Make Me A Supermodel Episode 7 - "I Say Tahari, You Say Tahini"

Last time on Make Me A Supermodel, the modeltestants jumped into a pool with a nice old man and got their pictures taken. Jordan won the photo shoot, Sandhurst won the catwalk competition, and sourpuss Gabriel went home – causing Amanda much sorrow.

It’s morning in NYC, and Amanda still has a case of the sads because her only friend, Gabriel, is gone. Jordan – who hates Amanda – thinks that Miss Thang should get over it. And I, for once, agree with Jordan.

The models get their computer-clue about the photo shoot challenge – which says the photographer has shot Madonna, Andy Warhol, and Yves St. Laurent. Miss Mennonite Salome has no idea who Warhol is – but she has heard of Madonna (the mother of Our Lord) and St. Laurent (the river that runs between Canada and the U.S.). The Mennonites aren’t known for their pop culture knowledge, obvs.

They head over to Element nightclub in Manhattan for the photo shoot. They will be photographed by Roxanne Lowit – who has been partying with (and photographing) celebrities since the 1960's. She looks pretty good, considering…

Anywhore, the theme of this photo shoot with be “60’s Mod” – they will re-create a 60’s party scene, in pairs. Time to choose partners…

Branden is picked first, and he chooses Sandhurst because “he’s a good looking guy”. But please note for the record that this does NOT make Branden a “homosexual”. We get it kid; you’re not a fag – stop selling it.

Jonathan picks Jordan, and Colin picks Kerryn. Kerryn is thrilled, since she’s been trying to get a piece of Virgin Colin since day one.

Mountaha picks Salome, which leaves Amanda and Laury to work together. Then Tyson informs the models that this week will be a double elimination – two people will be going home.

We are introduced to stylist Rebecca Weinberg – who will give the models that 60’s Mod vibe through their outfits. Interesting tidbit: Rebecca Weinberg was romantically linked for years to designer Patricia Field – and the two of them collaborated on Sex and the City. In fact, Rebecca went by the name “Rebecca Field” until they broke off their romantic relationship. Rebecca and Patricia still work as partners professionally – but Rebecca is now known as “Rebecca Weinberg”. I would bet that Salome knows NOTHING about this…

While Rebecca is getting everyone into outfits, she asks four of the guys (Colin, Jonathan, Sandhurst and Branden) if they like really big boobs. Colin (who’s never seen real live boobs) likes them “medium sized” (safe answer). Jonathan likes his Hos “flat” (which is why he picked Jordan as his partner, I guess). Sandhurst answers with that weird staccato laugh, and affirmed heterosexual Branden yells “BOOBIES!”. Coincidentally, that is my reaction when I see Gail Simmons on Top Chef (below).

BOOBIES!

While Jonathan gets dressed, Tyson pays him a compliment, saying: “You’re handsome. If I was a girl, I’d date you”. Jonathan replies by saying that’s the compliment he’s been waiting for from Tyson. Cue the porno music, this is where chocolate and vanilla get deliciously busy…

Oh wait, this isn’t one of my DVD’s … damn. Let’s just say that if those two ever created the gay porno version of “Jungle Fever”, I’d never leave my apartment. EVER.

The photo shoot begins with Jordan and Jonathan, and they do great. Next up is Mountaha and Salome. Salome, of course, doesn’t know what the 60’s are, or what dancing is, or how a camera works, or where babies come from … so Mountaha has to give her a crash course. Some of the other models (especially Laury) start wondering if this is all just an act. Don’t worry Salome, I don’t know where babies come from either.

Avowed heterosexual boobie-lover Branden and Sandhurst are next. In a one-on-one interview, Branden refers to the two of them as “Brainhurst” (like “Brangelina”) but I wouldn’t exactly use the abbreviation “Brain” for Branden. After all, he answered a questioned with the word “BOOBIES!!”. Well, at least we know where his “brain” is located. Also, I SWEAR to you that Branden had a Kool-Aid mustache in the one-on-one interview. Seriously, go back and look.

BOOBIES!

Next up is Colin and Kerryn. They are having mucho problemos … Colin is too awkward, Kerryn has too much forehead, Colin won’t look at the camera, Kerryn keeps trying to stick a finger in Colin’s butt… things like that. The photographer no likee. Roxanne finally tells Colin to jump up and down, and tells Kerryn to throw her arms in the air and wave ‘em like she just don’t care. The results are not cute.

Finally, Amanda and Laury do their thing. I got one word to describe Laury’s photo shoot … “TEEF”. Let’s just say that when girlfriend was little and sang the “All I Want for Christmas is my TWO FRONT TEETH” song, the Toof Fairy granted her wish. Big time.

The next day, Cougar Amanda is trying to bond with Branden since Gabriel is gone. She tells him how she is doing this for her son, and to show single mothers they can live out their dreams. Braden basically tells the nice lady that she reminds him of his Mom – who is also a single mother. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you kill a Cougar.

Nicole shows up to the apartment with the books and Cory calls the winner of the photo shoot … which is … SALOME! Everyone is shocked – and Laury looks like she wants to sink those sharp teef into some Mennonite flesh. Even Mountaha, who coached Salome through her 60’s lessons, is a little pissed – although Salome picks Mountaha to accompany her on the go-see.

Salome and Mountaha will meet with Rory Tahari – Vice Chairman and Creative Director of fashion label Elie Tahari. Of course, in the car on the way to the appointment Mountaha has to explain to Salome that Tahari is not “Tahini”, which is sesame paste used in Middle Eastern cooking.

I would imagine the House of Tahini has a completely different fashion sense than the House of Tahari.

House of Tahari…

House of Tahini…

Anywhore, when they arrive, Rory Tahari and her minions can’t seem to be bothered to correctly pronounce “Salome”. Both girls walk for them, but Rory is a Class A BEEYOTCH … making catty comments about Salome’s walk and Mountaha’s stern look. Rory is one of those bitches who says something nasty but then laughs afterwards – which is somehow supposed to make the nastiness OK. It’s the kind of thing Kenley did on Project Runway when she would talk stank to Tim Gunn. I HATE bitches like that.

Needless to say, evil Rory doesn’t book the gals for the show. That’s ok, they are much friendlier at the House of Tahini anyway. And they have better hummus.

The next day, the models arrive on the runway for the catwalk challenge. This week, each model will work with a designer/stylist who will have 4 minutes to create “instant couture” on them. At the end of the four minutes, the models will “battle” against their partners (from the photo shoot challenge) on the runway. This challenge is like a combination of Project Runway and RuPaul’s Drag Race … without the gays or drag queens. In other words … BORING!

Salome and Mountaha are first. They each have a stylist/designer taping crap to their bodies … and after four minutes they walk these messes down the runway. Both girls do great – and their outfits actually look kind of fierce.

Next up: “Brainhurst”. Sandhurst’s designer is my kind of gal – once the clock starts she tells Sandhurst to “Take your shirt off, and get on your knees”. I wish my last couple of dates had gone like that. On the runway, Sandhurst has a grand old time since he has immunity.

Amanda and Laury are next – and I feel SO sorry for poor Laury. Her stylist (from the “House of Land Fill”) has taped trash bags all over her. Naomi Friggin' Campbell couldn’t have walked that mess down the runway without looking foolish.

Colin and Kerryn are next – and both do horribly. Finally, Jordan and Jonathan do their thing, and even though Jonathan’s outfit is ridiculous, he still manages to look hot. But I wonder how he would have looked in those trash bags?

The judges are introduced, and OH HAPPY DAY, we don’t have to suffer through Perou’s asshattery this week. Rebecca Weinberg is filling in for him, and Catherine Malandrino (and her sexy French accent) is back.

Heterosexual Brandon, Mountaha, and Jonathan are safe – and they leave the runway. The judges likee Salome, Jordan, and Sandhurst. They no likee Colin, Kerryn, Amanda and Laury.

The judges deliberate, and the results are announced. Salome is the winner this week, and will have immunity next week. Backstage, Mountaha explains to Salome what a “winner” is, and what “immunity” means, and that babies are delivered by FedEx.

Sandhurst and Jordan are safe. This leaves Colin, Kerryn, Amanda and Laury – and two of them will go home.

Colin and Amanda are safe, meaning Kerryn will have to remove her finger from Colin’s butt and go home. Also, Laury and her two front teef must hit the road.

Backstage, Laury refuses to hug Salome and decides to tell it like it T-I-IS. Laury tells Salome she is “fake” and “full of shit” before walking out the door. And, believe it or not, Salome seemed to understand EXACTLY what she meant.


Next week we have barnyard animals, and the return of that BEEYOTCH Maggie Rizer. I don’t know what’s worse…