Top Chef Chicago - Episode Three - Satan's Fury

Last night’s episode of Top Chef begins with the usual shots of sunny, gorgeous Chicago. Where is all the snow? Where is all the crap blowing around in the heavy winds? Where are all the people bundled up from head to toe? Who knew Chicago had sunny days?!?

Spike and Andrew are slap fighting each other like two “special needs” children. Spike has his shirt off (and it ain’t half bad, BTW) – but if Fucky McDouchebag Andrew removes as much as a SOCK on camera, I’m outta here. Luckily that doesn’t happen. And just so you know – Andrew considers himself to be an “entertainer”. He’s the culinary version of Sammy Davis Jr. “The Candy Man CAN’T…”

The lesbians are lounging in their marriage bed, ruminating about the lack of women and/or lesbians in kitchens across the United States. Honey – that’s not because of gender or sexual orientation – it’s because they’re NOT Mexicans. Mexicans rule the kitchens of this nation (trust me, I work in the restaurant business). Hey, if lesbians were willing to work 10-hour days for $50.00 cash per shift, then you’d see many, many lesbians in kitchens across this great nation.

The other good thing about having cute illegal immigrants working in your kitchen is the fact that they usually don’t report you when you grab them inappropriately. But that’s a whole other can of worms…

Anywhoo, it’s time for the Quickfire challenge. The guest judge this week is Rick Bayless – who reminds me of a Hippie Mr. Rodgers. Won’t you be my neighbor, dude?!? Chef Payless is the one who has introduced the United States to upscale Mexican cuisine, but I bet he still pays his workers $50.00/shift – even if he does charge $49.95 for Chicken Enchiladas. Question for Chef Payless: what’s wrong with Taco Bell? That’s as “upscale” as I need my Mexican food to be.

Speaking of Taco Bell – the Quickfire challenge is to create an “upscale” version of the Taco. Satan/Erik is strangely upset by this notion – saying that Mexican food is about “the streets” and shouldn’t be turned into something upscale. Keep it real Lucifer!

The Mariachi music starts as the cheftestants rush to create their upscale Tacos. The cameras go directly to Manuel (aka “Memo”) who is from Mexico. Memo does that peculiar thing where he pronounces every English word without a hint of an accent, but every Spanish word DRIPS in trilled R’s and short vowels. It’s like Charo is pronouncing all of his Spanish words. Cootchie Cootchie!! But the way Charo, er, MEMO says “Taco” is kinda hot – Aye Papi!.

Spike is keeping it real – REAL annoying – and doing a street food version of his Taco. Andrew is doing a Taco with plantains and duck. Duck! – Yo that’s dope! He also predicts (this is episode THREE mind you) that he will be the winner of Top Chef. And Hillary Clinton will hug Barack Obama and drop out of the presidential race gracefully. Right.

Ryan is reminiscing about his sweatshop childhood in San Francisco (as always) and is making a SQUASH Taco (WTF?) – wrapped in paper (how FANCY!?!). Kiwi Mark says something – all I can understand are the words “street food” and “fine dining”. Crocodile Dundee needs to brush up on HIS pronunciation.

Then we get to “Molecular Gastronomist” (and faux-hawked douchebag) Richard. Richard loves to reinvent things – also known as “showing off”. “Fine dining is my game”, he states (which only a douchebag would say). So he decides to use jicama for his taco “shell”. What ever happened to the Ortega Taco Kit? Shells, sauce, seasonings…everything you need, all in one convenient package. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t contain jicama.

Utensils down – hands up. Frito Bandito is here to steal your money bitches!

Chef Payless notices a lot of “street food” – which wasn’t really the challenge. By the way, where is this STREET where one can get all these Tacos? Seriously, let me know and I’m moving there.

Payless and Padma DON’T like Satan/Erik’s dish. The plate looked like a “train wreck”, Payless says. This greatly angers Beelzebub, who says that Chef Bayless “can go screw himself”. Something is obviously bothering The Prince of Darkness.

They also don’t like Lisa’s chewy skirt steak and I’m not going to say ANYTHING about a lesbian cooking SKIRT steak. I’m better than that. Ryan’s non-upscale Squash Taco wrapped in paper (aka “Combo #3 with Beans and Rice – please move to the next window”) was also not a favorite.

They likee Andrew’s dope Duck Taco, Spike’s Street Taco (even though it was supposed to be “upscale”), and Richard’s Jicama egg rolls, er, Tacos. Despite his “authentic” pronunciation of words like “chorizo” and “tomatilla”, Memo is not in the top three – and looks upset. Word to the wise people, don’t EVER piss off the Papi who’s cooking your next meal. I’m just saying…

In the end, Chef Payless loved the way Richard’s “Tacos” looked (translation: Payless liked Richard’s package) and Douchebag Richard wins the Quickfire. He now has immunity for the upcoming Elimination Challenge. As an added bonus, this dish will be featured in one of Rick Bayless’ restaurants - for $39.50.

Now for the Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the cheftestants to self-divide into two teams. The people with brains gravitate toward Richard – who, douchebaggery aside, is obviously talented. The slackers and lesbians gravitate toward the other team.

The Slackers/Lesbians (Red Team) consists of: Zoi and Jen, Douchy Dale, Ryan, Spike, and Fucky McDouchebag. The Winners, er, “Blue Team” is made up of Memo, Antonia, Stephanie, Nikki, Lisa, and Richard. They all jump into their SUV’s to drive to the secret location of the challenge.

Every turn in their journey leads to rampant speculation as to what the challenge might be. Dale is from Chicago, so he is giving a play-by-play as to which neighborhoods are coming up. Polish neighborhood coming up! (Pierogi challenge?). Korean neighborhood coming up! (noodle challenge?). And on and on and on… Someone calls this “brainstorming”, but you must possess a brain in order to brainstorm. Memo just wants to stop at a Sports Bar for a few “Cervezas”, and I think I’m falling in love.

Eventually they end up in some generic Chicago neighborhood, which looks a lot like Queens (the NYC neighborhood, not the homos). Padma informs them that tomorrow this neighborhood will be holding their annual Block Party (not to be confused with the “Black Party” – which is Saturday and I’ll tell you more about tomorrow). The cheftestants will be cooking food for the Block Party – but they won’t be going to Whole Foods to shop. They must go door-to-door and get ingredients from the neighbors. “Alms for the poor?”…this is going to be interesting.

Richard is suddenly glad he has immunity, because he’s not “super social” (really!?!), and he’s far too superior to go begging for food. Andrew decides that “pretty boy” Ryan should panhandle for the Red Team (I hope Spike doesn’t get jealous). But along with Ryan they send LesbianJen. I guess they need someone to carry the bags.

Jen and Ryan proceed to totally raid people’s fridges and pantries – and they make a special effort to ask for the bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing that is featured prominently in this family’s refrigerator. The Hidden Valley Ranch commercial that comes on later will explain this completely. Bravo has NO shame.

CarmelaSopranoNikki and Antonia are stealing pasta. Nikka wants to make her “specialty”, Mac & Cheese. That’s MY specialty also – KRAFT Macaroni and Cheese - just add milk and margarine!! Andrew and Spike are scaring children by showing off their red facial hair. I don’t EVEN want to know if the carpet matches the drapes…seriously.

Richard has emerged as the unofficial leader of Team Blue (quel surprise!). “Mother Superior” has decided Team Blue is “going upscale” and not doing your typical Block Party-type food. Team LezzieDouchebag (Red) has decided to cook for Chicago retards and are doing corndogs and sliders, which they call “Classic Americana”. They aren’t gonna subject these working class idiots to fancy things like “sauces” and “spices” and “salt”. Way to “keep it real” Team Red!

The next morning, the cheftestants hit the kitchen for three hours of prep. On the Blue Team, everyone is doing their own dish, and they seem to be working well together. Richard has decided to teach these Middle-America commoners about Paella. Stephanie is making a dessert consisting of fruit served over cinnamon wontons (fancy!). On the other hand, Nikki is wondering if Velveeta will melt for her Mac & Cheese (WTF!?!). Honey, that’s the ONLY thing Velveeta does.

Over at Team Red, Andrew is sniffing around and asks “you guys smell that?”. “What?”, someone answers. “SUCCESS!”, Fucky McDouchebag replies. I HATE HIM AND HE MUST BE DESTROYED!!

Satan/Erik is in charge of Corndogs – because he SERVES THEM IN HIS RESTAURANT and is very familiar with the recipe. Here is a picture of Erik’s “restaurant”:

Satan/Erik notes that his team is “putting their hearts” into this challenge. Satan is probably grinding up the hearts of puppies for his corndogs. There is concern that Erik’s corndogs “might get soggy in the hot box”, but I’m pretty sure they make pills for that.

Zoi got stuck making pasta salad – which is the dish you always ask the 2nd biggest dumbass you know to bring to a picnic (the BIGGEST dumbass always brings SODA). Dale wants to “push” instead of “play safe” with his kebabs – and I want to “push” Dale into traffic. And Idiot Ryan has decided to do a Waldorf Salad without mayonnaise, and I’ve decided that Ryan should have gone to school instead of working in the family restaurant.

They make their way to the Block party, and have 20 minutes to set up. The hungry neighborhood folk are cheering them on, especially since they have no food left in their homes and are suffering from malnutrition.

Satan/Erik’s Corndogs ARE soggy (I guess he didn’t get the prescription in time), and Andrew says Team Red’s mini-burgers are “full of awesomeness”, which makes me want to “die of barfness”.

Over at Team Blue, Superior Richard thinks their food is “a step above” what these lowly Chicagoans would normally eat. Memo is making a big deal out of the fact that they’re “plating” the food for these people. Yeah, and the Cafeteria Ladies at Stevens Elementary School used to “plate” my lunch every day.

Nikki’s Mac & Cheese has turned into “Mac & Cement”. Seriously, how can you go wrong with Velveeta? That shit was INVENTED to make Mac & Cheese!

The judges are here!: Padma, Chef Payless, Tom “Bear” Colicchio, and Queer Eye’s Ted Allen.

Team LezzieDouchbag (Red) is trying to impress the judges with their “Dip Bar” for the soggy corndogs. That entire team is simply one big “Dip Bar”. Spike is using his bong lighter to make S’more lollipops. Dale is trying to give the puppydog eyes to Ted Allen while serving the pork kebabs. Don’t try so hard!

After serving the judges, the Red Team decides they have won and start playing basketball and drinking beer. Spike declares that they were “the life of the party”, which he demonstrates by volunteering for the Dunking Tank. I hope he drowns.

Team NoFun (Blue) suddenly begins to doubt their upscale cuisine…could they be the losers?!? They walk back to their vehicles, leaving the Red Team to continue the festivities.

Everyone eventually gathers back in the Glad storage room, and Padma calls for the Blue Team to come to the Judge’s Table. The members of the Red Team are SHOCKED and try to convince themselves that they are still the winners. They are freaking out – Andrew’s mouth is going like a duck taco’s ass, and Satan/Erik is gazing glumly at his beer – chanting for the painful death of Chef Payless.

The Blue Team is questioned about their weak dishes – Richard’s (!) Paella, and Nikki’s PastaBrick & Cheese. But eventually Chef Colicchio tells them they have won by a small margin. He also tells them not to get too excited because the food “wasn’t that good”. Ouch!

Stephanie/Rachel Ray is the winner with her Fruity Cinnamon Wonton dessert! Yummo!

The Blue Team proceeds back into the Glad storage room and tells the Red Team to start stepping to the Judges Table. They also happen to mention that they won, and Stephanie was the overall winner. Team LezzieDouchebag is SHOCKED. How could they have lost with soggy Corndogs and a Dip Bar?!? And Dale even made puppydog eyes at the gay judge! This can’t be!!!

The Judges ask idiot Ryan what went wrong – and, of course, he has no idea. Stay in school kids!

Spike: “I thought we kicked their ass.”
Padma: “You didn’t.” Padma rocks.

The judges no likee: soggy Corndogs, Ryan’s mayo-less Waldorf Salad, and Zoi’s Pasta Salad. Spike tries to explain that the judges have fancy, high-falutin palettes, and Team Red was trying to cook for retards. This maneuver doesn’t work. Miss Ted Allen says even if they were cooking jelly doughnuts, the judges could tell if they were GOOD jelly doughnuts. So basically the Red-Team cooked plain-ass food for working-class losers…BADLY.

Fucky McDouchbag is pissed. REALLY pissed. He’s NOT going home. “You’d have to drag me out with Security Guards…this is MY house!”. At which point Padma hits the secret “panic button” located under the Judge’s Table, and a trapdoor opens under Andrew’s feet and he falls into a dungeon, never to be heard from again. Ok, that part didn’t happen, but a girl can dream…

Padma describes Erik’s corndog as a “big clunker”, and I start wondering if everyone is talking about the same thing. Zoi states that she ALMOST said something about having to do Pasta Salad, but didn’t. What happened to pushy lesbians?!? Aren’t they SUPPOSED to make a fuss and get in your face? Jen is horrified to see her gal on the chopping block, and prepares to get in SOMEONE’S face if necessary.

In the end, Satan/Erik is sent home. “Erik, please pack your knives, pitchfork, and eternal flames, and go".

He states that he’s not bitter, but the judges will be faced with an eternity of damnation because of his elimination. Buh-bye Beelzebub!




Next week: someone burns the Glad wrap…uh oh! Til then bitches!