Thursday, December 11, 2008

Top Chef New York - Episode Five: "Let's Get Pickled!"

On last week’s Top Chef, Papi Alex was sent home to his fiancée, and Ariane didn’t make Kathie Lee Gifford gag – so she won. Read my “Cliff Notes” version of a recap HERE.

It’s morning in NYC, and the Cheftestants are getting ready for more competition. Ariane, fresh off her latest win, decides to sweep the apartment instead of noisily eating and showing us the half-chewed food in her mouth. Thanks for that.

Jamie The Lesbian shows some of the gals a stuffed rabbit that Stefan Of Finland has given her – complete with homemade potholder pants. It must be some kind of Finnish thing to trick lesbians into turn straight. It doesn’t seem to be working.

Stefan admits Jamie is “sexy” – even though I think he realizes he is barking up the wrong tree. In the wrong forest. On the wrong planet. It doesn’t matter – Stefan likee the lesbian.

Quickfire Challenge:

The chefs enter the Top Chef Kitchen to find Padma standing alone. She informs them that there is no guest judge for this challenge – they will be doing the tasting themselves. This is the “Identify That Ingredient” challenge.

They all draw knives and will compete head-to-head against one other chef. Each pair will taste a sauce at the same time – and then declare how many ingredients in that sauce they can identify – Name That Tune-style. They will try and “out-bid” each other until one of them tells the other to “name those ingredients”. Speaking of Name That Tune – did you know that easy-to-gag Kathie Lee was the SongHo from that show?...

Anywhoo, the first pair is Hosea “The Hose” versus StraightBear Danny. Hosea claims that Danny actually has a brain, but thus far there has been no evidence to back up this claim. Danny feels “like a Winnah” today. Unfortunately he is “a Loosah” and The Hose moves to the next round.

The other key match-up is Stefan Of Finland vs. his Lesbian Lovergirl Jamie. She calls him an “asshole” and a “button-pusher”. I think she’s starting to fall for him – those are the kinds of words I use when I’m digging a dude. But maybe it’s different for Lesbians and Europeans. Stefan wins, which only pisses Jamie off even more. Or maybe it turns her on – I can’t tell.

We go to Round 2, and The Hose and Stefan Of Finland are still showing strong. Leah is now referring to Stefan as an “asshole”. Jamie better keep an eye on her man, or Horny Leah will be getting those stuffed rabbits with the fancy pants soon. After all, Leah is already getting The Hose…

Finally, we get to the Speed Round. Good, because this crap is dragging. It has come down to Carla, Stefan, and Hosea. Carla’s Spirit Guides tell her there is Peanut Butter in the Mexican Mole Sauce – and she is out. She apparently thought that this was the Reese’s “YOU GOT PEANUT BUTTER IN MY CHOCOLATE!” challenge – but Reese’s is NEXT WEEK’s sponsor. It’s hard to keep track, I know.

Eventually The Hose wins the Quickfire (and immunity) – and Stefan looks pissed. Hosea can forget about getting a stuffed Finnish rabbit – that’s for sure.

Elimination Challenge:

The Cheftestants draw knives again, which reveal the words “Old”, “New”, “Borrowed”, or “Blue”. Obviously, it’s a wedding theme – and Padma reveals that she is throwing a wedding shower for a “very dear friend”. This friend, it turns out, is judge Gail Simmons … and Gail's Boobies.

Gail and her Boobies greet the Chefs – and she tells them that they will cater her Bridal Shower tomorrow. Gail gives them the 411 on the other guests – they are not the kind of gals who ask for sauce on the side. They like the sauce. Gail seems to like the sauce as well. Many of these ladies will be from Food & Wine magazine – so they are all used to eating the finest cuisine, free of charge. And hitting the sauce hard.

Danny is “pumped” about this challenge – and thinks Gail will be a “hot bride”. Yeah, that sounds like it came from a guy with a brain. Jamie is immediately turned off by the implied heterosexuality of a Bridal Shower – which she is unfamiliar with. She should try to focus on the hot babes – like Danny.

The chefs get together to plan their courses. Team Borrowed (Jamie/Radhika/Ariane) will “borrow” an Indian dish from Radhika’s culture. As always, Radhika expresses her concern over being a one-note (Indian) wonder – but then decides to do Indian anyway. At least she’s consistent.

Team Blue (Fabio/Melissa/Leah) is trying to think of food that is blue – to which Fabio declares “Dare is no any friggin’ blue fud”. Team New (Danny/Carla/Eugene) should be called “Team Screwed” when Danny makes the quote of the night:

When I think of new – I think of pickled.” WTF?!?! “New” equals “Pickled”??? Again – where is this “brain” Hosea mentioned?? According to THIS, it is believed that the ancient Mesopotamians pickled back in 2400 B.C. Yeah, I guess something that is more than 4000 years old is relatively “new”.

But Danny also says that “Gail likes pickled”. I think he just left out two little words: “to” and “get” – as in “Gail likes TO GET pickled”. Now THAT I can believe.

After all this, Team New/Screwed/Doomed decides to do a “Surf & Turf Sushi Roll”. Carla is “concerned”. Dearest Carla – if your Spirit Guides aren’t screaming at you to run for your life right now, then you need to find yourself some new voices for your head.

Team Old (Stefan, Hosea, and Jeff) spend their time bickering about tomatoes. Everyone seems to whine that Stefan is a bully and bossy and an “asshole” – but no one seems to say anything to his face. Is Stefan getting the “Villain edit” from the producers to make things more interesting?? Last season we had Spike and Andrew and Lisa and Dale who were obvious dickwads – and they were so bad that the others sometimes got into fights with them. No one seems to really fight with Stefan – so I’m thinking this is more of a producer thing than a reality thing. Besides, Stefan gives rabbits to Lesbians – he can’t be all bad, can he?

Then Stefan proceeds to say that Jeff “has no friggin clue” and calls Hosea “Douche Boy” … OK, maybe Stefan IS an ass…

Time for shopping at Whole Foods. The highlight of this is Crazy Carla – who has lost her teammates. She starts shouting “Hootie!” … and then waits for a response. She informs us that when she is shopping with her husband and they get separated, one will shout “Hootie”, and the other will shout “Hoo!” in response. This is how they find each other. Carla seems confused that her teammates aren’t responding to her “Hootie” calls. Um, maybe because your husband is back at home and your teammates don’t know how to play this game. I’m convinced that Carla doesn’t need Spirit Guides, she needs a Spirit Psychiatrist.

After shopping, the Cheftestants return to the Top Chef Kitchen for 2 ½ hours of prep.

Team Borrowed Indian is doing Lamb Chops, and Ariane instructs her teammates to “clean it, French it, and marinate it”. I suggest they also smack it up, flip it, and rub it down. Team Blue has decided to use the blue ocean for inspiration, so they will do a fish dish. Team Newly Screwed has overcooked their sushi rice, but sushi Chef Gene has a few “techniques” to save it. Nothing says “fancy bridal shower” like bad food that has been “saved”.

Tom visits the kitchen and checks in with the teams. The look on his face when Team Pickled and Screwed tells him about their dish is priceless. It is very “whatchootalkinboutwillis”-esque.

That night, back at the apartment, Team New has a “brainstorm”. But don’t you need to have a brain first? They decide to change their dish to a “Build Your Own Sushi” plate. I hope it comes with unlimited salad and breadsticks because sushi doesn’t really fill you up. Danny, who is lifting weights nearby, smiles and nods happily. He thinks this is the bestest, most smartest idear evah.

Later that night, they show Stefan, with beer in hand, on Jamie’s bed begging for a kiss. Hey, it’s the LEAST she could do for that cute rabbit. But Carla is also on the bed for some reason, and she is TOTALLY you-know-what blocking Stefan’s efforts. Damn those lesbian-saving Spirit Guides! We also find out that Leah has a boyfriend and Hosea has a girlfriend. That will probably change once they see the show.

The Cheftestants head over to the event space – 24 Fifth Avenue. The ladies sit down at one long, elegant table and the shower luncheon begins. Padma introduces the guest judge Dana Cowin – Editor-In-Chief of Food & Wine magazine – and Gail’s boss.

Back in the kitchen, Chef Tom has appeared – saying he wasn’t allowed to hang with the girls so they made him stay in the kitchen. Fabio says this makes him nervous – like if Fabio was a Priest, and Tom was the Pope. Or if Tom was a Priest, and Fabio was an Altar Boy. Sorry, that was too easy.

First course – Team New. Stefan doesn’t think Jeff’s sorbet is sexy. Sexy for food, or sexy like a Lesbian?? Anywhoo, a shaking Hosea, Jeff, and Stefan serve their Tomato Trio. The ladies seem to likee the unsexy sorbet the most.

Second course – Team New. Right before service, Danny with the Brain decides to add a “surprise” to Carla’s salad – some mushrooms. Carla doesn’t know about this – so they show a few mandatory shots of Carla with her eyes bugging out of her head. Danny describes the many elements of their dish as “a little dab of dis – a little splooge of dat”. Excuse me waiter, can I get mine with the splooge of dat on the side? Thanks. Danny thinks the ladies are going to love his dish so much, “dare gonna take dare clothes off”. Cause dats what da broads do when dey eats his food. Unfortunately, Danny’s “brain” (and his sploogy cuisine) don’t live up to the hype – the guests seem to HATE it and the ladies stays clothed. Furthermore, Eugene fails to give instructions on how to make their own sushi. EPIC FAIL.

Third course – Team Borrowed. After nervously watching the lamb chops cook to the proper temperature – the Indian-inspired dish goes out to the ladies and gets rave reviews. They REALLY likee the lamb.

Finally, we have Team Blue. Melissa (Remember her? Me neither.) and Leah want Fabio to lay on the broken-English Italian charm – and it works. Seriously – these women are literally “oooohhhhing” and “aaaahhhhing” at everything Fabio says. Unfortunately, once Fabio heads back into the kitchen the spell is broken and the women aren’t too thrilled with the fish dish.

At the end of the luncheon, Gail thanks Padma and her guests for coming – and the chefs head back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Wait, where are the Strippers??? This is a Bridal Shower, right??? Those Boobies deserve a lap dance!!

Padma calls Team Old (The Hose, Stefan, PrettyBoy Jeff) and Team Borrowed (Radhika, Jamie, Leah) to appear before the judges. These are the winning teams. Jeff is singled out for his sorbet. Cue Stefan, looking pissed.

Team Borrowed really knocked their lamb dish out of the park – especially Jamie (who did the sauce/puree) and Ariane (who cooked the lamb itself). Jamie – who is consistently near the top, but has yet to win anything – whispers “I want this win” before Ariane is announced the winner. Cue Jamie, looking pissed. Ariane is as shocked as anyone – and wins some sponsor-cookware-electronics crap.

Jamie states that she’s “always a bridesmaid, and never the bride”. And if conservatives (and the Mormon church) have their way, that will always be the case. Fight the Hate!

The two loser teams are called in. Team Blue is admonished for “boring old-people food”, but next to Team Doomed they seemed like superstars. Fabio, Leah, and someone named Melissa are clearly safe. Eugene, Danny, or Carla will be going home.

Gene and Carla both express unhappiness with the way the dish turned out – but Danny claims that he was “unbelievably happy” about the dish – and still is. He is just unbelievably stupid. Eugene admits to trying to salvage bad rice, and Carla basically keeps her mouth shut. But dumbass Danny still thinks those ladies should have taken their clothes off after eating that mess.

Even though Chef Tom says all three should go home – Danny and his “brain” are sent back to Long Island. Danny claims the judges “didn’t get” what he was trying to do – which apparently was trying to get women naked through cooking. Maybe he should have tried a stuffed rabbit with potholder pants instead…

Next week – OMG, it’s Martha Stewart!!!!!


Howard said...

Fantastic recap! I was totally amused by Stefan trying to hit on the lesbian, and Team Pickeled and Screwed's obvious path home.

I have to say, I think Stefan is an ass, and am becoming inordinately fond of prettyboy Jeff. I will ignore the 'Name That Ingredient' Quickfire, since it went on at least 4 years too long.

chef_the_city said...

"according to THIS, it is believed that the ancient Mesopotamians pickled back in 2400 B.C."

omg, that part was so funny!!! i mean, a lot of your comments (as usual) made me lol, but the nerd chic aspect of this joke just sent it over the top for me. is martha REALLY on next week? goddammit. i might have to turn my cable on for a month or so, LOL, just so i can see the last (read: best) part of the season.


Margo said...

Great recap!! I can never remember who Melissa is either.

Berry Blog said...

So many remarks were great laughs this time.I can't abide Padma at all and make my drinks when she talks. Tho I feel somewhat sorry for Jamie's near wins, she doesn't hide her animosity in the least. Boy did you hit it with the pickle history, and the spirit guides
Wunnerful job...wunnerful, wunnerful.
XOXOXOXO charlie

theminx said...

I was going to name Kathie Lee in my post too, but I decided one week with her was enough!

Great recap! xoxoxoxoxo

Read mine here.

mikeinbama said...

Great Recap. Hilarious as usual.

Amber LeMay said...

Love reading the recap -
I wish they would tell us ahead of time that the show is going to go over the hour time slot...

Still trying to figure out what cartoon character Carla reminds me of...

DD - Hope you can meet up with Maggie and Lucy Belle this weekend when they come down for SantaCon.

Kwana said...

Oh my goodness. David, I now have a sore throat from laughing so hard. "unlimited bread sticks and salad" priceless!! Where have you been all my life. It kills me that we may have passed each other in Jack's 99 cents and never knew it.
It's crazy how we think alike.

maxthegirl said...

Good stuff, double D.
Splooge of dat is pure poetry.

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog (found out about you from a friend at Thanksgiving dinner) but your recap has already become a high point of my week.

I have to know, though, am I the only one who has to do a double take whenever they show Surfer Boy's restaurant name? It sure looks like "Club Dildo" to me...

Marker said...

Why does Top Chef hate bears?

Anonymous @4:16PM, no you are absolutely not the only one that thinks Surfer Boy's restaurant looks like "Club Dildo."

I love The Hose.

David Dust said...

Dear Anon -

Welcome. When I went to South Beach, every time I saw the Dilido Hotel sign, I thought it said "Dildo Hotel".


andrea tuthill said...

Nice recap :)

The SPLOOGE comment during the episode had me confused on whether I wanted to vomit a little or laugh hysterically...
scarecrow (brainless) was most definitely deserving of his trip to the sequestered house...I only hope Gene can fill the pigion-hole he leaves empty in the casting dynamic

on another note...poor lauren from episode one isn't even in the open montage of cheftestants...she went down on apples...

can't wait for martha!!! my spirit guides tell me she will be a harsh critic

frogponder said...

I always highlight and copy my favorite line, then I come across another and I highlight it and then another. I discard a lot of lines and then usually go with the last one or I'd be forever dithering about which one was my favorite...

>Jamie states that she’s “always a bridesmaid, and never the bride”. And if conservatives (and the Mormon church) have their way, that will always be the case.<


And Martha Stewart. RUN, little cheffies, RUN!

Wonder Man said...

I love Carla but I think she's a little special. And I think I have a crush on Hosea

Kailyn said...

What? No mention of Fabio's wife and he cooked for her shower? Otherwise funny recap -- per usual.

Anonymous said...

Song Ho! LMAO! I don't even watch this show and I still wait for your recaps!

Amber LeMay said...

Kailyn - all of the gays and drag queens blocked out what FABio said about that thing you mentioned.
Please don't bring it up again.

Marker said...

uh-oh . . . WonderMan, both you and I are hot for The Hose. I'm willing to share if you are.

John said...

Oh, thank God that Danny is gone. He annoyed the heck outta me. But Stefan still annoys me more (as you can read here). As for Ariane: Ms. "I'm so old and incompetent" needs to take a chill pill. For realz!

Psychomom said...


OMG! I knew the response!
Somebody help me or pickle me.
Hee, hee, "Pickle me".

As always, love you and your recap,
crazy clara

Nanc Twop said...

'easy-to-gag Kathie Lee'
We'll call her ETG Kathie Lee from now on

(Her Frank must be so depressed...)

'Danny feels “like a Winnah” today'
- And that's a wrap.

'Gail and her Boobies greet the Chefs...'
Hey, where's our 'Gails' blog again?

- Fun as always, thanks!

* my Top Chef post, hopefully up later

Tivo Mom said...

I finally just watched from last night. Jamie seems a little bullish to me. Is she mad that she lost, mad that she is a lesbian (and can't hook up with Stefan) or just plain mad? As always thank you for the smile.

Miss Ginger Grant said...

OMG DD you have done it again! I'm so glad stupid Danny is splooge food is gone! I can't believe tattoo boy tried to "save" rice- the perhaps the cheapest food product on Earth! And I'm so glad I'm not the only one who sees "Hotel Dildo"- I thought I was just having a Freudian moment!
And your Altar boy comment was legendary! I think I am falling for Fabio!

Tracy said...

I laughed out loud as usual.

How did you know about Kathy Lee and Name that Tune? Awesome!

Marker said...

Moi again . . . forgot to say that despite his awfulness, I would still totally get naked with Danny. I'm sure I could find something to put in his mouth to shut him up.

Full agreement with Charlie re: Padma talking. That is so totally a fake accent/inflection/whatever. It is so absolutely not an ESL thing - it's an obnoxious pretentious thing. There. Said it.

Joy said...

"easy-to-gag Kathie Lee was the SongHo from that show"

So funny! Anything that puts her down is good for me.

Stuffed Finnish rabbit - yes. Stuffed Finnish Dust Bunny - another thing entirely!

Stefan has been married twice he said? Obviously he doesn't understand women or sorbets. Hilarious about barking up wrong tree, forest, etc. LOL

Gud Fabio accent! Hope he and his accent stay on just to hear him talk. That was too funny about the priest/pope/altar boy!

"I’m convinced that Carla doesn’t need Spirit Guides, she needs a Spirit Psychiatrist."

Absolutely!! Good one and so right!

What a way to talk about poor little Lamb Chop! Shari Lewis never treated LC that way - did she? We're not sure what that hand was doing.

Jamie states that she’s “always a bridesmaid, and never the bride”. And if conservatives (and the Mormon church) have their way, that will always be the case. Fight the Hate!


Fab post as always!! Thanks so much for being a bright spot in our reading!

Love and hugs!!! xoxoxoxoxox

Joy said...

Wonder Man: Carla is special as in riding the short bus or as in sharing with Marker, who I usually agree with but now question about Danny. Agree with Marker about Padma's pretentious accent.

(OK, I know as an English teacher I should have written "whom" up there, but sometimes I just can't be proper! Well, many times I can't be, but that's another story altogether.)

Joy said...

Sorry to keep adding to my comments, but I have to confess that I like to look at Padma. I don't like to listen to her, but she looks hot. No, I'm not a lesbian and could only be from the waist up. I like to play with men's parts.

BohoPoetGirl said...

"The highlight of this is Crazy Carla – who has lost her teammates. She starts shouting “Hootie!” … and then waits for a response. She informs us that when she is shopping with her husband and they get separated, one will shout “Hootie”, and the other will shout “Hoo!” in response. This is how they find each other. Carla seems confused that her teammates aren’t responding to her “Hootie” calls."

Thanks for putting my WTF into a much better and funnier description!

Renee said...

“whatchootalkinboutwillis”-esque OMG that's hilarious! And so is your Danny impression.

The Fabio Pope comment cracked me up. I was LMAO at Stefan's face when Chef Tom told Jeff his sorbet was the best thing on the plate. I was disappointed that Carla's inner crazy didn't come out and Hootie Hoo on Danny and his stupid mushrooms.

Jimbo said...

God I love your recaps SO much!


Cliff O'Neill said...

Sorry I'm so late!!

First: Kathie Lee on Name That Tune. Oh mah gaw, this is where I first came to hate her with her "la la las" where the freakin' song names went. I loved that show (and sexy as hell Ron Ely), but when she came on, I bailed out.

Can't see them doing it again, though. How does someone identify a Lil Wayne song from three notes?

Cracked up over Gail's love of pickling. Won't miss Danny for second. Want to vivisect Stefan over his sexual harassment.

And mad props for the BBD "Do Me" reference!

Ju like-a de sauce, eh?!

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