Top Chef All Stars Ep. 8 - "Woke Up This Morning, Got Yourself A Gun"

On the last episode of Top Chef: Ultimate All Star Collection, Marcel was simply SHOCKED to be sent home. Because, you know, he didn’t do anything wrong and is really a nice guy and stuff.

This week, the Cheftestants head over to the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Padma and renowned chef fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi. Angelo swoons, because he is “passionate” about fashion. And I was all like:

Quickfire Challenge:

The Quickfire this week is purely visual – they are to create pretty dishes that won’t even be tasted – but simply judged for presentation. Like most fashionistas, Isaac and Padma are eating only Bibb lettuce and Tic Tacs during Fashion Week – so tasting real food is completely out-of-the-question right now.

While the Chefs prepare their pretty dishes, we find out that Carla worked as a model back in the day. Jeebus, I love that woman. Can you just see her Hootie-Hooing down the runways of Paris and Milan?! Werk!

Fabio’s “eenspeerashun” for his dish is a “beeyooteefull woman, walking een da rain, trying to don’t getta messed up by da wadur”. Alrightythen…

Angelo mentions that he wanted to be a food stylist at one point in his life and knows “how to make things look pretty”. Also, his fave designer is Roberto Cavalli – and I was all like “Girl, calm yourself:

Utensils down, hands up!

Isaac and Padma inspect the garments dishes. Fabio tells his story of mushroom umbrellas (ellas ellas eh eh), tuna women and lemon rain and I’m beginning to think a Production Assistant put Ecstasy in Fabio’s morning cappuccino instead of Splenda.

Antonia shows off her fourth-grade art project entitled “Trees and Nuts and Other Stuff”, but Isaac thinks the “nuts are too big”. Careful Isaac, you can get kicked out of the Homosextical Brotherhood for such blasphemy. Who ever heard of nuts being TOO BIG?!? I mean REALLY?!? That’s just crazy talk.

By this time Angelo has completely morphed into Richard Simmons doing a Liberace imitation during Sunday Mimosa Brunch. Miss Thing says that she created a Ziploc bag full of stuff which was supposed to represent a crocodile purse. And just in case Padma and Isaac couldn’t figure it out, Miss Angelo wrote “Hey  Betches, It's a Crocodile Purse!” (it works best if you say it with a lisp) on the table. Girlfriend should have written “Seal-A-Meal leftovers from Olive Garden 2/2/11” – because that’s what it looked like. After seeing the deranged scribbling on the stainless steel table, Isaac was all like…???

The results are in. Dale, Tre and Angelo were the least prettiest (which, as we all know, is bullshizz because there is NO ONE prettier than Tre). And Fabio, Carla and Blais were the top three. Unsurprisingly, Richard Blais wins the Quickfire and immunity for his “black ice with green stuff” thing.

Elimination Challenge:

The Cheftestants are instructed to pull knives and are divided into three teams:

“Dino the Chef” (Antonia, Tiffany and Carla)

“Junior” (Bighead Mike, Dale and Tre)

“Franky No” (Angelo, Blais, Fabio)

The names of the teams correspond to the guys who run Rao’s – a NYC restaurant that’s been open for 114 years and you STILL can’t get a table. Unless Joe Pesci brings you or your last name is “Gambino”, “Bonano” or “Columbo” and you have a nickname like “The Bull” or “Little Tony” and always pay in cash. I think you smell what I’m stepping in here.

For this challenge, the Cheftestants will prepare a 3 course “family-style” Italian meal. Team Dino will do Antipasti, Team Junior will do Pasta and Team Franky will do Meat/Main Course.

The chef’s meet with their inspirations, who are right out of a Mafia movie. In fact, Frank “Franky No” Pellegrino, the owner of Rao’s, has appeared in many movies (including Goodfellas) and on the Sopranos, where he played the FBI bureau chief. And Chef Dino looks like he could prepare a delicious “macaroni and gravy” Sunday meal, break your kneecaps and deliver an envelope of cash to the boss - all at the same time.

After consulting with their Rao’s “inspirations”, the Cheftestants shop at Whole Foods and then head back to the Top Chef kitchen for prep. Each team (conveniently) has one Italian-American (Antonia, Bighead Mike and Fabio) and each one of them is afraid that he/she will get smacked with a wooden spatula by their Nonna (grandmother) if he/she doesn’t win this Italian challenge. Madon!

After prepping in the Top Chef kitchen, they head to Rao’s to cook. During the frenzy, Tiffany burns her polenta – and Antonia notices that Tre’s risotto isn’t quite right. But just look at him, Antonia – who cares if he can’t cook. LOOK AT HIM!

Anywhore, the guests begin arriving. In addition to Padma, Tom Colicchio, and Anthony Bourdain, there is also some dude in a vest and actress Lorraine Bracco. Lorraine will be playing the role of a drunken Gail Simmons (sans boobies) during tonight’s performance.

First up, Team Antipasti. Carla prepared Minestrone soup, Antonia did mussels, and Tiffany managed to send out some un-burnt polenta. The judges seem to love everything. Which reminds me, I could sit around and listen to Italians talk about food for hours. I would totally subscribe to the “Italians Eating and Talking About Eating” channel if it existed.

The Pasta course is next. Tre sends out risotto, Bighead Mike does homemade rigatoni and Dale does some kind of pasta-ish something. The judges hate everything. Uh oh … somebody could end up at the bottom of the Hudson River for this.

Finally, Team Meat presets their main courses. Fabio’s dish seemed to be a hit – but the other two get a big “Meh” from the judges.

During dinner, Lorraine Bracco gets more and more tipsy and more and more raunchy. I was getting ready for her to start telling “A Priest, a Rabbi and Sammy Davis Junior walk into a gay bar” jokes. Even Tom Colicchio gets all Goomba while discussing his Italian Sausage. I’ll let you Bear-lovers use your imagination on that one.

Dinner is over, and the Cheftestants gather in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Padma calls in Antonia, Carla, Tiffany and Fabio. They are the top four. Of course Angelo, Blais and Mike have looks on their faces like they just received a dead fish in the mail.

After discussing how well everyone did, Antonia is announced as the winner. Fabio, who can feel his cute booty getting smacked by the ghost of his Nonna, seems a little “PEEST off” at the outcome.

They return to the Stew Room and Antonia announces that she won. The guys react like this …

But eventually they manage some lame applause for Antonia’s win.

Bighead Mike, Dale and Tre are called in before the judges – they are the bottom three. Mike’s pasta was way undercooked, Dale’s bland pasta fell apart and was under-sauced, and Tre’s risotto wasn’t creamy enough. In fact they said that Tre’s … um … DISH … was too stiff. Which is a given when you look like this:

But, unfortunately Tre is sent home – and I was all like…

What did YOU think of last night’s episode. Please leave your thoughts (and screams) in the Comments section.

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