn is thrilled, since she’s been trying to get a piece of Virgin Colin since day one.

Mountaha picks Salome, which leaves Amanda and Laury to work together. Then Tyson informs the models that this week will be a double elimination – two people will be going home.

We are introduced to stylist Rebecca Weinberg – who will give the models that 60’s Mod vibe through their outfits. Interesting tidbit: Rebecca Weinberg was romantically linked for years to designer Patricia Field – and the two of them collaborated on Sex and the City. In fact, Rebecca went by the name “Rebecca Field” until they broke off their romantic relationship. Rebecca and Patricia still work as partners professionally – but Rebecca is now known as “Rebecca Weinberg”. I would bet that Salome knows NOTHING about this…

While Rebecca is getting everyone into outfits, she asks four of the guys (Colin, Jonathan, Sandhurst and Branden) if they like really big boobs. Colin (who’s never seen real live boobs) likes them “medium sized” (safe answer). Jonathan likes his Hos “flat” (which is why he picked Jordan as his partner, I guess). Sandhurst answers with that weird staccato laugh, and affirmed heterosexual Branden yells “BOOBIES!”. Coincidentally, that is my reaction when I see Gail Simmons on Top Chef (below).

BOOBIES!

While Jonathan gets dressed, Tyson pays him a compliment, saying: “You’re handsome. If I was a girl, I’d date you”. Jonathan replies by saying that’s the compliment he’s been waiting for from Tyson. Cue the porno music, this is where chocolate and vanilla get deliciously busy…

Oh wait, this isn’t one of my DVD’s … damn. Let’s just say that if those two ever created the gay porno version of “Jungle Fever”, I’d never leave my apartment. EVER.

The photo shoot begins with Jordan and Jonathan, and they do great. Next up is Mountaha and Salome. Salome, of course, doesn’t know what the 60’s are, or what dancing is, or how a camera works, or where babies come from … so Mountaha has to give her a crash course. Some of the other models (especially Laury) start wondering if this is all just an act. Don’t worry Salome, I don’t know where babies come from either.

Avowed heterosexual boobie-lover Branden and Sandhurst are next. In a one-on-one interview, Branden refers to the two of them as “Brainhurst” (like “Brangelina”) but I wouldn’t exactly use the abbreviation “Brain” for Branden. After all, he answered a questioned with the word “BOOBIES!!”. Well, at least we know where his “brain” is located. Also, I SWEAR to you that Branden had a Kool-Aid mustache in the one-on-one interview. Seriously, go back and look.

BOOBIES!

Next up is Colin and Kerryn. They are having mucho problemos … Colin is too awkward, Kerryn has too much forehead, Colin won’t look at the camera, Kerryn keeps trying to stick a finger in Colin’s butt… things like that. The photographer no likee. Roxanne finally tells Colin to jump up and down, and tells Kerryn to throw her arms in the air and wave ‘em like she just don’t care. The results are not cute.

Finally, Amanda and Laury do their thing. I got one word to describe Laury’s photo shoot … “TEEF”. Let’s just say that when girlfriend was little and sang the “All I Want for Christmas is my TWO FRONT TEETH” song, the Toof Fairy granted her wish. Big time.

The next day, Cougar Amanda is trying to bond with Branden since Gabriel is gone. She tells him how she is doing this for her son, and to show single mothers they can live out their dreams. Braden basically tells the nice lady that she reminds him of his Mom – who is also a single mother. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you kill a Cougar.

Nicole shows up to the apartment with the books and Cory calls the winner of the photo shoot … which is … SALOME! Everyone is shocked – and Laury looks like she wants to sink those sharp teef into some Mennonite flesh. Even Mountaha, who coached Salome through her 60’s lessons, is a little pissed – although Salome picks Mountaha to accompany her on the go-see.

Salome and Mountaha will meet with Rory Tahari – Vice Chairman and Creative Director of fashion label Elie Tahari. Of course, in the car on the way to the appointment Mountaha has to explain to Salome that Tahari is not “Tahini”, which is sesame paste used in Middle Eastern cooking.

I would imagine the House of Tahini has a completely different fashion sense than the House of Tahari.

House of Tahari…

House of Tahini…

Anywhore, when they arrive, Rory Tahari and her minions can’t seem to be bothered to correctly pronounce “Salome”. Both girls walk for them, but Rory is a Class A BEEYOTCH … making catty comments about Salome’s walk and Mountaha’s stern look. Rory is one of those bitches who says something nasty but then laughs afterwards – which is somehow supposed to make the nastiness OK. It’s the kind of thing Kenley did on Project Runway when she would talk stank to Tim Gunn. I HATE bitches like that.

Needless to say, evil Rory doesn’t book the gals for the show. That’s ok, they are much friendlier at the House of Tahini anyway. And they have better hummus.

The next day, the models arrive on the runway for the catwalk challenge. This week, each model will work with a designer/stylist who will have 4 minutes to create “instant couture” on them. At the end of the four minutes, the models will “battle” against their partners (from the photo shoot challenge) on the runway. This challenge is like a combination of Project Runway and RuPaul’s Drag Race … without the gays or drag queens. In other words … BORING!

Salome and Mountaha are first. They each have a stylist/designer taping crap to their bodies … and after four minutes they walk these messes down the runway. Both girls do great – and their outfits actually look kind of fierce.

Next up: “Brainhurst”. Sandhurst’s designer is my kind of gal – once the clock starts she tells Sandhurst to “Take your shirt off, and get on your knees”. I wish my last couple of dates had gone like that. On the runway, Sandhurst has a grand old time since he has immunity.

Amanda and Laury are next – and I feel SO sorry for poor Laury. Her stylist (from the “House of Land Fill”) has taped trash bags all over her. Naomi Friggin' Campbell couldn’t have walked that mess down the runway without looking foolish.

Colin and Kerryn are next – and both do horribly. Finally, Jordan and Jonathan do their thing, and even though Jonathan’s outfit is ridiculous, he still manages to look hot. But I wonder how he would have looked in those trash bags?

The judges are introduced, and OH HAPPY DAY, we don’t have to suffer through Perou’s asshattery this week. Rebecca Weinberg is filling in for him, and Catherine Malandrino (and her sexy French accent) is back.

Heterosexual Brandon, Mountaha, and Jonathan are safe – and they leave the runway. The judges likee Salome, Jordan, and Sandhurst. They no likee Colin, Kerryn, Amanda and Laury.

The judges deliberate, and the results are announced. Salome is the winner this week, and will have immunity next week. Backstage, Mountaha explains to Salome what a “winner” is, and what “immunity” means, and that babies are delivered by FedEx.

Sandhurst and Jordan are safe. This leaves Colin, Kerryn, Amanda and Laury – and two of them will go home.

Colin and Amanda are safe, meaning Kerryn will have to remove her finger from Colin’s butt and go home. Also, Laury and her two front teef must hit the road.

Backstage, Laury refuses to hug Salome and decides to tell it like it T-I-IS. Laury tells Salome she is “fake” and “full of shit” before walking out the door. And, believe it or not, Salome seemed to understand EXACTLY what she meant.


Next week we have barnyard animals, and the return of that BEEYOTCH Maggie Rizer. I don’t know what’s worse…

Make Me A Supermodel Returns Tonight

Make Me A SuperDuper Model returns to Bravo tonight at 10:00 pm after a one-week hiatus. Look for my recap sometime tomorrow afternoon.

Watch what happens, Bitches!

Make Me A Supermodel - Episode 6 - Could You Relax Your Jaw A Little Bit?

On last week’s episode of Make Me a Supermodel, Jonathan won the Military Ménage à Trois photoshoot – which resulted in a 2Xist underwear booking. Kerryn won the catwalk challenge and immunity. CJ finally got her sour ass sent home.

In the morning, the modeltestants prepare for their photoshoot challenge. Gabriel – who won’t smile unless he thinks he’s being funny – smiles and remarks about how much CJ “will be missed”. What an unfunny Douche.

The models pile into vans and end up in the suburbs in someone’s backyard. It’s 45 degrees outside, but these bitches are going to be photographed in a pool, underwater.

We are introduced to photographer Howard Schatz – who strips down to his Speedo to photograph the models. Normally, having a half-naked older man photographing young men and women underwater would send up all kinds of red flags. But the models will be wearing clothes (unlike the photographer), and furthermore, Howard seems like the sweetest man on the planet.

Salome starts to freak out, because she can’t swim. Wait a second – don't they allow swimming in the Mennonite religion? Why didn’t she ever jump into the local swimming hole with the other kids?? Seriously – when you don’t have video games and computers, I would think swimming would be high on a Mennonite kid’s “To Do” list.

Sweet Uncle Howard allows Salome to stay in the water to get used to it. The others begin their photoshoots, and Sandhurst tries to help Salome by giving her a hug and a pep talk. I’m not used to Reality Show people being so nice. Hell, Christian would barely give a spare zipper to Ricky on Project Runway – let alone give him a pep talk. I need more Stank!!

One of the themes of this week’s episode was “Branden’s cockiness”. Look, the kid is 18 years old, tall, and gorgeous. And two episodes ago we found out he had an ass that dreams were made of. If I looked like Branden, I would be STILL be living in Calvin Klein my Sugar Daddy’s penthouse. With my perky butt hanging out of some ass-less designer leather chaps.

Branden says that Howard told him “All I had to do was look pretty. That’s what I do best, bitch”. Note to Branden, it’s pronounced “Bee-YOTCH”. You’re gonna need to remember that if you want to escape from the clutches of Calvin Klein make it in fashion.

The models take turns submerging themselves and getting their pictures taken underwater. Sweet Howard generally has nice things to say about everyone – except Laury and Gabriel. Surprise, surprise … he instructs Gabriel to “show emotion”. Gabriel showed “asshattery” this morning when he talked smack about the departed CJ … but is asshattery an emotion??

When it is Salome’s turn, Howard is extra-understanding and patient. Miss Mennonite is determined to do this, despite almost drowning at one point. In the background you could hear Howard yelling “Someone help her! What’s with you guys!!?!!”. Howard obviously doesn’t want to add a dead Mennonite girl to his photography resume.

When the photoshoot is over, everyone returns to the apartment. Amanda and Gabriel continue their kissy-face act – and Amanda confides in Gabe about her Babydaddy drama back home. Amanda says Gabriel is her “rock”, and she is thankful for meeting him. What kind of a douchebag is Amanda’s Babydaddy, if Gabriel is such a Prince by comparison?!?

The next morning we see Gabriel and Jonathan doing ab-crunches in the gym, while Mack Daddy Branden eats bacon covered in ketchup. Nicole rings the doorbell, and Brandon, undoubtedly aroused by his pork and condiments breakfast, answers the doorbell. I’m sure “morning wood” is the operative phrase here – as young Master Branden has been lusting over supermodel Nicole for a while now.

Nicole passes out the books. She tells Colin that HIS photo is going to get the 21-year-old virgin laid. Now Colin is sporting some wood of his own.

She asks Salome about her underwater experience, to which she answers “I survived”. Everyone claps proudly because Salome overcame her fear. But in a one-on-one interview, Amanda remarks “Who cares?!?”. Now THERE'S some of the stank I was looking for!

Cory calls, and announces that Jordan has won a go-see at People’s Revolution – a fashion P.R. firm. Jordan selects Salome to go with her, supposedly because of her accomplishment in the pool. But Salome is no dumb Mennonite – she remarks that Jordan (the prototypical ‘clothes-hanger with legs’ skinny model) picked the 'fattest' girl to go with her.

Jordan and Salome jump in the van and head to their go-see. Of course they end up discussing the other modeltestants, and Jordan – whose stank rivals that of Project Runway’s Kenley – gives Salome one simple instruction: “If I ever get a big head, you need to tell me”…

The look on Salome’s face was priceless. You could see that Salome was fast-forwarding through every instance of big-headery that Jordan has displayed thus far. Salome was so overwhelmed that she only managed to respond with a weak “Ok…”.

They get to the casting, and Jordan’s “Surround Yourself with Fat Bitches” plan works like a charm. She booked the show, and Salome does not. Salome had the AUDACITY to be a “Small”, and not an “Xtra Small”. Jordan, on the other hand, looks like a walking tribute to Karen Carpenter – and of course the fashion wenches at People’s Revolution reward her for being grossly skinny. I wish Salome would have cut a (skinny) bitch. But do Mennonites know how to stab??

Salome goes home and gets on the treadmill. Thank goodness, because “Small” is just disgustingly overweight. This is why I fucking hate fashion. I’m a XXXL (at least) – so that must make me The Empire State Building, The Sear’s Tower, and The Mall of America all rolled into one. I need a Big Mac … now I’m depressed.

Speaking of eating, that evening the modeltestants settle in for a relaxing night of pasta-gorging and beer pong. They better watch out, or they will end up “Small”, which everyone knows is too fat.

Amanda and Gabriel are playing that disgusting game of flirty-flirty, drinky-drinky that isn’t cute unless you’re one of the participants. They have little fights, then have little make-ups, then have another tiff. Beer DRAMA!!

The next day is the catwalk challenge. This week, the ladies will be “Fire” and will need to bring the heat. The men will be “Ice”, and must be sexycool.

David Ralph, a runway “Walking Coach”, will give them each one-on-one instruction on the fine art of walking the runway. I didn’t watch the show last season, so when they said “Walking Coach”, I pictured a big-ole Nelly Queen. Then Mr. Ralph came out, and he was just about the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And he had a British accent! Daddy needs to teach me how to walk ... to his apartment. That's him in the middle (below)...

I wonder if David can train that guy on the left to stop plucking his eyebrows. It looks like he went to the Beauty Shop and asked for the "Phyllis Diller Special".

Anywhore, after makeup and walking lessons, the models hit the catwalk. Salome’s dress was too small (“Small” is the new “Obese”), and Jordan couldn't do her “signature walk” in her too-tight skirt (Jeebus, Xtra-Small is even too big!). Wait, Jordan has a “signature walk”?!? This beeyotch thinks that she is Naomi Campbell already!

Poor Gabriel. When he walked down the catwalk, the judges literally held hands and chanted for him. Gabriel did try to do something with his face (besides looking stupid), but you could tell it almost killed him.

The judges are introduced: Marlon, Jenny, Perou (who I hate almost as much as Top Chef’s Toby Young) and Brazilian designer Alexandre Herchcovich.

The judges tell Mountaha, Salome, Laury, Branden, Sandhurst, Jordan, and Gabriel to stay on the runway. The rest are safe.

The judges really likee Sandhurst’s performance, although Brazilian Alexandre asked him to “relax his jaw”. Yeah, you know where this is going, so I’ll let you insert your own joke [HERE]. Thanks. The judges also really likee Mountaha – who speaks Portuguese onstage to the guest judge.

Perou (did I mention I HATE him?!?) decides to tell Salome that she is “Girlfriend Attractive” but not “Model Attractive”. Perou, on the other hand, is simply “Asshat Repulsive”. And I bet he’s an “Xtra Small”, if you smell what I’m stepping in. Actually, is there such a thing as XXS? Perou obviously tries to compensate for his “shortcomings” by wearing HUGE sunglasses…


It’s not working, Tiny.

The judges no likee Gabriel (SHOCKA!). Jenny remarked that when Gabriel tried to move his face, his eyes twitched. A little Botox would take care of that quite nicely.

The judges also didn’t likee Laury. She also had 'face issues', and Jenny told her to think of “Soft [Dust?] Bunnies” when she wants to relax her face. I wonder if that also works for relaxing someone’s jaw?...

The judges deliberate backstage. It’s obvious that Gabriel is in trouble, as is Laury. The judges all have a big laugh about taking cocky Branden down a peg this week. Fashion bitches are MEAN.

Time for the results. Jordan (with her skinny-ass “signature walk”) is safe. Sandhurst and Mountaha are the top two – and Sandhurst wins. He will have immunity next week.

Salome, despite being the size of a double-wide house trailer in the eyes of the fashion world, is safe.

That leaves Laury, Branden, and Gabriel. They tried to build tension by telling Laury that she was safe – leaving only Branden and Gabriel left. But there was NO WAY Branden was leaving – so Gabriel (and his fish-face) was sent home. Poor Branden looked like he was going to pass out until they announced he was safe.

Later, I'm sure the evil-ass judges had a good giggle about scaring poor Branden. Fashion bitches are MEAN.


Next time on M.M.A.S.M. – a DOUBLE elimination.

Make Me A Supermodel - Tonight

Don't forget to watch Make Me A Supermodel tonight on Bravo. I PROMISE to write a recap this time - it will be posted by tomorrow afternoon.

>P, b.
(for you newbies, that stands for "Peace, Bitch!")

White Meat Monday Supermodel of the Day - Jonathan Waud

As many of you know, Jonathan Waud is one of the modeltestants on the current season of Make Me A Supermodel.

Take a look at what Jonathan looked like BEFORE he became a model...

Did You Notice...

... that Anton Antipov (who was our Christmas Daddy of the Day) was at the 2Xist underwear model casting on Make Me A Supermodel last night?

Make Me A Supermodel - Good News & Bad News

I have some good news and some bad news about Make Me A Supermodel...

First, the bad news: I will not be writing a recap of last night's episode. I am just too busy at the job and otherwise. And YES, I know there was plenty of material for me to talk about from last night's show.

Here's the good news...

BRANDEN BOOTY from last week!! Thanks to TLo at Project Rungay for providing us with the screencap. Speaking of Project Rungay, keep checking back HERE for their always-hysterical MMASM recaps.

Feel free to discuss last night's episode in the comments sections.

Make Me A Supermodel Episode Four - OMG ... BOOTY!!

On last week’s Make Me a Supermodel, Kerryn flirted shamelessly with Colin-the-Virgin and won immunity – although those two things weren’t necessarily related. Karen gave the judges the Crazy Eyes and was sent home. And Gabriel (below) revealed that he can only express emotion through the creative use of underwear…

Which TOTALLY works for me.

This week, the models wake up to a computer message from Tyson. Tyson will be out of town, and he instructs the models to also prepare to possibly leave town. They are told to pack a small bag and bring it to the photo shoot challenge.

The modeltestants arrive at the studio for the photo shoot and are greeted by Hostess Nicole. She announces that former model and Baywatch “actor” Michael Bergin will fill in for Tyson this week.

Shawn (“the gay one”) involuntarily clutches the pearls and exclaims “Whoa!” when he spots the object of his childhood Baywatch dreams. Actually, Bergin has matured from Prettyboy to Hot Daddy quite nicely…


Nicole & Michael explain that the modeltestants will be shooting with photographer Indira Cesarine. They will each be photographed while looking in the mirror. Cesarine instructs that she doesn’t want “pretty” – she wants “memorable, confrontational, and raw”. I just hope Gabriel brought the correct underwear.

There will be two winners of this challenge – and the winners will get a very special prize. They will immediately be whisked away to Montreal to audition for spot in Montreal’s Fashion Week.

Jonathan is up first – and mentions that he recently lost a friend. Jonathan is instructed to express that emotion while looking in the mirror. Personally, I can’t express emotion in the mirror unless I’m sticking my tongue out – so I guess they’ll never make ME a Supermodel.

Sandhurst is next – and we find out that he has "issues" with his image. Mind you, this is what Sandhurst sees every morning when he looks in the mirror…


He’s joking, right? He has a PROBLEM with that?? Try looking at THIS mess every morning…


Ooooooh, sometimes that’s A LOT to deal with before breakfast. But seriously – Sandhurst needs to stop that “I’m not comfortable with how I look” noise immediately.

Gabriel is next. But unfortunately he remains fully clothed, so Gabriel is unable to show the correct emotions. Gabriel even speaks about his father’s sudden death like he was discussing what kind of pizza to order. Let that boy wear his emotional skivvies!!

Eighteen-year-old Branden, who isn’t quite sure where Montreal is, tells the photographer that he wanted to be a Fire Fighter when he was “young” (AKA – “ten minutes ago”). The photog runs with this concept, and basically takes picture of young Branden “playing Fireman” in the mirror. Afterwards she gives him milk and cookies and lays him down for naptime.

Laury, Salome (did she mention she was raised Mennonite?), and Jordan go next. And YES, Jordan is starting to show the stank, a la Project Runway’s Kenley. You can all stop emailing me now (I kid ... I kid!!).

Backstage, horny Kerryn grabs a handful of Colin’s virgin Kibbles and Bits – calling this her “pet project”. I like a gal who sets goals. Afterwards, Colin’s photo shoot doesn’t go so well. Maybe Kerryn should have used two hands.

Kerryn and Mountaha go next – followed by Shawn. Shawn is 30 years-old, and this is really his last opportunity to make it in the world of modeling. During the photo shoot, Shawn decided that “showing emotion” amounted to screaming like he was passing a kidney stone. Not cute.

Finally, Amanda – who has issues about leaving her infant son to further her career – is told to simply “dance” in front of the mirror. Shit, I could have done that – especially if they played anything by CeCe Penniston while I busted my move. “FIN-AL-LY, it’s happened to me, right in front of my face, my feelin's can't describe it”. Yes, I’m stuck in the 90’s, but my winning ass would have been on my way to Montreal. Maybe they COULD make me a Supermodel after all...

Afterwards the books are handed out and the winners are announced. Amanda and Branden have won the long-distance go-see, and each can take someone with them. Amanda takes Mountaha, and Baby Boy Branden takes Colin-the-Virgin. And off they go to the Great White North.

The losers go back to the apartment to talk shit about Amanda, Branden, Mountaha, and Colin. Bitter bitches…

The four winners end up on a bus (budget cuts at Bravo??), heading to Montreal. Amanda speculates that Canada is the same as the United States – except Canadians say “eh” a lot. Which is pretty much spot on – except she forgot to mention that Canadian money looks fake.

Big, bald Cory meets them at the Montreal version of “the tents” – and the girls and boys meet separate designers. All four models are asked to demonstrate their walk, and they try on some clothes. In the end, all four are booked for the shows.

Before the runway show begins, Colin ends up and chatting with some pretty young French-Canadian thang. Play on, Player! Even Branden is hating on Colin’s game. That is, until it is revealed that the P.Y.T. is REALLY young – as in 16-years-young.

The models get changed into their outfits backstage before the show. WAIT A SECOND. Seriously, hold the friggin’ phone. DID WE JUST SEE BRANDEN’S 18-YEAR-OLD BOOTY??? Is that even legal? Oh heaven help me, it was cute too!!! I am officially a Dirty Old Queen.

What were we talking about again? Oh WHO CARES, I just saw an ass you’ll be able to bounce a quarter off of FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS!! I should wrap this shit up right now and go home a winner…

Anywhore, the four of them all walked for Montreal Fashion Week – and they all did great. Eventually they make it back to NYC (express bus??) and join the others.

It’s time for the Catwalk Challenge. Nicole explains that this week’s runway exercise will be inspired by Alexander McQueen-style “freaky chic”. This is what it boils down to: tattered clothes, ugly makeup, and weird walking. Animal horns and rubber-tubing accessories are optional. Simple, ain’t it?!?

Nicole demonstrates the “special” walk they will be asked to do – and the models practice. This isn’t going to be pretty.

The judges for the Catwalk Challenge are introduced: Model-scout Marlon (not Tito, not Rebbie - MARLON), fugly sunglass-wearer Perou, model Jenny Shimizu, and special guest judge – model Maggie Rizer.

The bitches walk, and it’s a HOT MESS. Gabriel's underwear was covered – so you can imagine how that went. Laury, who actually did well, decided to incorporate some of her Haitian background in her walk. However, I’m not so sure her fellow Haitians will appreciate “Haitian” being likened to “freak”. And poor Gay Shawn moved like he was on his 10th ecstasy-fueled hour of dancing at an after-hours club. You know, when you start slowing down and your body movements aren’t relevant to ANYTHING.

The results come in. Salome, CJ, Jordan, Mountaha, Gabriel (!), and Kerryn are safe.

The judges chat with the remaining models. Jenny Shimizu cracked me up when she told Shawn that he looked like he was “trying to open a jar” on the runway. Ecstasy will to that to a queen … or so I’ve been told.

Then the judges decided to gang up on Amanda. Jenny said that her blowing-kisses-on-the-runway was rather porn-ish, and then Perou had to add his stank. Perou REALLY annoys me, with his Elton John sunglasses and his Waldorf=Astoria Bellhop outfits. Anywhoo, this commentary really gets to Amanda, who starts crying. Then Maggie Rizer boards the Stank Express, saying “THERE’S NO CRYING IN MODELING!”. Maggie went to the Naomi Campbell School of Making Friends and Influencing People. Let’s just hope the bitch doesn’t have a cell phone handy.

On the other hand, Miss Rizer is certainly nice to the boys. She didn’t mind Jonathan’s runway interpretation of MC Hammer, or Colin’s weak performance. And Maggie practically threw her “cute” 18-year-old sister at cute 18-year-old Branden. Wait till her sister sees that ass. Oh Lord, I am a total pervert…

The judges discuss amongst themselves. Jenny states that even if Shawn were ALONE, he shouldn’t have been bustin’ those moves. It’s not looking good for the last remaining Gay on the runway.

Results are in. FreakyHaitian Laury and ButtUgly Sandhurst are safe. And despite the fact that Branden’s booty will “end up” (ba dum bum!) in the Boy Booty Hall of Fame, Jonathan and his MC Hammer pants win the challenge.

This leaves Colin, Amanda, and Shawn – and it’s obvious that Shawn will be going home. Amanda has already won two photo shoots, and Colin is a cute guy who might just lose his virginity on camera. THINK OF THE RATINGS!!

Sure enough, Shawn will be returning home to his husband. But let me ask you this, is Bravo even allowed to air a show without any Gays? Isn’t that part of their FCC Charter or some shit??? If anyone has any information on this, please email it to me… along with a screen capture of Branden’s booty…


Next week on M.M.A.S.M., the model’s do a “ménage a tois” photo shoot and Perou wears the fugliest sunglasses in the entire history of Fugliness.