Friday, September 23, 2011

Project Runway 9 - Ep. 9 - The (Fat) Boys In The Band

Last week on Project Runway, Bryce was sent packing and I’ve already forgotten everything about him. Except for what he looked like… 

Also last week, it was revealed that Olivier is a rabid size queen sizeist – and hates fat people. And by “fat people”, I’m referring to anyone with a waist size over 28 inches. SPOILER ALERT: As a “Person of Size” (also known as a “Lard Ass”) this truly offended me. So I might just hafta throw some stank at the precious Miss Olivier during this recap. Stay tuned… 

Anywhore… on this week’s episode, the designers get themselves together and meet Heidi on the runway for the pointless “hint” at what the challenge might be. Heidi tells them “image is everything” and sends them to a Manhattan music venue to meet Tim. Whatevs

At Rockwood Music Hall the designers are greeted by Tim Gunn and the Garnier Hair Queen. We find out two things: 

1) This is the “Garnier Challenge”, meaning that this episode will be a 90 minute commercial for hair care products. And later, if Project Runway history is any indication, hair will be completely ignored during the judging. 

2) This will be a “group challenge”. Except for the fact that everyone will be judged individually and there doesn’t have to be any cohesion within the group. Which sounds like the exact OPPOSITE of a group challenge, if you ask me. 

We also find out that the designers will be creating a look for an up-and-coming band – the Sheepdogs – and the winning look will be featured in Marie Claire and Rolling Stone

Teams are chosen via the Magical Velvet Bag©: 

Team Harmony: 

Bert, Laura, Anthony-Ryan and Anya 

Team Untitled: 

Olivier, Viktor, Kimberly and Joshua 

The Sheepdogs come onstage to perform, and they look … um … kinda like Sheepdogs, akshully. 

We later find out the guys have the personalities of Sheepdogs also – fluffy and loveable. And you can dress them up and they won’t bite you!

The Sheepdogs play a song – which is much much too loud for Olivier’s sensitive euroeardrums. Either that, or Olivier was simply recoiling at the fact that these guys are enormously obese. And by “obese” I mean “totally normal” (unless you’re a damn dirty sizeist like Olivier). Did I mention that Olivier annoys me and offends me at the same time??? I did???? Sorry. 

Each Sheepdog will be dressed by one person from each of the two teams. The teams-which-aren’t-really-teams meet and decide who is designing for whom: 

Bert and Olivier pick Ewan, the lead singer. Ewan is over six feet tall and is actually pretty hot. However Olivier is simply horrified at the sheer size of the man. OMG – he might even have a 38 inch waist!!!!! Where will Olivier be able to find that much fabric to cover this entire Jabba-The-Hutt-esque monstrosity?!? Did they stock up at Mood??? JUST LOOK AT HIM!!!...

Laura and Viktor pick Leot, who looks like Santino Rice – if Santino Rice still had real hair on his head. And since Santino google’s himself regularly, I expect to receive another (yes ANOTHER) Twitter rant directed at me and my “lame” (his words) sense of humor. I’m rather looking forward to it, akshully. 

Kimberly and Anya pick Sam, the drummer. Sam likes Caftans. Sam is not gay. Who da thunkit? 

Finally, Anthony-Ryan and Joshua pick Ryan – who I don’t remember much about at all. But then again, I am fat and lame and apparently forgetful. 

The designers go to Mood and then back to the workroom to begin their designs. Highlights/Lowlights: 

1) Olivier won’t stop complaining that Ewan is so much bigger than the mannequin. He even refers to Ewan as “massive”! I wish someone would drop Olivier into a Denny’s so he could see the people ordering the Mac ‘n Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt

2) Josh gives us a (hairy) Booty Show while trying on the jeans he was making. Talk about Sheepdogs… 

Day #1 ends and #2 begins with a Tim Gunn/Sheepdog visit to the workroom. Highlights/lowlights: 

1) Bert is making a hippy “blouse” for Ewan. Bert should have picked the caftan kid – I bet Bert can whip up a caftan like I can whip up a couple trays of Chicken Enchiladas. 

2) Josh is afraid that his design might be a little “too gay” for this straight Sheepdog. Guuurrrrl, you’re too gay for Sunday Tea Dance on Fire Island – that rainbow-colored ship has sailed, hunty. Also, Josh “primarily sells to gay men” {{{side eye}}} Mmmm hmmmm… 

3) Olivier mentions Ewan’s size at least four different times during the consultation. And then later, Olivier refers to his client as “plus size”. REALLY?!? Listen you little twerp, if I was a cruel person I’d say you have a horrible die job and an even worse fake accent. But I’m a bigger person than that. Get it? BIGGER??? Oh nevermind… 

Day #2 ends and Runway Day with a Sheepdog fitting before their runway performance. The band will perform two songs, wearing designs from each of the two teams. 


1) Kimberly thinks Sam’s butt looks “yummy” – but I think her outfit looks like the uniform at Church’s Fried Chicken. Circa 1978... 

2) Olivier keeps Ewan sitting in his underwear for an hour while he sews at the last minute. Ewan suggests that he might have to go onstage naked. I have no problem with that… 

On the runway, Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Friggin Garcia, and out gay rocker Adam Lambert. 

The Sheepdogs rock out and it’s time for the judging. 

They Likee: 

1) Bert/Ewan. Hippie chic.  

2) Viktor/Leot. Viktor created an amazing fringed jacket that the judges love. 

3) Joshua/Ryan. It seems Adam Lambert REALLY liked Josh … er … Josh’s DESIGN. Adam obviously has never seen Joshua’s sheepdog-hairy butt.

The judges No Likee: 

1) Anya/Sam. Nina Friggin Garcia calls it “Pocahontas”. Michael Kors calls it “Reggae Jesus”. Everyone else just calls it “ugly”. 

2) Olivier/Ewan. AGAIN, Olivier mentions on the runway that Ewan is bigger than a 16 year-old female model and at this point I want to throw things at my TV. But the only items nearby are edible and a “plus sized” person NEVER wastes food. Serenity now … serenity now… 

3) Kimberly/Sam. Poor Sam can’t catch a break. Michael Kors nails it with “Peter Brady at an Autumn Harvest”. 

The judges discuss and it’s time for the results. Victor is the winner: 

Bert, Laura, Anthony-Ryan, Joshua and Anya are in. Leaving Kimberly and Olivier as the bottom two. 

At this point I’m thinking that Kimberly will be sent home so Olivier can continue to spout off about fat people. But the judges do the right thing and send Olivier back to his fantasy world of tic-tac lunches and size zero models. Good riddance. 

I hope he gets fat. 


froggy said...

I was so with you, in spirit, with that episode. And I don't think fans want their rockers fashionable - they just want good music - to hell with what they are wearing.
The pairing with Rolling Stone just felt off. And the hair challenge with male models?? While I'm sure that JoshM can support that whole demographic from the amount of stuff he uses - I still think that female models would have been the better choice. More variety and beyond 'fluff his curls'.

Kanani said...

First, this is a really boring season. But PRG is increasingly more boring each season.

There is something about Olivier that seems the boy was coddled in a way that obliterated any development of a rational human being. You wonder, what the hell do his parents say about other people?

Olivier's rudeness puts him to the negative on scale of sensitivity to others. He's just too caught up in his head to be able to see that what he says is insulting. And worse, I think other people have heard his opinions about bodies before AND they let him get away with it.

I'm relieved I didn't have to hear anymore of the Olivier view of life. I think it's probably pretty depressing and extremely limiting for him. God knows what a family dinner is like at the Olivier household.

In addition, I'm guessing his experience in menswear design has been overstated. Maybe he only answers the phones.

Bob said...

Olivier is now scouring the streets looking for meth heads to dress.

hey! it's a client!

mrs. miss alaineus said...

your recaps are so much better than the actual show.


Joy said...

I am so glad Olivier is gone! Such an emo jerk!

No one did a half-way good job on this challenge except for Viktor's jacket and jeans. Josh was shamelessly flirting with Adam Lambert who did seem mildly interested. Even with his mouth full and not talking Josh would be incredibly annoying.

I love PR and hate to see it decline. Your recaps make it all worthwhile!

behrmark said...

I don't watch this show and usually skip your review because...well you're a wonderful writer I'm just not that into the show. However, I agree that Ewan the lead singer is WOOFY as are the other band members. Olivier needs to come to my house if he think that Woofy Ewan is fat.

Tivo Mom said...

so glad Olivier is gone as well. And I like you responded well to Ewan. I thought he was very cute. great recap as always

BriarCub said...

Perfect as ever, David. I'd only add one thing:

1) This is the “Garnier Challenge”, meaning that this episode will be a 90 minute commercial for hair care products. And later, if Project Runway history is any indication, hair will be completely ignored during the judging *except for the hairy boobs from season 7's Garnier challenge*


I did seriously cringe when I saw the embarrassment on Tim Gunn's face when Olivier was explaining just how MASSIVE his client was *in front of both of them* It was somewhere between 'Oh, kids say the darnedest things,' and 'as soon as your client leaves, I'm finding the nearest hot glue gun and sealing your mouth shut!'

...and I agree with behrmark...Ewan = WOOF! :-)

eric3000 said...

Well, as someone with a 28-inch waist, I just want to say ... actually, that's all I wanted to say.

(Oh, I love that Santino is bitching at you about your recaps! Hilarious!)

Miss Ginger Grant said...

Sorry these comments are late but I'm finally catching up on the DVR!

Have I mentioned this week how much I hate Oliver, with his bad dye job, STUPID fake accent, poor time management, and sizist attitudes?!!

Love the comment "Church's Fried Chicken" outift- I couldn't put my finger on it and you nailed it, as always!

Miss Ginger Grant said...

PS- Bryce kinda reminded me of Ferris Bueller!

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