Project Runway 9 - Ep 7 - "Your Crotch Has Been Cancelled"

On last week’s episode of Project Runway … Joshua Eyebrows almost won with his “Toxic Tree” avant-garde design. Which I predict will make Eyebrows bright and cheery during this week’s episode. Mark my words... 

On last night’s show, it’s morning in Manhattan, and Eyebrows is bitching stating that he should have won the avant-garde challenge. But in a bright and cheery way, of course. 

The designers head to the runway, where Heidi informs them that they’ll be working in two teams this week. Teams are chosen, and this is how it breaks down: 

Team Walking On Sunshine: 

Anthony Ryan, Anya, Viktor, Olivier and Bryce 

Team Three-Women-And-Two-Gaybies: 

Eyebrows, Laura, Kim, Becky, Bert 

The designers go to the workroom, where Tim explains their challenge. Each team will create 5 looks, 3 textiles, a background video, a fashion show, a three-course meal inspired by their culinary career, and a living room for a family of 7 using nothing but materials purchased in the Plastic Flowers aisle at the Dollar Tree. Utensils down, hands up. 

The adorable Betsy Johnson comes in for no reason at all – other than to advertise the HP Touchsmart Desktop TouchDesk SmartTop machine thingy. Then they showed a film of her doing a cartwheel – which made everyone clap – even Eyebrows. The end. 

The teams meet for 30 minutes. Team Peace Love And Harmony quickly agrees to an “Inkblot Test” theme. Team Eyebrows Plus Four throws around some … um … intriguing ideas such as 'Circus/Carnival', 'Sea Amoebas', 'Clocks', and a female version of the Village People. Dear Baby Jeebus – please let them do the Village People thing – only because I want to see the look on Nina Friggin Garcia’s face when the assless chaps walk down the runway. 

Unfortunately they decide on the highly exciting themes of “Clocks” and choose the team name “Butts and Dolts” (or something like that). 

Commercial Break: NuvaRing is not for everyone. Then why must you keep talking about it??? 

And we’re back. Everyone has 45 minutes to come up with their textile design using their L’Oreal Paris TouchTop Garnier Smart Desk computers. Bert can’t get his to print – and mumbles about the Mimeograph machine not working and complains about not getting his “frickin’ clocks” considered by the rest of the Butts and Dolts. 

All of a sudden, Eyebrows starts screeching at the top of his lungs about Bert using “a swear word”. Eyebrows states that only unintelligent, poopy, naughty boys and girls use no-no words. 

Speaking of “naughty words” - here are some words I never want to hear again: “I want a yard of Bert’s clock put in there!!”   {{{shudders}}} 

Eyebrows storms out of the workroom and to the mini-cafeteria – where Laura follows him. Laura, who knows her way around high-maintenance ladies, seems to be the only one who “gets” Joshua. And, frankly, she can have him. 

Laura and Eyebrows decide to go shoot the video together – which consists of Joshua filming Laura walking in different pairs of shoes and yelling at her to be more fierce. Meanwhile Kim, Becky and Bert go shopping at Dollar General Mood. 

Over at Team Rainbows And Unicorns, Bryce and Viktor go to Times Square to shoot the video, while the rest go to Mood. 

Day #1 ends and #2 begins – with the designers checking out their fabrics. Why did all 6 textiles end up being black and white?? I bet it was that damn Mimeograph machine again… 

Tim visits the workroom and of course loves everything that Team Happiness and Light is doing. 

Team Butts and Dolts, on the other hand, is scaring the exuberance right outta Mr. Gunn. Tim tries to ask Joshua where the woman who wears his garment is going – and Eyebrows goes OFF. Why do they have to GO ANYWHERE?!? Which is what I say to myself while spending all day in front of my computer. Maybe Eyebrows’ garment is for an overweight shut-in with an internet addiction?? 

Things get so bad that Tim makes everyone join hands and sing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. Then Eyebrows starts crying. Sob cry sob “comes from a humble family” … sob cry “can’t go home” … sob snot … “working at a bar in New York City” … “Missed Thanksgiving”… 

Um, what does that have to do with Tim Gunn asking you where your customer was going?? Seriously girl, you need medication. How about NuvaRing? 

Runway day. Hair, Makeup, Piperlime. Judges: Michael, Nina Friggin Garcia, Rachel Ray (she’ll be judging the 3-course meal) and Rose Royce, which will be performing their multiplatinum hit from the 70’s, “Car Wash”. 

Sashay, Shantay. Obviously, Team Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice are the winners. Team Butts and Dolts are the losers. The losers are sent backstage, where Eyebrows shrieks at Becky. Because … oh hell, who know why – it’s what Eyebrows does. 

Team Chaos – judges love love love. They simply can’t decide who they love the most – although they love Bryce the least. 

Team Nuts & Bolts – judges hate hate hate. Video looked like an ad for shoes or taxis or hookers. Also, most women don’t want ‘CANCELLED’ written across their crotch. Eyebrows proceeds to freak out on the JUDGES this time – which just makes Nina Friggin’ Garcia chuckle and tell them how bad all three of their textiles were. You cannot out-beeyotch NFG. 

Let’s recap now: During this episode Eyebrows has yelled at Bert, Tim, Becky and now Nina Friggin Garcia. Which only means that Bunim-Murray will make sure Eyebrows goes all the way to the finals. Anyone remember Wretched Jones??? 

The judges discuss and it’s time for the results: 

Anya is the winner. And the bottom two are Joshua and Becky. Becky is sent home (see “Wretched Jones” comment, above). Was there ever any doubt?? 

Next week – really gay men ponder really big boobs. 

What did YOU think of last night’s episode? What do think about Joshua Eyebrows? Please leave a comment.

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