Note: This recap will be brief for the following reasons:
a) Some Ho named “Irene” is coming to visit (and I need to get to the Dollar Store before they run out of batteries)
b) It’s my birfday (and my phone/email is blowing up right now)
c) I need to start drinking (see items a, b)
Last week: Nina Friggin Garcia. Nuff said.
This week: The fashiontestants awaken to find sneakers and gym clothes on their kitchen counters. All except Bert, who is either:
a) Blind as a Bat.
b) Such a contrarian that when Anthony-Ryan says “Hey Burt, look at those boxes!”, Bert pretends there's nothing there.
c) A total Bitch.
d) All of the above.
Spoiler Alert: Answer: "d".
The designers are instructed to go to the Heidi Klum New Balance One Day You’re First And The Next Day You’re Last Track And Field Center in Washington Heights.
At the facility they are greeted by
Jeff Probst Heidi and Tim, who explain that they’ll be racing in order to see who the four Tribe Team Leaders will be for the next challenge. When the words “Team" and "Challenge” are uttered, Bert mentions something about how he hates all these Bitches and doesn’t want to work with them. And then the Bitches mention something about how much they hate Bert and don’t want to work with HIM.
Then Cecilia, who’s been mopey all morning, tells Tim and Heidi that she wants to
leave the island quit the competition.
In response, Heidi turns on her Germanic motherly charm:
“You skurred of running??? Is this competition too hard for you??? Just what is your problem, Cecilia?”, Heidi demands.
“Um … well … I just …”, Cecilia stammers.
“Fine, just go. As I always say, one day you’re in, and the next day you’re out. And you are OUT”, Heidi “Nurturing Mother of the Decade” Klum replies.
On your mark. Get set. Go!!! And they’re off…
· Joshua ran like he was heading towards a 75% Off sale at the Bloomindale’s Clinique counter. He wins.· Olivier fell, banged up his knee, and had a panic attack. Just another day in the life of a gay Asian guy from Ohio with a vaguely European accent.
· In addition to being blind and evil – Bert is also slow.
· Bryce, Anthony Ryan and Viktor came in 2nd, 3rd and 4th respectively. Go gays!
Teams are picked:
Team Joshua – with Anya and Becky
Team Bryce – with Kimberly and Danielle
Team Anthony-Ryan – with Laura (his former “Team Suzanne Sugarbaker” teammate) and Stank-ass Bert (who is chosen last – quelle surprise)
Team Viktor – with Olivier. And since Cecilia left, they can choose any of the eliminated designers to come back. They choose Mormon Josh.
Heidi explains the challenge. She has been designing
ugly sneakers for New Balance – and each team needs to create 3 looks which will make those ugly kicks look better compliment Heidi’s sneakers. The winning look will be manufactured and sold as part of Heidi’s collection.
The designers caucus, sketch and go to Mood.
The scene at Mood sets the tone for the rest of the episode. Team Bryce and Team Viktor work well together. Over at Team Joshua, he and Anya are treating Becky like a red-headed stepchild and ignoring her input. And Team Suzanne Sugarbaker is doing the same to Bert.
They head back to the workroom. Highlights:
· Josh C is welcomed back with open arms. Everyone truly seems to like him.
· Bert mumbles stank talk under his breath while Anthony-Ryan and Laura try their best to ignore him.
· Becky “feels like
a red-headed stepchildan intern”. I’m assuming we’re not talking about a 'Monica Lewinsky-type' intern.
Heidi and Tim enter for a visit. Highlights:
· Heidi hates cowl – like Nina Friggin Garcia.
· Heidi doesn’t like “farmy”.
· Auntie Em isn’t getting on the motorcycle (it’s a long story and there’s a hurricane coming, so I don’t have time).
· They now have until 4:00 am to finish.
After Tim and Heidi leave the workroom, Joshua decides that Bert can no longer be the hugest Beeyotch in the room – so he starts in on Becky. Joshua tells Becky that she’s there to sew – not design – because her designs are “dowdy” and geared to customers from “40 to death”.
Becky starts to cry, runs to the bathroom, Anya consoles her, Josh apologizes. The end.
Four a.m. arrives and the designers depart for the night.
The next morning they return to the workroom for last-minute sewing, hair & makeup, etc. Joshua and Bert have another little contest to see who can be the biggest bitch – and it ends up being a tie.
On the runway, Heidi welcomes the designers and introduces the judges: Michael, Nina Friggin Garcia and some model with a Demi Moore voice.
The models sashay, shantay and work the runway sweetie.
Afterwards, Heidi announces that the designs were “all over the place”, so everyone will be judged individually. Highlights:
· Team Suzanne Sugarbaker and Bert fight on the runway in front of the judges. A lot.
· Bert fist-pumps (and talks smack) when the judges announce that they only liked HIS design.
· Josh and Becky also fight on the runway.
· They likee Viktor’s motorcycle jacket.
· They no likee Danielle’s “soufflé that flopped” blouse
Judges discuss. As it often does, it comes down to NFG and Michael Kor(ange)s against Heidi. Heidi thinks Anthony Ryan should go, NFG and Orange Julius think Danielle should go.
Results: Victor AND Josh are both winners! Josh was rewarded for being a total bitch! And so was Bert – he’s safe! Nice gays finish last!! Unless they’re running track!!
It comes down, as expected, to Danielle and Anthony-Ryan. And, as always, NFG gets her way and Danielle is sent home.
Next week on Project Runway … oh why bother, A HURRICANE IS COMING AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did YOU think of last night's episode?? Please leave a comment before Irene blows us all away...